Can't seem to find my way
 

When I was 17, I had a vision, which I never really talk about because it's so personal, but maybe some of you can help me. I had laid down to sleep, and in that pre-sleeping place, a white light surrounded me. I felt totally loved and valued and appreciated - and just for those minutes, I knew everything. Why I was born, what my place in the world was, even why I was named what I was named - I also knew about the universe, and how important spirals were - all kinds of things. It was amazing. Then a voice spoke and said, "You are the compass rose, you will show the others to their paths." I knew this was a true vision, because I'd never heard of a compass rose, and had to look it up in the encyclopedia - actually I didn't know any of the information I was shown, and had to look it all up.

In the 18 years since then, I have done that. I tend to see something in people and am able to just know where they should be - and have surprised people with how happy they are on their new path's. But I can't ever seem to do this for myself. If I'm in the middle of the compass, and can point in directions, there really is no exact direction for me to go.

This really has to do with what career I want/need. I've done everything I've ever dreamed of doing - both helping people, and using my brain and creativity. And now I don't have any interest in doing anything for work, and need to. I've learned that when I'm directly trying to help people on their path, that I suffer. When I'm indirect about it, and let the universe bring people to me, then we're both successful - so I don't believe my career is supposed to be directly helping people face-to-face (nothing but bad bad things has happened when I've tried this).

My talents are reading, writing, art, research, editing, jewelry making, crafting, anything artistic pretty much, and true compassion and love for others. When I have a goal I work extremely hard. I'm very passionate about whatever I do.

I've been an editor, graphic designer, writer, photographer, journalist, shoemaker, and worked for years in nonprofits trying to help and guide lost people (and this was not successful).

I'm unemployed right now, and need to find something - and want to as well. I can't promise I'll take your suggestions, and I can't promise I won't - but I'm hoping some of your ideas will inspire me and help me find my own path.

My detriments - I work best alone. People are more stressful to me than work. I have never been good with authority, in almost any fashion. I'd love to start my own business, but I don't really have the financial credit report to get loans, even if I could figure out what kind of business to start. I've done tons and tons of tests on trying to figure out what I want to do in life (I'm in my mid 30's), and just can't quite seem to get interested in much of anything - and that bothers the hell out of me!

I don't know. I don't know why I can't see my next step, and I don't know how to get there. If this were someone else, I'd be able to look at their soul and say - "Oh, you are an actor!" But as for myself.... Sigh.

Any thoughts at all would be very much appreciated. :)

Hi Nemosyne,

Very interesting to read your story. I hope I can help in some way, and maybe it will help me as well since I have the same predicament in a way. Nothing seems to appeal so much that I would want to dedicate my life to it.

Have you considered Life Coaching? In a way, people would come to you who need help finding their way in Life, their career path and such. Wouldn't it be ironic if , being that you have trouble finding your own path, that you could make a career out of helping others find theirs? I've considered this myself as I have a nack for helping others get clear about their direction in life.

I don't know? You are pretty accomplished already from what I've read. Maybe setting up home coaching sessions, which will eliminate the cost of renting a space on your part, and you can feel comfortable in your own surroundings and make it comfy for your clients as well?

Hope this helps...it seems to be the only thing I can think of that would suit your disposition and skills.:)

Planning your life around your self-imposed disabilities is inherently unfulfilling. I would bet you actually take a certain amount of pride in your inability to deal with authority and your ability to get things done on your own. If this is true, then that pride is what is holding your life back in those sectors. It's dysfunction that sticks around by looking like a virtue, so instead of fighting to be rid of it you actually fight to keep it.

elucidate: I love the idea! Thanks for thinking of it, and I hope you find your way too. Your so good and loving towards people, that I hope that can be translated somehow into a vocation for you. :)

The Cloud: Thank you for your thoughts and insights. :) I do agree with you that it's important to change yourself to the best of your ability to be the best person you can be. :)

Thanks! Me too. I think you're pretty spesh;)

I ride the front seat of the short bus, cuz that's cool to me. :D Hee, hee!

You're a dear, sweet person! Alright, I'll stop complimenting now, only cuz we could easily derail this thread - LOL!

What don't you agree with?

I bolded what wasn't true for me - it doesn't mean it's not true, just not true for me. Thank you for your insight though - it really is appreciated.

Why do you have problems with people and authority, then? These aren't natural, in-born weaknesses. They are self-imposed limitations, and so you must have a purpose for maintaining them.

That isn't really why nemosyne started this thread. I'm sure if she wanted to get psychotherapy for deeply ingrained 'issues' that may be holding her back, she would ask for that...but she hasn't.

But these are exactly the issues preventing her from knowing what she wants to be. When she has to avoid lawful and social aspects of herself, she has to avoid many of the things that she could become. Knowing your purpose has nothing to do with finding it, and everything to do with knowing how you're getting in the way. I think she has reached the limit of who she can be within her current constraints, and needs to expand herself beyond that before she can go further.

No, In YOUR oppinion this is what is stopping her from knowing! How do you know though?

Because I'm so smart :D.

Aha...yes, you are:D

I definitely appreciate the thoughts expressed here. And, believe me, Cloud, I've been working on my own issues for a long, long time. I don't see those things as holding me back - I can deal with authority, and I can deal with lots of people - and have done both for many, many years. It's just not the spot I'd prefer to be to be in if I don't have to. I listed my positives too, along with my negatives. It wouldn't have been a balanced question if I included one and not the other. I do continue to work on my own issues, all the time really. I've decided at this time though, that I don't need to keep throwing myself in the frying pan - I've done that enough. I think it's ok to say now, this is my preference, this is not my preference - because I'm hoping to make a career change, not a job change, and am posting this thread looking for guidance. But I am definitely going to think about your advice more in depth, and see if it's something I need to use right now. Thank you again for replying and for your thoughtful answers!

Thanks elucidate. :) I appreciate the championing and the loving way you expressed yourself on my behalf. You rock, and thanks for encouraging me. :) Actually, thank you both for encouraging me!

You should totally start a new thread on this - I believe in Alpha people - in which case, it could be inborn. ;)

Oh I hope I wasn't overstepping my boundaries? I'm sure you can handle yourself well, I just felt like I needed to say that before. The Cloud took it well;)

I loved your story and while I don't know any suggestions to give you, I just want to send you love and blessings and prayers for your clarity. :)

Never! You're fabulous in every way. :)

Thank you. The story is really personal to me, and I appreciate the blessings and prayers with all my heart!

YouTube - R.E.M. - Stand (Video)
:D:D

REM, nice. :D I never saw the video before - very 80's cool, especially with the compass. :D Thanks Jon!

Gosh we sound very similar actually. Maybe some of my insights can help. I've done a lot what you have done and I'm also quite intuitive too. I am a graphic/web designer, but have done lots of things too and I too have issues with authority. But I just recently learnt to embrace it. I was always seeing the "authority issue" as a bad thing, that I was an anxious person and I had to embrace people with authority. But then I thought what if, that's because I am not meant to be actually directed by others and my brain and body is telling me, something? What if I am meant to be the only authority in my life? When I feel anxious and intimidated with people in authority, maybe it's because I am meant not to work with others, but rather find my own path. Well since I embraced that realisation I quickly got to work creating my own projects, that could evolve into my own business. And guess what happened? I found myself and what I love to do.

So to summarise:
This is what I think was happening with me, the reason I had an issue with authority is because I knew I could do it better, and so I didn't want to be directed by anyone, because basically my true potential would be lost, been controlled by others. I needed to be the authority figure in my own path and my body was trying to tell me this, hence the strong reaction to authority.

Basically now I am calling myself an artist, because I have complete control over my work. My work and creative ideas are not dictated by others and that's what works for me. :D

I'm the same, and I embraced my supposed "issues with Authority' years ago.

It's only people who want to have authority over you that will say YOU are the one with the issue...because you aren't letting them control you in some way...of course they don't like that.

Especially if you don't like it when they impose their will on you as though they know better. That's not an issue...that's a GOOD thing that you don't let people brow-beat you into submitting to their authority without questioning them IMO. Control freaks will always make the issue about you instead of looking at their own ****.

Wow - both of you. We are similar! I have also come to that realization in the last year - that I only struggle so much (inwardly) because I'm meant to do my own thing. Everything you both said made perfect sense - I'm awed at the greatness of your spirits. :D Both of those were powerful posts for me!

I used to consider myself an artist, and miss that. Lately I've just been calling myself 'creative,' not to mention a host of negative things. Maybe if I can rediscover my art, I can rediscover myself.

I think that was the answer I was looking for. Thanks so much all of you. :)

It's helped me too, to remember to do my own thing and not let others tell me I must do it their way.

Creative is good too. Actually I kind of prefer "creative".
I'm glad I could help :) Wether my theory is right is another thing, but I am going with it ;)

I also call myself an entrepreneur, as I feel I am quite entrepreneurial in nature. In fact I LURVE entrepreneurism :)

I'd say your challenge or problem is too much focus on other people and not enough on yourself.. all our journeys are really selfish journey's.. (not sure that's a idea rei shares) :D

If you want practical solutions.. well.. fine then :p

1. You could take up the art of "new age" puppetry.. rei, seems to be doing okay.. yah, know open a tarot shop.. charge money for your gifts :)

Okay.. that doesn't work does it?

2. Here's a simple craft idea.. my cousin louise.. used to buy used jeans and sew unique art onto them and sell them for a okay profit on ebay.. (there's a idea for you to play with)

Here's what I think.. you don't like to work with people.. (prefer alone/space) so I think a personal business is best for you.. so you need to turn your skills and available resources into profit/money.. so start searching.. and ask for help from the universe/us if you haven't..

That's wonderful advice, thank you, wise master. :D I love the craft idea and the new age idea. What do you think if I combine your ideas? I'm thinking of making Spiritual table top fountains.

Maybe, because of this thread, my life is finally going better than it has in a long, long time. Maybe all I had to do was reach out for help, I'm not sure. I'm really happy though, and it feels great. Thanks for your advice everyone. :)