Indecisive and stagnant

[CroMagna]

I'm stagnant in life because I don't know what I want. I don't have a clear sense of direction so I'm not able to make moves in any direction.

I don't know:

-If I want to pull myself up by the bootstraps like a Republican or return to exotic dancing
-If I want to be a faithful Christian or an atheist darkworker
-If I want to get a good job and stay in the States or just save up to go to Brazil for a year
-Be conservative or be free-spirited

I get pulled in two different directions with so many things. I feel miserable and like I might go insane. I'm inspired by so many different things that I can't commit to any one path.

Please help me.

[Karanime]

It looks like a choice between limiting yourself and doing what makes you happy.

Do you want to "follow the rules" and be a "good person"? Or do what you want and live in excitement?

You only live once. Beyond that, it's up to you.

/<3

[Nemosyne]

I'd find a way to incorporate both.

If I want to pull myself up by the bootstraps like a Republican or return to exotic dancing
-If I want to be a faithful Christian or an atheist darkworker
-If I want to get a good job and stay in the States or just save up to go to Brazil for a year
-Be conservative or be free-spirited

A Republican exotic dancer.. or an exotic dancer for Republicans.
A neutral party..
Take a job as an international flight attendant..
Be the most free-spirited conservative you know..

My brother and I always have these talks. He always thinks things need to be one way or another, and I'm always saying that you can have both. Hope this helped.

[Asmoday]

First, Cro, stop and breathe.

Take the immediacy off yourself. Return your mind to a neutral state, as best you can. Just watch your breath rise and fall for a few moments.

Seriously, take a moment to do this, then keep reading.

The problem you are having is simple, and a common mistake in our culture -- you're trying to solve problems of identity by thinking. You can't do that. Well, you can do anything you want -- but I remind you, its not working so far.

I ask you, wouldn't you think it was silly if you saw someone staring at their finger, all full of panic and crying, screaming, "Who am I?!?! What should I do with myself?!?!". I certainly would.

Well, that's kinda what you're doing.

You're looking at your brain and asking it who you are -- but you brain is just one finite piece of you. More useful on the question, sure, but about as capable of giving you "the answer" as your finger.

We gotta get you out of your head. We gotta get you moving, externalized. And, more importantly, you've been stagnating a long time. For a polarized person, you're experiencing the psychological equivalent of cardiac arrest. So, we gotta whip out the shock paddles. You need a deep connection with core you, STAT.

Read the article linked below, and follow the steps, one by one. Especially actually get up, go out, and volunteer at a hospice facility. You have to contrast you NOT being here to you being here to get what you're looking for. These questions WILL crumble if you go through this temporary discomfort:

Death and Finding Your Purpose

Second, do the mirror exercise, even if you've done it before. Do it a LOT as you go through the above process. More than once a day. Its like aspirin, you're going to need it:

The Mirror Exercise

This ritual, if followed, will resolve this issue, you'll know, and almost impulsively start to move in the "right" direction.

IF you do it. IF that's what you really want.

[Ecce Homo]

Cro-Magna, you can let go of nailing down who you think you want to be and focus on moving toward that which feels good, joyful, light and free when you think it and do it. Who you are underneath the attempts to nail down an identity is completely fine. Being is never an issue. Experiencing joy, creating for its own sake, loving your family and friends, stepping out of your comfort zone for the thrill of it, these are simple and they can be done now, without ever having to have an individual identity mapped out in cement.

[CroMagna]

All of those things give me joy, so that's where the confusion comes in.

Asmoday, do I have to have a mock funeral? My family would never go for that.

[Asmoday]

Originally Posted by CroMagna

All of those things give me joy, so that's where the confusion comes in.

Asmoday, do I have to have a mock funeral? My family would never go for that.

LOL, then invite friends. Invite your inner circle. If you have no friends, hire strangers. LOL, you know that.

[CroMagna]

Originally Posted by Asmoday

LOL, then invite friends. Invite your inner circle. If you have no friends, hire strangers. LOL, you know that.

In other words, I have to go through with it?

[CroMagna]

Steve, do you have any advice?

[Cado]

Originally Posted by CroMagna

In other words, I have to go through with it?

I did something similar before I read that article. I wrote out a eulogy for myself, picked some fitting music, set up some folding chairs in the living room, and I acted as though I was giving my speech in front of a small crowd of people. When it was over I stepped out onto the porch and burned the eulogy in a small metal container, then I dumped it over the side as though it were the ashes of the dead. Considering what has transpired since I'd say it had the desired effect.

My point is that if you really want to bust through this there's no pre-determined way in which you have to do it, the important thing is that you do something. Have you been given a suggestion which simply won't work? Modify it until it will. Honor yourself, Cro.

[CroMagna]

The eulogy sounds a lot easier than the mock funeral. If I do that, will it work?

I'm so sick of being confused about what mode to be in. If I'm Christian, how is that compatible with being a stripper? But if I'm atheist, I can't join a 12-step group. If I'm Christian, I can't be a darkworker. If I'm Christian, how is that compatible with the fact that I'm bisexual? I could go on and on like this.

[Cado]

Originally Posted by CroMagna

The eulogy sounds a lot easier than the mock funeral. If I do that, will it work?

I don't know. You don't figure this stuff out before you do it, you do it, take inventory, and make changes if you need to.

I will say that what I did doesn't sound nearly as powerful as what Asmoday talks about in that article. Don't write it off just because it'll be difficult to piece together-if you're really interested in your personal development you don't get the luxury of ease.

I'm so sick of being confused about what mode to be in. If I'm Christian, how is that compatible with being a stripper? But if I'm atheist, I can't join a 12-step group. If I'm Christian, I can't be a darkworker. If I'm Christian, how is that compatible with the fact that I'm bisexual? I could go on and on like this.

Here's the funny thing, most of what you're listing here isn't as contradictory as it seems. Example: Christian and darkworker. Go watch a televangelist sometime and you'll see what I'm talking about. My grandfather has been a baptist minister his whole life, really believes that stuff too, and he's got darkworker energy flowing through him.

Where you're getting confused is that you think what these things are in theory is what they actually are. It's as the old saying goes: appearances are deceiving.

[CroMagna]

Do you think it's possible to do all of these things? A Christian stripper for example?

[elucidate]

Personally I think you are having some major rebellion against your religion...I could be wrong though...just remember, Jesus loves you no matter what

[CroMagna]

I don't see how a loving, omnipotent God could sit there and watch me go through hell like this. But I've decided to believe in God because I need a power greater than myself to restore me to sanity.

Can I do all of these things?

[elucidate]

You can if you think you can. Honestly , people believe in some ridiculous things...like Football as a religion. You could do worse.

Originally Posted by CroMagna

I don't see how a loving, omnipotent God could sit there and watch me go through hell like this. But I've decided to believe in God because I need a power greater than myself to restore me to sanity.

Can I do all of these things?

[CroMagna]

How can I do all of these things?

At what point can I pull myself up by the bootstraps and at what point can I be a stripper?

I need a plan.

[elucidate]

So, you want to choose between the two contradictory things that make up you? Can't you just accept that you are a walking contradiction...and learn to live with that, regardless of what YOU THINK God might think?

An all-loving God would Love you unconditionally if he was worth his salt as a god...why can't you?

Originally Posted by CroMagna

How can I do all of these things?

At what point can I pull myself up by the bootstraps and at what point can I be a stripper?

I need a plan.

[CroMagna]

So you think I need to just embrace all of this and just go with the flow?

[elucidate]

What do YOU think? That's the most important thing...I can't make that decision for you, though it would be easier , wouldn't it?

[CroMagna]

Yes it would be much easier. I guess I need to do all of these things so that I don't look back on my life and feel regret.

[elucidate]

That's one good reason, but just know, there will always be some regret, but not doing what you want is what you will most regret.

I probably 'should' be a stripper too, like I always dared myself to be, before my boobs get saggy...though I just value my dignity too much...for a one (or two) off though, it's not gonna do too much damage), trouble is with that life, it's very hard to ever go back to any kind of normal job...and once you are in, you are exposed to all kinds of other offers, which don't seem so harmful once you've done a few things...but you don't know what you've lost, til it's gone...and even then, alot of ex-strippers don't realise what they have lost in the pursuit of material comfort. It's up to you though.

Anyhoo...I'm off to bed. Good luck deciding.

Originally Posted by CroMagna

Yes it would be much easier. I guess I need to do all of these things so that I don't look back on my life and feel regret.

[CroMagna]

There is that danger that once you go into that industry (stripping), it's hard to find a regular job. So maybe I could do both at the same time.

[ChrisL]

CroMagna - Sounds like you're going through a "dark night of the soul" type of experience, where we feel doubt/fear and want to become more accepting of all the different parts of ourself, including the polar opposites. Relax. Everyone goes through their own version of this. The more we can accept ourselves completely, all the different parts, the easier we can make decisions.

You are not going to make a "wrong" decision, and you can always make more decisions. Trust and listen to yourself. Life is like dining at a 5 star restaurant. Choose a dish - if you want something else, then make another choice.

I have a friend of mine from college that worked as a stripper, then became a model, and is now a mother of 2 children and teaches yoga. You can re-invent yourself as much as you like.

[CroMagna]

If I'm conservative I feel repressed and if I'm free-spirited I feel like I'm not respectable. I feel tainted no matter what I do. It seems the only solution to this hell is to just accept all parts of myself.

I keep telling myself "just give up on the stripper thing, just try to live a normal life, pull yourself up by the bootstraps." But I'll see a beautiful stripper on the internet and the temptation comes back. I feel like if I don't do it I'll regret it but part of me loves conservatism and conservative values. I'm in hell.

[ChrisL]

Acceptance is huge. In any moment, we can choose witnessing with curiosity, or judging/interpreting. If you're judging yourself or others, it's not going to matter what your actions are on the outside - you're already in hell on the inside. Stop judging. Give yourself acceptance and you will not be looking for it from others so much. In fact, if you accept others, you will be more accepting of yourself (i.e. Accepting the conservative, christian guy who also comes to the strip club).

If you feel repressed by something (i.e. being conservative) or feel some kind of energetic contraction, then you have conflict about it. Take a look at it - it might not truly reflect who you are. If you feel an energetic expansion around something then you're on the right track. Do whatever you want, but do it with awareness. Bring more consciousness into any situation will change it.

Then you say when you're free-spirited you're not respectable - sounds like a judgment. Did you have someone in your life who would think like this, like a parent? Feels like you internalized their opinion.

So try seeing yourself with this question - if you only had 1 year to live, who would you be now? How would that be reflected in your actions?

PS - Why can't you be conservative in some ways and not in others?

[ssandra]

Originally Posted by CroMagna

Do you think it's possible to do all of these things? A Christian stripper for example?

Yes.

Because you are judging all these things by labels that are given by society or other people, not by yourself..

If you start stripping, are you a stripper? Or are you a happy, fulfilled woman, proud of her body, very intelligent who likes to read books, watch movies, enjoy nature, and happens to take off her clothes for money...?

If you are Christian.. what does that mean? Only what you want it to mean.

If you believe in God, what type of God is that? Just the one that you want it to be. Nobody is right and nobody is wrong.

My God is pure love. So yes, you can believe in God and still be a stripper according to me...

Being a republican, what does that mean to you? Does it mean that you believe and agree with everything they say? Or just certain things? If just certain things, then just have an opinion on those things, without trying to label them.

I believe that might be your main problem.. you try to label all your interests and things that you do.... And you give them meaning, not your meaning, but societies meaning...

Try and list your wants without labeling them, and yourself... see what happens and see if they are still as incompatible as you see them now...

[CroMagna]

I am really inspired by the label Conservative Christian, but I'm also inspired by the label Exotic Dancer. I may just have to accept that I can't use labels and that I'm a mixed bag.

[Indiana]

Originally Posted by CroMagna

I don't see how a loving, omnipotent God could sit there and watch me go through hell like this. But I've decided to believe in God because I need a power greater than myself to restore me to sanity.

I'd pick a different God, in that case. Sounds like it's the Christian one that's giving you problems.

Hinduism has lots of deities, including female ones, who you could worship. Or Kuan Yin?

Kuan Yin, The Compassionate Rebel

[elucidate]

Yes, I've been considering the same thing myself. I already have a 'normal' job 2.5 days a week which pays quite well...dancing would help to supplement my income and I could save for travelling, which is what I'm studying to become a teacher of english to do overseas. Dancing isn't a long term proffession though, just something that I can do in the short term to get where I want to go.

Originally Posted by CroMagna

There is that danger that once you go into that industry (stripping), it's hard to find a regular job. So maybe I could do both at the same time.