Indecisive and stagnant

[Cado]

Originally Posted by CroMagna

I am really inspired by the label Conservative Christian, but I'm also inspired by the label Exotic Dancer. I may just have to accept that I can't use labels and that I'm a mixed bag.

Funny that you're drawn to that label-Conservative Christianity is filled with darkworkers. They'd never call themselves that (and their lack of honesty is responsible for a great number of problems, IMO) but it's clear to someone with a keen eye that many of them channel that kind of energy. (With their emphasis on culture wars they almost have to.)

That kind of Christianity has nothing to do with feeding the poor, clothing the naked, etc. The Christ figure itself is largely irrelevant. To be blunt, Christianity is a whore. It's become one of the largest and most influential religions in history because it adapts to culture norms while maintaining its rhetoric. (See: Christmas and Easter.) Their mythos has been rewritten over and over again and, despite what they'll tell you about "eternal truths", the story is still changing. Do not buy the hype-hypocrisy is inherent to it so you can be anything else you want to be and still fit within their ranks, just don't go flaunting it.

Lightworking Christianity bears little resemblance to its conservative cousin. If you take it as a religion which emphasizes compassion and forgiveness then it wouldn't limit you, either. There's nothing immoral about exotic dancing. That's a man-made rule. Some branches would encourage you to forsake all earthly pleasures but you'd have to choose that; it's not inherent to the path.

With that said-

But I've decided to believe in God because I need a power greater than myself to restore me to sanity.

You're giving your power away to this belief. If you're at all serious about darkworking then you and you alone are sufficient to pull yourself out of this situation. If you walk another road, you still have to do some work. You still have to be capable.

And you are. You're glorious beyond measure. Tap into that.

Let me boil down one of my earlier posts to its bare essence:

do something.

You're running around in circles. Stop. Breathe in. Take a look at what's been suggested. Pick one thing. Do you meditate? Start. Have you ever done the Foci? If you haven't, that will begin to unravel whatever has you stuck. Don't think you're up to doing a mock funeral? Then do the first part of what Asmoday talks about. Get around the dead and the dying. It'll give you some perspective.

Pick one of those things. If it requires a daily commitment, focus solely on that until it's part of you. (IE, when you don't have to remind yourself to meditate, or to do the Foci, etc.) The thing is, you're mortal, you don't have a lot of time, yet paradoxically you'll waste what time you do have if you don't slow down. You're trying to arrange the inside of your house when you haven't even built one yet. Let's get you centered and then you can start working on a floor plan.

Labels are not you, they will not limit you nor will they determine the ways you'll express yourself. You are and then you're labeled, not the other way around. Labels differentiate and define, they're not ideals which you mold yourself into. When labels become your identity that's when you kick them to the curb. You've always been obsessed with them and it hasn't worked so try something different. If you do and you keep at it eventually you'll succeed.

See, it isn't lucky, super-talented and super-smart people who succeed, it's the people who stay with it and keep changing their methods until something works. Anyone can do that. Superstars don't begin where they are, we just don't see the practice they put in.

That reminds me, there's a book that might help you see what I'm talking about. Seeing as Asmoday has been gracious enough to supply so many resources through his site, I'll post his link: The Tipping Point

You're not going to end your struggles overnight. You know that. Accept it. Your problems will fall away a lot quicker when you do.

[elucidate]

I know a woman who has been an exotic dancer all over the world and she was raised christian. What I learned from her is that Divinity doesn't judge you whether you are a whore or a wanderer.

If anything the sex industry draws loads of "good christian women " in who are rebelling against their imposed repression of sexuality. Just look at that woman who started up that fashionable hair do from the 50's with the dark brown hair and fringe...Betty Page.

She started off posing for playboy back when it first came out, and ended up in hardcore S&M magazines, seemingly without realizing what she was involved in and whether god would smote her for it or not!

After living in this world for years and years, she ended up leaving the city for her hometown and became a preacher woman who read sermons all day long!

Originally Posted by CroMagna

Do you think it's possible to do all of these things? A Christian stripper for example?

[Brutha]

You don't get fulfillment by treating religions like clothes that you can exchange at will.

Personally I think you are having some major rebellion against your religion.

She self identified as satanist a year ago. Her desire to be a Christian comes from herself not liking herself and wanting to resist being open with her sexuality.

Sure you can bent the Christian label to mean something different but then it doesn't provide the same clarity anymore. Clarity however is exactly what CroMagna is seeking.

[elucidate]

Oh ok. I was not aware of her previous choice of religion, I wasn't here a year ago and have not been keeping track of this persons herstory. I agree with your first statement though Brutha. It seems as though Cro is placing expectations (possibly unrealistic ones) on these external things she grasps onto in order to fulfill her needs, or her 'percieved' needs? I am getting a sense of real dissatisfaction that underlies this lack of commitment to one thing.

It does sound like there is alot of confusion going on for you Cro. Clarity is the cure for confusion, for sure.

So, is becoming an exotic dancer your way of trying to open this aspect of yourself up more? Do you think this will help? It is kinda ringing alarm bells for me right now, that's why I ask. I seem to remember reading a post a while back where you first brought up the idea of becoming a dancer, and your reasons were purely for the egoic power feed you get from having males stare at your body. Is this still your primary motivation for wanting to do this?

It seems like an extreme thing to do, but as I said before, I'm sure the sex industry has attracted many a "good christian" dealing with repressed sexuality issues before and will continue to no doubt.

Originally Posted by Brutha

You don't get fulfillment by treating religions like clothes that you can exchange at will.
She self identified as satanist a year ago. Her desire to be a Christian comes from herself not liking herself and wanting to resist being open with her sexuality.

Sure you can bent the Christian label to mean something different but then it doesn't provide the same clarity anymore. Clarity however is exactly what CroMagna is seeking.

[The Cloud]

What about yourself is holding you back the most? It sounds to me like the problem isn't what you're trying to do, but rather who you're trying to be. Who are you trying to be?

[pdsp]

Hey,

I just read through your posts...and wanted to say that it seems you are very concerned with other people think of your decisions. Its good to keep in mind that you can not please everyone all of the time, you may only please some people some of the time but you can be sure that you are pleasing yourself most of the time. Finding balance in life is challenging and uncertain. Not all answers are apparent right away but if you do some soul searching you will figure out your dilemnas. Since it is of such importance to you most likely you'll find answers sooner than later. There are some great books on self-discovery and success at the library or in your local bookstore. Finding someone that you can trust to speak with openly about your choices and life may also be helpful. Ultimately, you have to drive your own life forward and make choices that will make you happy.

Best of luck

Originally Posted by CroMagna

Do you think it's possible to do all of these things? A Christian stripper for example?

[CroMagna]

I want to do all of these things, live in brazil for a year, get a stable job in the states, strip. I don't know if I want to get married or be polyamorous because I like group sex. Help me map out my life please at least what I'm doing this year.

[The Cloud]

Originally Posted by CroMagna

I want to do all of these things, live in brazil for a year, get a stable job in the states, strip. I don't know if I want to get married or be polyamorous because I like group sex. Help me map out my life please at least what I'm doing this year.

But who are you trying to become, that your life will become filled with these things? You need to be the kind of person that can let themselves have all these things before you can get them.

[elucidate]

When you say you need help 'mapping out your life' what exactly do you mean? Do you mean you want to plan every little stage of your life in the next year at least?

You've just said the basic plan you have...why do you need a map? If you like group sex, then that sort of rules out marriage for now...so don't worry about getting married, until such time as YOU FEEL like you're over group sex and want to settle down, if ever.
You certainly don't HAVE to get married. You seem to be complicating things when it's clear to me you already have a plan...so stick with that and start moving towards getting to Brazil if that's where you see yourself.

Stop clinging to externals as a security blanket, just go with what you think is what you want now, and if it changes somewhere down the track, then change with it.

Originally Posted by CroMagna

I want to do all of these things, live in brazil for a year, get a stable job in the states, strip. I don't know if I want to get married or be polyamorous because I like group sex. Help me map out my life please at least what I'm doing this year.

[Daniel Birdick]

Originally Posted by elucidate

Stop clinging to externals as a security blanket...

CroMagna has to cling to externals because she has a weak grasp on her internals. Meaning she never answered The Cloud's excellent question:

Originally Posted by The Cloud

But who are you trying to become...

As long as Cro is unclear about who she is being, she will continue to wallow in faux confusion, as she has for several years now judging by the comments she has left here. You don't ask others to plan your life when you know who and what you are. Clarity comes when you know who you are and who you want to be in the world. This I learned the hard way.

[imlivinganillusion]

I believe the answer to any question is there ... to be acknowleged within each person once you are aware that you have a perfect internal guidance system that is, most of the time, screaming the answer(s)/solution(s) at you. The guidance system is simply and profoundly (at the same time) one's own instincts. To find your absolute answers, you have to acknowlege whether a move toward or away from something makes them feel good, or makes you feel bad. God provides that perfect and unadulterated guidance system if you can come to recognize you are meant, at all times, to make life decisions based on that guidance system. Indecision, in large part, is brought on by believing there is some kind of divine judgement, or that following our internal guidance system is shallow ... perhaps amoral or hedonistic. In truth, there are no accidents or mistakes, all you have to do is trust that your journey is individual only to you and meant to be. The pathway which yields the least (internal) resistance is the correct pathway.

P.S. The joy in life is actually the experiences throughout the process, not the brief moment on the mountain top.


Peace, truth and light to you in your journey.
Namaste

[Cado]

Originally Posted by CroMagna

I want to do all of these things, live in brazil for a year, get a stable job in the states, strip. I don't know if I want to get married or be polyamorous because I like group sex. Help me map out my life please at least what I'm doing this year.

Do you want to take charge of your life or have someone tell you what to do? You can't have both.

[veranadine]

I think going with the flow and learning to do what feels right in the moment is the best plan.

You might also consider getting an intuitive or channeled reading from one of the many providers available on these boards.

Best of luck!

[CroMagna]

Originally Posted by The Cloud

But who are you trying to become, that your life will become filled with these things? You need to be the kind of person that can let themselves have all these things before you can get them.

1. Looked up to
Republicans have an aura of respectability and dignity. They pull themselves up by their bootstraps and are committed to their values.
Strippers have an aura of mystery and beauty. People pay hundreds of thousands of dollars to gaze at the goddess.

2. Unique
Black Republicans
Strippers
Blacks in white churches

I don't want to feel inadequate no matter what I do. Maybe I should just be like everyone else in the family: liberal Christan democrats with basic jobs and marriages/divorces.

That's what I have so far.

[elucidate]

Are you meaning that ALL the people who go to strip clubs annually, all up, pay 'hundreds of thousands of dollars to gaze at the goddess'?

So basically you want to go into a proffession where some people will look up to you and respect that you are using what you have and ALOT more of them will look at you like you are nothing more than another *****...where's the respectability and dignity there, where's the mystery and beauty? In the real world most people are not gonna look at you with respect for what you choose to do, you can count on that! I suppose you just wouldn't tell anyone, which would be the smart option...but then you'd have further to fall if you do take on this "conservative christian" label and someone does find out what you do at night for money. It's a risk.

You really are very confused I think

Originally Posted by CroMagna

1. Looked up to
Republicans have an aura of respectability and dignity. They pull themselves up by their bootstraps and are committed to their values.
Strippers have an aura of mystery and beauty. People pay hundreds of thousands of dollars to gaze at the goddess.

2. Unique
Black Republicans
Strippers
Blacks in white churches

I don't want to feel inadequate no matter what I do. Maybe I should just be like everyone else in the family: liberal Christan democrats with basic jobs and marriages/divorces.

That's what I have so far.

[Daniel Birdick]

Cro:

So I take it from your answer to The Cloud that you feel inadequate and insignificant. Why? What makes your enduring personal traits and characteristics, as they are right now, inadequate and insignificant? Why do you reject yourself so consistently?

Your real change begins by accepting and even celebrating what you are. And no, I’m not coming at this from a hippy-dippy, happy-slappy, New Age feel good point of reference either. I’m coming at this from a stop believing the BS someone sold you about who and what you are and celebrate yourself rather than attempt to become something you essentially are not. Know who you are on a personal level, celebrate it, from a place of self embracing ask yourself what you want, then do what you need to do to go after it without apology. If you want power, you can have it. However, it is an inside-out job first. You are starting from the wrong position (the outside-in approach), hence your perpetual frustration and confusion.

Besides which, trying on various roles in the hopes that they will give you a feeling about yourself that you don’t currently have won’t work anyway. At least, not for long. Roles and jobs and religions are interchangeable for some of us. Who you really are to yourself however, never is.

[greg binkley]

You need to live today like it is your last day!! Forget all that Bull_____! & just be you , Stop thing Just DO IT!!
Greg

[The Cloud]

Originally Posted by CroMagna

1. Looked up to
Republicans have an aura of respectability and dignity. They pull themselves up by their bootstraps and are committed to their values.
Strippers have an aura of mystery and beauty. People pay hundreds of thousands of dollars to gaze at the goddess.

2. Unique
Black Republicans
Strippers
Blacks in white churches

I don't want to feel inadequate no matter what I do. Maybe I should just be like everyone else in the family: liberal Christan democrats with basic jobs and marriages/divorces.

That's what I have so far.

I suggest you give up. You're never going to be a republican, or a stripper, or a liberal Christian, at least not in the sense that you are trying to be. You might vote republican, work as a stripper, or do whatever liberal Christians do, but those will just be things you do, not people you are.

It is absolutely essential that you recognize that all these things that you are trying to become are never going to be who you are. Never ever. You need to let go of all the Christians and the Republicans and the strippers. It's a simple fact. You cannot progress beyond where are and what you feel like until you do that.

So it's a simple choice; you can keep trying to become what you will never be, or you can find out who you really are. You can't do both.

[elucidate]

I agree. I mean, you've been talking about being a stripper for over 6 months now, but haven't done it. You seem so sure when you say this is what you want, and yet you haven't done it.

Taking on labels as a way to cover over who you are isn't gonna help you find clarity, in fact it's just gonna make you more confused. Why do you need to 'become a conservative christian' to be respectable and dignified...just behave in a way that earns you respect with others and maintains your dignity.

Whatever you do make sure you actually DO IT, and not just talk about it.

Talking about it and never doing it, sends the message to others that you aren't really serious about what you are saying.
It also says that you don't follow through with what you say. This is something you are broadcasting to the universe right now.