Confessions of a leech

[KaleidoskopicVision]

In this post, I would like to bare my soul to you all. I've been dissatisfied with the condition of my life for a long time and keeping its contents a secret, pulling back the curtain and revealing the man behind it, is as much as I see it the best way to cause my despicable current self to shrivel and die once light is shined upon it.

I've been one of those 'depressed' people for a very long time. At every moment where I've been about to leap into the spiraling negativity and apathy, I've had a choice. A choice to accept my current struggle and meet it with courage. Memories that this self have been built upon offered me so many opportunities to wallow in self pity, to curl up in a ball and try my very hardest to ignore life and I took them. Not always at first, but as I developed a taste for apathy my life soon revolved around doing things that offered no real fulfillment, just empty amusement. Overeating, video games, porn, sleep and drugs became the things that consumed my time. I wanted nothing else, despised anything that took time away from these things and found myself thinking constantly about these thing.

But my greatest of all guilty pleasures became lying. I am an expert liar. A proficient storyteller. Telling the truth was always made painful for me as a child. I learned that lying was an excellent way to both avoid that and if you elaborated, a whole world of manipulation and empty egoic gratification opened up for me. Getting on an instant messaging programs, to pretend I was someone else to a host of people was my favorite hobby. I enjoyed it excessively, perhaps only spending more time with video games. I would feign sickness to get out of school so I could spend time with the computer. I was a master at acting with incredulity and offense when someone would accuse me of something I had not wanted to be discovered. Most of my friends never knew who I really am. I still wonder what they thought of me with all the lying. I've tested this a few times (not too many, I'm careful and methodical) by telling a friend I've been lying about something to their face. They've always reacted with disbelief. As if my confession of truth were the lie.

And so many people trust me. I wonder why sometimes but mostly I get a sick sense of pleasure, knowing that I can allay nearly anyones doubts and get them to reveal deep secrets. It's not as though they're in any danger, they're just revealing themselves to a facade. An illusion. This is not the only reason I lie. Rather than actually changing my life and making real achievements, I invent fake merit. I am a storyteller and all the autobiographies I write are fiction. I get that same sick sense of pleasure, that I know something the listener doesn't know, when I tell them my story. It gets even better when they praise my fake self. Sometimes I even feel a real sense of appreciation, which fades as I realize how empty my real life is.

It may not be so bad, if I were the one paying for all the things I overindulge to fill the emptiness inside me. But I live with my single mother, whom I convinced to divorce my father (for reasons that are somewhat legitimate and thus will not be discussed. Long story short my mom was cowardly). I've relied on my parents for mostly everything. I'm 19 and have used my relatively young age to justify living like a leech. My mother has a neurological disability which has twisted her neck at an odd angle. She's in pain quite often. Yet she works as much as the government allows her while still living on disability and I greedily lap up as much cash as she can possibly give. She loves me very much. It's obvious. Anyone else would have either killed me or abandoned me. And rather than respecting that love, I abuse it. I spend long hours on the internet doing absolutely nothing of use. Porn is a daily routine. Video gaming as well. I don't eat as much anymore, but I still eat quite a bit. I don't work for any of it.

My friends, the ones who care about me, give me advice and caring words. I listen to it, only loving how much they care and not really listening to those words.

I've grown accustomed to using people through manipulation. I'm so good at it, sometimes even I temporarily believe my sincerity. But my behavior always reveals my true sentiments. Behavior I conceal as much as possible when living on borrowed time.

I have no money. I have no source of money to use. They're out there, but this leech I've turned into wants nothing to do with honest effort. I have no motivation. No passion. I've read and re-read as much Personal Development material as I could fit in between my long lapses of indolence, but it's just another form of masturbation. Sometimes I'm so disgusted by myself I consider suicide. But that would just be the cherry on top of an already pitiful life.

Disclaimer: This post may be slightly one sided, perhaps told with tunnel vision. I've pointedly avoided any positivity I thought of while writing it. I do not want to see anything positive about the way I live, as it will just turn into an excuse to perpetuate this lifestyle.

[danas]

Well writing about this is one big step
what will be your next one?
Maybe a 30 day trial of some sort ?
Have you read steves book?

Maybe now is the time to change. What do you intend to do to improve your well being? What's your concrete next step?

[elucidate]

How do we know this isn't another elaborate story?

Originally Posted by KaleidoskopicVision

In this post, I would like to bare my soul to you all. I've been dissatisfied with the condition of my life for a long time and keeping its contents a secret, pulling back the curtain and revealing the man behind it, is as much as I see it the best way to cause my despicable current self to shrivel and die once light is shined upon it.

I've been one of those 'depressed' people for a very long time. At every moment where I've been about to leap into the spiraling negativity and apathy, I've had a choice. A choice to accept my current struggle and meet it with courage. Memories that this self have been built upon offered me so many opportunities to wallow in self pity, to curl up in a ball and try my very hardest to ignore life and I took them. Not always at first, but as I developed a taste for apathy my life soon revolved around doing things that offered no real fulfillment, just empty amusement. Overeating, video games, porn, sleep and drugs became the things that consumed my time. I wanted nothing else, despised anything that took time away from these things and found myself thinking constantly about these thing.

But my greatest of all guilty pleasures became lying. I am an expert liar. A proficient storyteller. Telling the truth was always made painful for me as a child. I learned that lying was an excellent way to both avoid that and if you elaborated, a whole world of manipulation and empty egoic gratification opened up for me. Getting on an instant messaging programs, to pretend I was someone else to a host of people was my favorite hobby. I enjoyed it excessively, perhaps only spending more time with video games. I would feign sickness to get out of school so I could spend time with the computer. I was a master at acting with incredulity and offense when someone would accuse me of something I had not wanted to be discovered. Most of my friends never knew who I really am. I still wonder what they thought of me with all the lying. I've tested this a few times (not too many, I'm careful and methodical) by telling a friend I've been lying about something to their face. They've always reacted with disbelief. As if my confession of truth were the lie.

And so many people trust me. I wonder why sometimes but mostly I get a sick sense of pleasure, knowing that I can allay nearly anyones doubts and get them to reveal deep secrets. It's not as though they're in any danger, they're just revealing themselves to a facade. An illusion. This is not the only reason I lie. Rather than actually changing my life and making real achievements, I invent fake merit. I am a storyteller and all the autobiographies I write are fiction. I get that same sick sense of pleasure, that I know something the listener doesn't know, when I tell them my story. It gets even better when they praise my fake self. Sometimes I even feel a real sense of appreciation, which fades as I realize how empty my real life is.

It may not be so bad, if I were the one paying for all the things I overindulge to fill the emptiness inside me. But I live with my single mother, whom I convinced to divorce my father (for reasons that are somewhat legitimate and thus will not be discussed. Long story short my mom was cowardly). I've relied on my parents for mostly everything. I'm 19 and have used my relatively young age to justify living like a leech. My mother has a neurological disability which has twisted her neck at an odd angle. She's in pain quite often. Yet she works as much as the government allows her while still living on disability and I greedily lap up as much cash as she can possibly give. She loves me very much. It's obvious. Anyone else would have either killed me or abandoned me. And rather than respecting that love, I abuse it. I spend long hours on the internet doing absolutely nothing of use. Porn is a daily routine. Video gaming as well. I don't eat as much anymore, but I still eat quite a bit. I don't work for any of it.

My friends, the ones who care about me, give me advice and caring words. I listen to it, only loving how much they care and not really listening to those words.

I've grown accustomed to using people through manipulation. I'm so good at it, sometimes even I temporarily believe my sincerity. But my behavior always reveals my true sentiments. Behavior I conceal as much as possible when living on borrowed time.

I have no money. I have no source of money to use. They're out there, but this leech I've turned into wants nothing to do with honest effort. I have no motivation. No passion. I've read and re-read as much Personal Development material as I could fit in between my long lapses of indolence, but it's just another form of masturbation. Sometimes I'm so disgusted by myself I consider suicide. But that would just be the cherry on top of an already pitiful life.

Disclaimer: This post may be slightly one sided, perhaps told with tunnel vision. I've pointedly avoided any positivity I thought of while writing it. I do not want to see anything positive about the way I live, as it will just turn into an excuse to perpetuate this lifestyle.

[Michael Chui]

Move out.

[Cado]

Good to see you've lit your bed on fire. Pour some gasoline on it-sleep is no longer an option, not unless you favor nightmares.

[KaleidoskopicVision]

Originally Posted by elucidate

How do we know this isn't another elaborate story?

You don't. At this point I don't care whether or not you believe me. It was just good to get it out there.

Cado, that is a fantastic idea.

[InterfaceLeader]

1. Don't try and change everything at once. Just pick one positive habit and stick with it until it becomes just that - a habit.

2. Reward yourself for success. Not by returning to your old behaviour! But by telling yourself you are doing really well, you are a good/brave/honest person.


Your whole post is drenched in negativity - I understand why you did that, and facing your worst aspects is necessary to improve them. But you should be on the lookout now for positive parts of your behaviour and yourself. It is so so easy to wallow in the 'I'm worthless and pathetic' stage, and sabotage yourself all the time. Celebrate yourself and share that celebration with others.


Skill at lying can be turned to positive ends. You could write fiction, become an actor, start role-playing sessions (offline). Try and get involved with improv groups if you can?

Don't worry too much about the money right now. Your Mom does love you, and probably gets some personal satisfaction in being able to look after you and support you. There's plenty of people older than yourself still needing to rely on parental financial support. Instead, look at ways you can help her out - with household chores (doing the dishes, vacuuming, gardening, carrying the shopping).

[Hunter Swart]

"...pulling back the curtain and revealing the man behind it, is as much as I see it the best way to cause my despicable current self to shrivel and die once light is shined upon it."

This reminds me of one of my favorite quotes:

"Death is a stripping away of all that is not you. The secret of life is to "die before you die" -- and find that there is no death." - Eckhart Tolle

It's important to "drag the whole messy thing out into the light and take a deep long look at it". I'll try to steer away from doing too much philosophic babbling (as I have a tendency to do) and just speak from the heart. I can really relate to your situation, I mean some of this seems exactly like me. I'm 18 at the moment, I have no job and all of the money I have comes from my mother or grandparents. I'm still living much like I was when I was a minor and have yet to move out. I've had my time/productivity drained by video games, porn, odd sleeping hours and weed.


I understand your making this article one-sided, and it's good that you are clarifying for yourself those parts of you that you're disgusted with. But this next point is very important: Don't get caught up in being negative about how your life has turned out, even if it's logical to do so. You need to construct a new self-image from the aftermath of this light being shone on you, rather then do nothing afterward. This apathetic mindset is what created your situation. But that doesn't mean that anything went wrong. Your current surroundings (i.e. everything including what you think of as your self) were all created just now to mold to your understanding of the reality.

It's very important to embrace change in order to break from this point of your life where stagnation is predominant. I'm not saying that you haven't done new things in the past, but those new things were (I'm guessing) somehow attached to previous cycles and addictions you've conditioned yourself to coexist with. This "change" I speak of is what creates new experiences for you that give you a glimpse of what life feels like, it's the chaotic life force that gives rise to the universe we (believe) we live in; it's creativity. Okay, this got too abstract, but the basic concept that I'm trying to convey to you is that if your life sucks and everything that you know of is part of this life, then anything new (different) must have the potential of being different from what currently exists. For instance, moving out of your house would generate a wealth of new experiences, because your entire environment is different.

But it's important to note that any new experience is really you experiencing your own self, so if you are thinking that it's going to be crappy then it has to be, because you're in a crappy mood and this new experience is composed of you, as is everything.

[elucidate]

Good answer

Originally Posted by KaleidoskopicVision

You don't. At this point I don't care whether or not you believe me. It was just good to get it out there.

Cado, that is a fantastic idea.

[Harmonium]

I've been trying to tell KV he should start some projects with me, **** people benefit from, for the highest of all good, etc. If it's for the highest of all good we get the universe backing us. There really isn't many other good ideas. KV always said he like art, and etc. Another idea I offered was for him to learn photoshop and cover the design aspect of any projects we may undertake, it's a pretty simple thing where you get to be creative and get paid. I'd say there isn't really any better starting point than that.

Learning to be able to put $ on your card regardless of location is liberating. Seriously.

[Criseyde]

Two things:

1. Find a job.

2. Realize that whenever you want to change who you are, you have to say goodbye to the person you were. I think this is the hardest thing to do and the reason many people fail at making permanent changes in their lives, so you should start facing the idea early.

[The Cloud]

I don't have any advice for you, other than to continue to acknowledge the nature of your existence. You'll know what to do about it soon enough, and eventually you'll have the courage to do it. I doubt that anyone on this forum knows better than you what to do about your condition.

[Moxie]

I think it's important to just stop manipulating people. I'm sure that you realize that just because you can, doesn't mean you should. And also, take it easy on yourself, you are expressing nothing but bad things about yourself, and that's only part of the story.

[Cado]

Originally Posted by Moxie

I think it's important to just stop manipulating people. I'm sure that you realize that just because you can, doesn't mean you should. And also, take it easy on yourself, you are expressing nothing but bad things about yourself, and that's only part of the story.

A lot of it is lies and slander, there's little doubt about that. Many people start there. There's nothing wrong with that-gotta be honest about what you feel before you can delve any deeper. The key is to remember it's only the start.

"You must accept before you can transmute."

[rei]

I just read this and thought about this thread:

Almaas (1996) has developed a model of growth based on a "transformation of narcissism." ...Pivotal steps...include such themes as discovering the empty shell and fakeness, becoming aware of the narcissistic wound, working through the great betrayal, narcissistic rage, the great chasm, discovering a place of loving beaingness, and the realization of the essential identity. Almaas' model [focuses on] moving from reliance on the false self to relaxing into essence.... (p.59)

Nixon, G. (2005). Beyond "Dry Drunkenness": Facilitating second stage recovery using Wilber's "Spectrum of Consciousness" Developmental Model. Journal of Social Work Practice in the Addictions, Vol. 5(3).

I thought about this thread because of the empty shell/fakeness step. But it also seems like this model is something that would be useful to look into, KV. Good luck with your process of authenticity.

[shasah]

KV, just realize that more people than you think know. They just don't say it to your face. There will come a situation if you continue as you are that will have major consequences. I know, I was there once. That one lesson came when I was in my twenties and it was devastating. I have since found that the truth will indeed set you free. Some people say I'm too honest, but I can deal with that. People respect me because they know I don't lie. If I screw up, I'm very up front about it. You are the only one that can make that decision. Do it before you get caught when it matters most!! Good luck.

[Sven Schoene]

Originally Posted by shasah

I have since found that the truth will indeed set you free. Some people say I'm too honest, but I can deal with that. People respect me because they know I don't lie. If I screw up, I'm very up front about it. You are the only one that can make that decision. Do it before you get caught when it matters most!! Good luck.

I can't add anything more valuable than this. Good job, Shasah!

[Cado]

Here's the funny thing: when you manipulate people out of habit you're a slave to the manipulation. What looks like power on the outside is nothing more than a way to get your fix. If you do anything just to get a high it will bite you in the ass. The core you cares too much to not sabotage you.

There's two ways to deal with manipulation as far as I know:

1. Give it up completely.

2. Consciously utilize it when the situation calls for it.

Either approach requires self-knowledge as action and abstinence accomplish nothing on their own. KV, if you're zeroed in on what you can see, tap into what you feel.

You've got nothing to feel guilty about. No, what you've got here is an opportunity. Whatever made you write this will guide you on your way.

[KaleidoskopicVision]

Originally Posted by Michael Chui

Move out.

I'd like to do that. I'd also like the transition to have at least some fluidity. That's probably just an excuse coming from fear though.

Originally Posted by danas

Well writing about this is one big step
what will be your next one?
Maybe a 30 day trial of some sort ?
Have you read steves book?

Maybe now is the time to change. What do you intend to do to improve your well being? What's your concrete next step?

I have read Steve's book. I didn't connect very well with it, despite enjoying his blog posts. I don't have a concrete next step yet. I always develop one and then drop it because of negative self talk or deciding it's not what I 'really want'. My concrete next step is to find something I'm willing to commit to.

Originally Posted by rei

I just read this and thought about this thread:


Nixon, G. (2005). Beyond "Dry Drunkenness": Facilitating second stage recovery using Wilber's "Spectrum of Consciousness" Developmental Model. Journal of Social Work Practice in the Addictions, Vol. 5(3).

I thought about this thread because of the empty shell/fakeness step. But it also seems like this model is something that would be useful to look into, KV. Good luck with your process of authenticity.

That does look useful. Time for a library trip. Thanks rei.

Originally Posted by InterfaceLeader

1. Don't try and change everything at once. Just pick one positive habit and stick with it until it becomes just that - a habit.

2. Reward yourself for success. Not by returning to your old behaviour! But by telling yourself you are doing really well, you are a good/brave/honest person.


Your whole post is drenched in negativity - I understand why you did that, and facing your worst aspects is necessary to improve them. But you should be on the lookout now for positive parts of your behaviour and yourself. It is so so easy to wallow in the 'I'm worthless and pathetic' stage, and sabotage yourself all the time. Celebrate yourself and share that celebration with others.


Skill at lying can be turned to positive ends. You could write fiction, become an actor, start role-playing sessions (offline). Try and get involved with improv groups if you can?

Don't worry too much about the money right now. Your Mom does love you, and probably gets some personal satisfaction in being able to look after you and support you. There's plenty of people older than yourself still needing to rely on parental financial support. Instead, look at ways you can help her out - with household chores (doing the dishes, vacuuming, gardening, carrying the shopping).

I like your advice. It's very concrete and I can see potential progress. I already do help out around the house. I tend a garden and cook meals along with other odd jobs. My post really was overly negative. Most of my anxiety does stem from the whole money game and not being involved in it. Also your idea for how to reward myself for accomplishment is much better than my previous way of rewarding myself, which was exactly what you said not to do

I'm also going to try that improv group idea. Acting is something I've never experienced. Who knows, there might be some hidden passion there...

Thank you, InterfaceLeader.

[KaleidoskopicVision]

Originally Posted by Criseyde

Two things:

1. Find a job.

2. Realize that whenever you want to change who you are, you have to say goodbye to the person you were. I think this is the hardest thing to do and the reason many people fail at making permanent changes in their lives, so you should start facing the idea early.

I have some resistance to that first suggestion, because I've done the job route before and nothing much came of it. I want more than to find just any job. I want real fulfillment.

Yes, saying goodbye to my 'old self' is a process I've often tried to initiate only to have my old self talk me out of it. Not as easy as it sounds to remake yourself I guess. Especially when I don't have the faintest clue as to who I want to be. I want to be myself, without all this crap in my life. Oh hey, I guess I do know who I want to be.

Originally Posted by Hunter Swart

"...pulling back the curtain and revealing the man behind it, is as much as I see it the best way to cause my despicable current self to shrivel and die once light is shined upon it."

This reminds me of one of my favorite quotes:

"Death is a stripping away of all that is not you. The secret of life is to "die before you die" -- and find that there is no death." - Eckhart Tolle

It's important to "drag the whole messy thing out into the light and take a deep long look at it". I'll try to steer away from doing too much philosophic babbling (as I have a tendency to do) and just speak from the heart. I can really relate to your situation, I mean some of this seems exactly like me. I'm 18 at the moment, I have no job and all of the money I have comes from my mother or grandparents. I'm still living much like I was when I was a minor and have yet to move out. I've had my time/productivity drained by video games, porn, odd sleeping hours and weed.


I understand your making this article one-sided, and it's good that you are clarifying for yourself those parts of you that you're disgusted with. But this next point is very important: Don't get caught up in being negative about how your life has turned out, even if it's logical to do so. You need to construct a new self-image from the aftermath of this light being shone on you, rather then do nothing afterward. This apathetic mindset is what created your situation. But that doesn't mean that anything went wrong. Your current surroundings (i.e. everything including what you think of as your self) were all created just now to mold to your understanding of the reality.

It's very important to embrace change in order to break from this point of your life where stagnation is predominant. I'm not saying that you haven't done new things in the past, but those new things were (I'm guessing) somehow attached to previous cycles and addictions you've conditioned yourself to coexist with. This "change" I speak of is what creates new experiences for you that give you a glimpse of what life feels like, it's the chaotic life force that gives rise to the universe we (believe) we live in; it's creativity. Okay, this got too abstract, but the basic concept that I'm trying to convey to you is that if your life sucks and everything that you know of is part of this life, then anything new (different) must have the potential of being different from what currently exists. For instance, moving out of your house would generate a wealth of new experiences, because your entire environment is different.

But it's important to note that any new experience is really you experiencing your own self, so if you are thinking that it's going to be crappy then it has to be, because you're in a crappy mood and this new experience is composed of you, as is everything.

Thank you, Hunter. Very insightful. I'm glad you understood the motivation behind my post. Getting over it and taking action is my next step.

Originally Posted by Harmonium

I've been trying to tell KV he should start some projects with me, **** people benefit from, for the highest of all good, etc. If it's for the highest of all good we get the universe backing us. There really isn't many other good ideas. KV always said he like art, and etc. Another idea I offered was for him to learn photoshop and cover the design aspect of any projects we may undertake, it's a pretty simple thing where you get to be creative and get paid. I'd say there isn't really any better starting point than that.

Learning to be able to put $ on your card regardless of location is liberating. Seriously.

Thanks for being a friend, despite me treating you badly most of the time. Sometimes I think you make no sense and it's difficult for me to relate to you, but our conflicting personalities have taught me alot about life.

[rei]

KV, you're welcome and glad it looks useful.

However, though you'd probably dig the discussion of Wilber's model in that article, it's not the primary source for the model I was quoting about. You might wanna Google Almaas for the primary source of that information.

You've been weaving this tapestry of fiction for some time now. Kudos for inching into the idea of letting it go.... you probably know this has been your way of avoiding the stuff going on underneath these patterns. I wish for you the strength, courage, self-honesty, and self-love you will need to face that stuff when you feel ready (or ready enough ).

[KaleidoskopicVision]

Originally Posted by Illustro Cado

Here's the funny thing: when you manipulate people out of habit you're a slave to the manipulation. What looks like power on the outside is nothing more than a way to get your fix. If you do anything just to get a high it will bite you in the ass. The core you cares too much to not sabotage you.

There's two ways to deal with manipulation as far as I know:

1. Give it up completely.

2. Consciously utilize it when the situation calls for it.

Either approach requires self-knowledge as action and abstinence accomplish nothing on their own. KV, if you're zeroed in on what you can see, tap into what you feel.

You've got nothing to feel guilty about. No, what you've got here is an opportunity. Whatever made you write this will guide you on your way.

Thanks Cado. Very optimistic. I've also been taking random action/abstinence based approaches to my problems and each and every time have found myself back at square one. Self knowledge is important, but often action reveals that knowledge. I guess I'm tired of not having all the answers. I feel like the universe and I have been playing guessing games.

Originally Posted by shasah

KV, just realize that more people than you think know. They just don't say it to your face. There will come a situation if you continue as you are that will have major consequences. I know, I was there once. That one lesson came when I was in my twenties and it was devastating. I have since found that the truth will indeed set you free. Some people say I'm too honest, but I can deal with that. People respect me because they know I don't lie. If I screw up, I'm very up front about it. You are the only one that can make that decision. Do it before you get caught when it matters most!! Good luck.

I appreciate your imparting of wisdom. I don't want lying to be my own undoing. Many people probably do know that I lie and manipulate, which might explain why some people don't appreciate my company (seemingly for no reason). They can probably detect that I'm somewhat of a snake.

Originally Posted by Moxie

I think it's important to just stop manipulating people. I'm sure that you realize that just because you can, doesn't mean you should. And also, take it easy on yourself, you are expressing nothing but bad things about yourself, and that's only part of the story.

I've been actively trying to be more truthful. I lie without even thinking about it because it's become a habit, so it's much like trying to stop another bad habit like nail biting or smoking. And I realize my post was only part of the story. I just haven't told the shadow's story for a long, long time.

Originally Posted by The Cloud

I don't have any advice for you, other than to continue to acknowledge the nature of your existence. You'll know what to do about it soon enough, and eventually you'll have the courage to do it. I doubt that anyone on this forum knows better than you what to do about your condition.

I've made attempts at stopping habitual complaining in the past. It's a power draining activity. This post is really just complaining about my life. I have alot of options, plenty of opportunity and plenty of time. I also shouldn't be expecting an overnight solution.

[KaleidoskopicVision]

Originally Posted by rei

KV, you're welcome and glad it looks useful.

However, though you'd probably dig the discussion of Wilber's model in that article, it's not the primary source for the model I was quoting about. You might wanna Google Almaas for the primary source of that information.

You've been weaving this tapestry of fiction for some time now. Kudos for inching into the idea of letting it go.... you probably know this has been your way of avoiding the stuff going on underneath these patterns. I wish for you the strength, courage, self-honesty, and self-love you will need to face that stuff when you feel ready (or ready enough ).

Well I certainly feel ready enough. Thanks rei, I like how you called it a "tapestry of fiction". I'm quite ready to leave it where it's at. Previously I've focused on destructiveness and I don't think that approach works. It only adds more to the mess. Letting go does sound like the best solution. I've googled Almaas and am reading about the 'diamond approach' right now. It's very real so far. No promises of happiness or success, just a way to seek truth. Thank you very much.

[rei]

Originally Posted by KaleidoskopicVision

Well I certainly feel ready enough. Thanks rei, I like how you called it a "tapestry of fiction". I'm quite ready to leave it where it's at. Previously I've focused on destructiveness and I don't think that approach works. It only adds more to the mess. Letting go does sound like the best solution. I've googled Almaas and am reading about the 'diamond approach' right now. It's very real so far. No promises of happiness or success, just a way to seek truth. Thank you very much.

Welcome! Felt like real you there Hello to real KV

Yeah, I would agree that the destructive approach can just make it more complicated. Even the literature on this stuff talks about working with all the various forms of self instead of aggression against self... all those pieces of self are there for a reason and had a higher purpose to serve at one point or another. I think the process of letting go of the false parts may be a bit easier if we can actually feel grateful to them for serving their higher purpose.

(Hehe... I'm procrastinating on a paper but at least I'm applying what I've been reading about )

Glad you resonated with the suggestion

[KaleidoskopicVision]

Originally Posted by rei

Welcome! Felt like real you there Hello to real KV

Yeah, I would agree that the destructive approach can just make it more complicated. Even the literature on this stuff talks about working with all the various forms of self instead of aggression against self... all those pieces of self are there for a reason and had a higher purpose to serve at one point or another. I think the process of letting go of the false parts may be a bit easier if we can actually feel grateful to them for serving their higher purpose.

(Hehe... I'm procrastinating on a paper but at least I'm applying what I've been reading about )

Glad you resonated with the suggestion

Wow Almaas sure wrote alot of books! Is there one you would recommend before all the others? They all look very helpful, which is somewhat surprising considering the sheer volume of the books.

[rei]

Originally Posted by KaleidoskopicVision

Wow Almaas sure wrote alot of books! Is there one you would recommend before all the others? They all look very helpful, which is somewhat surprising considering the sheer volume of the books.

I haven't actually read any of Almass' work, I just saw that particular model mentioned in the article and it resonated with your situation. I think the model from Almaas came out in 1996? You might try googling the author's name and the name of the model? If all the works look very helpful, then you can probably just take your pick if you don't find anything about that particular model from your research.

[Cado]

Originally Posted by KaleidoskopicVision

Thanks Cado. Very optimistic. I've also been taking random action/abstinence based approaches to my problems and each and every time have found myself back at square one. Self knowledge is important, but often action reveals that knowledge. I guess I'm tired of not having all the answers. I feel like the universe and I have been playing guessing games.

I'm learning myself just how important action is but I've also learned that stubbornly pushing forward no matter what is a dead end. The mode of thought which moves me forward is the one that drives me to look at what I don't want to see. What scares you, KV? Is there something that, when you think about it, makes death seem preferable? If so that's likely where you should begin.

[KaleidoskopicVision]

Originally Posted by rei

I haven't actually read any of Almass' work, I just saw that particular model mentioned in the article and it resonated with your situation. I think the model from Almaas came out in 1996? You might try googling the author's name and the name of the model? If all the works look very helpful, then you can probably just take your pick if you don't find anything about that particular model from your research.

Okay, thanks again

Originally Posted by Illustro Cado

I'm learning myself just how important action is but I've also learned that stubbornly pushing forward no matter what is a dead end. The mode of thought which moves me forward is the one that drives me to look at what I don't want to see. What scares you, KV? Is there something that, when you think about it, makes death seem preferable? If so that's likely where you should begin.

It's interesting, I can't think of an answer to your question. Certain ways of dying scare me. I know I have an answer to your question, but I'm blocking it from coming to consciousness. Definitely going to spend some time with that question, I'll give you an answer when I find one.

[KaleidoskopicVision]

Oh and InterfaceLeader, I simply love your blog. Seriously. This post especially,
Growing Up: What to do with your life - Turtles-Paradise

[elucidate]

I can't think of anything to add, but I relate very much to what shasah says here.

Telling the truth is actually harder and much more challenging in this world, since lying is almost encouraged in society, and is certainly acceptable for some reason. Being honest is a form of spiritual practise and will definately leave you feeling better for it in the long run.

Best of luck KV...it takes alot of courage to own up to the false self.

Originally Posted by shasah

KV, just realize that more people than you think know. They just don't say it to your face. There will come a situation if you continue as you are that will have major consequences. I know, I was there once. That one lesson came when I was in my twenties and it was devastating. I have since found that the truth will indeed set you free. Some people say I'm too honest, but I can deal with that. People respect me because they know I don't lie. If I screw up, I'm very up front about it. You are the only one that can make that decision. Do it before you get caught when it matters most!! Good luck.