What will become of me?

[The Cloud]

I look around me, and I see nothing but failure. I'm 24 and I have never supported myself. I just moved back to Chicago, have a temporary part-time job, moved into an apartment that I can't possibly afford if I don't find longer-term employment. I have never had a girlfriend, or even been kissed for that matter.

I am obsessing over a girl that has a boyfriend and will probably never even go out with me. We will be "just friends," and I will allow it because I can't be good enough to do what is necessary for that to change. I am literally surrounded by failure, my room being a complete disarray of half-packed stuff. I feel like crap, I have a headache, I'm sore from moving all that stuff without having done any reasonable exercise in at least half a year. I weigh more than I have in my entire life. I apply to jobs, but I'm not happy about it and I'm not motivated to do it anymore than I am motivated to unpack my stuff. My CD drive on my computer broke. I was angry today. I swore. I felt bad feelings. I was unhappy.

Even worse, everything seems to be working out in my favor. The apartment is amazing for the price, my new roommates are classy individuals, I have a job that will pay enough to keep me going long enough to get a real job, I'm eating healthier, and the girl I mentioned has expressed a great deal of interest in going with me to a nature reserve in a way that could indicate a more-than-friends future. These things are worse because I know where they are taking me; an inevitable fall. I'm going to commit myself too much to something, and it will devastate me. If I'm lucky, it will be soon; if not, it could be years of being on the verge of misery without actually being there.

I see all this ruin around me, all the things that have gone wrong and will go wrong, and what I am reminded of is that the past is not disconnected from the future. All these horrible things are bringing me to something great. I look at my room, and in the disarray I see proof that my life is valid. People could look at how unhappy I've been and see nothing good, but that's because they cannot see that the past is proof of the future. They cannot see that my unhappiness has created for me an inevitable path towards what I am to become.

I'm not trying to turn negativity into positivity. The negative was and always will be a positive value, a thing of creation, a place from which life can spring. Nothing really changes. What was is what is is what will be. What could be more perfect?

[Lichterschachtel]

You think you're going to fail without even trying? Wonderful things are happening to you, now! Just try to enjoy it, without thinking about what will happen later. The future only exists to the extent that you think about it. But, until the time you're focusing on comes into the present, it doesn't really even exist yet . Nothing is decided yet. In fact, there's no reason why the same problems must arise again. "Fate" isn't dooming you to anything, you're dooming yourself.

This is your chance to turn your life around, but you see that already, and already know the problem: lack of motivation. But there's a second one: your own constant negative thinking. This is your life, and either you can harness it now, and turn it around, or let this wonderful opportunity pass you by. No one's going to take action for you. You have to. Are you ready?

[The Cloud]

Originally Posted by Lichterschachtel

The future only exists to the extent that you think about it.

Then the future exists now. It's funny how you assumed that just because my post was about negativity, that it was also about failure. Quite the opposite. I am going to succeed. I don't think I will be able to help it. That doesn't necessarily mean that it will be a good thing. Success is just as messy and ruinous as failure. The move out of my apartment will be no less chaotic if it's to a nice condo than if it is to the street.

People think that success and failure are separate things. I don't. I think they are the same. The failure around me is just more proof of the success to come. My negative thinking and lack of motivation is what will launch me there, as much as anything positive in my life.

[Lichterschachtel]

Originally Posted by The Cloud

Then the future exists now. It's funny how you assumed that just because my post was about negativity, that it was also about failure. Quite the opposite. I am going to succeed. I don't think I will be able to help it. That doesn't necessarily mean that it will be a good thing. Success is just as messy and ruinous as failure. The move out of my apartment will be no less chaotic if it's to a nice condo than if it is to the street.

People think that success and failure are separate things. I don't. I think they are the same. The failure around me is just more proof of the success to come. My negative thinking and lack of motivation is what will launch me there, as much as anything positive in my life.

That's really interesting. But I don't think like that. It just shows that reality is however we interpret it.

[rabbitfur]

Originally Posted by The Cloud

What will become of me?

This is it. This is what became of you.

END OF STORY.

[Manomanman]

Looks like you need an injection of POWER

[Manomanman]

Originally Posted by The Cloud

Success is just as messy and ruinous as failure.

Your statement is only true of culturally-defined success (i.e. all the things you're going for right now that you don't actually want).

It is not true of self-defined success, or "purposeful living."

-Jesse

[cacheborn]

So what are you going to do about it?

[Piercetheveil]

Cloud, just when I think you can not surprise me you do so. Thank you.

[The Cloud]

Originally Posted by rabbitfur

This is it. This is what became of you.

END OF STORY.

Makes sense to me .

Originally Posted by Manomanman

Looks like you need an injection of POWER

Originally Posted by Manomanman

Your statement is only true of culturally-defined success (i.e. all the things you're going for right now that you don't actually want).

It is not true of self-defined success, or "purposeful living."

-Jesse

Ha, I have no idea what I want. Either that, or the things I want are bad for me. Lacking a perfect knowledge of my desires, I am equally well served by doing what everyone else wants me to do as I am by doing what I want to do relative to what everyone else wants me to do. Even if I decide what I want, one way or another it always turns out that I based my decision on what other people want. I don't need power, I need knowledge. Lacking that all I have is a mess, which in the absence of true desire is not so undesirable, and in fact no different from success with reference to desires that aren't my own.

So all things being equal, I may as well succeed.

Originally Posted by cacheborn

So what are you going to do about it?

Originally Posted by cacheborn

When you fail, you become smarter. ~ Steve Pavlina

Exactly.

[Lauxa]

Originally Posted by The Cloud

Ha, I have no idea what I want. Either that, or the things I want are bad for me. Lacking a perfect knowledge of my desires, I am equally well served by doing what everyone else wants me to do as I am by doing what I want to do relative to what everyone else wants me to do. Even if I decide what I want, one way or another it always turns out that I based my decision on what other people want. I don't need power, I need knowledge. Lacking that all I have is a mess, which in the absence of true desire is not so undesirable, and in fact no different from success with reference to desires that aren't my own.

So all things being equal, I may as well succeed.

Really, no idea what you want? I mean, I don't know EXACTLY what I want, but I can certainly envision some scenarios and ways of being that I prefer over others. And you can't do what "everyone" wants you to do because everyone doesn't want you to do the same thing.

Things I want are a healthy body, a kind disposition, a serene environment, friendly interactions with others, and the opportunity to contribute to something greater than myself. Maybe that's what "everyone" wants.

[Sven Schoene]

The Cloud,

look at you. The way you write. The way you express yourself. The way you think.

You know what?

You have great potential. Tons of it actually. I know it.

But do you want to know what important lesson you've reminded me of again?

The world needs more leaders. We need more leaders who provide great visions which talented and promising people like you can buy into.

Why I am saying this?

Some time ago I had an argument with myself whether or not some people should be leaders and why people even need leaders.

You need a bigger purpose to direct your thoughts and actions towards to. You need a context, a frame which you can put around your life which gives meaning to everything that you do.

I'm not saying that you can't become a leader, don't get me wrong. I'm just advising you to find a positive mentor or an idol who can guide you into the right direction. You have lots of power, don't waste it. The world needs you, you just don't feel the connection yet.

Again, find someone with a greater vision than you that you can buy into until you got everything together.

That's the only valuable thing I can really say. You did not ask any question and seemed somehow "satisfied" with your situation. Don't waste your years, honestly.

[The Cloud]

Originally Posted by Lauxa

Really, no idea what you want? I mean, I don't know EXACTLY what I want, but I can certainly envision some scenarios and ways of being that I prefer over others. And you can't do what "everyone" wants you to do because everyone doesn't want you to do the same thing.

I was using "everyone" in the abstract sense, not the literal. Anyways, I think what you really want is to know what you want. Not prefer, but want. Need. That would give you the absolute power to overcome any barrier whatsoever. But instead you equivocate your every decision, because you can always tolerate the alternative. You can always give up, and so you allow everything that doesn't matter to influence you.

Fear, doubt, uncertainty, pain, failure; these things all have power only when there is a direction that they can push you. If you truly wanted something with a deep and unabiding desire, you wouldn't have to worry about fear or pain or doubt. All the crap that you worry about would just disappear and become unnecessary, because you would know what you wanted.

At least that's how I feel. I have all sorts of negative things in my life. I'm unmotivated, afraid, bored, frustrated, annoyed, and every other spectrum of indecent human emotion. But they can't hurt me, because I have nothing I want that they can prevent me from getting. There are things that I prefer, and they have the power to influence me in that arena, but "I prefer" and "I don't care" are practically synonyms.

That's why the ruin around me is so inspiring; because it will create success. It has to, now that I'm not opposing it. Either it will create too great a success or too great a failure to bear. In my mind, they will be the same. I can't be stopped, because I have nowhere to go. I can't be beaten, because I have nothing to defend. I am controlled by the lowest common denominator of human emotion, and I have no reason to oppose it. No reason? Perhaps I don't even have the means to oppose it. It's six of one or half a dozen of the other.

Originally Posted by Sven Schoene

I'm not saying that you can't become a leader, don't get me wrong. I'm just advising you to find a positive mentor or an idol who can guide you into the right direction. You have lots of power, don't waste it. The world needs you, you just don't feel the connection yet.

I never intend to be a leader. I have found my mentor, I simply don't feel I'm worthy of trying to live up to her yet. I know how I will do so once I am ready, but there's no reason to be premature about it. I also have my own goals, but I'm not ready for those yet either. Not until I need them too badly to be stopped will I be ready. That, too, is part of the goal; not to pollute my goals and purposes with the boring tedium of human averageness. I will either be great, or I will be nothing. I will not be half-and-half, and unsure of either.

[Sven Schoene]

Originally Posted by The Cloud

I never intend to be a leader. I have found my mentor, I simply don't feel I'm worthy of trying to live up to her yet. I know how I will do so once I am ready, but there's no reason to be premature about it. I also have my own goals, but I'm not ready for those yet either. Not until I need them too badly to be stopped will I be ready. That, too, is part of the goal; not to pollute my goals and purposes with the boring tedium of human averageness. I will either be great, or I will be nothing. I will not be half-and-half, and unsure of either.

Am I right in the assumption that if you say you will "either be great, or you will be nothing", that you are not putting "Being Nothing" and "Being Great" on a spectrum? Am I right when I say that you say they are exclusive: You either are great or you are nothing?

If that is true, then here's the idea:
Why not put both terms on a spectrum.

Being Nothing = 0
Being Great = 10

Personally, I do not only find this much more compelling but also far more accurate. It shows that it's a path that you need to walk on.

Also, what does a spectrum imply?

It implies that you have to live out being a 3 before you can become a 4. You have to master being a 6 before you can become a 7.

Ultimately, you can't just become a 10 from 0. Life isn't either/or. It's a process.

And the last ultimate thought: Even if you don't think of this to be true or accurate, wouldn't it be far more compelling and useful if you tried to think that way?


Anyways, I might be totally off and you didn't mean any of this at all and you completely agree with me anyway. In that case, I'll come up with a different point of view.

[The Cloud]

Originally Posted by Sven Schoene

Am I right in the assumption that if you say you will "either be great, or you will be nothing", that you are not putting "Being Nothing" and "Being Great" on a spectrum? Am I right when I say that you say they are exclusive: You either are great or you are nothing?

If that is true, then here's the idea:
Why not put both terms on a spectrum.

Being Nothing = 0
Being Great = 10

Personally, I do not only find this much more compelling but also far more accurate. It shows that it's a path that you need to walk on.

Also, what does a spectrum imply?

It implies that you have to live out being a 3 before you can become a 4. You have to master being a 6 before you can become a 7.

Ultimately, you can't just become a 10 from 0. Life isn't either/or. It's a process.

And the last ultimate thought: Even if you don't think of this to be true or accurate, wouldn't it be far more compelling and useful if you tried to think that way?


Anyways, I might be totally off and you didn't mean any of this at all and you completely agree with me anyway. In that case, I'll come up with a different point of view.

Relative success doesn't interest me. A 10 is great compared to a 1, but not much compared to a 20, and since it's all relative there is no upper boundary. Relative success is the kind of success I will experience simply because I am not avoiding it. In my experience, relative success requires very little in the way of intelligence or creativity, and mostly relies on time-consuming tedium. I got my best grades in college when I threw away all thought of enjoying or creating anything, and just focused on putting in the time necessary to get the work done. Heck, I may even have learned more. The system works. So alright, I'll play the game, but I'm not going to pretend it inspires me.

My goals, the things that I'm reaching for, are truly great, not relatively great. I can't do them the way I want to do them with a relative desire. I'm not going to half-ass them, just put in the time and get it over with, and pretend that's good enough to be a 7 when I can be a 10, or a 10 when I can be a 20. It's not, not for what I'm planning on doing. There is only good enough, and not good enough. I will know when I am good enough, and knowing will make all the difference.