Im at a crossroads in my life...some help anyone?please?

[sidthekid12]

I'll start my first post by saying that I believe this website should be deemed some sort of national treasure or something...be made required reading...and there should be a nobel prize for personal development and steve pavlina should win every time

I don't wanna write a long post but im sorry cause the background details are essential.......so this is my ...thingummy
I'm 16 and live in India. Since as early as I can remember I've always been very creative and good in English(used to read lotsa books) and interested in computers and had a general notion that I'd grow up to be some sort of game-animation-programmer-cum-novelist. I've been playing guitar for 3 years but since last year it became something more than a hobby. Two months ago I started listening to bob dylan santana and the beatles and came across this site. Thats when I seriously started considering become some musician or guitarist or something when I grow up
Pretty straightforward, right? Well, I ****ed it all up
I'd always had a introverted-type nature...not too much, but no-one would call me an extrovert...I was lucky to have good friends...2 years ago i shifted to another city...the shy streak exploded...at the same time I started devouring Ayn Rand and I developed (i now realize) a superiority complex. I became a loner...not exactly that, since I had friends in school, never had to sit alone or anything, but never really formed a true connection with anybody except for 1 or 2 people...never brought no friend home or a stayover or anything...always this wall, this 'school-friend-nothing-more' thing...I didn't join the school band, even though i played guitar pretty well...well now my social skills are dead in the water I can't talk looking into some1's eyes for more than 2-3 min or something(except for those 1 or 2 guys)...
I have put all that behind me(i hope), but the fact remains that I've never been on stage. Its not that I stutter or anything(like,not too nerdy), and generally make witty comments during conversation, but only if someone else initiates it...i mean to say that, imagine being able to cycle properly...then not cycling for 2 years(cause of ♥♥♥♥♥♥ Ayn Rand, and your own assholic tendencies)..then you discover you can't cycle for ****.

I dont really go on any forums, so I don't know how long\ this should be. The 'crossroads' point is this...
I've had 2 of those pavlina's 'aha' moments in the last 3 months when everything changed...once when I came across this site, and expanded my life-view, and started considering the future...then once again when I was listening to bob dylan's like a rolling stone. That was the FIRST time I actually thought about what it would be like to branch out on my own, be a guitarist for a band, like my idols or sumthing.
Coz you see, in India, everyone's career path is pretty much fixed.After 15(board exams) you take college coaching for 2 years.(alongside normal school)(horrible) Then 4 years college. Then 2 years MBA. Then a good job, married in 3-5 years, kids in 2-4, and so on. Everyone, and i mean EVERYONE in my ENTIRE EXTENDED family,both mom's n dad's sides, have taken this path. I dont know ANYONE who's not a engineer,chartered acc or doctor. I'm not trying to make fun, but the point is i'm from a very academic family and ..well... musician would be something ...not even alien. It is beyond the realm of possibility. Much more difficult than in other countries.Only the top 15-20 bands of the country make a living in music(coz of the film industry's strangehold on pop)

My board exams just got over yesterday, and while six months earlier I used to salivate at the thought of playing GTA 4 for hours during this period now, i don't want that anymore. II feel the only thing I want to do is practise guitar now. After all this...expanding of vision, I'm not sure I can ever live the life I thought i'd earlier live, with the mba, job etc I really don't know whether I'm ready for a music career or not. Cause, know you, it requires ALOT of courage, confidence, and ...you know. that special thing. Sometimes i believe ive got that thing, and can never lose it, other times i'm not so sure.
I really wish I'd been more socially involved during the last 2 years, coz now, by steve's principles, im a dead duck in love. Truth was pretty low, and so was power. Those 2 are higher now, n im shifting to another city again, so I hope I can be able to start over all again and make better friends.
That seems pretty clear then? Start over again, join a band, make and grow in confidence and esteem? Problem is, my parents say I have to take a coaching exam in 2 weeks time. That'll mean 3 hours every alternate day wasted for 2 years,studying boring stuff(Indian education is truly horrible, I'll write another post on it),preparing for a future my heart isn't in...Plus, I know that if I was truly hellbent on getting into music, i'd stop paying attention to school, practise harder, really put all my attention into a band, songs, theory, gigs, whatever...because i know that all that is required to really become someone worthwhile...Because I know, deep down, I can really be a good musician...this isn't the place to explain my reasons, so just believe me for the time being...

thats the crux man-this is the point where I decide. Of course I wanna decide for the music option, but noone-not even myself-am able to truly believe that i can just walk up to everyone and say, I wanna be a guitarist!!!
Like, I know I can motivate myself and work hard once I take the plunge, burn the bridges whatever, but don't really know if it really is my basic nature, to be a performer , a entertainer. My family, friends, cousins, really would be surprised if I became someone like what I'm planning to become, because till 2 years ago I wasn't like this. I really transformed during the Rand-superiority-loner period, and have really become someone very else.
If I was a nerd, I would have let this dream go. If I was born to be wild, I wouldn't be typing this. But I'm just like, **** man!!!Oscillating like a dumbass! Two years ago I could have been ready, and could have started preparing without a doubt. But now, with no people skills, no experience, I REALLY DONT KNOW!>!

I'd really appreciate ANYBODY's comments or advice or ANYTHING, cause I've got to take the plunge , the internal decision, sometime during the next 2 weeks. I know it. I know that i will take the plunge. This is just the interim period, when I find all the correct reasons. GIVE THEM TO ME ANYONE!!! GIVE ME ANYTHING!!!!
Steve, if your reading this, I promise Ill thank you in my grammy speech if you or anyone else tells me anything........I dont know what I want, but I want it badly

[Manuel]

Hey Sid,

Very interesting post this!

It's a bit rambling, one moment I got the impression music should not be your thing, then because of what you said next I suddenly got the impression it should! :-). After reading the whole thing it sounds like you are just afraid to fail, not that you don't know what you want to do.

I have always wanted to be a musician too, and for years I worked in jobs that meant nothing to me, and I can promise you that it will make you absolutely miserable to do that! I have finally let that go and am now pursuing music fulltime and it's the best decision I have ever made.

I may biased because you are into music, but I say go for what you are truly passionate about! We are all so afraid to really live, to go for the things that matter to us for all sorts of reasons like going broke, and what our family and everyone else may think of us. That's not living, it's just passing the time until your death. Just do it! Who knows what will happen, but one thing you can be sure of: it's going to be a very interesting ride and you'll feel ALIVE!

"Life is either a daring adventure, or nothing". I think Hellen Keller said that? Doesn't matter anyway, I think that sums up how to live, more beautifully and succinctly than anything I've ever read.

Best of luck to you from a fellow musician,

Manuel

[The Rock]

Well I agree with what the above poster said. It does seem you're already afraid of failing before you've even begun. Do realize that even if you fail in your music venture, the "traditional" Indian path is always there. That's not going anywhere. I say follow your dreams, and do what you love and are passionate about.

And as far as people skills are concerned, they can be learned and mastered at almost any age. You may not be good in that area doesn't mean you can't be great within a year. The best way to advance and improve my people skills has been to travel and/or to move to another country for an extended duration.

[InterfaceLeader]

Hey Sid,

I used to play the guitar a lot... I was pretty good, and practised a lot of pieces. The first time I got on stage though, I was so nervous my hands were too slippery with sweat to hold down the strings, and I was shaking so hard I couldn't even get the strings to sound properly.

About 100 concerts and competitions later I was able to play through a 4 hour set in a busy hall without even a flicker of fear.

The point is that you need to practice not just music, but performing. Different skills! And the only way is to go out and play for people.

So go and play. I don't know much about India, I'm sorry to say, but I'm sure you could secure some kind of show - whether a college recital, or even busking in the street. I wouldn't give up school for it .... yet. You may well be an awesome guitarist, but you need to practice performing - and engaging with people. Go and play the guitar and talk to people and don't worry about making money, or getting famous. Jam with some groups! Collect a small following of fans

And then ... after you have confidence in yourself, you will find it so much easier to turn it into a career.

[MattKing]

Hi Sid.

Ac ouple of years ago i was in the same boat as you. I understand you have a bit more of a complicated situation with faimly, culture, education etc but you need to go for it. I started off going to open mic nights by myself just to get over the fear. It's still there playing in new venues or in front of bigger crowds, but that's what it's all about. Expanding out of your comfort zone.

If it's what you truly want then go for it. Best of luck Sid

[sidthekid12]

Interface leader this is exactly what I figured out-i need to practice performing. Its not as if I'm scared that I'll end up some homeless bum(would be fun actually) its just that I don't think I'll able to be a really great guitarist if i keep on doing other stuff/ You know like, many 'greats' not just guitarists, other great musicians, spend ALL their time in music and practising and stuff, leave home when 17 etc Stuff like that really can't happen in India, cause most bands are formed in college. So I have to spend 2 years of my life just so i can get into a college where I can form a band?!? What if I can't find suitable bandmates? What kind of a motivating-force to get into college is that?????
On one hand, I WANT to spend all my time in this, But I don't want any distractions. I dont want to be working for another goal(getting into a good college, taking coaching classes) that i don't truly want. But I know thats impossible, cause I have a lot to learn about music and people and other aspects of life too so I can't just sit at home n play. So I know I'll have to devote less time to guitar.
But, on the other, I keep on thinking, "man, it wont happen if it goes on like this. Im not some kind of superhuman that I'll live my dreams while only putting in 50percent effort. I have to put everything into this!!!! EVERYTHING!!! I can't afford to waste any time." I know that I'll have to go to college. But there's this thing, you know, what am I doing? I know what I want, so why am i doing this?? Is this the only way to get that?Isn't there some better way? I don't want to become some faceless sessions guitarist/ I wanna become , like, (no other way to say it) great. That won't happen easily. Only If i practise a lot can I reach that level. If not, then maybe I should goi into the programmer-cum-novelist route. So is this really the right dream for me? Am I really clear-headed about this?or,Is this just some teenage dream? I don't wanna ask these questions, cause they imply doubt. Some times, when I'm playing or thinking about the songs i could write someday(I've got it all figured out already!!!) I think I'd never be happy as a computer-guy/. But other times, when I'm reading some novel or reading a comp magazine, I feel the old urge...to learn languages, to write programs, to write short stories. Its really ****ing confusing!!!!! I want to play guitar now, but will I for the rest of my life...........I know that answer won't be found in any forum. The main thing right now is, what should my current course of action be? Should i put in a little work for college, while secretly nurturing my guitar dream?(do any great guitarists really live like that?I dont think so) Should i drop the dream?I dont think i can...Should i polyphasically sleep, so i get enough time for everything???

[InterfaceLeader]

Hey Sid,

There is another thing though - I'm sure you want to/are already writing your own music. To do that you need raw life experience, to write love songs you need to have been in love, to write songs about loss you need to have lost, and to write songs that are authentic and communicate experiences that your audience can identify with.

I think passions like music, writing, photography etc. are interesting - because it's not the thing itself that is amazing, it's the way it can generate a mood, or a memory, or a sense of place/time.

I think you need to re-frame the way you think about life - instead of seeing it as a *distraction* from your music, think of it as an *inspiration*.

I recommend you take a college course that will assist you in your career - maybe business & marketing? Absolutely give 100% towards it, but you need to develop ... this way of looking and experiencing anything that happens and thinking 'how would I say this with music?' 'how would I create this place and this feeling with only notes?'

You should definitely be putting in the hours of practice, I agree. But if you look at people like Jimi Hendrix, Bob Dylan, The Beatles etc etc. they all had experiences of life as well. They went to war, they protested conscription, they took drugs, they joined gangs.... and they fell in love, got married, started religions, travelled a lot.

So yep. It's hard! You need to carve out maybe 4-6 hours a day to spend on your music. You won't have time for TV, video games etc. You might have to sleep a bit less .... but you should still go to college and go on dates and spend time with friends. Just let 'the song' be there all the time.

[sidthekid12]

that is pretty right.......thanks, that is like, good advice. Really, i just realized i've really gotten pretty - weird thought patterns. this entire post and this crisis i've created is ****ed up
................
really appreciate what you just said and anything else you or anybody may want to say

[Mystic Pegasus]

Are there any music courses available in colleges over there? Maybe you could study in that field rather than something else??