20 and stuck

[malheureux]

I don't know what to do anymore. I've been listening to audio tapes, reading books and attending a few seminars for the past few years and it will help for a while, at most a month before I start the downward spiral again. I used to be an excellent student, always helming projects, popular with teachers and other students and lead a very busy meaningful life with extra-curricular activities and volunteering.

Things started going bad when I entered a prestigious secondary school, slowly I got more complacent and tardy with attendance and work. I managed to be a student of the top institution in my country all the way to junior college level because of luck as they had scrapped entrance levels in my year. It seemed like good luck to me then and I strove to fully utilise the opportunity unfortunately I ended up a huge failure instead.

Junior college ended 2 years ago and I've attempted the entrance exams to university for 3 times now. It's not that I'm stupid, the subjects are ridiculously easy for me and I do enjoy learning. The problem lies in me. Upon entering the examination venue, I start panicking and then flee the place. With the exception of my first attempt where I'd chosen to just stay in my seat and not write anything, I've only ever done the papers of the first 2 days before leaving or not even turning up for the other days even for the subjects that I adore like Literature.

I feel like I am morphing into my maternal uncle, the black sheep of the family. He leeches off everyone, fails at life and also started out as a good student early in life before turning into what he is now. I'm stuck, turning 21 next year and not being able to hold down a job for long. I do well in the jobs I've been employed in and have no problems with my co-workers but after a brief honeymoon of a couple of months, I get the intense need to leave the place at once and never come back. There has never been a true reason, I just felt like I had to quit even when things were going smoothly.

That's basically my nickname for now, 'quitter' because I've quit everything I started. If I don't consciously do so, something will happen that will push me to quit. I write this now because another event just took place, my computer which holds many of my plans, notes on personal development, a huge file full of audio tapes I've amassed through the years and also files containing articles and stories I've written, just crashed and in a fit of anger I had reformatted the hard disk. Happened on Christmas just a few days after I embarked on a strict schedule to improve myself.

I don't know what to do anymore, I don't want to be like my uncle.

[malheureux]

I came off sounding extremely negative in my post so let me just add what I'm going to do now:

Continue with the strict schedule as it is necessary to build self-discipline again but with some editing as some things can't be accomplished anymore because of the lack of computer (I'm using my mum's right now). It will be difficult to stave off the need to quit but I will soldier on nonetheless.

Count my blessings, I may be a failure but hey at least I'm alive with a roof over my head and people willing to support me through this. I can't continue to leech off my mum forever so I'm writing again, stuff I can sell to the newspaper and a magazine. The original drafts and outlines are all gone but this is a good incentive to write the actual articles proper since those drafts and outlines were untouched for many months.

I'm really afraid that I will fall by the wayside again, what can I do to break the cycle? The strict schedule thing doesn't feel enough. I'm afraid that I will continue to fail over and over again.

[ArthurHung]

Personally, my entire path is of deep acceptance. Of my own thoughts, my own feelings, what's external of me, such as black sheep uncles, of what's internal in me, whenever a "negative" thought comes up... accept everything and all of this in deep gratefulness.

One thing that is really strange, but is one my most deepest discoveries, is that whatsoever I take as my enemies, greed, anger, hate, sex, whatsoever, that my attitude that they are enemies makes them my enemies.

Rather, take them as divine gifts and approach them with a very grateful heart.

[gronzey]

Life has a strange way of teaching us understanding. Maybe the path isn't to run from the notion that you are like your uncle but to discover what it is about him that you see in yourself. All of our relationships are often direct reflections of how we see ourselves.

[The Cloud]

If you're afraid of being a leech, then you'll act like you're a leech. Even if you aren't, you will convince people that you are, or at least that they should think that you are. Your intentions become tainted because you seriously consider yourself as a potential parasite.

Of course, you can't switch off and suddenly stop thinking of yourself as a bloodsucking worm. However, you can stop taking yourself and your thoughts so seriously. Are you truly intending to be a leech? Do you want to be a leech? No? Then all your thoughts on the subject are tripe. All the questions in your head are just mental exercises to keep you busy, and have absolutely no validity in determining whether or not you are a useful individual.

You don't have to stop thinking these thoughts or asking these questions, but they are not going to help you arrive at answers. They are just going to repeat ad infinitum until you stop seriously considering them as a source of any useful realizations. Any evidence you see is meaningless, because it is being interpreted through the lens of your dysfunctional thoughts. You don't have to stop seeing the evidence, and you don't have to stop thinking about it, you just have to stop believing in its power to save you from yourself. It won't. It never has, and it never could.

[billionairekid]

I would have to agree that you must start with acceptance of where you are before you're ever going to be able to move forward. I felt very similar to how you feel about 6 months ago. I felt like I was making no progress and that nothing I would do moved me anywhere. I started learning to accept my situation and to deal with my thoughts about it by reading and applying the technique in the book "loving what is." After that, I started writing down goals. I do daily evaluations for now just to make sure I'm on the right path and I also do weekly and monthly evaluations to see where I'm at with my progress.

That alone opened my eyes to everything I was and am doing. I could read a book or go through a program, learn a bunch of stuff I could use to improve my life, and then I would still feel like I'd done nothing productive. And that's crazy. Learning is a very productive activity. On the other hand, I didn't have the discipline to apply the techniques in my life and that caused a lot of hardship for me. Luckily I've found this site and Steve's blog. He has a great series on self discipline which has given me the edge I need to move forward once again.

Start with acceptance and then move on from there. Study self discipline and apply that in your life before trying to attain larger goals. You have to work your way up in the world. It's like you're climbing a latter. You have to go one rung higher at a time.

[TonyToneTone]

You need to come up with a very STRONG idea of what you want from life. One that is clear, sets you on fire, that you review often, and work towards.

Maybe this will help?
Finding Your Life Purpose in About 15 Minutes | Tony Tells All

[CroMagna]

You're only 20 so you have your whole life ahead of you. Some people are 45 and stuck.

Also I read a book called City Dharma with a caption in one of the chapters that said:

You're Never Stuck.

You could go abroad and see the world if you want to. Look into some programs. Maybe it will give you a better perspective.

[Nameless One]

When everything seems to be going wrong I like to meditate on my death