Choosing the darkwork

[celestialife]

Almost there! Unfortunately wasn't able to get completely out before midnight tonight - work and procrastination put a damper on those plans. But, the good news is that tonight is the last night. I intend to make the most of it, need to finish packing up the car, last load, then clean the apartment. I don't think it should take me any more than an hour and a half to get this place looking and smelling fresh, then I can get some sleep and take off in the morning.

On the other side, my two rooms at my Dad's place are a complete sh*thole, and I'll spend the bulk of tomorrow before work cleaning and putting everything in its right place.

This move has been a bit surreal. Maybe because I left my Dad's the last time under less-than-favorable conditions, and here I come kinda crawling back. Nah, I'm just getting cold-feet. ::applying foot-warmers:: I've put a lot of significance on this move and the ball is definitely in my court - I can feel that doubt creeping in, but its in my cross-sights and I'm pulling the trigger. Click-splash. Doubt-matter splattered across the room.

Well...enough sitting more moving. More later

[joyfulgrowth]

Originally Posted by celestialife

Arriving at this decision wasn't a very hard process for me to make, albeit a little surprising. My whole life I've lived according to values that are really very congruent with being a lightworker. I joined the Army with a strong sense of duty to serve my country and honor those who came before me, and to be a part of something greater where I could help make the world a better place. Even there, though, I felt as if I wasn't complete. When I was in positions of authority and had to maintain a command presence, I still felt, in a sense, subservient to my subordinates. I felt as if I had to win their approval to the point where it interfered with the job I was doing. I don't know if that stemmed from an innate sense to provide the best for those under my command, or whether it was a function of my own lifelong insecurity. Maybe it was a mixture of both. Fortunately, I was only a West Point cadet and wasn't required to make important decisions while the lives of those under me were at risk. The point is, even in a situation where a strong and authoritative presence was required, I was still unable to do so, and that has been the story of my entire life. I've always felt torn between doing what's best or right for me and doing what's best or right for others, mostly always choosing the latter even to my own detriment. Growing up I always felt like I was different and stood out from the crowd, and, probably because I felt that way, I had few friends and was socially awkward, always worried about how others thought of me and always trying to please. I'm done with that. Choosing the darkworker path is congruent with the changes I want to make and the experiences I want to have.

Very confused. So you basically polarize as a strategy to stop pleasing people, especially in situations where you want to be fully present to your task?

Sometimes I also get pretty stuck in various types of lightworker's syndrom and need to really focus on myself for a while for balance, but I would never get the idea to polarize with being a darkworker.

I also don't get what cleaning up a filthy flat, working out and stopping smoking has to do with darkworking. Doesn't on the contrary being an effective lightworker include taking care of yourself enough so that you can make a difference?

I am concerned at the idea of lightworking being about "not being able to handle people-pleasing", "thinking so much of others that I can't have authority/presence" or "not being able to 100% take care of myself".

I'd say: TRUE polarization with being a lightworker would include working on all of the above!

[Cado]

Originally Posted by joyfulgrowth

I'd say: TRUE polarization with being a lightworker would include working on all of the above!

Of course it would, but so does darkworking. In the beginning the question is not what you want to do, it is how you want to do it and what you want to achieve by doing so. If you mean to establish greater inflow and increase your power, darkworking is an ideal solution.

[celestialife]

Originally Posted by joyfulgrowth

Very confused. So you basically polarize as a strategy to stop pleasing people, especially in situations where you want to be fully present to your task?

I polarize as a strategy to start pleasing myself. Whether that task involves other people's feelings is insignifcant, and part of this process is to be fully present in every situation anyway. Being a Darkworker or Lightworker is a lifestyle. I can see where you might get that, however.

Originally Posted by joyfulgrowth

Sometimes I also get pretty stuck in various types of lightworker's syndrom and need to really focus on myself for a while for balance, but I would never get the idea to polarize with being a darkworker.

Why not? We're not that bad...

Originally Posted by joyfulgrowth

I also don't get what cleaning up a filthy flat, working out and stopping smoking has to do with darkworking. Doesn't on the contrary being an effective lightworker include taking care of yourself enough so that you can make a difference?

Those were just immediate and noticeable steps I could take to get that initial step in the right direction. Sure, anyone who is healthy and has good hygiene would maintain at least the semblance of a clean apartment. For me, like I mentioned, I was living in filth. Literally. I have pictures. More than anything else it was a test to see if I could get off my ass and do something when I say I'll do it. And I did. And here I am.

Who says you have to be a lightworker to make a difference?

Originally Posted by joyfulgrowth

I am concerned at the idea of lightworking being about "not being able to handle people-pleasing", "thinking so much of others that I can't have authority/presence" or "not being able to 100% take care of myself".

Cado said it best. Polarizing is about looking at the person you are or want to be, and then choosing the best path that reflects those attributes. Power, seduction, and command. Self-mastery. Being unconsciously competent in everything that I do. That's why Darkworking is my choice.

[celestialife]

First night back at my Dad's. I'm pretty beat, so it'll be nice to get to bed at a normal hour. Still have one last trip to make tomorrow. Ugh. I really don't have a lot of stuff, seriously. My mountain bike and my grill are all that's left. And I need to finish the fish tank. That one really got away from me. Its a good thing there weren't any fish in there...

So...work tomorrow afternoon then back to the apartment at 5 to finish it up, then we're done.

[joyfulgrowth]

hi celestialife,

your posts inspired me to clean up my flat!

wow, feels so good to have more space around me.

thanks!!

joyfulgrowth

[celestialife]

hey right on joyful, I wish I could say the same! i'm still working on putting the finishing touches on my new space at home.

it does feel good though. gives you that nice fuzzy-warm-accomplishment feeling in your stomach. i'm sitting at the old apartment now, reveling in the clean and freshness. I just finished what I needed to do with the fish tank, so i'm almost out of here then its off to work cleaning again. organizing. all that good stuff...

[celestialife]

Well here I am in the comfort of my new old room, I'd say 70% completed toward finding a new home for all of my belongings. Its messy, but comfortable, and I know that this will be the right environment for me to continue on my path.

I've stagnated a bit in my original goals. Going through the posts on this thread, I realized there isn't a whole lot of Darkworker (DW) "substance" coming from me, with the exception of a few of my original posts and some others scattered throughout the thread. What I've realized is that I haven't really dedicated the time to work on my progress, mostly because I had the stress of living on my own without the level of maturity or the financial responsibility required to be successful. Thankfully, living at home with my father will pretty much taken care of my base physiological needs (needs that weren't met when I was living alone) and I'll now have the energy and time to truly work on my descent toward self-actualization. Obviously, as follows, some immediate action must be taken to solidify that commitment.

In an earlier post, Asmoday advocated that I need to find and destroy any self-hatred, dislike, and doubt that has been festering inside of me. After all, being a Darkworker is about loving myself. This will be a challenging yet enjoyable process, and there a few exercises I will implement into my daily life to assist with that transformation. In addition to Rooting every day (until I awaken my Root Chakra, at which point I will move on to my Sacral Chakra), I will do the Foci Exercise for Emotional Control and the Mirror Exercise at least once a day for thirty days, and track my progress (or rather, the feelings associated with exercises) here. The goal is to make those a daily part of my life, and they are small enough that it shouldn't be hard to integrate all three at once. I've already mentioned the benefits I've seen from Rooting alone, so I'm looking forward to my progress after 30 days.

Additionally, I have begun compiling a list of all the significant events of my life - those that I think have defined me as a person or made me unique in my own eyes. I think part of my problem is that I have over-identified with some aspect of my identity, so the process here is to pin-point those major events, depersonalize them (ie, show myself why each one, individually, does not make me unique), and then put them back together in a way that shows how, as a collective, the experiences define me.

That's all for now. Until tomorrow.

[Asmoday]

I would also strongly recommend the isolation exercises and the self-collage.

These two are GREAT at amplifying the introspection and discovery you're trying to accomplish.

[Cado]

I'm thinking I should utilize the isolation exercise within the next day or so myself. I'm actually ahead of schedule on some of the things I'm working on so a bit of down time and introspection would do me some good.

[celestialife]

Tonight an old girlfriend of mine asked me to rate her according to the Tucker Max Female Rating System. Initially, I told her no, yet she persisted, and now she thinks I am cruel, very cruel. I gave her a 3/5 and a description of why I rated her that way. I had to be honest, but maybe I was just a little too honest. She made the mistake of thinking that she could be harsher on herself than anyone else could. If she had asked me before I started my descent, I would have lied and told her she was a 4 just to appease her and give myself some brownie points (and hopefully some as5 as well). But, that's not the case anymore. And you know what? I don't really care. Hell, she asked for it. Was it a mistake to be honest like that with her? I no longer have any physical attraction to her, so I think it was justified from a 'friend' perspective. I do truly care for her, and if I were to 'rate' a woman, her physical aspects would garner only about half (ok, 60% - we're being honest here, 70%? definitely not 100% ) of my attention, while intellect and other 'mental' aspects would take up the rest. In her case, all of those combined would shoot her up to about an 8 on a 10-point scale.

Today was a productive day. I finished getting all of my belongings stowed away and my room organized, and I'm happy with the results. I'm in the middle of working on my Tabula Rasa (read about it here). The effects of creating it, I can already tell, will have profound impacts on my self. I spoke the other day about over-identifying with some aspect(s) of my personality that have been holding me back, and this process has started to crack the glass ceiling under which I have been confined for so long.

Today would have been day 2 of Rooting and doing the Foci and Mirror exercises, and I can check off all three for both days. Rooting is causing some negative personal emotions and feelings about myself to come to the surface. I understand this as only being a positive thing and a step in the proper direction, where its all being brought into my conscious attention so that I can identify and, if needed, break them down and destroy them. Also, with the Mirror exercise, when I gaze into my own eyes and say 'I love you' I've been getting this flush that resonates throughout my entire body. With the Foci exercise, I'm finding it difficult to really focus on certain dualities, but in due time I will get better at it and will be able to master my emotions - great ammunition for my 'mental command' theory.

Overall, I feel great, but am finding myself a little more volatile or "on edge" than normal, probably because these exercises highlight my insecurities and are forcing me to take action. I have what seems like an insurmountable amount of pent-up emotions and feelings I've had tucked away for so long, and they are all starting to come to light. This is a good thing, and I recognize that, albeit is somewhat frustrating.

Well, that's all for now...

[RagsToRiches]

Originally Posted by celestialife

If she had asked me before I started my descent, I would have lied and told her she was a 4 just to appease her and give myself some brownie points (and hopefully some as5 as well).

Surely if you're motivated by self-gain then if you believe it's a gain to keep her on board then you would have lied.

See I've been thinking on this polarity thing recently and I think people in general and particularly self-proclaimed "lightworkers" have got "darkworkers" all wrong.

Being a darkworker should not mean going around grumpy, pushing people around, and grabbing everything...

Why?

Because that is not the most beneficial way to be for yourself.

It's more beneficial to be cheery, move people easily out the way, and convince people to give you stuff.

More beneficial for you.

But still darkworker motivation.

[Cado]

Originally Posted by RagsToRiches

snip

This man. He gets it.

[RagsToRiches]

I only learnt about polarity recently and I'm not convinced by it's necessity, however I'm about to begin a little trial myself.

I've got a few things to say so I'll start my own thread rather than thread-jacking - some of which may be difficult but I believe in maintaining a certain kind of integrity with respect to this kind of stuff. I believe that honesty can be very liberating, and very powerful.