What do we owe to family members?

[ShIxtan]

Hi guys!

I was wondering what people's feelings about family are on this board. Does the fact that a person is my mother, or brother, or uncle, make them more deserving of my respect or love?

It seems like most people would say yes, but i tend to disagree. For example, my mother was abusive and distant my whole life... I can't remember ever feeling any kind of attachment for her. When I recently tried to start saying "I love you" to her and hugging her, it just felt like a lie. Is this wrong of me? Why bother keeping a person I have no positive feelings for in my life?

It seems to me that a family member should be evaluated in just the same way as anybody else when I am deciding if they should be in my life. My Grandfather is a violent racist, who shoots down my dreams and goals for the future. Should the fact that he is my Grandfather overshadow this?

On the other hand, my brother and sister are great people, and I enjoy their company. it seems like honoring the negative relationships with other family members simply because they were "family" would dilute the meaning of the love I feel for my siblings.

Thank you far reading. And I'm really curious what you think about this subject.

[aggie]

well, you know the old saying....you can choose your friends but you can't choose your family.

then if people really get into the spiritual realm of it...i have heard that we pick our parents...which could be a whole other interesting thread.

but back to your question. i guess it all gets down to forgiveness and tolerance of certain family members. i have had to do it with my own, but fortunately those members are not immediate family and i have not had a lot of contact with or they live far away.

you can have respect, keep your distance, but also keep anyone if they truly are toxic to you, out of your life (or at least at arm's length).

[SomeRandomGuy]

I have never been able to find a clear way of putting my feeling on this topic into words, but I will try. I apologize if it the point I'm trying to make is confusing.

I think of my relationships with other people like a scale. A new acquaintance starts out neutral (as a 0, you could say). If I get along well with that person, they behave in a way to gain my respect, etc, they move up into positive territory. If they behave in a way I view as being negative, they move into negative territory.

Family members start out positive in my scale, simply because they are family. Aunts, uncles, and cousins may start out as a 1, for example. Grandparents may be a 2, and parents a 3 (those are just sample numbers, not how I necessarily feel). If they never behave in either a positive or negative way, they remain in place on the scale, so I am happy keeping them in my life. If a cousin who was a 1 begins treating me poorly, they will move down to 0. If they continue treating me poorly they move into negative territory.

Once someone is in negative territory on my relationship scale, I have nothing more to do with them. If they are a -1 I may not actively try to avoid them, just do not initiate contact or feel the need to go out of my way to treat them well. The farther someone goes into negative territory, the more likely I am to actively avoid them.

It is possible for someone to move from negative territory to positive territory on my scale, at which time I welcome them back into my life.

Based on my approach, I see now reason why you should make any effort to keep these people in your life. It sounds like they have done nothing to deserve your respect, and the burden is on them if they would like to be a part of your life.

Many people disagree with my approach, but it has always served me well.

[spirit4711]

Originally Posted by SomeRandomGuy

...
Many people disagree with my approach, but it has always served me well.

I see I'm not the only one using this approach then. Works for me too.

[Dreamline]

You have no inherent obligation to respect anyone. Even family members.

But the way I see it, when you reincarnate, you choose your family ahead of time. For a purpose. To either teach them something, for them to teach you something or for all of you to teach others something.

I've read that you should be the balance between your mother's dyfunctions and your father's dysfunctions. Strangely, even before I heard this theory, I always felt I was the balance in my situation. I'm here to teach my mom to lighten up and my dad to be more responsible without pissing him off.

Jennifer

[Dimond]

Relatives aren't any better than any other person, unless they've proven to be first. You can choose your own family at any time and you can choose to have nothing to do with your relatives as well. I get really annoyed that people will put up with negativity from people just because they're related. That's no excuse and you owe no one. As Erin has mentioned, mistakes can be made and you can be born into the wrong family.

On the other hand, if someone has a good family, they should truly honor and respect the relationships, instead of taking them for granted which many seem to do.

[Plays With Life]

My personal experience: I ended my relationship with all of my blood family some time ago. I struggled with the drive to do it for many years, then finally just did it. I felt much better afterwards. I never had any desire to exist as "a part of" the family, or any family for that matter. If I met those people on the street I would not have chosen to maintain a relationship with them. I don't have a problem ending a relationship if I don't want a person in my life; but that family-construct concept motivated me to keep people in my life who I didn't want in my life. Dropping that whole family-obligation concept freed me up to improve my life.

My perspective: I question the usefulness of the family concept generally. It includes "ownership", or at least "directive capacity" over children by one or two specific adults, which seems odd to me. It includes "family obligation", which a) motivates people to do things they don't want to do and to remain in situations that cause them distress; and b) promotes an elitist view of yourself and "your kin" over and above every other person on the planet in your mind. ie, you consider your family "more important" than other people. "Family is the most important thing in the world". I reckon this supports some undesirable situations in the world. (I have the same discomfort with the "nationality" concept, btw).

[aggie]

gosh, plays with life, i'm sure you must have had good reasons...but the concept of family, in a healthy sense can be comforting and loving...it doesn't always mean you inflict yourself on someone or they on you.

but i guess not everyone is fortunate to have that.

[Plays With Life]

Right. I mean the family concept limits the support and love to a small circle of people. Making These People kin makes Those People not-kin.

[aggie]

kinda like the mafia....i can say this, i am italian...

seriously, i understand what you mean now...

true freedom in a family allows you to grow, reject certain concepts and embrace the outside.

[Plays With Life]

Originally Posted by aggie

kinda like the mafia....i can say this, i am italian...

Haha! Totally right. I hadn't made that connection.

[Talkofthatown919]

i agree my mother hasn't been in my life at all except for about 2-5 years and that's when i was born and about a few months since then. I have no clue where she is. But i forgive her for what she did. I believe that people leave our life to make room for someone else.

[ShIxtan]

Thanks everybody, I appreciate your replies!

I like the sort of "emotional bank" approach, although I think it is something that usually has to be felt rather than measured in a kind of conscious way.

I'm curious, for those of you who think we chose our parents... Do you have any kind of evidence for this claim? I assume none of you actually remember making that choice?