Starting my life all over again... with a new vision

[nin64]

03/07/09 (Dear diary/journal)

I'm 20 and currently my life is in a total mess. My 19 year old self managed to turn my $20000 to $400 (Don't ask what I bought). I was apathetic that time, feel like the world is meaningless. All the goals I've set which was pretty ambitious when I'm 18 look like craps when I'm 19. So here I am, 20 years old, with $400 in my wallet, after bought some necessities now it's down to $350(D'oh!)
Oh well, at least I'm away from my cave men minded parents.
And to make stuff worse, I seriously don't know what I love to do. I might draw, it's close but not good enough.

Right now, I'm continuing to study in the college, pursuing a course which I hate. Well, I don't hate it per se, it's just that I don't want to get a job. That's all.
Actually, I already discovered this truth when I was 17. I set goals to own a business and it look good and it motivate me for around 2 whole year, then, it came crashing down.
Pursuing money seem meaningless right now. Even if I suddenly have billions in my bank account, I don't think I'll be much happier.

The main reason for me stay in this college though is because I have access to the library. They have books that cover a lot of interests. I think I'll become a bookworm for the next 6 months, exploring different career choices.

I'm typing this on a park bench, guess I'm sleeping here tonight. I don't mind actually but mosquitoes really are annoying. I'll be at the college tomorrow.

Last 2 months I spend time soul searching. Discovering my purpose and experimenting with LoA (which bring surprising result). Trying to understand reality. You know, spiritual stuffs. And practicing Lucid Dreaming, which I must admit, doesn't help much with my current reality.
Polyphasic sleeping, which bring more misery because of the extra time I had to spend with my current reality.
My discipline is back to zero again. Well, I don't think it'll be hard to gain it again the second time. For now I'll only plan stuffs for the next day, no more.
I'm gonna experiment with various stuffs, from gardening to programming. I'll try to get 'A' for my subjects. I think it's for the better, I just feel that I need to get As.
My diet will involve lot of fasting. Ramen noodle seem more and more delicious because of their price.
Deleted all my porns. FYI, I watch porn that many people consider outrageous or simply sick. They include... bestiality, child pornography, SM... man, can't believe I said it on the net, being read by people.
I might need to sell some of my stuffs. Hopefully I don't need to sell my laptop.
Internet connection will be cut. Well, I have a bad case for internet addiction anyway.

GOD DAMN IT. MY LIFE IS A F-ING MESS!!! ARGGHH!!

Ahh... that felt really good.

No matter, with no where to go but up, I'll bring good to the world. Yes, just like the witchdoctor said 19 years ago...

ChiyoCoLa

[themaster]

Congrats to you.. don't beat yourself up about anything you do.. you are perfect as far as I'm concerned and here's another sm weirdo for yah..

Might I suggest if you have no place to live.. and don't enjoy the street.. try couchsurfing.com.. you don't need money to be happy.. I hope you find what will make you happy (just keep searching) and there is nothing wrong with living moment to moment

[Aleksander Krstic]

Originally Posted by nin64

GOD DAMN IT. MY LIFE IS A F-ING MESS!!! ARGGHH!!

I don't think so. I think many people on this forum would love to have the same courage for living the way you live. Perhaps they wouldn't want to be in the same situation per se as you are, but they'd still love to have the same ammount of courage(including me).

Also, I think your life will definitely go nowhere but up, as you said.

EDIT: I actually am in a similar situation. Not knowing if I'll finish my school and therefore having to wait for another year. Perhaps not as harsh as yours, but I'm still commited to not worrying about it too much.

Oh and best luck with your challenge!

EDIT 2:

Oh, so you're already on a path to develop your life. Oh well, hope I helped anyways. >D

[KazeCraven]

Hey, I happened to stumble upon someone's Internet diary! How interesting.

You sound like a very independent person out to find his calling. Perhaps pursuing discussions about topics of interest would suit your fancy? Or maybe getting proficiency with some artistic ability that you can share with the world? Suffice it to say, your life seems to only be able to get better.

[Kaybee]

Good for you....starting over. Do you know that most people start over after some defining negative experience? That's what happened with me. Also, I'm sure you read Steve's story? The point is you are not alone. Better yet, you've learned a very good lesson at a young age. You seem determined and enlightened. Keep going, planning, digging yourself out....you'll make it.

Kim
Self Improvement and Motivation
Fuel-My-Motivation.com

[nin64]

Hey, I happened to stumble upon someone's Internet diary! How interesting.

Because I have a really bad habit of throwing away my diary, journal, and sketchbooks away after finishing the book. I thought maybe putting it here might save some important memory I have and when I'm 25 and look at this, and man, I really can't wait. I bet I'll feel like an idiot.

Anyway, (17/7/2009), that's right, I'm not an American. I used "$" sign just to simplify things.

I'm now living in a dorm. Campus. Pretty nice, though it's like 2 km walk to campus everyday! I got blisters for the first week. I'm looking forward to run a marathon in 2010 . They provide a free wifi connection down here but each student can only use it for 20 hours each month, oh well.
Nice room, great table. But they provide only a 170cm bed for a guy who is 180cm tall...

Last week, I made a stupid mistake again. I set goals, 6 month then 30 days, then daily. It help for around one week then I got "down" again. Yeah, I focus on career success, financial (again), ladies, improving my skills, y'know those that are rooted in physicality.

Lately though, I only focus on my spiritual, purpose side of my life. trying to find thoughts that will bring goodness to my life.
Then thing happen. I got $4000 from a source that I thought I don't deserve anymore (about 2 days ago). Wow. I never felt how awesome financial freedom is until I about to lose it. It might be nothing compared to $20k, but hey, the universe is supporting me and that is awesome . Goodbye, ramen noodles and hello apples, oranges, melons etc. I'm planning to try raw food diet, but I don't think I'm ready yet.

I think I want to try and set goals again. The way I see reality now, I can safely say that I am indeed is here to learn stuffs that this body can give to me. Maybe this is one of them. Ultimately, the "why" is the most important thing a human must answer.
I'm also intending a character to appear and help me, encourage me. It might take some practice since I'm still new at this intention stuffs.

It's durian season here and boy they sure looks delicious, I wonder why white people hate the smell. I think it have great delicious smell.

My plan now is to express myself maybe in the form of comics. I never done this before but what the heck, it looks kind of fun. Also, I'll be in some sort of internet seminar on 1/8/9. I want to make a website but I still kind of lack the education.

Things are looking better.. Besides I get to watch monkeys swinging from trees to trees from my room on the sixth floor.

Things haven't changed much, but when I visualize my 25 year old self... it looks as if he is a different guy. But then again, if my 15 year old self look at me now, I don't think he'll believe I'm him.

oh. Can't edit my old old post. Well, maybe I'll leave this thread, make a new username and leave this thread.