Good Advice For Advice Givers And Takers

[TaylorLord]

Hey everyone, happy thursday! This is one of my latest posts on my personal development blog GodGivenGrowth.com! I figured since this is a forum and people do give advice here it would be appropriate to post up! So here it is, I hope you enjoy and thank you for reading!

Stop Getting Advice From People That Aren’t Living It

Why would you ask a twice over divorced lady for love advice? Does her experience really qualify her to give good advice? Probably not unless the advice is how to have things go wrong and end up in a divorce.

I see it everyday, we tend to get advice from all the wrong people and places. Would you honestly ask a car salesmen that has a horrible record in sales how to sell cars? Why! It makes no logical sense because if he knew how to sell a lemon to anybody why would he still be so horrible at it?

Good advice comes with good experience

Good advice comes with successful experience. I have a rule that I live by and it goes like this, don’t give people advice if your not a semi expert at the subject. I know people that think they are experts at everything. Those are the type of people that thing they know it all. They butt in all your conversations and want to give you their 2 cents about everything. Trust me I don’t have that much room in my pockets for all that worthless change.

Giving advice without having the experiential backing is harmful to the advice taker. It hurts them because it gives them a warped perception on what they are asking about. Once the person realizes that what you told them didn’t work they will automatically take you off their list of advisers. You are no longer a reputable and credible source of truthful information.

Advice is a friendly suggestion

Advice is advice. Advice is not intended to be an forced, its a friendly suggestion on what you the person could do. So to the advice givers, don’t put your pride on the line if the person ends up not doing what you tell them, its nothing personal.

Its a compliment

If a friend comes to you looking for advice that is a compliment to you. Its a compliment because that person seems to trust you enough to ask them a personal question and expect you to be the best person to ask.

Give constructive advice

Give constructive advice. Don’t be afraid to tell the truth. Don’t just tell the person what they want to hear. This is a fast way for an advice taker to loose respect for you. A real friend will tell you the honest truth about what they think you should do and wouldn’t you expect the same back?

If you don’t have anything to say refer them to someone that may

Say one of your good friends asks you what you think he should do in his marriage situation and your not an expert nor are you married. Instead of being like “I have no idea sorry!” You can refer him to someone that may know an answer. This is a good way to keep loyalty to your friend and its likely even though you didn’t provide a complete solution, he will still come back to you in the future.

Hear them out

Some alternative things to giving advice is just be there for them, listen to them. Don’t try to make their problem about you by talking about yourself and interrupting them. If they need advice about getting a new job support them positively and build them up with confidence as well as letting them know your here for them.

Educate and encourage

Okay so say you are an expert at fishing and one of your friends asks you how you catch so many fish. The first thing you need to do is educate them. Don’t just say in a cocky tone “I’m the bomb that’s why I catch so many fish!” even if you think your “the bomb diggity” please refrain from being cocky. This is a turn off to the advice taker and this will be a quick way to loosing a friend. You must stay humble! Don’t educate them with discouragement, educate them the same way you would want someone to teach yourself.

Don’t be vague

While giving advice don’t be vague. Vague advice is like getting a card in the mail only to find out its filled with nothing inside. Theres no meat or for vegetarians there’s no tofu. Its like an Oreo without the cream filling! Get down with the specifics, state exactly what you think they should do where, when, why and how.

Advice no no’s

Something else to consider is personal advice in the work place. Be cautions, do not ask someone for advice when you know they will tell everyone and their mom about you and what your going through. This isn’t the most appropriate place. Try and keep the advice with someone you trust and speak in a quiet private place.

Dont give advice you wouldn’t follow

Another thing that is horrible to do is giving people bad advice purposely because you want them to mess something up! I believe in a thing called karma and when you go around playing with things like this, its bound to come right back to you!

So go out today have a conscious, give your best advice and believe in it!


For more creative approaches to personal development go to GodGivenGrowth.com

[Desmond]

Good post!

[TaylorLord]

Hey Desmond! I'm glad you liked it, Thanks for the kind words!

[ssandra]

Hi,

Overall great post, and I agree with most, except with this part;

Originally Posted by TaylorLord

Stop Getting Advice From People That Aren’t Living It

Why would you ask a twice over divorced lady for love advice? Does her experience really qualify her to give good advice? Probably not unless the advice is how to have things go wrong and end up in a divorce.

I see it everyday, we tend to get advice from all the wrong people and places. Would you honestly ask a car salesmen that has a horrible record in sales how to sell cars? Why! It makes no logical sense because if he knew how to sell a lemon to anybody why would he still be so horrible at it?

I think that we learn most by our mistakes. So, to keep with your example; if you are having trouble in your marriage, why would you ask advice to somebody who is successfully married?

The person who is divorced probably knows what mistakes were made and how to avoid them in the future.

Is the saying not; those who can´t do, teach?

I am not a very good sales person, but I am a very good sales coach. I know the theory, I know how it should be, and I can see where I and others go wrong. I don´t improve because I don´t have it in me to be a great sales person, but that doesn´t mean that I cannot give advice to other people about it.

The bad thing about people who are great (sales people) is that they usually don´t know how they do it, or that their strategy doesn´t work for everybody. While the person who is not good or great at something can look at certain things with more detatchment.

But, like I said, other than that, great post!

[Remiel]

Originally Posted by ssandra

Hi,

Overall great post, and I agree with most, except with this part;



I think that we learn most by our mistakes. So, to keep with your example; if you are having trouble in your marriage, why would you ask advice to somebody who is successfully married?

The person who is divorced probably knows what mistakes were made and how to avoid them in the future.

Is the saying not; those who can´t do, teach?

I am not a very good sales person, but I am a very good sales coach. I know the theory, I know how it should be, and I can see where I and others go wrong. I don´t improve because I don´t have it in me to be a great sales person, but that doesn´t mean that I cannot give advice to other people about it.

The bad thing about people who are great (sales people) is that they usually don´t know how they do it, or that their strategy doesn´t work for everybody. While the person who is not good or great at something can look at certain things with more detatchment.

But, like I said, other than that, great post!

I might agree except... There is a good likely hood that after 2 divorces that the person has a flaw in them that they don't recognize. It is possible so take a look at them. But I'd say only ask when they have what you want. Don't ask a twice divorced husband about fidelity when he's only been married a year. If he's been married for 10-20 then he might have figured it out.

Same thing goes for businessmen. Failure doesn't mean much. But it doesn't mean that his 3rd business is going to succeed, does it?

Success though always is determined by the person having what it takes. And by success I'm talking long term. Not short term.

[ssandra]

I understand what you mean.. but it might not be true at the same time.

Maybe it took him 2 divorces to figure out where he went wrong? Maybe he knows where he goes wrong but doesn´t have the strenght to change it.

Maybe he has a flaw that he doesn´t see, but also plenty of good advice to give. It doesn´t mean that his flaw interferes with you problem.

I think advice from an outside point of view is always valuable, because they may see something you don´t. The least they can do is make you see your problem from the outside or from a different view point.

[TaylorLord]

Thanks for the great response Ssandra and Remiel I love another opinion! You both have good insight on this subject but lets keep in mind that we want to give advice and get advice from an experience background. Positive experience that is!

I understand what you mean.. but it might not be true at the same time.

Maybe it took him 2 divorces to figure out where he went wrong? Maybe he knows where he goes wrong but doesn´t have the strenght to change it.

Maybe he has a flaw that he doesn´t see, but also plenty of good advice to give. It doesn´t mean that his flaw interferes with you problem.

I think advice from an outside point of view is always valuable, because they may see something you don´t. The least they can do is make you see your problem from the outside or from a different view point.

Ssandra perhaps it did take him two marriages to figure things out but that’s beside the point. The point is, its silly to give advice that you yourself wouldn't or didn't follow. Its a false advertisement, its a slap in the face and contradictory.

I think people get some sort of satisfaction in telling people what they their self should have done. I think it makes them feel as if they are successful

I see a lot of people that say a lot of positive things but really have nothing going for them. It’s because they don’t believe the stuff they are shoveling out to the world. The man may in fact have some marriage advice on what not to do, but i certainly wouldn't go to him for advice. I would go to someone that has been married for years and years. They are going to have most of the valuable information I want.

Same goes for someone that wants to start their own business. Who would you ask for advice? Someone that is successfull in business? I would. You not only want someone that knows what they are saying, you also want someone who has succeeded throughout the years and is a veteran. If you asked someone how they started their 6 month business, the information is going to be too buggy. Yeah they might tell you how they did it but you don’t know if you’re going to succeed with that information because you don’t know if the business owner is gong to succeed either. It’s too risky.

I know nothing about running, but I could perhaps give some generic advice. Keep yourself well hydrated, pace yourself etc. This may be some okay advice but its nothing compared to a trained professional. I have no tips or secrets to give out plus I haven’t ever done it. In this case Id has to build you up and support you at the same time refer you to someone that is an expert in running.

I just feel that if you want to get the best advice go to the people that walk the walk and talk the talk. What do you think?

[James81]

Originally Posted by TaylorLord

Ssandra perhaps it did take him two marriages to figure things out but that’s beside the point. The point is, its silly to give advice that you yourself wouldn't or didn't follow. Its a false advertisement, its a slap in the face and contradictory.

I think people get some sort of satisfaction in telling people what they their self should have done. I think it makes them feel as if they are successful

I see a lot of people that say a lot of positive things but really have nothing going for them. It’s because they don’t believe the stuff they are shoveling out to the world. The man may in fact have some marriage advice on what not to do, but i certainly wouldn't go to him for advice. I would go to someone that has been married for years and years. They are going to have most of the valuable information I want.

Same goes for someone that wants to start their own business. Who would you ask for advice? Someone that is successfull in business? I would. You not only want someone that knows what they are saying, you also want someone who has succeeded throughout the years and is a veteran. If you asked someone how they started their 6 month business, the information is going to be too buggy. Yeah they might tell you how they did it but you don’t know if you’re going to succeed with that information because you don’t know if the business owner is gong to succeed either. It’s too risky.

I know nothing about running, but I could perhaps give some generic advice. Keep yourself well hydrated, pace yourself etc. This may be some okay advice but its nothing compared to a trained professional. I have no tips or secrets to give out plus I haven’t ever done it. In this case Id has to build you up and support you at the same time refer you to someone that is an expert in running.

I just feel that if you want to get the best advice go to the people that walk the walk and talk the talk. What do you think?

I think what you are trying to tell people is to not take advice from people who have NO EXPERIENCE in the issue that they are giving advice in.

For example, why would someone get parenting advice from someone who isn't a parent?

Your divorce example doesn't fall under that category. Someone who is divorced has experience with being married. Not only that, they have mistakes that they could possibly learn from. I would assert that I learned more about love and marriage from my divorce than from any other relationship...good or bad. And I have a whole host full of that advice on my website. Why would you go to someone who has a successful marriage to ask about problems you are having? Those with successful marriages obviously don't have as much experience with the major problems as those who have been divorced.

That's why I think that's a bad example.

It really depends on the issue, as well. Like I said, I wouldn't take parenting advice from someone who isn't a parent. I wouldn't take business advice from someone who doesn't or hasn't ran their own business, but I WOULD take business advice from someone who has failed businesses. Absolutely. I want to learn from their mistakes. I'd be more apt to screen their advice based on their failures, but I certainly wouldn't throw it all out just because they haven't been successful. There's a lot more to learn from failure than there ever will be from success.

[TaylorLord]

James81 points well taken!

Divorce does in fact fall in this category. The reason I used the example of not asking someone that got divorced many times is because they may not be be the best option they have a biased opinion because they have been divorced so many times, they may even have a warped perception that isn't going to help the asker. It all Depends on what advice you want. If you want to work out your marriage you ask someone that has done just that and those people are most likely going to be the people that are still married.

Why would you go to someone who has a successful marriage to ask about problems you are having? Those with successful marriages obviously don't have as much experience with the major problems as those who have been divorced.

You ask the people that are successfull with marriage because they most likely ran into some problems along the way that they FIXED. I know several people that are still successfully married that went through several huge problems and they ended up working things out. They have more experience!

I think asking someone for business advice when they failed many times over is a waste of time. Why not just ask someone directly that you know is successfull and still is. Id rather do that than waste time to hear about what not to do and what to do!

[Angela]

I think it's very possible to get valuable learnings from someone who doesn't have expertise or even competence in what they're talking about.

It's not that I must do what they think I should do. It's the experience of trying on their perspective, rather than the perspective itself, that helps me to be more flexible in my thinking, and to have more choice, and more influence.

Of course, I recognize that nothing anyone says about me means anything about who I am, so maybe we wouldn't call what I'm doing "taking advice."

[TaylorLord]

I think it's very possible to get valuable learnings from someone who doesn't have expertise or even competence in what they're talking about.

Hmm how is this possible? Please elaborate!

[Angela]

Originally Posted by TaylorLord

Hmm how is this possible? Please elaborate!

First one that comes to mind is: there was a member here who had a very strong opinion about a particular author, but he had never read any of that author's books -- he had only read a couple of online articles and a lot about what other people had said about the author. So, I didn't consider that member an expert, or even competently informed, on this author.

And yet! I found myself ensconced in a vigorous conversation with the guy about the author. We both got kind of riled up, and I had the opportunity to notice (it took me an embarrassingly loooong time, I'm sorry to say) that the member was really doing me a big favor by pushing my buttons -- he was generously presenting to me an opportunity to learn something about myself. In that particular case, it was that he was the perfect mirror for me -- I had been being really combative about my beliefs (which coincided with the author's), and the member, who felt otherwise, helped me to understand what I had been being on the subject -- ineffective, and really having the opposite effect of what I would have consciously wanted. It was big learning moment for me, and I'm grateful to that member, whom I thought of as my mirror buddy -- my soul mate, in a way.

Now, if I were to come across someone talking trash about that same author, it wouldn't push my buttons, and I might just skim right over it.

His advice didn't land exactly the way he intended for it to, on me, at least -- but it was the still the perfectly timed source of me of something way more valuable than just the measly little subject we had been talking about.

I've got a million stories like that!

[TaylorLord]

Thats really neato Angela although I dont consider that really "advice" worthy per say but I see what you mean. Thats more like question asking. Advice is geared more towards personal situations rather information on a certain book. That is cool though how your situation played out and you realized something about yourself. I love those realizations! Oh btw you have a nice last name, its the same as mine!

[Angela]

Yes, I get what you mean. And there are gazillions of examples of what you might call advice -- like when someone says, "Angela, you *should* do xyz, or you *shouldn't* do abc." Definitely advice, right?

And everytime someone throws a *should* or a *shouldn't* at me, it's yet another opportunity for me to try on a perspective without making it mean anything about me. Sometimes I'm good at that, sometimes I'm not; sometimes the person has a lot of experience in the matter, and more often they don't! But if there's the 's' word in there, either explicitly or implied, if I'm alert I can recognize an opportunity for big expansion -- an opportunity open up MORE choice rather than less, for myself and maybe even for others. I love it when that happens.

It's harder when it's ME who's doing the shoulding.

(I always thought I should () marry a guy named Taylor, so we could be Lord & Taylor.)

[Otenka]

My opinion regarding the following:

Stop Getting Advice From People That Aren’t Living It

Why would you ask a twice over divorced lady for love advice? Does her experience really qualify her to give good advice? Probably not unless the advice is how to have things go wrong and end up in a divorce.

I see it everyday, we tend to get advice from all the wrong people and places. Would you honestly ask a car salesmen that has a horrible record in sales how to sell cars? Why! It makes no logical sense because if he knew how to sell a lemon to anybody why would he still be so horrible at it?

To me that advice is more like "check what they say to what they do". In that case, I think the person who got divorced twice has good advice at things that may be UNdesirable in marriage. And if that same person gave me advice regarding to how to build a sucessful relationship I would take their advice with a more caution and critical outlook.
The same goes to everything. I can expect a bad salesman to give me advice regarding theory or mistakes and not actual, practical sucessfull business practices. I can expect a sucessful salesman regarding practical sucessful selling practices but I'm not really expecting them to also give "beginner's/intermediary mistakes". I could ask a person who's not a parent for theoretical advice regarding parenting, and so on. I think that "rule" should be more regarding what they say and what they do rather how sucessfull a person.

[Orecle]

Originally Posted by TaylorLord

Hmm how is this possible? Please elaborate!

Taylor Lord
According to motivational expert Brian Tracy most successful businessmen fail on average of 17 times before their first success. Dan Kennedy says the same thing. He says every expert has flaws, he says if you judge a message by the messenger, everyone will be clueless. Even Tony Robbins says most lessons come from bad judgement and experiences.

Success according to success experts comes from trying more things than the average (You remember the babe ruth analogy - he had the most failure and the most hits - because he swung the most times) - if you try much more than the average, you are going to fail much more than the average.

Thomas Edison succeeded on making the light bulb after the 10000 try. After the 8000, could it be said since he failed 8000 times he had nothing valuble to teach on ligt bulb making? NO. he has knowledge of 8000 ways not to do it. This is very valuable. Success is the study of what not to do, as well as what to do. Jim rohn says " Spend a day with a failure, an ask them where they went wrong so you dont do the same"

The fact is failures can often advice us to not do what they have done

By the way, 2 of the most popular relationship coaches - John gray 'men mars women venus - babera deangelis - have been married and divorced 3 or 4 times each - even being married and divorced to each other.

there are numorous reasons get divorced, that may not be their fault. ie they get cheated on twice

in sports, the best world class athletes or sports stars dont become the best coaches , and the best coaches were not world class athletes

In anything, you can learn from someone who is one step above you. They dont have to be expert. because in that case, it means parents cant learn from kids who have had shorter life experience.

but I do agree with the principle of your post and will check out your site fully later on

[Roseblue]

TaylorLord,

Sorry but I disagree with your post. The wise man listens to everyone, even the fool, and then goes off and makes up his own mind based on all the information gathered.

[TaylorLord]

I'm not sure if you are the fool or the wise man but I am listening to you, thank you roseblue

[Plato]

Originally Posted by TaylorLord

Stop Getting Advice From People That Aren’t Living It

Hey, why shoud I listen to YOU Taylor Lord!

Hehe, I did a clever.

[TaylorLord]

haha!

[Plato]

The thing that disturbs me is the power of influence.

Who are the charlatans and who are the authorities? I don't know. I suppose the advice of the authorities works. But then again, the power of placebo means a charlatan is often better than nothing.

This means we can't really tell the difference. Often we don't even know what has power over us and what doesn't. Adverts are an example of advice... the advice to buy their product! Over time they influence our subconscious whether we like it or not.

[TaylorLord]

It is hard to tell, I guess what we really need is proof. What proof do you have that the person on the other end(advice giver) is for real about it. It seems like it also depends on what you are asking about. Some questions are pretty opinion related others (like how to's) can be more specific!

If im starting a blog, at first I may take some amateur's advice to get me started in the right direction and from there(once I get immersed in blogging) I may choose to go with someone that is really really good at blogging. To further my progress, their advice could be more advanced. So in a way the amateur blogger was good help he gave me good enough advice to get me to this higher level!

Now if I was to start a blog and one of my non techy friends gives me advice and says blogs are too hard, It may discourage my whole outlook on creating one in the first place. So its pretty important who you ask first. Your first impression of blogging could be messed up and you may decide to believe that advice without going deeper into it.

We don't want someone giving us advice on loosing weight if they never really lost any their self. They may have the head knowledge from something they heard but if they aren't applying what they know in their life, its not very credible. Its about proof. How do I know if the information is legit?

I see many blogs that supposedly teach people how to make money through their money making advice but they aren't making any money at it. They may even have fake testimonials and some people may believe their word. You see their is a lot of deceptions in advice.

If a lady writes all these nice quotes on her website but her whole life is contradictory to those motivational quotes, its just phoney. Yeah the person reading those quotes wont ever know shes a phoney but still its just not good. Its a lie, its ugly. One of the things I do on my blog is strive to write about things I do know about, the effect is much greater this way.

Perhaps im rambling, obviously advice is a very complex subject. My point in all this is give truthful advice the advice you would take, only if you experienced it or know alot about the subject, if you haven't use your morals and give them positive encouragement on this issue and maybe guide them to a person that can assist them from here.