How do you make yourself like yourself?

[Milena]

Err... what practical steps can you take to like yourself as a person?

Like, if I don't like how I look, do I change it or do I just try to like myself? What if I'm fat? What if I'm short? I don't understand why fatness should be changed but the unchangeable things should be accepted. I figure they should all be accepted, right? I just dunno how to.

Practical advice please?

Oh, and maybe I should mention where this question came from. I'm tired or getting offended by other people when in reality I'm just offending myself. I want to stop offending and hurting and rejecting myself. I want to like myself. Because then I can use my time on things that are more important.

[Eric Roosevelt]

Originally Posted by Milena

Err... what practical steps can you take to like yourself as a person?

Like, if I don't like how I look, do I change it or do I just try to like myself? What if I'm fat? What if I'm short? I don't understand why fatness should be changed but the unchangeable things should be accepted. I figure they should all be accepted, right? I just dunno how to.

Practical advice please?

Oh, and maybe I should mention where this question came from. I'm tired or getting offended by other people when in reality I'm just offending myself. I want to stop offending and hurting and rejecting myself. I want to like myself. Because then I can use my time on things that are more important.

Sure, but just because you accept things as they currently are doesn't mean that you can't take the next step forward. One of the most important things I think we can learn to accept is that things are constantly changing, and that we can influence the way they change. There's no contradiction between accepting yourself and improving yourself.

As for practical advice, that may be a little difficult. Ultimately you have to figure out what works for you by yourself. A little charisma training in front of the mirror probably wouldn't hurt though. Dress up nice, smile and do a dance move.

And never forget to laugh at yourself and the world when it's appropriate. Humor can be used as a tool, not least to help us tackle the toughest aspects of reality.

[Milena]

Hi Eric,

you posed a good point. I am certainly a fan of self-improvement... I'm just not sure if I need to improve aspects of myself that are just inherent character traits. *tries to think of an example*... Well, a short temper is something that I'd like to change... being over-emotional, although I'm not sure whether or not I can change that. I guess I'd like to be thinner too...

well, my problem is this: self-improvement is relative to a degree. One person might find being emotional equal to being empathetic, while another person finds it irrational.

I feel like I've lost my train of thought now....

[spirit4711]

Originally Posted by Milena

Hi

...
well, my problem is this: self-improvement is relative to a degree.

...

How is this a problem for you?

A question you might ask yourself: what do I want different than what I have now? How would that look / sound / feel / taste? What emotions would I experience?

One step at a time

[Milena]

Originally Posted by spirit4711

How is this a problem for you?

A question you might ask yourself: what do I want different than what I have now? How would that look / sound / feel / taste? What emotions would I experience?

One step at a time

Ok, I just thought of something. So, I feel like society pushes the idea that graduate school is prestigious. But I'm unclear as to whether or not it's a good fit for me. And why would I go anyway? Because I want "success" or because I'll enjoy it? I really can't decipher my true motives right now.

And honestly I'm not sure what I would feel if I went. Proud... stressed... successful... trapped to an extent.

And so this leads me to wonder what type of self-improvement I should pursue. The type that makes sense and people agree with? Or the type that lets me develop my autonomy...

[spongesuesquareskirt]

Something that helps me is I think "what if i were with a friend and I wanted to be loving to them, what would I do?"

i would try to see what they enjoyed doing and do those things with them, find out what they liked and give those things to them. Cheer them up and do fun things. Treat them kindly and say nice things to them that would make them feel good.

If you start doing these things for yourself, you will feel more love from yourself. This includes taking care of your health so you feel good, but also doing fun things and nice things for yourself.

If you start with the little things in everyday life, soon the big decisions will become clear, too. You will naturally realize what the loving choices are for yourself.

If you are in doubt about grad school right now, I would suggest you wait because it's better to do it only if you are very passionate and committed about it. You can always decide anytime in your future to do it, so there is no rush.

[Plato]

1) Notice how awesome you are. You haven't been looking properly.
2) Either do, or do not. Thinking you *should* but not following through is a recipe for feeling crap. If you think you should lose weight, you absolutely MUST do it. Or just let it go completely.

Be fully motivated, or not motivated at all. Being semi-moitvated = suffering.

[marinik]

My daughter is coming back from the US today with at least 15 kilo more that she had when she left 10 months ago. I have been thinking about this for days... and realized that if I were to write a letter to myself when I was 19 (I am 49,5) I would say that I should always look my best (as best as I can) be in top form, take care of myself as if I was my little child, love myself, feed myself as if I was 3 (would you give a 3 year old crap to eat or drink?) and so on... invest in myself all the time, learn and learn and learn...new languages, skills, traits... what ever. never stop learning new exciting things.

I have done most of this all my life. Am the best looking NO am I the smartest NO am I the most successful NO... riches NO...funniest NO but I love myself because I have almost always been the best version of myself. People are attracted to me like magnets. Not just men (although I have never had a lack..) everybody wants to be with me. Why? Because I am fine with who I am, do not seek outside validation, approval...love. I used to be and ugly duckling and then one day I decided I would rather be a beautiful swan. I built it from inside out. Look at the best paid and the most famous female stars! They are not all the prettiest or the best built ones. They have personality! Build one for yourself. Fake it till you make it.

[spirit4711]

I wrote a post of about 5 pages, then discovered Marinik said it all already .

Look inside for validation. Not to other people. You know in your heart what it is you need. What is it for you?

[David Cain]

I struggled with this one for a long time. I tried everything, and discovered that you just can't make yourself like yourself. Trying to manipulate the feeling that you feel when you think of yourself or look at yourself in the mirror just doesn't work.

About two years ago, my self-esteem shot through the roof when I made a huge realization: self-love is derived not from how you think of youself, but what you do for yourself. Love of any kind is action, not just feelings. No different with self-love.

I started investing my time in creating a life I wanted to live, rather than spending my time trying to feel better.

Like you say, I wanted to like myself first, because then I'd finally be free to spend my time on things that are more important. I'm convinced now that it has to work the other way though. The action must come first, and suddenly you'll have a lot more respect for yourself, because you're respecting your time too.

This was a very profound discovery for me. I've explained further it here.

I'm tired or getting offended by other people when in reality I'm just offending myself. I want to stop offending and hurting and rejecting myself.

This is a real important insight. I learned that whenever I felt like someone was judging me, I was only ever judging myself.

I also discovered that whenever I resented something in somebody else (such as laziness or selfishness) it was only because I despised those qualities in myself. Now I'm convinced that any time I judge somebody it's because I'm not okay with myself and my behavior.

I hope this is helpful to you

[spirit4711]

@Milena: I often ask the opposite question too.

So: How do you make yourself not like you?

[ZHereford]

Originally Posted by David Cain

Love of any kind is action, not just feelings. No different with self-love.

This is a very good point!

Accepting and loving yourself is an active, ongoing pursuit and probably no different than any love. It is based on an honest self-appraisal, accepting that which you cannot change and making the best with what you have. Certainly anything you can do in the way of personal development increases a sense of accomplishment and in turn self-love.

[Orecle]

Integrity - I think the biggest internal factor that makes people dislike them selves is lack of integrity.
Words/values do not match their actions. Inside they feel like a fraud. The worse thing is they unconsciously live in fear of being caught. Everytime they see people having the courage to live by their true values, it brings up GUILT, REGRET AND WORRY. Its one thing for someone to be dishonest in a relationship. You can distance yourself. Even from your kids. But you cannot run from yourself. The only thing left when feeling guilty from lack of integrity is to change or to decieve yourself. aka cognitive disonance. However there is always something that tells you you are full of crap

practica advice

Make a list of all the things that cause guilt and regret. things in your control

Maybe you lack integrity in your.......
grooming
assertiveness
discipline
effort put into chasing your dreams
maybe deep down you know the 'YOU' you should be, but you dont consciously head towards this vision

[aggie]

therapy...seriously....(and i have seriously had therapy) heck, i had to like myself enough just to admit that to people!...but i think it is an on-going process. you should do or at least attempt to do with no regrets, whatever you feel you need or want to do to improve different areas of yourself or your life. there was a time i actually wondered if or why people really liked me...but when i realized that they did...i knew was an ok person and i could allow myself to like myself

[Plays With Life]

The Crab Apple Bach flower remedy might be for this: "When you feel unclean or have a hard time accepting your self-image."

But also the Rock Water remedy for pushing yourself hard to live up to some kind of standards.

Originally Posted by Milena

And why would I go anyway? Because I want "success" or because I'll enjoy it? I really can't decipher my true motives right now.

Hoo-boy, I've done the same thing. "Wait - why do I want this? What is my motivation, really?"

Originally Posted by David Cain

Love of any kind is action, not just feelings.

I COMPLETELY agree.

[marinik]

There is one very important thing about this all. What is you measuring stick? Do you compare yourself to those top 10 models, or to Bill Gates or to Einstein?

I compare me to me. So I take the best me and compare to what or who I am now. Can I be better? This is the only valid question for me. In this body and consciousness that I call ME there is nobody else but ME. So I can't be Cindy Crawford or Bill or Mrs. Obama.

So the only thing I can do is act, think and feel in order to have the best version of me at any given time.

Remember my daughter the one who came back from the US a few days ago with 15 kg more. Well she is loved by her boyfriend so much that it brings tiers to all... and she is so happy and full of life, she is smart and successful and motivated... when I see the "perfect" ones walking in the streets with no expression in their eyes I wonder what does it mean to love yourself?

[Roseblue]

Milena,

You can start by looking into the mirror and saying "Good morning" to yourself every morning until you begin to feel a difference. Then you can move on to doing something for yourself - give yourself treats and lots of praise. After all, you are your own best friend.

[Milena]

Oh, hey everyone. Some times I start a thread and forget about it for a few days... sorry!

But the feedback was great. Thanks to everyone. I especially liked the action stuff. Don't say you "should", either do or don't do. And you'll like yourself when you like what you're doing with your time. Ah, such good advice.

I suppose... my approach has been too philosophical. Instead of doing what I think I should do, I ask myself why I feel like I should be doing it, and whether the "should" is authentic. i.e. deep within myself I feel like I should be thin, but at the same time I realize this is due to some sort of global brainwashing, and that being thin would be insignificant. How is it possible to want and not want something at the same time? I don't want to conform, but there is an inexplicable desire to conform at the same time.

I guess I'm wandering off topic a bit. I think that for the most part, spending my time more wisely will make me like myself more. Also, feeding myself better. I know that I feel a lot better about myself when I eat nutritiously- as if I'm giving my body what it deserves.

So once again, thanks everyone!

[carenkh]

Wow! So many great responses!!

A book that had a big impact on me is There's Nothing Wrong With You by Cheri Huber, Zen student, teacher and writer.

[brendannz]

One useful thing to remind yourself, is

"All I need to be happy is myself."

[invisiblehouses]

My experience may have been unusual...but I actually just sort of decided to stop hating myself.

What I think I started with was the idea that "I am not required to justify myself to any other person but myself." I probably got that idea from this very site, but I was taking small steps in that direction even before that, without realizing it.

For example, my parents always wanted me to study engineerin'. When I was still just a kid, they started telling me it was what I wanted, too, and I made a terrible mistake (though understandable, given my age): I believed them. Oh they said I could do whatever I wanted to make myself happy in life: "Well, there's mechanical engineerin', and electrical engineerin', and civil engineerin', and..."

So that's what I went to college for when I was 18, and I came within inches of flunking out entirely. That was just a terrible period in my life. Anxiety, depression, anger, helplessness, the complete Unhappy Meal. I knew before I even started that I was in the wrong field, but I stuck to the path laid out before me. I didn't want to disappoint anyone. The guilt I felt as I changed majors from engineering to liberal arts (and as I finally settled on English Literature) was just crushing. It was a good sign that I made the move at all, but emotionally I was stuck in the same old patterns.

It certainly didn't help when I started getting subtle hints that they hadn't told my aunt and uncle that I wasn't studying engineering anymore. I'm about to graduate with an English degree, and they couldn't bring themselves to admit it to close relatives! These people were ashamed of me!

After college ended, and they finally figured out that I wasn't going to go back for four more years and get that Magical Engineering Degree, they began to natter about graduate school. Constantly.

I got a job. I got married. I got a different job I could call "a career." Still they refused to shut up about "Y'oughtta go back ta gradjit school one a these days."

My wife took the first step for me. She laid into my mom one day when they were visiting us and brought up graduate school again. My gratitude for this gesture will never die. For the first time in my life, someone had stood up for me in front of my parents. It was liberating. I began to see that...hey, maybe I could stand up for me, too!

My folks backslid a couple times. The first time, I didn't react forcefully enough. I went with a weak, whiny, "ida rilly wanna" type of answer. The next time it happened, I was ready. In a gentle and loving, but very firm manner, I laid out the reasons I was satisfied with my life and why I had no intention of returning to college ever again. They haven't brought it up since.

Now, I've had other issues. Regret, guilt, envy...the whole smorgasbord of ways to treat yourself badly, but I'm beginning to let go of all of it. In fact, sitting here this morning, I'm realizing that I can't really even force myself to stay in those dark places anymore. Of course I have moments, but they're just moments now. They blow by like a dust devil and dissipate into the air.

So, that's part of my "Or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love My Life" story. I don't know if I've provided any insight to anyone, but sometimes you just gotta throw this stuff out there, y'know?

[The Cloud]

Originally Posted by marinik

I have done most of this all my life. Am the best looking NO am I the smartest NO am I the most successful NO... riches NO...funniest NO but I love myself because I have almost always been the best version of myself. People are attracted to me like magnets. Not just men (although I have never had a lack..) everybody wants to be with me. Why? Because I am fine with who I am, do not seek outside validation, approval...love. I used to be and ugly duckling and then one day I decided I would rather be a beautiful swan. I built it from inside out. Look at the best paid and the most famous female stars! They are not all the prettiest or the best built ones. They have personality! Build one for yourself. Fake it till you make it.

You don't love yourself, you're in love with things about yourself. It's a conditional love, always doubting, always looking for an excuse to turn into hate. If your body suddenly ballooned out of your control, you'd go crazy. All that self-love would become self-doubt and anger and frustration.

I'm not saying that you shouldn't do what you're doing. By all means, keep doing it, it seems to be working. But it won't make you happy. You won't find happiness in thinness or smartness or social acceptance or success. All these things are temporary, and the temporary by definition cannot last forever. If you base your happiness on temporary things, you will always have that voice which is triggered by the offenses of others telling you that things could change for the worse at any moment. That you aren't pretty or smart or successful enough for it to last forever.

So where is lasting joy and peace found? I can't say from experience, but I suspect that it's found in that which is eternal and unchanging and unnameable. Once something is named, it becomes a thing, and all things change. So the unchanging truth must not be a thing. Observe and see the insubstantiality of all things, and you will eventually have to see past that to the truth beyond.

I know that this all sounds impractical and mystical, but practicality itself isn't practical if it doesn't bring you any lasting peace or joy. There has to be a way to become unconditionally joyful, and since it's not found in self-affirmations or personal development, it must be found somewhere beyond that. If unconditional joy isn't what you want, then that's fine. But you'll never be free of that voice in your head as long as you rely on it to tell you how great you are, and you'll never be truly happy.

[sk8joyful]

Originally Posted by Milena

what practical steps can you take to like yourself as a person?

Like, if I don't like how I look, do I change it ?
Practical advice please?

Well,
1. You can start each day, with a Cheerful-attitude,
as you awaken praising out loud "THANKS God, for this beautiful!! day you've blessed me with"
&
2. Always remember how much God/Jesus loves *you*! so,
in like manner too LOVE yourself, and others
&
3. Feeling this unconditional acceptance, & love, you can't help but live Happy,
so much so that naturally you are full... of it. How full? like beautiful, cheerful, colorful, graceful, gratefully saved, helpful, joyful, merciful, thankful, thoughtful, wonderful, & well blissful
&
4. I raised my daughter, & some of her friends, with "Do you know God created you a genius for real!!!" such that now, they're all believers...
&
5. how about wearing clothes you think Compliment you,
&
6. Humor: especially giggling Good-naturedly wholeheartedly... as small children do, Laugh often.
&
7. re "how can I change my looks": a skilled & experienced hypnotherapist can help you change alot!

Cheers!

[sk8joyful]

Originally Posted by The Cloud

So where is lasting joy and peace found? I can't say from experience,
but
there has to be a way to become unconditionally joyful, and
since it's not found in self-affirmations or personal development, it must be found somewhere beyond that.

Well, I can say from experience where "unconditionally joyful, and lasting peace, can be found".

See my response here: sk8joyful Kewl! Glad you asked re "more... Today, 03:03 PM

Cheers!

[The Cloud]

Originally Posted by sk8joyful

Well, I can say from experience where "unconditionally joyful, and lasting peace, can be found".

See my response here: sk8joyful Kewl! Glad you asked re "more... Today, 03:03 PM

Cheers!

What makes you think that anything in that alphabet has anything to do with lasting, perfect happiness? It sounds more like a list of conditions and feel-good propaganda.

[sk8joyful]

Originally Posted by The Cloud

It sounds more like a list of conditions and feel-good propaganda.
What makes you think -
anything in that alphabet has anything to do with lasting, perfect happiness?

The only being I am familiar with, who is PERFECT is God/Jesus:
He (aside omnipresent, omniscient, omnibenevolent & omnipotent) is also perfect in all other exquisite abilities.

And this same God created us, each including *you* to enjoy! living, yes Happy
even to positively-encouraging into how... we can participate in His kind of happiness everlastingly...

Call this positive, constructive Alphabet I shared, anything you want, - and yes, you're quite right!
it makes people "feel good" <- exactly what God/Jesus created us for. Why?
so we all our life PRAISE God. See, it's a Win-Win: God is happy for eternity and so are we, each.

Cheers!

[lemjau]

Originally Posted by The Cloud

You don't love yourself, you're in love with things about yourself. It's a conditional love, always doubting, always looking for an excuse to turn into hate. If your body suddenly ballooned out of your control, you'd go crazy. All that self-love would become self-doubt and anger and frustration.

I'm not saying that you shouldn't do what you're doing. By all means, keep doing it, it seems to be working. But it won't make you happy. You won't find happiness in thinness or smartness or social acceptance or success. All these things are temporary, and the temporary by definition cannot last forever. If you base your happiness on temporary things, you will always have that voice which is triggered by the offenses of others telling you that things could change for the worse at any moment. That you aren't pretty or smart or successful enough for it to last forever.

So where is lasting joy and peace found? I can't say from experience, but I suspect that it's found in that which is eternal and unchanging and unnameable. Once something is named, it becomes a thing, and all things change. So the unchanging truth must not be a thing. Observe and see the insubstantiality of all things, and you will eventually have to see past that to the truth beyond.

I know that this all sounds impractical and mystical, but practicality itself isn't practical if it doesn't bring you any lasting peace or joy. There has to be a way to become unconditionally joyful, and since it's not found in self-affirmations or personal development, it must be found somewhere beyond that. If unconditional joy isn't what you want, then that's fine. But you'll never be free of that voice in your head as long as you rely on it to tell you how great you are, and you'll never be truly happy.

I am sorry Cloud but where did you see marinik saying anything about her body or external validation. On the contrary, she just said she was fine with who she was and doing the best to be the best version of herself.

She said that people were attracted to her because she didn't care what they thought of her, she was fine with whom she is.

Aren't you projecting yourself?

[The Cloud]

Originally Posted by lemjau

I am sorry Cloud but where did you see marinik saying anything about her body or external validation. On the contrary, she just said she was fine with who she was and doing the best to be the best version of herself.

She said that people were attracted to her because she didn't care what they thought of her, she was fine with whom she is.

Aren't you projecting yourself?

People say what they want to be true, but the way they say it often reveals the actual truth. Are the truly confident people the ones that boast about themselves most loudly? From their words, one could assume that they are very self-assured. But everybody knows that their boisterousness stems from insecurity, not courage.

It's one of the trickiest kinds of validation to diagnose, because it seeks validation through apparent independence. Marinik has created the facade of independence, of being pretty great without caring what other people think. A facade that she has a powerful urge to point out to people when she's talking about herself.

I'm not dumping on marinik at all, she sounds like a really fantastic and upstanding lady. But I would be remiss if I didn't point out this small shortcoming of hers. If it's not really there, then she doesn't need my validation and won't mind that I'm chasing ghosts. But if it is there, then she now has the valuable opportunity to achieve a greater understanding of herself. And for that, I'm willing to risk being wrong.

[Daffy Duck]

Create yourself into the type of person you like. It's that easy and it's that hard.

I can't help but like myself!

[sk8joyful]

Originally Posted by The Cloud

It's one of the trickiest kinds of validation to diagnose,

Marinik has created the facade of independence.
I'm not dumping on marinik at all, she sounds like a really fantastic and upstanding lady.

But I would be remiss if I didn't point out this small shortcoming of hers.

sheeesh - people handing-out advice left & right; and
now "diagnosing" no less over the internet too? wow, what next!