I don't want to be a sheep... :(

[jendoe]

I work for a large company.

I hate said company. I have hated my job since the first day (I've been there almost 3 years now!) My values are not aligned with this company, I'm not being challenged, and really just not enjoying myself at all.

Now we're in a position where a significantly large group may go on strike, soon. If so, I'm supposed to go to a different state to fill in during the strike.

This entails
- working 6 days a week, 12 hours shift (72 hours/week!), doing constant typing with very few breaks (bad for my RSI issues! heck, overall bad for anyone!)
- only returning home once every 3 weeks (if I'm lucky, if I'm not in the first group approved to go home, it may be 4 or 5 weeks).
- only going home for the weekend - I will drive about 8 hours on saturday to go home, then 8 hours on sunday to go back.
- they are bringing food into the workplace for lunch/dinner. (we are supposed to have free breakfast at the hotel.) because they are supplying lunch/dinner, we will not be reimbursed... HOWEVER - we were told that they will NOT accommodate vegetarian (or vegan, or kosher, etc.) requests - because "being a vegetarian is a preference, not a dietary restriction". However, if we purchase our own food (remember, I'll be in a hotel, so won't really be able to cook) - we don't get reimbursed.

I find myself very angry at the way I'm being treated (with good cause, I believe.) I already disliked the company, and I'm really hating them now.

I feel stupid - because I knew that I didn't want to work there when I started, yet I stayed. Everytime something bad happened, I stayed. I've been so depressed at times, I "worked from home" by laying bed, staring at the walls, thinking I couldn't possibly get up - yet I stayed.

I absolutely know the best thing for me would be to just finally leave. I feel like the universe is saying to me, "How much more do we have to pile up on top of you before you get it - you don't belong here - would you get out already!"

I know from my reading here, my only reason for staying is fear I was convinced I would quit, and every single person in my life has told me - "Don't quit! You can't quit! Are you crazy, there are no jobs! What will you do, how will you support yourself? Suck it up, just go... you'll live through it, and then things will be back to normal" (not getting that I already hate normal!)

And - the absolutely INSANE part is - I've been saving, obsessively (because I knew I wanted to quit.) I have enough savings to last at least a year without a job, I'm confident of that. Possibly a few months longer, depending on what types of car/house emergencies come up - but at least a year. That's not counting my 401k money (which obviously, I wouldn't want to withdraw at this point, since it's lost most of it's value... but if I had to take it out today, after penalties, I *think* I could go another 6 months or so on it.)

AND I've started an online class on web marketing. It's great - and I think there's some potential there. It's not my dream job, but the way it's being taught, I can see ways that it could be a good match for me, and it could work. Of course, I haven't had enough time (mostly because of work!) to really dive in - I'm still working on my first website, it's taking my forever.

I want to quit so badly. I was in meetings today, talking about different projects coming up, and all I could think was - if the strike happens and I end up having to leave for that, then *this* is what I have to come back to after - these projects are what will be waiting for me - and I'm dreading them. Not at all interested.

I don't want to be this person I want to be brave, and confident, and have a brilliant life I don't want to even be associated with this company.

I keep thinking of Dr. Phil saying something like, "You know the only thing worse than staying in a toxic job for 3 years? Staying there for 3 years and a day..."

Any good advice on dealing with this? Is it utterly crazy to want to quit? In this economy, where job fairs seem to bring thousands of people out? With no real plan other than, "try to get some websites up and right some e-books" ...

Anyone know how to "manifest" this stupid strike not happening, which would at least relieve a little bit of the stress and immediacy?!!?

Thanks for listening, sorry this is long. I really needed to vent to people that I suspect will get it, since I'm surrounded by people who don't understand why any of this is a big deal to me, or how I could possibly be even considering quitting over it!!!

Thanks

[TiffyLove]

It seems so many of us dislike our current jobs.

I have a suspicion that this is part of what keeps us looking to improve ourselves and grow.

I do believe that as long we continue to look at what we don't want in our lives it will continue to be present.

Why not focus on what we do want?
I know its difficult to do, I am right there with you, I could write a full page about why I HATE my job. But my main desire is to enjoy my life and I can't do that as long as I am focusing on how much I despise my job. As you will not be able to create anything different, either.

All I can say is make the best decisions with what you got right now and continue to grow and focus on what you do want.

Trust me I wish I could be of more help, that would mean I had the answer for myself as well!

[Kaspian]

Originally Posted by jendoe

I absolutely know the best thing for me would be to just finally leave.

Trust your instincts and take action.

Originally Posted by jendoe

I feel like the universe is saying to me, "How much more do we have to pile up on top of you before you get it - you don't belong here - would you get out already!"

...either the universe or your wonderful, powerful subconscious mind. Maybe it's time to love and value yourself enough to get out of this job that clearly isn't working for you.

[JSB]

How about joining the strike?

[srujacobs]

From my perspective, jendoe, you sound certifiably insane. Why would you allow your employer to hijack your life? You seem to be determined to hold yourself back. Even though your post was very long and thorough, I think you may not have come to grips with the base reason why you still keep your job. It could be insecurity (being unsure of yourself, needing supervisory structure, addiction to a routine), a desire to please/not let your employer down, or general submissive tendencies. You should figure out what the root of your concern with leaving your job is and then address that. The job may not be the problem--you may need a fundamental adjustment of belief/personality.

An appropriate step you might take would be to give your employer two weeks' notice and refuse to move from your current office or extend your hours. This is about your own boundaries and well being and no one should be able to dictate that to you.

Give yourself permission to be free.

Just think, the new irrational demands of your employer may be the universe giving you that nudge to get the heck out. How much more can you take, anyway?

[Manomanman]

Look for another job on the side. If you get an offer you like, take it. If not, suffer through this BS.

Have you considered taking drugs while working? If you've resigned yourself to this fate, you might as well make yourself apathetic/numb to the emotional pain you feel.

It sounds like you've concluded, based on "the hype", that there aren't other jobs out there. It also sounds like you haven't looked, or haven't tried.

You HAVE a job, which makes you that much more appealing to people looking for employees.

Also, have you thought about self-employment?

Also, you could probably go beyond a year if you economized really well. You couldn't start something profitable in a year? You couldn't even make part-time money during that year?

Sounds like you've boxed in your expectations, and it sounds like you intend to stay in this job, afraid.

[Harmonium]

Summon some power from within your soul and quit, summon more power and create an abundant life. Find a spiritual teacher or something and learn to find internal security instead of external security (you cannot control the external).

What Do You Need To Feel Secure?

You can do it man, look around you and recognize the abundance

[jendoe]

Thanks for the thoughts.

TiffyLove - thanks for your thoughts, and I hope you can figure it all out too! I know "lifes too short" to be stuck in a job that's killing you, but at the same time... it's hard. It shouldn't be, but it is.... good luck to you too.

Thanks Kaspian

JSB - I'd LOVE to join in the strike! But, I am not eligible to join the union b/c I'm classified as "management" (even though I don't actually "manage" anyone but myself). [Of course, I've also expressed interest in "protesting the protest!" to my office-mates, who don't seem to get it.]

srujacobs - thanks - I needed to hear that it sounds insane. The whole thing feels insane, but it feels even MORE crazy to be surrounded by people who can't understand why I'm upset about this and to the point of quitting. One person I work with was even told that she can not take vacation time for her upcoming marriage/honeymoon, because they need her for the strike! And NOBODY is batting an eye - they're not happy, but it's all just, "well, it's what we have to do." It feels like I've walked into some sort of crazy-world.

One guy even told me point-blank, "well, you have no choice. There's nothing you can do." I looked at him and said, "Yes - I DO have a choice. If the strike is called, I can call my manager and my strike manager and quit!"

So I can SEE the choice. I can SEE that I have a choice. And I know which choice I want, but I don't seem able to accept the consequences (ie loss of a paycheck.)

Maybe I need to just accept that that's who I am right this instant. It definitely feels like something I've struggled with in the past (Similar feeling situation in the past - I had no savings, just out of school, and was offered a job in another state - hated the state and didn't want to move, but had no clue how I was going to support myself another month. Yet managed to say no thanks... and it all has turned out ok. I did not end up homeless )

Manomanman - thanks - I've been looking at other jobs online, but I don't really want another JOB. I've had enough jobs to know that I don't enjoy them It sort of feels like - like my job is a beat-up old pickup truck, and I'm tied to the back of it, being dragged through the desert over broken glass - and every time I tell people this, the response I get is - "ok, so find another truck!"

I'm definitely trying to figure out the self-employment thing. I think that's the way I'll have to go eventually to get my life back. I'm doing my class and working on my first (of many hopefully) websites. It's just - a bit overwhelming right now to get it to the point of actually be up and running, especially with the job/life demands eating up so much time.

Part of me thinks - if I left the job - I could spend 3 or 4 months just focused on building the websites. If after that amount of time it doesn't look like it would work, I tried, and I'd still have 8-9 months of savings to fall back on for a job search.

But again, the job search thought makes me feel sick to my stomach - b/c I don't want another job. Jobs really seem to be a bad fit for me - my employers like me, my co-workers like me, I apparently do great work - but I hate being there (long-term observation).

Thanks Harmonium - I actually was just rereading that article a week or so ago! Guess that's my nudge to go back and read it again, and see what I'm clearly missing.

I just got Steve's book. I need to spend some time reading that. It's frustrating to me - I really want to be someone who lives in alignment with my values, and who is brave enough to make these choices. I want that sense of confidence and security that comes from the inside, that feeling that, "no matter what, I'm making the right choice - and I'm competent and able to take care of things, so it will be ok. I will make it ok."

But smart people fail. Smart people go bankrupt. Or end up on the streets. I just caught a show the other day about this guy that had gone to Juillard, but dropped out b/c of schizophrenia and was - decades later - living on the streets. It was heartbreaking, but also - scary - he was clearly very gifted at what he did, and it wasn't enough.

I don't know. Maybe there's something I can learn from going through this.

Thanks for listening. I appreciate it.

[SimonaRich]

All in your letter I can read is how negative you are in your situation. But the more you keep repeating that you do not like it, the more of such reality you will get.

You should start focusing on things that you like, even if there is only very little of them, and only then you will be able to change your circumstances.

[Manomanman]

The people who fail are the ones who give up. If you want to find success, you're going to have to hustle. Entrepreneurialism is more of a mindset than a "Do X, Do Y, then you Succeed" type of thing.

All the books they sell about marketing won't do the fraidycats a bit of good if they won't jump in and do it. Ferris gives a clear example in 4 Hour Workweek. People just won't act on their intentions, and they default to some internal myth they create about success.

You're in such an unbelievably good position right now, I can't fathom you not going for broke in terms of self-employment.

You still seem to subscribe to some limiting beliefs...like not being able to find a job in 9 months. Unemployment is 15% (worst in the nation) where I live, and my friend from Kentucky found a job in under 1 month. He just went for it, and he loves his boss. He basically approached him and said, "I'll increase your business, create a website for you, and help you work the shop". Based on his CHARACTER, along with his sales pitch, he got this "job" which is really just a freelance gig. The owner now wants to offer him management of the shop.

I think the key here is that you lack the calibration to navigate in the "jobless" world. If you quit your job, your survival mechanisms will kick in, and you bet your ass you'll swim rather than sink.

P.S. It sounds like the ppl you work with are d-cks.

[Steve Pavlina]

Chapter 6.

[Idealistic Dreamer]

It really sounds like you are miserable. I have some advice for you from my point of view.

Quit.

Put in your resignation and walk out the door. If you want, do it on the day of the strike, or even better, if you want to leave a two weeks notice, time it so that the notice is done on the day of the strike.

I had (less than a year ago) a job working security that was making me miserable. So, when I got assigned Jury Duty, I took that as my opening and left. I timed it so that the week of Jury Duty coincided with the second week of my two weeks notice. I was worried I wouldnt make it, run broke financially, etc. I didnt even have a grand saved up.

Now, since then I have been blessed with a three month vacation to Miami/Orlando Florida when a job oportunity came up there. It fell through in the end but I was able to stay current on all the old bills I had and the company paid for everything else. Just what I had asked for after I got left that old security job. Since then Ive gone back to college, am now one year from my degree. I also have my dream job where I can read, write, etc while at work, as well as starting a business. Quitting a job without a backup really isnt that bad

With your savings, you will be able to take a month off, relax and find your center again. Then decide what you really want to do. If you decide your business is for you, then go for it with all your focus and you will succeed.

Most of all, just enjoy life!

[jendoe]

Thanks for all the thoughts and encouragement!

(And Steve, if you're reading - thanks for pointing me to chapter 6 - I was trying to jump to just power, didn't realize I needed "courage". The funny irony was - earlier in the week I decided to try to do a "one word affirmation" that I read about here - and had picked LOVE !)

Everyone is expecting the strike to be called tomorrow night. I have been trying to manifest "a peaceful solution that allows me to stay in my own state."

Today - I got in - and had an email saying I was "reclassified" as "essential" - meaning that instead of traveling out of state to fill in for people on strike, I would stay in my own office and work on my own projects!!!

I was shocked. I knew that someone last week was trying to push this through, but since it was so close to "go time" - and since my boss had said the project hadn't even been looked at for approval yet - we didn't expect it to happen. At the best, I thought they'd send me away, then call me back after a week to get back to my own projects.

This is a huge relief.

Obviously, it doesn't change the fact that I don't like/respect the company and that the job is a poor (terrible!) fit for me - but it gives me breathing room.

I'm going to continue focusing on my web class and trying to get my own business up and running. I'm not 100% convinced that it's the best thing yet either (after reading that chapter, I'm not sure that "web marketing" has a "heart" for me - but I think it's an order of magnitude better than what I'm doing know, and could let me better support myself so that I could do more fun stuff, and less boring stuff !)

I commit to getting at least one website up. As my sister said, I will not decide it's a failure before I actually get up a site up and see how it works. I will give myself that chance.

I think I need to look for a different "pay the bills" job in the meantime (preferably something part-time) - but I'm not sure how to juggle the time/energy. Right now, I'm: working full-time, working on getting the internet marketing stuff going, exercising and trying to improve my diet, and studying piano/composition for fun. On top of normal life things (cleaning the house, for example!) It feels hard to fit it all in, and still get any sleep...

Thanks for the advice, encouragment, and brutal honesty... right now, even though I feel like a weight has been lifted, I"m honestly exhausted from this week - just want to curl up and sleep for many hours!

Thanks!

[AnakinSkywalker]

I wish the strike is not called off. I wish that you are put in a very distasteful situation. I wish for your own good.... Only if it gets really really bad will you take action towards doing what you love. As it is the only way reality can make you do whats right for you. Else you will continue to do whats comfortable (risk-free).

Amit.

[AnakinSkywalker]

Remember the article that talked about using overwhelming force.

I think one will not get anywhere if he lets his energy/focus dissipate into hobbies etc. Instead, do some more energizing activities (as opposed to just excercising in the gym) like the Sudarshan Kriya or energizing Yoga, and not Hathayoga.

On second thought, if one has still not discovered what suits one best as a daily routine (call it a job) then this dissipation of energy would be justified in the name of entertainment or education. But once you lock-in, use overwhelming force. Give it all you got till you get your break. There is really no other way with all that competetion.

PS: I guess I am just thinking aloud. I know you have not asked for advice, so just ignore it if you have to. Mostly just made a few posts since I havent posted in a while.

Amit.