Why is changing so hard?

[Stephen0001]

I have read every book out there when it comes to taking control of your life.. Napoleon Hill,.. Carnegie etc.

Though I'm still young ( early 20s.. ). I started reading these books years ago and although I've made progress, I am so unhappy with where I am. Most of what I've read, including Steve Pavlina, has made a point to say - everything starts with finding your purpose in life.

I've tried for years to write myself a perfect mission statement.. but they are always flawed.. And after two or three days of working really hard, I say " well if it's not a perfect plan.. then why the hell does it matter anyway? " and I give up.

I write in a journal every night, and for literally years I have been very unhappy with my lack of effort. It's as if I read just enough self help, positive thinking books to keep myself going " oh.. Steve you can do anything!.. you have so much potential! , but I've never put forth enough effort. My mind is saying " You can do anything if you work hard", but I just don't do it.. What the hell?

When I tell people this they say to chill out and relax! After all I'm only 23.. " You're so young... there's so much time for you left!" But I feel otherwise. I know my time is running out.. and I just wish I would finally change.

Anyone else going through this? It's like I'm always looking for another article or book that's going to change my life and get me into action.. but I've read them all and still can't seem to break that barrier of "waiting". When I look back on my journals from 3-4 years ago where I wrote " I HAVE TO CHANGE!! NOW!!" .. and realize I've really done very little towards that end, it's depressing as hell and makes me wonder what is wrong with me.

[Eric Revelin]

You're pushing yourself way, way too hard. You're creating the frustration and the frustration is keeping you stuck. No matter what time schedule you're working on you have to chill out. The more you push the more you're going to set yourself back. More effort doesn't necessarily equal better results.

You don't need a perfect plan to get started. The point of an imperfect plan is to act on it, figure out its flaws and make adjustments. In my experience it's nigh impossible to figure out what you need to change until you've made it a point to do something, anything, just to see how it works.

I'd say you're at a point where personal development material won't do anything for you. You've got to get in touch with your own inner compass. More PD would be a waste of time where you are now. You know what the experts have to say, so how can you take that and integrate it into your paradigm? If you haven't created a unique paradigm tailored by you and for you then you've missed something essential in all the searching you've done.

That last paragraph is something you've already realized by the sound of it, but I'm leaving it because it reiterates an essential truth: you're the only person that can figure out what you need to do. I'd suggest distancing yourself from your current perspective and looking at your situation with fresh eyes. If what you've been thinking ("Time is short" "I HAVE to figure this out" "I can do anything if I work hard") has proven ineffectual then it obviously isn't working and you're going to need to try new things, even some things you would normally never consider, to get out of this rut.

[Chillax]

Originally Posted by Stephen0001

I have read every book out there when it comes to taking control of your life.. Napoleon Hill,.. Carnegie etc.

Though I'm still young ( early 20s.. ). I started reading these books years ago and although I've made progress, I am so unhappy with where I am. Most of what I've read, including Steve Pavlina, has made a point to say - everything starts with finding your purpose in life.

I've tried for years to write myself a perfect mission statement.. but they are always flawed.. And after two or three days of working really hard, I say " well if it's not a perfect plan.. then why the hell does it matter anyway? " and I give up.

I write in a journal every night, and for literally years I have been very unhappy with my lack of effort. It's as if I read just enough self help, positive thinking books to keep myself going " oh.. Steve you can do anything!.. you have so much potential! , but I've never put forth enough effort. My mind is saying " You can do anything if you work hard", but I just don't do it.. What the hell?

When I tell people this they say to chill out and relax! After all I'm only 23.. " You're so young... there's so much time for you left!" But I feel otherwise. I know my time is running out.. and I just wish I would finally change.

Anyone else going through this? It's like I'm always looking for another article or book that's going to change my life and get me into action.. but I've read them all and still can't seem to break that barrier of "waiting". When I look back on my journals from 3-4 years ago where I wrote " I HAVE TO CHANGE!! NOW!!" .. and realize I've really done very little towards that end, it's depressing as hell and makes me wonder what is wrong with me.

You haven't found something solid that will be the source of your motivation.

All this self help is like a guide on how to coordinate all those feelings, it won't be what generates the feelings that lead to change.

The key to motivation is amplifing the RIGHT feelings and thoughts while ignoring the others.

In the end, your thoughts lead to your choices and your choices lead to who you are.

One thing that helps me when I just can't seem to get myself motivated is to just stop thinking and meditate for 20 mins, and this is nothing fancy, I just go to a dark place, sit up straight and focus on my breathing to clear my mind. Sometimes when your mind is cluttered, you have to just erase everything and start over.

[David Cain]

Sounds familiar.

I struggled the same way for a long time. I kept reading and learning and gaining insights, but my quality of life did not change. I was still stuck. I felt that need to change so badly, but it just didn't happen.

It sounds like you are reading a lot, and maybe thinking differently, but what are you doing differently? Change comes from making better habits, that's all it takes.

Insight is nice, but you will never find that perfect article that will change you. You have to consciously change your actions and your habits. That is when things will open up for you.

[magic1]

so normal....change change change....and nothing! I suffered from the affliction....

true change can not be found in books, so you can read all you want and still nothing....its like a big illsuion self development...you think you are doing all of this work, but the work you do, is not touching the thing that needs to be touched....its very surface....

are you spirtual in any way??? if you have so much of a hint of that...well then connect into it...this world does not operate how we think it does, there is a deepness to it, that as mere mortals we have been missing......we are on the inside , actually very powerful creators...but just have forgotten....leave the surface change alone, as start recognising when in your life you see the bigger matrix at play....are your thoughts somewhjat manifesting...do you notice synchs??? expand your mind to allow the true natre of reality to reveal itself to you...and follow that rd.....I cannot tell you how this journey will unfold....but it will definatley lead to the change you are wanting....good luck

[Poiesis Hagakure]

You sound like you are me! stoppit!!

I know this impulse, for me, stems from my not being able to let go of the past. It's like psychologists will describe the family situation when there's an alcoholic in the family --- there's always a big invisible elephant [signifying the problem of alcoholism and it's effects] in the room, that everybody sees but pretends isn't there. Exactly the thoughts you're having --- I am nearly 26 now, and am just starting to change. Please don't waste another three years of life walking through a courtyard filled with invisible statues and animals, like I did. LET GO of all those ideas from the past, those expectations. When you go to bed every night you need to be able to be at peace with the day that has just passed, AND you need to feel like you improved if only a bit, if only by keeping your word!

This is what I'm finally doing, and please, do the same. Let go of your harsh stresses upon yourself AND do something about it. Be active everyday and don't allow yourself time to criticize yourself. Ever heard about life being too short? You don't want to grow an appreciation for that the wrong way. woww..... I just realized I should rewrite this post. I won't, but I'll throw the thought out there that just struck me.

I'm a fan of the Bushido, a very old book on Samurai ethics. There is so much wisdom therein. The first thing it impresses upon the reader is: Die! Die again everyday! At the beginning of each day, plan on it being your last and accept your death ahead of time.

Life really is too short. Keep your word to yourself. Be active, make strides towards your concrete goals, and plan to fail. We never are immaculately perfect in our completion of a task; learn from your failures, and thereby progress to the next day stronger, wiser. Be calm and know that your word is a vow. Keep that vow.

[rocksupreme]

The reason you can't change is very simple: you haven't learned to accept yourself as you are yet.

Every time you think about changing something, you are denying it's present reality. Learn to deal with what is going on right here and now first. then you can worry about potentials.

You want to change yourself? Even if you succeed, you will never be satisfied with your changes until you can accept yourself as you are.

[Plays With Life]

Originally Posted by Stephen0001

And after two or three days of working really hard, I say " well if it's not a perfect plan.. then why the hell does it matter anyway? " and I give up.

I didn't quite understand this line. What do you mean by perfect?

Originally Posted by Stephen0001

.. and I just wish I would finally change.

How exactly do you want to change? I mean, is there some specific thing about your life, your daily experience, or yourself that you want to change? Is there some specific goal you're trying to aim for, but not finding the motivation to get it kicked into gear?

I've had setbacks and frustrations when I've tried to change things. But this doesn't sound like difficulty changing something. You didn't mention wanting to change anything. Could it be that you think you Should be changing something, but you don't know what it is?

It can be tough to change if you don't know what you're trying to change!

Or, could it be that you wish you had some specific goal, something to give you a sense of purpose, to guide your decisions? I've been in that situation before.

Also, if there IS something specific that you want to change, but you don't have a specific thing that you want to change it TO - that can be immobilizing. I mean that has made me feel rather "stuck" before. If that's the situation you're in, what I've done there is to just pick something, anything, just to get it changed. Not because it's the right or the best thing to change to - but just to see what it's like when I get there, so that I can then decide from that position whether I want to stay or try one of the other options.

[Plays With Life]

Originally Posted by Poiesis Hagakure

I'm a fan of the Bushido, a very old book on Samurai ethics. There is so much wisdom therein. The first thing it impresses upon the reader is: Die! Die again everyday! At the beginning of each day, plan on it being your last and accept your death ahead of time.

This is AWESOME. I do the same thing.

[Manomanman]

I'm right there with you. Change is hard because we don't understand it. We're brought up to live in a world that values tradition, authority, etc.

When you change, you disrupt that order (for the better, of course), and therefore there will be short-term disruptions in the "stability" of you life. This threatens your ability to survive. Friends will withdraw their support. You'll have to find new ones. You could lose your job. You could get sick. etc. etc.

We fear the unknown, because it can kill us. It's a survival instinct. To change as a person, you've got to be totally ready to take risks. You probably have a risk-averse personality, and every time you try to change you get rewarded by stopping.

You're going to have to dig deep down to figure it out.

Also, you may lack direction so far. You've got some vague idea of what you want, but you life philsophy isn't fully developed. Work on it. Free your mind completely, and JUST WRITE. Write about what is most meaningful to you. Express in WORDS what it is that's bothering you. If it doesn't come out clear and direct, take some time off and try again.

Now take that, go out into the world, and add to it. Then repeat.

I can tell you from a very recent and powerful personal experience that when you FINALLY find your "calling" in life, it will feel like such a strong drive, you'll think you've been possessed. You'll have that pep in your step, a reason to get up early. Life won't suddenly be perfect, and you will make mistakes, but you'll have found a direction and now simply have to take the steps.

[livewell]

Originally Posted by rocksupreme

The reason you can't change is very simple: you haven't learned to accept yourself as you are yet.

Every time you think about changing something, you are denying it's present reality. Learn to deal with what is going on right here and now first. then you can worry about potentials.

You want to change yourself? Even if you succeed, you will never be satisfied with your changes until you can accept yourself as you are.

Profound. Thanks for this.

[philipnet]

Originally Posted by Stephen0001

Most of what I've read ... has made a point to say - everything starts with finding your purpose in life. I've tried for years to write myself a perfect mission statement.. but they are always flawed..

Everything might start with find your purpose; but finding your purpose is not the way to start.


It sounds like you are tripping up over yourself and stopping yourself from getting where you need to go next. In your post I see everything from self-sabotage to procrastination, fear of failure to perfectionism.


I've taken the approach (and I can't remember when I started this) that changing the concious mind is a pain in the butt and it's better to go around it and change/re-program the other-than-concious mind.


I don't know what you've tried, but you could try Nightgale Conant's website (UK: Nightingale Conant .COM: Nightingale Conant ) and find their "free 24 page, 7-step goal-setting template". If you put in your details they will call you to arrange a free 30-minute coaching call with one of their professional coaches. I've found that to be really good value and has helped me focus on my core strengths and the next steps I can take to achieve various goals. You will also pick-up tips and techniques on how to be your own coach in the future.

[Apollo]

Originally Posted by Stephen0001

I have read every book out there when it comes to taking control of your life.. Napoleon Hill,.. Carnegie etc.

Though I'm still young ( early 20s.. ). I started reading these books years ago and although I've made progress, I am so unhappy with where I am. Most of what I've read, including Steve Pavlina, has made a point to say - everything starts with finding your purpose in life.

I've tried for years to write myself a perfect mission statement.. but they are always flawed.. And after two or three days of working really hard, I say " well if it's not a perfect plan.. then why the hell does it matter anyway? " and I give up.

I write in a journal every night, and for literally years I have been very unhappy with my lack of effort. It's as if I read just enough self help, positive thinking books to keep myself going " oh.. Steve you can do anything!.. you have so much potential! , but I've never put forth enough effort. My mind is saying " You can do anything if you work hard", but I just don't do it.. What the hell?

When I tell people this they say to chill out and relax! After all I'm only 23.. " You're so young... there's so much time for you left!" But I feel otherwise. I know my time is running out.. and I just wish I would finally change.

Anyone else going through this? It's like I'm always looking for another article or book that's going to change my life and get me into action.. but I've read them all and still can't seem to break that barrier of "waiting". When I look back on my journals from 3-4 years ago where I wrote " I HAVE TO CHANGE!! NOW!!" .. and realize I've really done very little towards that end, it's depressing as hell and makes me wonder what is wrong with me.

Just like to say your definitely not going through this alone, your post totally resonates with my current situation and shares many similarities...we are even the same age!

I too like yourself am fiercely harsh on myself over personal achievement or lack of, every single day I spend most of my time reading articles on how I can change but getting nowhere, I invest so much energy into this but with no return it is utterly exhausting emotionally.

I like yourself feel that unless I know EXACTLY where i'm going or how i'm going to go about a task i'll make a half assed attempt so I dont even bother...its going to take a lot to let go of that and just start things and see where they end up, outcome dependance...we rely on it and have to let go!

[RT Wolf]

Pavlina had an insight: goals aren't about getting the things that you specify in the goals, but about becoming the kind of person who gets those goals. The personal growth. Well, you have to become a goal-achiever. You can become someone who changes quickly and easily.

[Stephen0001]

Maybe I just think TOO much. Maybe a person who spends so much time thinking about his great dreams and motivations and desires will still come in second to someone who just does the work. I mean if my goal was to become a great pianist.. right now I bet I would spend hours, days, maybe weeks figuring out the perfect plan; everything I'd need to do to become great.... That's what a lot of self help books tell you right.. It's all about writing down your emotions and feelings and plans and deadlines..

but what if I just said " ok.. I like music.. and it's probably smarter for me to just start practicing something than think about all the whys and whens.. "

Bruce Lee said " if you think about something too much, you'll never do it. I think that's my problem. I used music as an example, but my passion is martial arts.. and I do have desire to practice.
What happens is my brain goes to " oh, but what if you aren't practicing perfectly?" .. or " but what if you don't become the perfect martial artist?" what if.. what if.. what if.. Maybe I should just shut my brain off. As americans we are taught to constantly question everything, but wouldn't it be better to just work 99 percent of the time, and ask questions the other 1 percent? Not the other way around? I'd like to come up with some solid sentence I can hold in my mind that encourages me to work INSTEAD of think!

YouTube - Mad TV Bob Newhart Skit - Mo Collins - Stop it

this skit comes to mind.. maybe there is some truth to it. Maybe we just think too damn much and dwell on things that wouldn't even exist if we would just concentrate on something productive. Your mind can only focus on one thing at a time right.. Why even think about negative things?

[Stephen0001]

Really though.. What if we were talking about getting more dates with women. A normal guy goes up to a girl at the mall whom he thinks is cute.. He summons up his courage only to hear " no thanks" in return. So he walks away and thinks for minutes or hours or maybe even days about what he did wrong.. whats wrong with him.. why hes not good enough.. why she said no. In reality, wouldn't it be a hell of a lot smarter and more efficient to just shrug it off, allow yourself literally no more than 20 seconds to ask yourself what you could do better next time, then go ask another girl!

I don't care who you are.. any guy would get a date with a cute girl within a day or two with this method. We seem to have some barrier that makes us think of silly, meaningless things as crucial and devastating. I don't mean to get off topic here, because to me it's the same issue. Which is :We think too much.

Asking out women is a perfect example because we
- see a beautiful girl whom we would like to talk to
- start THINKING
- ruin everything by thinking.. " oh she's too beautiful.. oh im not good enough.. oh blah blah blah "

There shouldn't be any thinking there.. just

-beautiful girl.. i'll go walk up and talk with her

then.. she says yes? great!
she says no.. " oh well, im going to think about why for no more than 20 seconds because IT HARDLY MATTERS"

I should stop worrying about why and how.. and just DO
What if you could train your mind to cut out all the unnecessary, counter productive thoughts?



Thinking = not all its cracked up to be.. : )

Someone prove me wrong!

[MasterD]

You have trained your surroundings how to deal with you.

As soon as you make a bit of progress, your surroundings pull you back, because they treat you as the old you and this affects your self-image again.

That's why change is so hard. You do not only have to change yourself (which is difficult in itself), but you also have to retrain your surroundings.

Also your surroundings will actively resist your change. When you change the things they use to manipulate you stop working and they don't like that. They try to pull you back to the old spot so that they can manipulate you again as they are used to. Often they succeed. Sometimes you make a breakthrough, however. This is a time where you often leave old friends behind and start seeing more other people.

This is why it is so good to leave your normal surroundings every now and then for an extended period of time. Then you only have to deal with yourself until you know people long enough in your new surroundings so that they again start to resist your change.

[Plays With Life]

Originally Posted by Stephen0001

Which is :We think too much.

I think what you're saying with your example is that we think about the wrong things. We think thoughts that are counterproductive, like you said later. The thoughts we're thinking in some situations restrict and inhibit us. I don't think it follows that we think "too much". ie, if those thoughts were all productive and encouraging thoughts, would you say the guy was thinking too much, still?

[Stephen0001]

Well shouldn't encouraging, positive thoughts be the 1 percent of our lives? The 5 or 10 minutes when we wake up, or right before we go to sleep after a long day. No more than that though. The rest of our day should be action.. constant action, leaving no time for doubting thoughts, or yes any thoughts.. even positive ones.. because they don't have anything to do with the task at hand. And they don't really do anything anyway...they are like gas for our cars. They fill up our tank, but they don't get us anywhere by themselves.

If you wanted to be a pianist.. wouldn't it be better to instead of reading an encouraging article or book for 30 minutes, to just clear your mind and practice another 30 minutes? I am all for positive thoughts, but we should cut down "thinking" and "motivating" ourselves to a bare minimum. Otherwise it wastes time where we could be improving something.


That's my theory at least... it's nice for me to be able to hear different, intelligent thoughts on the subject.
Thanks everyone

[Plays With Life]

I'm not sure we're thinking of "thinking" in the same way. (If you know what I mean ). When I think of thinking, it's actually an action. It's one form of action. Walking down the street, jacking up a car, solving a problem. They're all action. The last one is a thought action rather than a physical action. You're talking about music and martial arts, which involve mostly physical action. I think what you're saying definitely has merit .. doing it as much as possible is the way to get good at it. But what about the skill of programming, for example? I couldn't imagine getting good at programming by minimizing thinking. The skill is all about thinking. Math is another example. To get good at those things, you have to do them as much as possible too. So, thinking as much as possible is critical! That's kind of where I'm coming from.

Also, once a musician has the skill of Playing music down pat, and they want to start composing music - that's an all-thinking skill, isn't it?

Also, I actually think that a physical action IS thinking. You're thinking about moving your body in a particular way. Throwing a punch involves thinking.

[Stephen0001]

: ) Hey! Ok so.. you used an example of a musician " once they have playing music down pat", then they start thinking! That makes me think.. doesn't it take a huge, huge amount of time for someone to become a really great pianist. I mean thousands of hours.. years. I completely agree that thought is very necessary.. but what percent of your time should be spent on thought alone? If you were learning to play the piano, even if you read a great article on piano techniques, it would take days or weeks to integrate it. So reading a second article would be pointless until you've made what you've learned already a habit so it stays with you. That's what I mean when I say "just thinking".. Reading to me is thought without action. You are "learning" something without physically "doing" it... or "integrating" it into your life.

hah please bare with me because I relate everything in life to martial arts or music ^_^

you make an excellent point

[Plays With Life]

Actually, reading to me isn't really thinking. It's more like being told things by another person. When I'm reading I pause reading every now and then, when I come across an interesting point, and think about it for a second. Those pauses are thinking, when I've stopped reading for a second. I've stopped reading to let myself think for a few minutes.

About how much time should be spent on thought? It depends on thought about what. I see thought kind of surrounding all the action I do. Pre-action, there's thought that leads up to deciding what to do. Post-action, there may or may not be reflection on the the thing I just did, or on the whole set of things I did in the past hour session or whatever. A Tae Kwon Do instructor I had sometimes encouraged us to do a "self-evaluation" after every class we had. To look back over what we had done and just "see" it, so we would notice where we might be able to improve, notice the things that we did well that we could be proud of, and notice which areas we weren't really confident with and needed more practice around. So I think that's a useful kind of post-action thought. Also, once I have some measure of skill at something, ie programming, I love to just sit and think about what I might be able to do with the skill. I imagine all the different things that might be possible, how I would go about doing them if I decided to do them, and what it would be like to do them. Also with martial arts, I would enjoy imagining some combination of moves. ie, could I do a spin off the wall then kick it before I landed?? Then trying those things I had thought up. That for me is just a pleasant kind of thinking. That's also the kind of thinking I was imagining with composing music. I don't compose music, but I imagine it goes something like that

[coLLege kid07]

I think I know where you're coming from. While I didn't necessary read everything you wrote I think I know what you're going through. My suggestion is work on changing your thoughts (I know you've heard this a million times). But if what you try to do doesn't work why not try something else. (yes I was stuck at this statement a long time myself). What I did is tried out some other methods specifically steve's article How to Squash Negative Thought Patterns and that helped me out a lot. It helped me get deeper than the surface thoughts we all have and also helps to reprogram your subconscious. Again If you find that what you're doing isn't working try something else. Good luck.