realizing I have f*'d people over...

[pyrogen]

I have been realizing some very painful stuff in my latest work...

Basically, I have been realizing lately, in the wake of my most recent relationship coming to an end, that I have left a trail of wreckage behind me.

I always saw myself as the wronged party - I don't want to go on and on but I always made it out so that my partner was horribly controlling, or negative, or such. I did it with my most recent partner. I've painted him in such awful ways without realizing even how I contributed to the situation. I slandered my previous relationships online and to my friends/family, too, I didn't even see this as a wrong behavior. "Doesn't everyone talk about their partner?"

I never saw how I created the relationships as they were. Set it up so that my family/friends would end up sided against my partners. I never really saw how my own behaviors contributed to the relationship. If confronted I wouldl just play dumb, act like the wounded party... but I really did feel like the wounded party. Fact is that I created my entire experience of how he was when with me. And my exes previous, too.

Basically I am one of those people whose exes end up hating them. Most of them do. I am sure that my ex-husband probably feels that I ruined his life.

I never really seem to see why while i'm doing it. I never really see how I am being a user, a liar, acting in unloving ways, et cetera while i am doing it. I never see my own contribution in the middle of the relationship. It's especially hard when I have people in my life who will take my side no matter how bad I am being, when I seem to be good at portraying things in a way so that other people will always take my side and side against the other person.

But I am so scared that I will do it again. I know that I am not going to make right with this one, he put up with me for two years... and nothing changed. I don't know what to do. I am seeing so many ways in which I was wrong, but I don't know what to do.

I feel I need to do SOMETHING. I don't know why, or what. I am feeling very sad at the moment, knowing I have f*ked people over, but the problem with promising I won't do it again is that I never saw how I was doing it, and I'm sure if I were in the middle of the same situation again I would still twist things in my mind so that I can justify everything I do.

I am also realizing that I was in a group of very morally questionable people, in the rules of their universe I was a-okay. I never really saw outside of their world. I never saw that anyone thought any differently.

I don't know where to go from here. I feel sick.

[Angela Leeds]

Sounds like a great crossroads, pyro... as sucky as it feels to be there. But what an awesome beginning -- you have awareness.

Often it's not possible to share your awareness and express your remorse to those you've wronged in the past, but you can move forward and set the intention to make new decisions.

It's embarrassing to realize your errors, but... it's good, too. We've all been there. Just think of the new territory you can start forge with your current and future relationships!

[pyrogen]

The scary part though is that I DON'T have awareness. I've usually known after the fact. After it was pointed out to me. My partner began to feel (I gather) like he was in this weird parallel dimension where he was this awful person. I'd do things that would result in the affinity/trust/closeness in the relationship dropping, then I'd feel lonely and go complain to people and get my closeness needs met that way. I always felt totally justified. I did SO much that was wrong, but am also realizing I've f*ked other people over as well. I would just make the other person the bad guy and leave. My most recent relationship pretty much played out exactly like the one before, with everyone believing my partner is this abusive ******.

[yossarian]

apologize to them

its a bitter medicine to apologize, but it works. Like Buckleys.

[RT Wolf]

Yea, you may wish to go back and apologize to all your earlier partners. After that, you might want to ask wehre this pattern came from. Perhaps you inherited it from your parents?

Getting the Love You Want by Harville Hendrix may help you figure out this pattern.

[tintin]

i admire your courage pyrogen.
though,dont let that stop you from continuing what youve begun

dont know if going back and apologizing is the thing to do.tho the really bad cases are exceptions.
just be with yourself for a bit.see the shadows.accept them and forgive yourself.
you are not ALL bad.and you are not ALL good.youre a bit of both.sugar n spice

if you have realized that a certain part of you needs changing it would be better to come from self acceptance rather than guilt.
because only in love can real release happen.
love yourself,for that is the only way to real change.else swinging from one extreme to another will happen.drastic measures to redeem will happen.

one is learning and releasing and accepting .thats moving on and coming closer and closer to the real you.

[TiffyLove]

I think being aware of it is the first step, even if it is afterwards.

Maybe you need to slow down and bit and be more conscious "in the now".

Work on building integrity to yourself right now. In the long run it will pay off with your partners (business or personal). Example, if you tell yourself you are going to go to bed by 11:00p.m. then go to bed by 11. This will lead to integrity and self trust.

Also in regards to integrity, you can start by questions every single thing you do. Even if only for a day, you question every little step you take with "Am I doing this for the right reasons," or "Is this the right thing to do?" Example when choosing what to eat, when to get out of bed, how long your in the shower, what shampoo to buy, to pick up a pencil or a pen to write with, EVERYTHING, etc. It may sound pointless but if you can really start to expand your mind to look at "the place in which you make decisions from" and if it is serving you or not, you might just be surprised one day when before you go to act or say something in a relationship your minds pops in with "Am I doing this for the right reason or what is the right thing to do here?"

A lot of people may disagree with this exercise because of the argument of right versus wrong and good versus bad is judgment and for some removing judgment is a goal, for myself included. However this is more about making yourself aware of your decision making process and having integrity when doing so. Later you could remove the judgment of right and replace it with "is this aligned with who I am", but as of now I believe it would be more beneficial for you to use the world right because of where you are at. But then that is just my opinion.

Try it for one day and if you could manage that do it for a week, then forget about the exercise all together. It can't hurt. And if you decide to try it, I would love to hear about your experience or if you have any questions.

[RT Wolf]

This is what unconsciousness does. If you're not conscious of what games you're playing--of what you're doing, you can be doing stuff that's against your best interests or conscious choices.

The other thing to realize is that you're hurting people nad things all the time, just as a matter of course. This is a tough cookie, I haven't been able to crack it yet. What sort of impact should I have on the world? I'm already having a huge impact, just to sustain my life such as food, water, computer, energy, etc.

[Chillax]

how did I know just by reading the first couple of sentences you were a woman?

[pyrogen]

Chillax:

cool because people for some reason usually think I'm a dude.

[Angela Leeds]

Originally Posted by pyrogen

The scary part though is that I DON'T have awareness. I've usually known after the fact. After it was pointed out to me. My partner began to feel (I gather) like he was in this weird parallel dimension where he was this awful person. I'd do things that would result in the affinity/trust/closeness in the relationship dropping, then I'd feel lonely and go complain to people and get my closeness needs met that way. I always felt totally justified. I did SO much that was wrong, but am also realizing I've f*ked other people over as well. I would just make the other person the bad guy and leave. My most recent relationship pretty much played out exactly like the one before, with everyone believing my partner is this abusive ******.

Well, you have awareness that *something* you're doing is having an effect you don't want... sounds like that's at least an improvement from where you were before, not even knowing that.

It's a start. Go into the next relationship more consciously. Talk about it. Do some journaling to see if you can find the thread that connects your actions to the results you no longer wish to create...

It's a journey. You'll start finding your way down the path, if you seek it out & pay attention.

[Holistic Star]

Pyrogen,

I admire your honesty in this post. Like Angela says, you've got a great opportunity here now to change. Yes it won't be instant. But keep checking in. Am I acting in my best interests here? Am I acting like the best version of me would? And take those baby steps ....

The first step is awareness of the problem. Even being aware after the fact is great because you can now take that awareness with you.

Even if you don't have a romantic relationship right now, I'll bet that this pattern shows up in your life in many ways with friends and parents. You'll be playing different roles in it too. Sometimes you'll be the one being frozen out, sometimes you'll be the sympathetic friend that doesn't help by encouraging the behaviour, and other times you'll be the role you identify now.

Can you see that pattern showing up in your life in many different forms? Have a look ( you might have to be creative), because often when we have a problem, we play it out in many ways until we fix it.

[BlackoutsBox]

This is good - you are becoming aware. It isn't an automatic change, it happenes gradually and increases over time. Now that you realize what you have been doing, and are having a dialog with yourself about it, be a silent observer behind yourself and notice when you do things on automatic. You will catch yourself doing the same thing again, probably multiple times, and you must stay aware, and say to youself in your head, "oh look, I am trying to manipulate this again.. ok.. step back.. what is the truth of this...".

By doing that you will be able to make changes and correct your 'automatic' and unaware behavior that is not serving you or others.

Good luck!

- Blackout -

[Asmoday]

Its a response chain, Pyro.

You have to trace it back to its origins if you want to correct it, and in awareness, over-ride it's promptings as you do that.

But, you shouldn't fault yourself and feel regret -- remember, they attracted a partner who would treat them that way, as part of their own dance, their own response chains. Inevitably, they will either continue to attract these people, OR, you will be part of the chain of events that gets them, one day, to stop and examine themselves as you have done.

The only regret you should have is one of neglect -- neglecting your best potential to not break these chains until now.

Remember, destruction has purpose.

[rocksupreme]

We all screw others over - whether we mean to or not. Don't be too hard on yourself.

One of the hardest things to do is to forgive yourself for all the "evils" you punish yourself for. Just let it go. If you can forgive others, you can forgive yourself.

Beating yourself up over the past is a sure way to deprive yourself of experiencing the present.

[Cristal Lilly]

I have some practical advice, if you care for it..
basically, every time you feel like you have been wronged, like you need to complain to a friend, or even like you've just been slightly ticked off and your mind put it on some invisible 'to complain about later when it adds up' list, don't go to your friends. keep a journal. keep it every day. think of it as your best friend in the whole world. write in it aaaaaall about all of it. let it all out there. the way you want to, the manipulated version. then when you calm down, you can go over it and look for your pattern and distinguish what was true and what is you playing the helpless wronged victim.

it could be just me, but I think it would help. that with time, you don't need to let steam out first and then analyse to see how this situation could've looked without this distortion, but instead (with the already mentioned time) you'll be able to be in that situation and know it and make yourself see it for what it is.

I hope this is somewhat practical to you.