Is there anything I can do to help my brother?

[Mom2boys]

I have an older brother who has really low self-esteem and low power. He grew up always doing as he's told, and has always been the "good one" compared to me & my sister. He's not the smartest person in the world, but he's got a good heart. Now he's miserable and stuck in a job he absolutely hates but doesn't think he can quit because he's got no other alternative on what else he can do. He really wants to start his own business doing something he loves but has no clue what and where to even begin. Part of the reason he wants to start a business is to prove to everyone that he can do something and he's not as worthless as what everyone thinks he is. He's married to a rather head-strong woman that is raising their 2 (and soon to be 3) children to be brats. I don't think my brother knows any better and just goes along with what she wants. To make things worse, he lives in an Asian country where families are very tight-knit and everybody's in your business and your "elders" are always telling you what to do. Conformity is big over there and doing anything outside the norm makes you unaccepted. So in his eyes, he's kinda stuck where he's at and there's nothing he can do.

I live halfway across the world from him and quickly got out of that environment as soon as I can. It's hard for me to see him go through what he's going through because I don't know what to tell him. I live a great life doing what I love and earning a living doing something that fulfills me. I know what I would do if I was in his situation, but that's just me. And he's not me. He doesn't like "ruffling feathers" and prefers to just lay low.
How do you tell someone to quit having a victim mentality and take control of their lives when they already feel like crap? He needs to do a lot of soul-searching to figure out what he really wants to happen in his life, but it will also entail a lot of courage to actually follow through with it to make it happen.

So is there anything I can do or should I just let him figure things out for himself?

[magi13]

why don't you get him a copy of steve's book for starters.

then you can tell him to make a mind map of what he wishes to do. you can google search mindmaping.

[RT Wolf]

Link him Courage to Live Consciously.

You could also invite him to live with you for a bit? as a vacation/getting reaquainted time or somin? Your example could serve him well?

[Mom2boys]

Well, I have thought of sending him Steve's book. But I don't know if he'll read it. He's certainly not the deep introspective type. He doesn't own any books at all. He spends his "play" money collecting toys, gadgets, movies, games and electronic stuff. I don't know if it's right to say that he lives life on the surface. He's always looking to things/activities/people to entertain him. He can't even spend a lazy afternoon just lying around with his family and enjoying the moment. He has to be doing something, shopping, watching a movie, making the kids watch movies, surfing the net, etc. I don't even know if he has his own beliefs or convictions and can defend them himself without crumbling down the minute anybody challenges it. Even though he's turning 36 soon, he's still very much a kid at heart. Still looking outside of himself for guidance or to be told what to do.

So you guys think Steve's book will help him? I mean, the title alone might turn him off since he doesn't think he's smart at all. lol!

[ns123]

It sounds as if you are wanting to help your brother, but he is unwilling to help himself by self reflection, reaching out for more information, etc.

It sounds as if he's looking for some magical solution that does not involve him re-examining his life and making some changes. He cannot turn his life around by closing himself off to new ideas - or by listening to only certain ideas.

So what can you do, as a person who loves him and wants the best for him? Nothing. Love him, accept him, keep telling him that he has the power and the choice to change it. Until he is ready to take the steps himself, you can take no action but to love him and give him your time.

I am in the same situation as you too, with some people in my family that I love. If only they would X, Y, Z... but they are not willing to. So there is nothing I can do but love them and pray for them.

[timothydrake]

send him the movie Gran Torino. he sounds alot like the asian main character.

[sirkinm]

It's really sweet that you want to reach out to your bro. Don't assume the worst though -- even though you wouldn't like his lifestyle, he may not be suffering like you would be. I'm sure he has his moments of quiet, moments of connection with his headstrong wife, and moments of appreciation for the place that he lives.

It's hard to see our loved ones suffer, and we often want to force their eyes open so they can see things like we do. But it's important to give people space to have their own experience, even if their evolution appears to be much slower than your own. Even though your bro might be a bit closed down, I'm sure he has all types of hidden sides, some of which give him satisfaction and contentment. Afterall, not everyone in that stifling Asian nation can possibly be miserable (unless it's N. Korea, I guess), even though the lifestyle didn't suit you.

You're obviously one to claim her power, but even if your brother's not, maybe the universe (or spirit or god or whatever you want) has him on exactly the right path anyway.

That's not to say you shouldn't reach out when you get the chance!