Looking for advice on a problem I have doing things I don't care about

[DJCT]

I have a problem that I've come to regard lately as a hidden force shaping much of my life. I'm not sure what to think about it and I was hoping to get some feedback from others. This concerns the school and work/business aspects of my life but ultimately I believe it is a matter of character.

The problem is my ability to do things that I don't care about. If I don't care about something it is like I have a physical or psychological problem engaging it. It isn't a matter of willpower or "getting over myself" as some friends/relatives have suggested. My brain just outright refuses to engage in it. I can't concentrate on whatever it is. I become dumb and lethargic and feel dead inside.

If it is something I care about however, I can marshal internal resources not normally available to me. It doesn't matter if it is brutally difficult, time consuming or whatever. My energy goes through the roof, all my abilities are maximized and I feel alive.

I barely made it out of school because none of the topics were remotely of interest to me and I couldn't engage. As I got older the problem followed me into my work.

Although I've managed to gain the appearance of outward success, it has come at a cost. Forcing myself to do things I don't care about repeatedly, thinking that the solution was to suck it up like everybody else, has created many health problems. I recover from those. The bigger cost is that inventing new ways to trick myself into doing what I need to do over the years has pulled me so far away from truth, honesty and clarity that I've fallen out of touch with myself.

Has anybody struggled with this?

If I talk to people about it they just say something like "That's what life is: doing things you don't like. Over and over again. Everybody feels that way and you're no different. You just have to learn to suck it up like everybody else."

This seems like a pretty lame approach to life and I think it's a lie that people perpetuate because it helps them feel good about the crappy concessions they've made in life.

Even if it was 100% true and accurate however, this is not even something I have a choice in. The part of me that refuses to engage in things I don't care about is not something I can control.

As I get older, this problem is cutting off my options in life one by one. I'm having trouble at work because I really don't care about what I'm doing. I can hop jobs and ride the initial excitement of learning new things but once that wears off I'm back at square one. It is basically motivation by pain and avoidance vs. motivation out of authentic desire or love for something. Not good!

That trick is getting stale anyway. Besides, I'm simply getting tired of tricking myself. I value honesty and truth more as time goes on. And the more I move towards truth, the more I feel like a coward for living the way I have. And the prospect of continuing to live this way pisses me off.

In a way, I'm not sure if this problem is actually a good thing that I just haven't recognized the value of yet. But in terms of living a "normal" life, it is really becoming an overwhelming issue. And I have no idea what to do with it. Any insight or suggestions?

[Eric Roosevelt]

Originally Posted by DJCT

I'm having trouble at work because I really don't care about what I'm doing. I can hop jobs and ride the initial excitement of learning new things but once that wears off I'm back at square one.

Square one, here I come, here I come, square one!

Originally Posted by DJCT

Any insight or suggestions?

If you're having trouble engaging in something then chances are you're simply not engaging in things that you care about. The best thing is probably to examine - not the superficial stuff (e.g. your job, your relationship status etc.) - but your life purpose. What do you really want to achieve during your short time here on planet earth? That's not an easy question to answer, but it's one that we all ultimately will have to face.

How much physical exercise do you do? What's your diet like, and your sleeping habits? Sometimes it's hard to feel motivated about things when your basic physical needs aren't being met.

I'm afraid to say that your friends probably aren't completely wrong, either. Life is often random and/or boring. A lot of the time life is about just pushing on, no matter what happens.

[Raymond Burton]

DJCT, I feel what you're saying. Like you I'm often torn between sucking it up and going where the money is or doing things I don't want for sheer survival. I've also taken the route of 'dropping out and exploring why I'm here'.

The only thing I have learned is that accepting 'what you don't like' is giving up. If you give up, then you're just surviving and then you die. Big whoop...that was, well, a waste.

All you can do is never give up looking for passion in all areas of life and while you are doing that... do what you NEED to in order to provide for yourself. Then, when you find where you are supposed to be, you can jump ship and pursue it without delay.

I wish I had all the answers for you but I guess that would be like skipping to the ending and never enjoying the story wouldn't it?

[RT Wolf]

Yes. I've dealt with this problem and so has Pavlina. Check out his Courage to Live Consciously article. Then go to the blog archives page and Ctrl-F for "career" and check out the articles. You can also check out the 4-Hour Work week.

To live a truly engaged life, you've to figure out what makes it that way. Personally, I think that goals that challenge/scare you are a key component, as does, I think, Pavlina.

[SimonaRich]

Struggle is always a sign of going against the flow. Strangely enough I have just recommended my article in another thread, but I think it suits here too:

Going Against The Flow of Life

When you love doing something, it is easy for you to focus on that one activity it benefits you. However when you catch yourself struggling with something, it always means that you are going against the flow.

Whenever you struggle with something, you do not focus enough on that task. You do not put enough energy into that task therefore it always produces poor results. Your struggle later on manifests as something negative.

I see from your article that you somewhat felt this, maybe only on unconscious level.

If you could only do what you love, and not worry about what you are supposed to do, everything will fall into place.

I know that you might say that you have to pay the bills and so on, but there are many things I need to explain here, you can find all the answers in my article.

[shy talk]

Originally Posted by DJCT

The problem is my ability to do things that I don't care about. If I don't care about something it is like I have a physical or psychological problem engaging it. It isn't a matter of willpower or "getting over myself" as some friends/relatives have suggested. My brain just outright refuses to engage in it. I can't concentrate on whatever it is. I become dumb and lethargic and feel dead inside.

If it is something I care about however, I can marshal internal resources not normally available to me. It doesn't matter if it is brutally difficult, time consuming or whatever. My energy goes through the roof, all my abilities are maximized and I feel alive.

DJCT

By chance, do you know what personality type (MBTI) you are? In your post you describe me and my life almost to a 'T'. I have been described as 'not very bright' and 'flippant' 'lazy' etc in my day job from time to time, usually by regimented so-called 'leader' types, but in other areas that interest me I've been described as (and I'm not making this up) 'unbelievably resourceful' 'a true and unique talent' and the best one....'able to single-handedly move mountains'

Now I am none of the above!! It is just a matter of when I'm engaged and when I'm not and who I am engaging with.

Would you agree though that unfortunately it's that things you aren't engaged with that make the money? Thereby forcing you to become engged even when your mind and body is saying 'Run Away!'

[DJCT]

Hey Shy Talk,

Sounds like we're on the same page. I remember I had some jobs where I was considered a total imbecile and ridiculed. At one point in school I thought I had a learning disability but I was afraid to make a big deal over it. Did you ever get "has potential but doesn't apply himself/herself" on your report card? I don't think I ever got a report card or progress report that DIDN'T have those words on it.

I am able, like you, to draw on huge resources when it is something I care about. I know I'm not dumb or lazy and I don't have any disability. Overall though this problem has proved to be a constant obstacle to living a normal life and created a lot of pent up frustration. I'd be dead meat without a sense of humor!

BTW - it is funny when people say "try harder". Would you tell a deaf person to simply listen harder in order to hear? But people that don't have the problem wouldn't understand so I don't let their comments bother me. Mostly they're just trying to help. When I'm engaged it's no problem to work intensely for 15 or 16 hours straight and still feel fairly fresh--like I still have a few more good hours in me. This is completely normal for me. I'd like to see them try that

I've taken a battery of assessments such as Myers-Briggs over the years. I don't remember the results in detail though. I know I've taken given assessments 2x and gotten different results each time so I'm not sure how much I trust their accuracy. Or maybe it is my ability to be honest in answering the questions that I don't trust. I'm sure I've fudged some of the answers for the sake of vanity in the past.

Yeah so far it seems like most of the things that make money are not things I really care about.

[JackTP]

A lack of character or a lack of purpose?

I have had these excact same thoughts and I agree with others here that it is SO important to take time to think about what you really want out of life. That way whatever you do to sustain your living will be more tolerable as long as you have your goals in sight.

I feel very much on the same page as Tim Ferris in 4 Hour Workweek, in that I see a big part of my life purpose to continue learning new skills and have new experiences. Not neccesarily as in academic learning.

[Brutha]

What do you care about?

Doing what you care about might mean that you will have a lower paycheck, but do you care about having a high paycheck?

What big ideas did you dream about as child?

[DJCT]

Originally Posted by Brutha

What do you care about?

Doing what you care about might mean that you will have a lower paycheck, but do you care about having a high paycheck?

What big ideas did you dream about as child?

Here is a short mind dump:

- I always wanted to write stuff that entertained and helped people.

- I always had problems with authority. I don't think other people should be telling other people how to live their lives (religion, politics, pre-made life recipes, social conditioning). I've been this way since I was a little kid, even when I couldn't name these things. It was tough being a 5y/o atheist

- In the same vein I have always desired to show people that they have so much more potential than they think they have. Not to blindly accept what is handed to them out and then subscribe to it out of fear and ignorance. I believe that people are better when they learn to trust their own authority and flourish as people.

- I always liked building stuff w/ legos. I'm a programmer (and closet entrepreneur) now and it is basically the same thing to me.

The hardest part has been that although I knew these things on some level, I pushed them back and disconnected from them. Connecting with them appeared to make me different and isolate me. So I've been trying to live a regular life. But those values run deep. And I feel like trying to live the regular life is so incongruent with them that I physically or mentally can't engage in certain things that, on some level, appear to contradict them.

It has just been recently that I've started to see these things at play so I guess I've been using this thread to help me sort it out. I appreciate all the feedback. Thanks to anybody that takes the time to read this ranting and respond.

The hardest part now is that even though I have started to acknlowedge these values and how significant they are for me... I don't have the courage to act profoundly. I'm taking baby steps. I feel like I have a direction. I have a message. I have 2 mediums I have been working through. I feel that baby steps are not enough. But fear is holding me back.

Like Brutha and others have alluded to... $$$$ is a concern. No getting around the fact that you need at least some $$. That being said, I have quit a job before simply because it drained me, even though I had no other prospects. Everybody said I was crazy because it was a sweet gig. But I trusted myself.

I started a business and even though it started to gain momentum I kept rejecting it mentally because it wasn't a good fit. So I mothballed it after a few months and got another J.O.B. I quickly bounced back financially, actually making about 20% more than before. I traded up to another job and make even more. I've despised almost every minute of work since however. In a way, the extra money doesn't really mean that much to me. I see that my motivation for money only extends from fear. It is not something I actively move towards.

Anyway... wow, I didn't intend to write so much so I'm gonna stop here

[Thorsbolt]

You are someone that has the requirements of nature to do what you were born to. In other words, you are not meant to be the zombie that the rest of the world is.
here's the greatest thing I can give- Do one thing- just one-
Take a moment or two -
Ask yourself - "what is the greatest thing that my life could be, without limitation or restriction?"
Avoid the thought, " that can't happen" or any other limiting belief. Just let your imagination and heart run wild- because in your wildness and imagination is found your purpose and the magic of your future. Great trust in your value and the fact that you are loved by your creator is involved in this process. A letting go of perceived security is also typically involved. You may be required to leave your present prison of a job, the trabsition may be more gentle. It is specific to your life. But- ask the question with emotion and vision, and yyou will set into motion the forces of the universe that you were born to control.
Love.....

[Angela]

Stop doing things you don't care about, or start caring about things you do.

How long are you going to be at the effect of external circumstance? When are you going to be cause in the matter of who you are and what kind of life you live?

[Michael Chui]

Originally Posted by DJCT

Did you ever get "has potential but doesn't apply himself/herself" on your report card? I don't think I ever got a report card or progress report that DIDN'T have those words on it.

I got that from a girl who I was in love with. That was how she said no.

My solution was simple: find a goal that I believed in that would take longer than my lifetime. A challenge that was both worth doing and so difficult that it was literally impossible. Then go for it. Why should a little thing like impossibility stop you?

It's worked for the last eight years.

[Parthon]

Originally Posted by Angela

Stop doing things you don't care about, or start caring about things you do.

How long are you going to be at the effect of external circumstance? When are you going to be cause in the matter of who you are and what kind of life you live?

It's only human to not want to do what you don't care about. The part that most people don't realise is that what you care about is a choice. It changes over time and it's purely subjective.

You might feel that what you care about is an inherent part of you, but in truth what you care about you've chosen to care about. It's either important to you, or of interest to you, so you care about it.

If you want to enjoy what you are doing, you have to care about it, or drop it completely. How do you care about stuff? Connect with it, and love it. If it's something like cleaning or schoolwork then you have to connect with the deaper reason. You have to make the task important to you on a deeper level. Then the motivation will come naturally.

It's not about forcing yourself to do what you don't want to do, but in realising what you have to do, is really what you want to do, in the long run.

[Crash]

Originally Posted by DJCT

Here is a short mind dump:

- I always wanted to write stuff that entertained and helped people.

- I always had problems with authority. I don't think other people should be telling other people how to live their lives (religion, politics, pre-made life recipes, social conditioning). I've been this way since I was a little kid, even when I couldn't name these things. It was tough being a 5y/o atheist

- In the same vein I have always desired to show people that they have so much more potential than they think they have. Not to blindly accept what is handed to them out and then subscribe to it out of fear and ignorance. I believe that people are better when they learn to trust their own authority and flourish as people.

- I always liked building stuff w/ legos. I'm a programmer (and closet entrepreneur) now and it is basically the same thing to me.

That and your problem is a perfect description of me. So, you're not alone. I haven't found a solution, either. Of course I could dump my current job and life and start all over again if I was the only person I'd be responsible for. Only I'm not. I have a family to care about and that's really something I actually do care about (and I'm good at it, yay!). So taking a dump on my boss' desk and telling him, he can shove it up his is not an option at the moment because I need the €€ to support my wife and children.

But I can feel that it's killing me, slowly, but surely.

[magi13]

If you don't care about that things you're currently doing, that's fine. Just focus on it or concentrate on it. You'll be able to solve them.

[DJCT]

Originally Posted by Crash

That and your problem is a perfect description of me. So, you're not alone. I haven't found a solution, either. Of course I could dump my current job and life and start all over again if I was the only person I'd be responsible for. Only I'm not. I have a family to care about and that's really something I actually do care about (and I'm good at it, yay!). So taking a dump on my boss' desk and telling him, he can shove it up his is not an option at the moment because I need the €€ to support my wife and children.

But I can feel that it's killing me, slowly, but surely.

I have not started a family because I know that I would be a dead man if I ever found myself in this situation. (Not to mention that marriage seems a dangerous proposition to begin with.) I do not envy you. I think there is hope to find a way through it though. Pay attention to the things that attract you, no matter how small. Little by little you'll build your ability to connect with your desires and your path will become available to you.

[shy talk]

Originally Posted by DJCT

Here is a short mind dump:

- I always wanted to write stuff that entertained and helped people.

The only problem here is that the vast majority of people don't necessarily want to be entertained and what you feel is helpful or entertaining may not fit with what the 'majority' are into. "Harry Potter" anyone? It's derivative garbage, but the writer is a multi millionaire!

- I always had problems with authority. I don't think other people should be telling other people how to live their lives (religion, politics, pre-made life recipes, social conditioning). I've been this way since I was a little kid, even when I couldn't name these things. It was tough being a 5y/o atheist

Ever met a Muslim? They think it's OK to KILL people who don't conform to an ideology so uttely ridiculous that no 5 year old (without programming) could hear it without laughing out loud, and they get angry or violent when their dogmas are even questioned, let alone criticised! Even in Western societies it's easier for the vast majority to conform than swim against the general tide.......Obama fever, anyone?

- In the same vein I have always desired to show people that they have so much more potential than they think they have. Not to blindly accept what is handed to them out and then subscribe to it out of fear and ignorance. I believe that people are better when they learn to trust their own authority and flourish as people.

Problem here of course is people don;t always want to see our lights. Power rests with conformity, and it's easier to conform. Going against this takes courage and can be a lonely road. A leader without followers is a guy taking a walk!

- I always liked building stuff w/ legos. I'm a programmer (and closet entrepreneur) now and it is basically the same thing to me.

This could be advantageous......most people in the mainstream can relate to a practical, rather than theoretical approach

The hardest part has been that although I knew these things on some level, I pushed them back and disconnected from them. Connecting with them appeared to make me different and isolate me. So I've been trying to live a regular life. But those values run deep. And I feel like trying to live the regular life is so incongruent with them that I physically or mentally can't engage in certain things that, on some level, appear to contradict them.

....and that is the problem, just because some of these things are what we see as values, doesn't mean they are accepted or even acknowledged by others........by way of example, for every James Taylor, there are thousands of musicians doing it 'their' way on unemployment! Kurt Cobain was so damaged by the effect of the music industry's need for conformity (i.e. $$) that he committed suicide!

It has just been recently that I've started to see these things at play so I guess I've been using this thread to help me sort it out. I appreciate all the feedback. Thanks to anybody that takes the time to read this ranting and respond.

The hardest part now is that even though I have started to acknlowedge these values and how significant they are for me... I don't have the courage to act profoundly. I'm taking baby steps. I feel like I have a direction. I have a message. I have 2 mediums I have been working through. I feel that baby steps are not enough. But fear is holding me back.

and that fear is totally understandable

Like Brutha and others have alluded to... $$$$ is a concern. No getting around the fact that you need at least some $$. That being said, I have quit a job before simply because it drained me, even though I had no other prospects. Everybody said I was crazy because it was a sweet gig. But I trusted myself.

I started a business and even though it started to gain momentum I kept rejecting it mentally because it wasn't a good fit. So I mothballed it after a few months and got another J.O.B. I quickly bounced back financially, actually making about 20% more than before. I traded up to another job and make even more. I've despised almost every minute of work since however. In a way, the extra money doesn't really mean that much to me. I see that my motivation for money only extends from fear. It is not something I actively move towards.

and in all honesty it's easy and glib to say things like "live without fear" "go your own way" "live your dream"........that's great if your dream pays the bills! You need your dream, some talent, a whole lot of luck, and usually some financial security or backing!

Anyway... wow, I didn't intend to write so much so I'm gonna stop here

I wish you hadn't stopped there...... you were articulating what so many of us feel on this issue

DJCT.......hope you don't mind my comments above (in red) I'm just trying to inject some of the everyday 'reality' into the discussion, rather than the usual "follow your dream / heart/ feelings stuff!

[Andrew Brunelle]

It's no surprise that most people hate their jobs. Down deep, most people do. I've been happily jobless for almost 8 months now and it's a load off my mind. I say do what engages you and see how you can make money from it. It may take years, but the time will pass either way. If you spend time over the years doing what engages you consistently, then you'll get very good at it. And if you can find a way to get people to pay you for what you do, great!

[Zerox]

But Andrew. If you don't have any money, being jobless means being homeless and starving. I think this is what most people fear (It's what I fear)
If they give up their job to do something they enjoy. Which in most cases doesn't involve ANY income, then they are slowly dooming themselves because eventually they'll have to go back to that mindnumbing ridiculous "life" they had before to not die.

Finding a way to make money on something you enjoy is something that should be taught since 1st grade in school, but then the corporations wouldn't get money from it so Boo.
It's extremely difficult to find something because we have been taught by parents and colleges and media that submitting to the will of the big dog is the way to live life. Personally I say we create a new society (You can legally LEAVE society and no longer be affected by laws.. that's pretty interesting, but if people touch you they are in violation of the human Law.)
Zeitgeist and the venus project are working on building a new society that doesn't follow the monetary system but is resource based.. (Kinda like startrek)

But lets focus on the now. How do you find a way to make money on something you enjoy? Start thinking last week. Eventually you'll find a way if you don't give up. Having a website with googleadsense etc is a good place to start. Steve talks about this too and that you have to provide Value to others. What do you have that can be valuable to others?

[Michael Chui]

Originally Posted by Zerox

But Andrew. If you don't have any money, being jobless means being homeless and starving. I think this is what most people fear (It's what I fear)

He's talking about being jobless the same way Steve Pavlina does. The term is specifically intended to invoke that fear, to make you face it, and then recognize it's not that terrible a place to look at. If only.

[Ontowhere]

Wow. everything you wrote is me.
I don't even have a word to tell you, I'd say keep on moving.
You may not now what you want yet, but you know what you don't want.
That is a good thing.
Belive it or not, I just quit a job for the same reason and I am moving next week.
The job I had was draining me, to the point were it just made no more sense to stay and the only logical thing for me to do was quit.
Now I have no idea what is coming and I love it.
Ofcourse, I am scared, but I know I did the right thing.
Love the butterflies.

[falcan]

This post really resonates with me :-) I think we have one thing in common - and that is what affects yours(and mine too), almost physical block not doing things we don't like(school, work etc.)

Hear this: Your inner voice is too strong!

We all have this inner voice, but I believe some people have it more stronger and louder than others. When we try to do something it doesn't like, your inner voice screams. It's "bad" in the "normal society" as you said, because we can't do things people expect us to do, or we CAN do them, but with really BIG struggle. We curse the inner block or voice, or whatever we call it, it doesn't allow us to live normally, its too much pain, and so on.

Look at it the other way though: long term, it really >helps< you. Imagine, your inner voice was weak and you would get over doing things you don't like pretty well. You would limit yourself to live the average life very easily. Your inner voice knows you want something more, not the "lame approach", as you said. Its like a huge compass that's been given to you that others don't own, or they have it hidden under loads of other stuff. Is it better to see that your ship is going straight towards the cliffs and be stressed out about that(having chance to correct course) or have your compass hidden, while being completely not stressed out? :-) Choose your way.

Even it creates pain for you short term, long term it will be a priceless navigator for your life that hopefully helps you to get to your life purpose. You just have to start listening to it, just take the compass and trust what it shows. If it screams, DONT DO IT. It's really important to trust this. Sure, we all have less pleasant things to do from time to time, but certainly your career or life purpose shouldn't be one of them! Aim at what you wrote you would love to do, really, take it very seriously. Others tell the opposite because most of them don't find the courage to listen to themselves. And you maybe believe them, because so many people really live like that - it looks like its the only way to live. It isn't, of course! The other way is for the few that have the courage, but thats why there is like 1% sucessfull people of all:-)

Anyway, last paragraph(sorry for the long post) - when I look at my life so far. Whenever I ignored myself, whenever I knew I'm doing what I don't really like, I was struggling, emotionally(depressions lasting days, even weeks), financially. The inner voice tortued me. Whenever I moved on, even it was risky, almost instantly I was feeling great about myself, and even financially I moved to a new level. I was struggling recently - for 1.5 year I was trying to find financing for projects in a field I really didn't want to work in. It sounds weird, but I had some initial success and so it was >expected from me< to stay in the field. I thought that I'm not a person like that anymore, but its so easy to fall in this trap of social conditioning, you don't realize that! It took that long for me to realize that I'm in that trap again + almost out of money. Sol I moved on, into something I love doing. Guess what, I was financed in 1 month from moving on! (Of course, I had to be proactive, but my new energy probably helped - and people do recognize if you are aligned with your true goals). So, the money comes in when you listen to yourself, too :-)

[SchoolisHard]

Determine if the end justifies the means and proceed.

I don't care about:

• Doing the dishes
• Cutting my fingernails
• Mowing the lawn
• Taking out the trash
• Working Overtime

Nonetheless, I want clean dishes, clean fingernails, a trim lawn, a house that doesn't stink, et al.

Realize that you need to prime the pump, and then you get what you want.

[DJCT]

Thanks all for the great responses.

[Curtis2011]

I suppose not doing things you don't care about isn't a real problem.


The actual problem is having the courage to do the things you do care about.