confused.

[Miia]

I`m not sure it`s the right forum but here goes...

I`m in this strange situation and I can`t just figure out what to do. Maybe somebody here could share their thoughts and help me...
My thoughts aren`t very clear at the moment but I`ll just start somewhere and hope I`ll make some sense.


I`m 22 years old, last year in Uni. I`ve got a problem with school. And my mom.
I`m studying philosophy and I really didn`t mind it at first. I could see the plus side of it and it used to be interesting. The problem is that after 2 years, I started hating it. It was too life-distant. I hated all the crazy professors and was scared to death to end up like them I pushed
myself to continue, just to get the diploma. But I didn`t manage. I took a year off (thought about taking it easy), but tried studying during that time...failed. So the year was a complete waste - I didn`t rest/work and I didn`t study..just an on-going agony.

My mom is one of those people who thinks that you`re a complete failure if you don`t have higher-education. If HER daughter doesn`t have a university diploma, then the daughter is a loser which means that she is also. This is the part that makes me wanna puke. I went to Uni because she wanted it and talked me into it...she said that I don`t have to work in the philosophy field but studying it will give me time to figure out what I really wanna do plus I`ll have a diploma just in case.

When I realized that I don’t want to study it, I told her. We had a long long discussion, which end with both of us crying and screaming….I gave in and tried to continue studying (took the year “off” at that time).
Now, 2 years later (I`ve been in uni for 4 years) I`m in the same situation just a bit deeper in it. I don`t go to school, I`ve failed practically all my classes so far. I don`t work. I`m going crazy. I get panic attacks. I cry. I scream. I just don`t know what to do…
I`ve been hiding it all from her (and from myself too until fall last year).
It`s just such a mess. And I`m so mad at myself for letting this situation get this far.

The worst part is that she pays my bills. All of them. And she throws that at my face sometimes and takes me on a guilt trip. (During that intense argument 2 years ago, we talked about that also and she said that she uses money as an argument because it`s the only thing that will make me listen though..). Despite that I feel like there`s not a single hair on my body that belongs to me. I`m so unmotivated. I realized one night that if I`d be living alone, paying my own bills, living in MY home…then I`d probably go to school and get straight A`s because I´d be worried about my future. Am I complete spoiled brat? I was in grade 9 when I knew this all was coming…I remember thinking “If my parents only would be poor and love me less…I`d be so much more independent and successful”. Silly, isn`t it?

My bf told me that I should graduate DESPITE of my mother. Like graduate and not tell her
It`s all eating me up inside... I don`t know what to do. I`m sure I already said that...

Should I quit and tell my mom ... should I suck it up and continue...should I get a job and be independent....

It`s all so hard because I really love my mom and I hate hurting her. She`s also going through a rough period at the moment and I feel like the last thing she needs is me dropping bad news on her (which I have to anyway actually..one way or another because I`m not graduating this year as she thinks, too many debts. ).

[aelle]

Hi Miia,

The decision to stay and finish your degree or to quit should be entirely yours, not your mother's. If being independent from her opinion means being independent financially, then do it. It seems to me like your mother is using money to blackmail you anyway, and that your lack of independence isn't doing you any good. If I were you, finding a job, a grant or a loan and paying for my own damn life would be my priority.

If you do decide to quit, 22 is still young. You have plenty of time to figure out if you want to start on a new education track. Actually, in my experience, some experience in the working world is a great way to find in which direction you want to go, much easier than by staying in school (unless you want to work in academia).

[SimonaRich]

I really feel sorry for how you feel because that should be horrible.

You must understand that you are living for yourself, not for your mother. I know that mothers can get too attached and expect from their children to do whatever they tell to.

But that's wrong because you are a free human being and if you do not like doing something, you should stop it right away.

You see, you listened to your mum and continued education and now look in what state you are. This is because you are trying to live your mother's rather than your dream.

You should definitely start earning income, quit those useless studies and do whatever feels good to you. Only then you will find true happiness.

Your mother still has a very limiting belief about education. But many people do. They think that only if you finish education you will be successful. That is so wrong.

I know that you may feel guilty because by doing what you love you will let your mother down. But you should also realise that you are stuck and your mum has to support you because you followed your mother's advice.

If your mother does not understand that you are a completely free person and you can do whatever you like, then it is her problem, not yours.

I know that my advice is controversial but believe me I have seen too many lives wasted exactly because of the situation you are facing.

[The Cloud]

It isn't the university or your mother that is making you unhappy. It is you that is making you unhappy. It's easy to blame external sources, and you might feel a bit better if you quit philosophy and go out on your own, but you'll eventually find a new reason to be just as unhappy if you don't get to the root of it inside yourself.

It's not your mother's fault that you are unhappy; she's scared and reacting accordingly. It's not the universities fault; you're the one that goes there by choice. It's not your fault, either; you're just as scared as your mother. But it's inside you that you need to change if you want to really be free, because the world will always have emotional chains to snare you as long as you make yourself see them.

[Susanna77]

I totally understand you. That was me.

My parents would be embarassed if I did not go to Uni because EVERYONE else (exaggeration) did.

I did my best but I had a hard time. And to be honest, those "few" people that did not go to uni are today FAR BETTER OFF than myself. They started to work earlier, they have far more work experience than me, and all I have is a diploma and lot of unapplied theory.

Your mum so sounds like mine. I'm 31 now, finished degree almost (gosh) 10 years ago but I remember it all too well.

You already had lots of good advice here, so I won't say more. Keep in touch if you need to chat or something I'm here.