How to act with this person?

[sarahsarahsarah11]

Hi everyone,

So, there is this one girl. She is very naive, very smart, a little over-formal in the way she talks, and I think she's a bit of a recluse. In any case, I started talking to her, and becoming really friendly with her, and soon, really soon, she started calling me several times a day. A day wouldn't pass when I wouldn't have a message on my machine. And she always seemed to be asking me for advice about something, and on some level I felt like she was treating me a like a mother, and I felt like I was playing into this role. She was asking me again and again about some major she wanted to pursue that I hadn't even pursued, only took like two or three classes in it, and she was just calling a lot. Initially I didn't see anything wrong with it, but then one of my closest friends pointed out how much she was calling. I really did enjoy talking to her when she wasn't treating me like the person with the answer to all the questions... So, i kept saying I would call her back, and I didn't. In any case, I stopped answering her calls and I just stopped answering it.

She stopped calling for awhile, and then one day, I picked up the phone when she called I think cause I was feeling a little guilty. For the first time, she seemed a little offish, like she was testing me or something.

I'm not sure what to do. I realize, first and foremost, that I really used to be like her in a lot of ways, rather clingy, or at least appearing clingy, and calling people all the time even though that's pushing it a little. And with me, it actually manifested where it got to the point where somebody who was my really good friend directly told me to go away... I knew that it wasn't out of real hatred, it was because I was too clingy. And because that person told me to do that, I completely changed and I'm a much better person for it, I'm grateful to them in so many ways.

I'm scared that if I started being too chummy with this girl, she'll become really clingy and go back into, "Answer all the questions of my life" mode, and I might cave. But at the same time, I feel like on some level I've rejected her friendship because I feel I like I'm superior to her... I know I'm not, but I feel like it in some ways...

I'm not sure what to do... should I become more chummy with her? I mean she's a really nice person. Or should I completely stop answering her calls? I don't want to establish a friendship with her on the basis of either guilt and giving my all my energy and time to her or on the basis of "great superior me" taking on a project to direct through life...

I feel like if I don't hang out with her, I'm rejecting her friendship because I think she's dorky in a lot of ways, at the same time I'm rejecting how I used to be...

Any advice?

[Angela]

I think you both would benefit from direct conversation. At this point you're both only speculating about what the other is feeling; why not clean it up? How about something along the lines of:

"Woman, I really enjoy your friendship and would like to continue it. I behaved in a way that did damage, though, and I'm very sorry for that. I felt an imbalance between us -- I think you've felt it, too, right? It has made me uncomfortable, and I reacted by withdrawing completely. I'm sorry, I wish I could have handled my feelings more directly, and I'd like to clean it up with you now, ok?"

Be sure to give her a chance to tell you how she feels.

Let her know that you feel you both need safe, appropriate boundaries, and that you've experienced this from another perspective. (Actually, that's why this is the perfect learning experience for you, Sarah; you're seeing your own issue reflected in another person.) Talk about what you both feel is appropriate -- e.g., 2 or 3 10-minute phone calls a week feels right to you, and that you'd like to let go of the maternal role you've been feeling. Tell her that more than that makes you feel like your boundaries are unsafe. Ask her what she needs in the friendship to feel safe and valued, and be honest about whether or not you can fulfill those needs.

Once you've forged your agreement about boundaries, let her know that you're committed to talking about any breaches or issues the moment they come up. Don't let each other get away with not having integrity. It is not easy, and you'll probably screw up, but remind yourself to be really present in your relationship and to say what's so without clutching it and letting it fester.

Tell her you're grateful for your friendship, because you're both the perfect opportunity for each other to learn something really valuable in your lives.

How does that sound?

[Megan]

If you're not a therapist, maybe you could consider becoming one?

Sarah, I hope all is well with you and your friend.

[Angelwings]

I feel for u. I had d same experience but i ended it badly.
I stopped talking to her completely IGNORE her like She never EXISTED like she's not VISIBLE.
at first, it felt great coz i dont need to deal with her anymore in college..but there are times u cant stopped thinking about her coz u feel GUILTY and ASHAME.

So I highly recommend u talk to her. Tell her d TRUTH.. or it u will end up hurting yourself instead.
Let her know it's her problem, its not yours. U gotta protect yourself. Put yourself out der first.
good luck!

Also.. dont ever feel sorry for hurting people coz sometimes it has to be done to save yourself and to guide her to becoming
a better person.. Truth hurts but it will SAVE both of you in long run.
Remember: Not everything is BLACK OR WHITE.

[eastcoastgirl]

I think that Angela is correct. Set boundaries. You may not want to have a relationship with her, because, frankly, it's a lot of trouble. But you both may benefit. She will be getting much needed friendship and feedback, and you will be helping someone. But set the boundaries.

[sarahsarahsarah11]

hello again...

okay... so I didn't follow any of your guys' advice and have been completely avoiding her calls... and she calls every single day... and I never pick up.... and she still thinks I'm a nice person...

I don't want to be friends with her... I don't know how to deal with this... I don't want her to become completely reliant on me... I think it's because I'm scared of becoming reliant on myself... I feel like the only reason I would be talking to her would be out of guilt...

I almost feel like doing reverse psychology on her... like call her insanely like every single day and pretend to have the world's problems and see how she reacts to it... I know it sounds weird, but I think it might show her what she's doing...

I think I have to call her... I know I can't avoid her... I'm just really scared... I'm not sure of what... any advice... I'm grateful to her because it's shown me how I was like... but I don't know of a better way to deal with it than how my friend dealt with me... telling me they wanted nothing to do me, because it really helped me snap out of it... but I don't think I can do this to this girl...

I'm going to call her... soon... probably tomorrow because I have to work on some stuff right now... as regards to Steve's blog about relationships... what is this saying about me? what is having this girl in my life saying about me? Any ideas?

[Liara Covert]

Hi sarahsarahsarah11.

I think its great how you're beginning to see your own situation differently than before. That you're learning seems to make you feel good. You may not realize it, but each person you meet in your life is another opportunity to learn more about yourself. I recommend a book by Mitch Albom called "The Five People You Meet in Heaven." (I also write about this in my blog today)

You already recognize that since this girl who calls you seems so reliant on you, this scares you because you aren't sure you can rely on yourself. What can't you rely on yourself to do? Seek to learn what you can. That's useful.

You also indicate you don't wish to be mean to this girl and tell her to stop calling because you felt bad when a 'supposed friend' once did that to you.
Why did you call that person so often? Why did you wish to be that person's friend? What do you wish that person had done instead of being so abrupt or rude to you? This is your opportunity to treat someone as you would like to be treated.

Why not pretend you're the girl who is calling you and imagine why she calls you so often. Why do you think she feels as she does? Maybe you can relate. Maybe you have more in common than you realize. If you grow to be more understanding and empathic, then you'll figure out a way to talk with this girl that will make you feel okay with yourself.

Best Wishes!

[ticktockclok]

Supply and demand.

More supply, lower demand.

Lower supply, more demand.