30 days after 10 years

[Breezy]

In the last 4 years I have done the following:

- Treated people like ****, including my friends and closest family
- Gave up, step by step, all the things I had ever enjoyed in my life
- Completely stopped taking care of my health - stopped exercising, began eating ****, worse still, sometimes stopped eating at all, which resulted in a number of problems as of now
- Turned into a pessimistic cynic that hated everything and everyone, including himself
- ****ed up my education, I should have graduated over a year ago, but instead I do nothing and just pay extra cash and register to classes I never visit just so I am not thrown out.
- Settled into a routine so grey and demoralising that I can't name almost anything good to happen to me in the last few years, I think I just wasted a few years of my time.

Of course there were some accomplishments, some that would seem great by themselves but were actually too few and came at a too great of a price, or were so long ago that I don't think they even apply to my life now.

So last Friday life threw another bucket of **** at me and I once again got into a situation that could only be described as horrid. These things have happened quite often in the last years, taking me to an emotional hole for at least a week, from where I would emerge pushing in the same direction, hating the entire world just a little bit more.

This time though, something clicked, I don't want to start the "From bad to worse" cycle once again. After three days of thought and lots of writing I decided that, to put it very shortly "If you treat the world as your enemy, you will always be at war", which I was for perhaps as far as I can remember.

Instead I remembered my dreams, how I still managed to realize some of them, but in a very weird and twisted way, and what I could have done with my time if I had opened my eyes etc.

In the three day process I went through what I actually wanted to accomplish with my self-destructive actions and what I valued all these years - I must say the list was rather unpleasant, as I think you can imagine given the list of actions included above.

So, deciding to change, I remembered there was a list of values somewhere on this site with a couple of articles to boot, the result:

GOAL:

I enjoy my life, my days are filled with with fun and interesting people, events and experiences that allow me try to accomplish new things and discover the world.

VALUES:

1) Adventure - The main engine of change, I want to finally have fun, to live!
2) Health & Beauty - I want to fix myself up, finally enjoy how I look
3) Approachability - Because I finally want to be a normal social person, not wear a mask and hate everybody from behind it
4) Accomplishment - Because I still have much unfinished business and because I want to constantly become better
5) Courage & Confidence - because I will need a lot of both if I am to change my life around
6) Discipline - because charging into the battle once does not win a war, you need to keep your nerve
7) Dignity - Because I am tired of wearing masks infront of everybody, including myself and because I finally want to accept myself.
8) Wealth - because everything else requiers money, this is a maintainance mode, so I will always remember to keep my finances in order and in line with my goals
9) Harmony & Simplicity - Because I am tired of perfectionism and constant analysis
10) Freedom - So I remember that none of this is for life, so that I do not create another grey routine instead of the one I destroy, so I remember that it is my life and I owe nothing to anybody.

As I compiled this list I was amased at a) How none of my old values made it here b) At how I suddenly got existed over everything that could happen - I haven't had such anticipation since god knows how many years, I don't remember being excited about anything.

So I decided that I am going to act on this for 30 days and post everything here and that if there is any use from this, I will post a public apology to Steve, because in my previous posts I've said some offensive things.

Cheers!

[UHF]

I'm excited for you. I see parts of myself in what you've said and struggle with the person I've turned into since childhood.

I hope each of those 30 days builds upwards. Just ask for help if and when you need...

[Anthoneee]

Best of luck with your goals. I know I'm working on those values too, and I hope you have as much fun as I am.

[SimonaRich]

I hope you will succeed in accomplishing all your goals. Remember, if the going gets though (and it will), be sure that it's just a test to see how badly you want a change!

[Eric Roosevelt]

This is good, but it's usually a good idea to also prepare yourself for anything that may happen. Quite often we tend to "go out with a bang, and land with a thud", so to speak. I try to go for my goals while simultaneously keeping it in the back of my head that I'm still vulnerable to setbacks (and more importantly, that setbacks are a normal and even necessary part of progress).

[Breezy]

Thank you for the good luck wishes and for warning about the difficulties ahead, today certainly was such a day (last two points), here is what was done:

Day 1

- I began taking vitamines to boost my health
- I began taking medicine to help with my skin rash
- I had a full breakfast (something I usually skipped), a decent lunch (this needs improvement) and a full dinner, as well as a snack before bed. Interestingly enough I had no usual problems with my stomach, which was the usual case. I knew a good diet could improve things, but hey, on the first day?!
- I am trying to arrange a spontanous meeting with a person from the University who is leaving the country for a longer period, just to say goodbye and have a cup of coffee. Something I would have never done before, we'll see how this goes soon, definetly a new experience.
- And now the final thing, I fixed the consequenses of the dire situation I found myself in a few days ago. I will also see where this goes, the step I took and the first results are already huge for me, I would have never done it before. It will all be decided tommorow.

So the beginning is promising

I am still thinking whether or not to write in more detail of the events that take place, as this is a public forum.

[Aether]

I recommend eating 5 small meals each day rather than follow societal norms, as our bodies can digest smaller meals more efficiently than large meals. Another thing is to eat lots of fruits and vegetables, but I think that's a given...It's just how our bodies evolved. Good luck.

[greenfin1]

YOu really need some Good character education.

[Eric Roosevelt]

Originally Posted by Aether

I recommend eating 5 small meals each day rather than follow societal norms, as our bodies can digest smaller meals more efficiently than large meals.

That's probably something that I should look into. But first I'd need to find the time and energy to prepare the meals every day, which I'm sure isn't an easy thing to do.

[ChromeMolly]

If 3 nutritious meals a day is what you can handle right now, I wouldn't beat myself up for not making it 5. There are those that argue grazing is the way to go, those that say 5-6 a day is best 'cause it keeps your blood sugar steady, and Ayurveda says at least 2 hours between meals (or 3 a day) 'cause your body needs to be able to use the resources to focus on digesting what's already there instead of trying to deal with processing a constant onslaught of food.

Congratulations and good luck on your decision to consciously make changes for the better.

[TreyBaird]

To the OP, don't put too much on your plate. It's not easy to overturn 4 years of bad thinking habits.

Personally, I suffer from a mental disease, and not every day, or week turns out how I want it to. You have to keep fighting, and remember how badly you want to turn things around. If you start to relapse back into your old ways, the most imporant thing you can do is to FORGIVE yourself. Don't be mad at yourself for "failing" at your goal, because it's not failing. You're human, and you're not going to be perfect at this.

So give yourself elbow room for failure. If you start to relapse, just start again, and dust yourself off. Good luck to you. I am proud of you for wanting to take control of your life. That right there is more than 99% of the people in your position do.

[Breezy]

5 meals is something that I can only dream of, with my job I sometimes have trouble getting a single meal a day, hence my digesting and weight problems. I am currently aiming for 3 + a snack.

Day 2

1) I continued with the vitamines, the skin curers and the 3 meals, that should become a routine.
2) I went for a late evening/night walk with a girl I kind of like. Kind of, because I aimed so hard all these years to have no emotions nor attachments to people that I doubt my ability to even have feelings. But I will not get into this further (please don't post comments ala "everybody can love)

All I know is that I like spending time with this girl, though she was one of those who I treated like crap - I just went to parties with her and could ignore her for weeks afterwards - so I am going to do the best I can to simply enjoy spending quality time with her and treat her like a good person.

3) As I returned home from the late evening walk I found some money, not much, but enough for me to enjoy a good cup of coffee on a nice night + I found a half inflated football and got some fun playing with it on the way home

That's it, with work and commute there was not much time to do something else.

Day 3

1) 1) I continued with the vitamines, the skin curers and the 3 meals, that should become a routine. Though getting my ass to the cooker early every morning is a pain.

2) The meeting I tried to arrange on day 1 was agreed upon by the person. So I am going to meet her next week for a coffee, before she leaves the country. This should be fun, something new and something I never done before -> simply meeting somebody for a coffee.

3) As I am currently half ill I don't have the energy to do anything else, but I will use this to my advantage. I am going to enjoy some tea, read a book, plan some of the next few days, because very much is going to happen in the next few days.

When previously used to get free time I would beat myself for not doing anything useful, if I for example enjoy some tea and watch a good movie, and if I was doing something useful then I would beat myself for being bored, annoyed and wanting to be somewhere else. So no matter what I was doing I was always pissed, so I am going to enjoy this forced time off today.

--------

I am glad that in the last 3 days I have not yet thought the usual "What is the aim of life, everything is boring and meaningless" thoughts, I always have my head filled with something else. Which I really, really like.

Something is sad though, the weekdays don't leave for much time to accomplish anything, though I am really happy with the previous days.

[simplystephen]

Breezy,

First of all good for you!

Your post has probably hit a chord with a lot of people. It mad me think about a few things. If I can offer some simple advice - many people have been dealt some pretty awful cards, we are not alone. It's how an individual deals with them that separates them from the crowd. We have choices.

The past is behind you. The future is nothing you can control. You can only be accountable for the actions you make today. Trust this from someone who has made his share of mistakes.

When focusing on your changes, try not to over think it or analyze it too much, just take it in baby steps. Oh, and remember that thing "count to 10" before you do anything or "if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say it at all"....it really makes a difference.

I'm pleased to hear about your changes. Remember Rome wasn't built in a day..you will get there.

[UHF]

Come on Breezy. Update please.

[Breezy]

I don't remember where I stopped, but here goes.

Monday:

- I woke up at 5.30 AM and went to the gym before work
- I spent the day in a very good mood and completed most of the assignments that were thrown at me on that day.
- The earlier day I went through to develop a diet for the gym and I spent the day following it, it wasn't easy, that's a lot of eating.

Tuesday - Wednesday

- Bloody project deadlines meant that I had to go with 10 hour work days, coming in early, going late, not having lunch etc -> this meant that the days went bad

Thursday - Friday

- I had a project related work trip and had to go away, the project went really well, everything was completed earlier (a rare case).
- I love this project, because the destination is a small town in the hills, because the project manager is a really cool person to hang out with, because half of the road involved a first class train, because the other involved a really wicked project manager's car with, surprisingly, music that I loved!

- Friday evening, when I returned home I went to the Valentine/Birthday combo, the birthday of the girl I meantioned earlier. The evening was pleasant, meant some cool people, played some poker with some guys, then spent the night at the girl's place.

Saturday

- I was tired as hell and just spend the day sleeping and watching TV

Sunday

- I am planning to spend the day at my parent's place

...I will continue this poster a bit later....

[Breezy]

I wanted to say, in continuation of the previous post, that I am finding that none of what is currently happening is really giving me any emotions. I feel absolutly nothing, I could easily and without any regret ruin the "relationship" and send that girl to hell and hurt her in the process, without anything really moving inside of me. Believe me, it is easy, I have done so to friends I knew for ca 15 years. And it is not the only thing, my family, my career, my education etc - none of it really matters, it associates with the color grey in my head.

I am simply doing everything mechanically, because it is a stereotype that describes the normal life.

When I was little I was filled with fantasies and stories of "life", everything I have experienced thus far is bad parody of what I had anticipated. I am disenchanted by the world and I only continue out of habbit.

[timothydrake]

The bright side of hitting rock bottom? You can only go up! Be honest and accept yourself. Don't try to be just be. Good luck on your journey.

[Aleksander Krstic]

Originally Posted by Breezy

I am still thinking whether or not to write in more detail of the events that take place, as this is a public forum.

I assure you that people on this forum are one of the nicest you'll ever find on any forum.

Oh, and I wish you much luck with your experiment!

[Breezy]

Currently things are difficult. My views on life are based on a belief that life is a result of random events and consequently does not have a meaning, this topped with an utter dislike of all people has driven me to a state where I find it difficult to motivate myself.

[UHF]

Not true. If life were random events it would be totally unpredictable. People would react in completely hap-hazard ways to the same stimulus each time. None of this would be here. None of us would be here. The internet would break. Chaos. Didn't the lives of Ghandi, Churchill, Richard Feynman... etc have meaning?

If you had an utter dislike of everyone, then you wouldn't be posting messages to complete strangers in an effort to connect with them.

Come on. Another inevitable low moment. It's a steep staircase when you're near the bottom. You're depressed, not subnormal.