I'm so confused with life...

[dice]

Hey everyone,

I am so confused.

I'm in my first year at a undergrad school and I really feel out of place and .... constipated. socially and acedemically.

I've been afraid of doing anything art related because I feel alienated and disconnected from people when I'm doing solitary work. I'm more of a theatre kid, I like people to react to my work when I can see them and feel whatever they're feeling too

anyhow, I wanted to apply to SAIC or Pratt or CalArts (The 'harvards' and 'yales' of art schools) , but I don't have a lot of confidence in my portfolio or my past grades (I was a very distracted and impulsive kid, 70-75% average. when I focused I was able to get 90-95%, but I felt marks were so superficial so I was pretty inconsistent...) .
I'd be an international transfer student, and I'm wondering if it's worth it to go all the way to the states to study art...

I've been "the arty kid" my entire life, people are constantly commenting on my work, long lost schoolmates remember me as "oh you! you drew good right?". (I'm really REALLY shy and modest about it, I don't enjoy being put on a pedastle as talented and superior. I don't see myself as any better than anyone else, and I don't like to make people feel uncomfortable or inadequeate. ) Despite that though, I can basically render a completely photorealistic picture if I spend enough time on it, and I've been told that my work was deep or interesting etc. etc.

I still doubt myself, really really doubt myself and I'm not sure what I want to do..I feel like it makes sense to go into art/design seriously because it comes easily to me...But I fear getting stuck in that profession, or missing opportunities to do other things (Theatre/Performing, mostly) . I was accepted into the BFA Art/Design program at UAlberta but declined.

Over the past few months since then that the BA format and the teaching/environment at my university is so flat, dry, safe, unexciting, easygoing and pleasant at most. and it makes me nauseus, sick, and stressed. I want something thats intense, exciting, dramatic, challenging, in everyway. I'm so restless here! I feel like i'm stuck in a cocoon and im suffocating.

So I've decided I should just jump in, apply to the biggest/best and see if they like what I have and if they'll support me (I won't be able to afford SAIC without scholarships).

I'm really nervous about this desicion. I feel like I'm getting married to a career! ( I have equal love for art/design and theatre/performing. I don't feel I can commit to both at the same time and be giving it my all. I'm better at art, but I would prefer to be better at performing )

If anyone's seen the Meryl Streep movie, Sophie's Choice - its like that (much less dire, obviously, but same idea) (YouTube - Sophie's Choice - The Choice - warning: its completely heartbreaking.)

I feel what I do with this upcoming year can either A) kickstart a huge momentum that will carry me forward for many many years OR B) nail me into a life of perpetual mediocrity and safe-living.


at home i'm surrounded by really 'safe' people who tread in shallow water, and they can't understand or support anything thats bold or risky or unpredictable and likewise can't give any advice to me about this. any help or wisdom is really, really appreciated.