I'm so confused with life...

[dice]

Hey everyone,

I am so confused.

I'm in my first year at a undergrad school and I really feel out of place and .... constipated. socially and acedemically.

I've been afraid of doing anything art related because I feel alienated and disconnected from people when I'm doing solitary work. I'm more of a theatre kid, I like people to react to my work when I can see them and feel whatever they're feeling too

anyhow, I wanted to apply to SAIC or Pratt or CalArts (The 'harvards' and 'yales' of art schools) , but I don't have a lot of confidence in my portfolio or my past grades (I was a very distracted and impulsive kid, 70-75% average. when I focused I was able to get 90-95%, but I felt marks were so superficial so I was pretty inconsistent...) .
I'd be an international transfer student, and I'm wondering if it's worth it to go all the way to the states to study art...

I've been "the arty kid" my entire life, people are constantly commenting on my work, long lost schoolmates remember me as "oh you! you drew good right?". (I'm really REALLY shy and modest about it, I don't enjoy being put on a pedastle as talented and superior. I don't see myself as any better than anyone else, and I don't like to make people feel uncomfortable or inadequeate. ) Despite that though, I can basically render a completely photorealistic picture if I spend enough time on it, and I've been told that my work was deep or interesting etc. etc.

I still doubt myself, really really doubt myself and I'm not sure what I want to do..I feel like it makes sense to go into art/design seriously because it comes easily to me...But I fear getting stuck in that profession, or missing opportunities to do other things (Theatre/Performing, mostly) . I was accepted into the BFA Art/Design program at UAlberta but declined.

Over the past few months since then that the BA format and the teaching/environment at my university is so flat, dry, safe, unexciting, easygoing and pleasant at most. and it makes me nauseus, sick, and stressed. I want something thats intense, exciting, dramatic, challenging, in everyway. I'm so restless here! I feel like i'm stuck in a cocoon and im suffocating.

So I've decided I should just jump in, apply to the biggest/best and see if they like what I have and if they'll support me (I won't be able to afford SAIC without scholarships).

I'm really nervous about this desicion. I feel like I'm getting married to a career! ( I have equal love for art/design and theatre/performing. I don't feel I can commit to both at the same time and be giving it my all. I'm better at art, but I would prefer to be better at performing )

If anyone's seen the Meryl Streep movie, Sophie's Choice - its like that (much less dire, obviously, but same idea) (YouTube - Sophie's Choice - The Choice - warning: its completely heartbreaking.)

I feel what I do with this upcoming year can either A) kickstart a huge momentum that will carry me forward for many many years OR B) nail me into a life of perpetual mediocrity and safe-living.


at home i'm surrounded by really 'safe' people who tread in shallow water, and they can't understand or support anything thats bold or risky or unpredictable and likewise can't give any advice to me about this. any help or wisdom is really, really appreciated.

[astra]

Good for you, giving it a go even though you're nervous! That's what life's about! Hey, what's the worst that can happen? They say no, give you some feedback, and maybe you can improve and try again. That doesn't really suck, at least you tried. The best that can happen is that you get in, and head off to follow your dreams.

Don't worry about getting stuck. Just because you draw/paint/whatever, doesn't mean you can't still do stuff in the theatre, and vice versa. You only get stuck when you allow yourself to get stuck. If something doesn't work, try something else. When I started uni, I was originally studying HR. Then I decided I didn't like it and changed to Marketing. I didn't like that either, so went back to HR and now I work in HR and I love it to death. It didn't hurt me, it actually was really great for me and it still contributed towards my final diploma. Maybe in your first year you would be able to try out both, then fully commit to one for the rest of your study and keep the other a hobby. I'd recommend speaking to a careers counsellor at one of these wonderful colleges, or at least an administrator who understands how the courses work.

I'm a little confused about wether your choice is A) to pursue your creative instincts OR stay at home and be safe, or B) pursue arts/design OR theatre/performance, but I hope what I said helps you. If it is A, then I do have one thing to add - as a creative person myself (albeit not particularly talented, I just like doing it) if you do take the second option, at least make sure you still have some sort of outlet, otherwise you'll likely explode. Take the safe road by all means, but paint on the weekends

Good luck with your applications

[ZHereford]

Originally Posted by dice

......So I've decided I should just jump in, apply to the biggest/best and see if they like what I have and if they'll support me (I won't be able to afford SAIC without scholarships)....

.. I'm really nervous about this desicion......

.....at home i'm surrounded by really 'safe' people who tread in shallow water, and they can't understand or support anything thats bold or risky or unpredictable and likewise can't give any advice to me about this. any help or wisdom is really, really appreciated.

I say go for it!

At best it'll be exactly what you want and need....at worst, it will make you realize that it's not for you and point you in a new, more suitable direction.

It's win/win. Good for you!

[RT Wolf]

Yea, it sounds like you've got a fairly common fear: you're picking for forever. That's totally not the case. The average US worker apparently has between 3-5 careers is their life, time, so I'm sure you can have two. Just know when it's time to transition and how to do it. Steve transitioned from video game entrpreneur to personal dev person, etc.

The decision is not permanent and neither is it either/or. Any good school you go to will likely have a theater club or something where you can do this sort of thing. And if you get really good, you can often audition for plays put on by the school itself. It may take more effort to work on both, but if, as you say, you like 'em both and find them rewarding then it'll be worht it. Many artists work across mediums, many do. MIA comes to mind as a popular example off the top of my head. I'm sure you coudl think of more of them if you tried.

Chill out, you can always choose again. There may be consequences, but you can learn to handle them pretty well. Good luck!

I can tell you this, though: follow your heart now and pick either one, or stay stuck and be garunteed a life of mediocrity and safety.

[writerros]

Hi

I agree with all the comments so far.

Enjoy the ride. It can take years before you finally find your place in life - but all of it is a learning opportunity. There is no decision that is ever set in stone.

Follow whatever is in your heart - the thing you feel most excited about. Life is constantly evolving and if that doesn't work out, then there will be something else.

Don't get caught in the idea that there is a right decision and a wrong decision. All decisions are valuable, and whatever happens you will learn and grow.

I recommend Susan Jeffer's book, Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway.

Good luck!

Ros

[RT Wolf]

Decision making is a hard skill to learn in life, but it's deeply satisfying and definitely important in any sort of success in life. Not to mention the time you save by not being in ambivalence. I'd suggest you spend a bit of time doing targeted searches on how to make better decisions, like Pavlina's site or google it. I have some of my own "axioms" of decision making that I can share if you're interested.

[Andrew Gubb]

Dicey,

I always click your posts cause I really identify with you. You're what I was. You've got a lot of light in ya but you're passing through darkness. Actually better said you have a lot of spiritual energy. If you use it against yourself (and let's face it, practically all suffering is self-inflicted) you will make your life a living hell. You have the power to be very good or very evil, but your spirit has chosen to not do things by half measures - you'll never be just normal, vanilla, in-between. It's a fun way to live... though next life I might try something quieter......

Stop judging people and cultivate faith. That's my prescription

[dwixi]

Originally Posted by dice

Hey everyone,

I am so confused.

I'm in my first year at a undergrad school and I really feel out of place and .... constipated. socially and acedemically.

I've been afraid of doing anything art related because I feel alienated and disconnected from people when I'm doing solitary work. I'm more of a theatre kid, I like people to react to my work when I can see them and feel whatever they're feeling too

anyhow, I wanted to apply to SAIC or Pratt or CalArts (The 'harvards' and 'yales' of art schools) , but I don't have a lot of confidence in my portfolio or my past grades (I was a very distracted and impulsive kid, 70-75% average. when I focused I was able to get 90-95%, but I felt marks were so superficial so I was pretty inconsistent...) .
I'd be an international transfer student, and I'm wondering if it's worth it to go all the way to the states to study art...

I've been "the arty kid" my entire life, people are constantly commenting on my work, long lost schoolmates remember me as "oh you! you drew good right?". (I'm really REALLY shy and modest about it, I don't enjoy being put on a pedastle as talented and superior. I don't see myself as any better than anyone else, and I don't like to make people feel uncomfortable or inadequeate. ) Despite that though, I can basically render a completely photorealistic picture if I spend enough time on it, and I've been told that my work was deep or interesting etc. etc.

I still doubt myself, really really doubt myself and I'm not sure what I want to do..I feel like it makes sense to go into art/design seriously because it comes easily to me...But I fear getting stuck in that profession, or missing opportunities to do other things (Theatre/Performing, mostly) . I was accepted into the BFA Art/Design program at UAlberta but declined.

Over the past few months since then that the BA format and the teaching/environment at my university is so flat, dry, safe, unexciting, easygoing and pleasant at most. and it makes me nauseus, sick, and stressed. I want something thats intense, exciting, dramatic, challenging, in everyway. I'm so restless here! I feel like i'm stuck in a cocoon and im suffocating.

So I've decided I should just jump in, apply to the biggest/best and see if they like what I have and if they'll support me (I won't be able to afford SAIC without scholarships).

I'm really nervous about this desicion. I feel like I'm getting married to a career! ( I have equal love for art/design and theatre/performing. I don't feel I can commit to both at the same time and be giving it my all. I'm better at art, but I would prefer to be better at performing )

If anyone's seen the Meryl Streep movie, Sophie's Choice - its like that (much less dire, obviously, but same idea) (YouTube - Sophie's Choice - The Choice - warning: its completely heartbreaking.)

I feel what I do with this upcoming year can either A) kickstart a huge momentum that will carry me forward for many many years OR B) nail me into a life of perpetual mediocrity and safe-living.


at home i'm surrounded by really 'safe' people who tread in shallow water, and they can't understand or support anything thats bold or risky or unpredictable and likewise can't give any advice to me about this. any help or wisdom is really, really appreciated.

If your that good at art it sounds like you dont need to develp your skills much more.
lots of design jobs will take you if you have a good portfolio, it doesnt matter about education. Aspeshily if you do freelance design. Loads of art and design graduates are crap and they never get a job in it!
theater sounds like something that education in would benafit more. getting to know other people and just getting general experiance must help alot as apposed to art and design witch is like.. if your good. your good.
good luck.

[dice]

thanks so much guys. I'm putting up my online portfolio soon, critiques will be welcome. (bluntness is preferred)

dwixi - I do have some local freelance work set up already. that stuff moves veerrrrrrrrrry slowly and you can't charge a whole lot without reputation. So I'm going to these schools for mentors/friends/inspiration/competition/intensity and a like-minded world.

andrew - yes i'm quite an extremist haha

The main thing that I'm worried about is getting/paying off MASSIVE loans. I'm happy (and actually prefer) living like a minimalist (yeeah extremity again)...but I have this one vice: I have to be able to travel. Is this feasible? Is applying for loans like a deathwish these days?

[ala ka]

someone told me a story about the butterfly.

Did you know that a when a Caterpillar spins a cocoon, he has to do it on his own? When he is ready to emerge as a butterfly, he has to struggle to break out of his cocoon. It takes time! He has to make this struggle on his own or else he will die. This kind of sounds like where you are at!

Hang in there. I believe that the more difficult it is to reach your goal, the better you will be for doing so. You will always remember this struggle and want to be the best you can because of it.

YOU WILL ACHIEVE!