What leads to darkworking...

[phoenixxx]

I haven't read any particular posts on this. I'm sure there are lots.

But what I have found with myself is that a strong reason I have always been a darkworker (and haven't even known until recently) is because of an extreme repressed fear about my sexual orientation. It's so deeply embedded in my psyche that I am back to being in denial.

I found when I totally accepted it there was a massive internal shift.
All my behaviour before that point had been darkworker oriented. Then there was a surge of guilt and shame etc but I had totally reoriented myself towards lightworking- there was just no other way to live.

I am back to 'darkworking' now. My memory is hazy as to why......I think I told myself a few lies to cover the fact that I was still really scared deep deep deep down.

Has anyone had similar experiences???

My written skills aren't very good also so if any point needs clarifying let me know.

[Eric Roosevelt]

You mean insecurities lead to darkworking? That could be. I also think a lot of people turn to darkworking because they think the situation calls for it, and they just consider it necessary.

[Asmoday]

Some may disagree, but...

Polarization and Polarity

[Xanafax]

Asmoday, can I just take a minute to praise your blog, its wonderful, truly unique, no doubt about it.

As for this thread, darkworking is not a desperate solution made by people who are being wronged.

It's a conscious choice.

[JaredR]

Sometimes I wonder if those who are drawn to the lightworker/darkworker idea are those seeking a more clear sense of identity. Just a thought.

[Eric Roosevelt]

Originally Posted by JaredR

Sometimes I wonder if those who are drawn to the lightworker/darkworker idea are those seeking a more clear sense of identity. Just a thought.

The thing about searching for identity is that we get bogged down in a sort of permanent labelling system, which can often be antithetical to personal growth. I think once you've labelled yourself a "darkworker", for example, that could lead to all sorts of strange behaviours.

"I am a darkworker therefore I can't go around being nice to people". See?

[zentiggr]

What would happen to that labelling bias if, for example, "darkworker" and "lightworker" were relabelled "focused on internal development" and "focused on external development"?

[phoenixxx]

Originally Posted by Xanafax

As for this thread, darkworking is not a desperate solution made by people who are being wronged.

It's a conscious choice.

I can't remember ever making a consious choice when I was younger knowing the full scope of what I was doing. I mean, choosing to be a dark worker seemed like the only way to me at the time. That's what I mean about is it a decision based on circumstance?? Such as the environment I was brought up in? Or must there have been some specific incident- such as my parents divorce or a repressed trauma, maybe sexual, that would bring up so much fear?

I'm asking because when I changed to lightworking and started to take responsibility for everything it got to a point where I couldn't see why I should take responsibility for being a darkworker when I was so young- it couldn't possibly be my fault. And so I went back to darkworking almost naturally due to thinking about that over and over again and not finding a solution. It just seemed way way too much responsibility to take on board without killing myself- especially when no one around me (parents etc.) were taking responsibility for themselves.

Which also got me thinking (and fretting)- did I create all this? Is it all the other way around? I always thought I was unhappy because of my parents but what if it was me who caused them to become like they are and in turn make myself unhappy??

So how do I resolve this? Do I see a psychic or something to get clarity on my early childhood?

[Eric Revelin]

In the context these concepts are presented, darkworking and lightworking can only result from a conscious choice. When you were younger you may have used darkworker methods but that doesn't mean you were a darkworker. Right now you don't know yourself well enough to consciously adopt either paradigm.

Lightworking and darkworking are about expanding your personal power by becoming undivided. To struggle as you are means that you cannot be polarized although you may be moving in that direction.

You are responsible for everything you do and everything you've ever done since you've been a conscious individual. Even a child is known by his behavior. Responsibility is not the same thing as taking blame or making a conscious choice. If you did something really stupid as a child but you didn't know any better it's vastly different than doing the same thing as an adult when you do.

To simplify, taking responsibility for choices you made when you were ignorant means that you use it as a learning experience. You did A which led to B and no matter what you can't deny your involvement in that. It doesn't place the weight solely on your shoulders, especially if you were goaded into it by someone who knew more about what was going on than you did. It doesn't mean you should bear the weight of guilt since guilt is senseless when you didn't know there was another choice. What taking responsibility means in this context is that you have vowed to enlighten yourself instead repeating ignorant actions.

That's why it doesn't matter whether anyone else takes responsibility for themselves. You take responsibility to become empowered. If it doesn't empower you then you don't understand the concept. Your actions are something you have 100% control over and by thinking that way you should begin to see a lot of options you wouldn't have seen otherwise, or you'll be able to create new opportunities. If a relationship sours you won't sit around feeling victimized, you'll say, "if I'm so unhappy here, why don't I move on?" If you're overweight you won't kick yourself for being fat, you'll start asking, "so what kind of plan can I come up with to get the weight off?"

Your happiness is in your hands. That doesn't mean other people don't factor into it. My father crushed me and there's no way to justify what he did. I never got anywhere by cursing him for it. The wound is mine whether I asked for it or not and it's up to me how that impacts my fate. I'm able to make choices that lead in a different direction and that's exactly what I've been doing.

It sounds like you need some perspective, and you need to get a better grasp of the concepts you're trying to apply. I'd suggest wiping the slate clean and taking a look at each concept one at a time. Forget any metaphysical implications "total responsibility" may have had in the materials that exposed you to it and think about what it means solely in terms of what you've done and what you're able to do. Forget about lightworking and darkworking, those labels are meaningless to you as you are now. Get a better grasp of who you are before you try to commit to either path. It should be far easier if you break everything down into smaller components.