Venting

[straysweeper]

This started coming out of me a little while ago, so I thought I'd post it anyway.

A few things that may not be entirely related to this, but I feel like getting out of me anyway and since this is the easiest form and to make sure i get it I'm going to do it now. I have recently been again pulled to more of Anthony Robbins material. Such as other programs and of late some youtube and dvd footage. I like a lot of what he does, especially watching a man and wife coming back from the edge of wanting to divorce and reconcile and find new levels. I think this is remarkable. Something about this lately, and along with reaching a critical mass in my own life is starting to put things into a new perspective. As Robbins would have me say, I've been acting like a *****. Due to the complexity and the unknown of the life that I want, and the pain from the life I had, I have completely immobilized myself.

By doing nothing, I've assumed that it is the high road, rather than taking action. Always assuming or fearing that what I may do is a mistake or worse yet for me, to take me away from that where i want to be. To be honest, there are many times where I'm I don't know what I want, or I'm confusing not knowing what or how to achieve it with not knowing.

Lately, I've been connecting some new thoughts, new distinctions and it is frustrating to see how much time I've lost. I am however, still worried that once I get started I'll loose focus or presence in pursuit of my goal. So if you know anyways to help prevent that, I welcome it. While what I know may not be perfect, I know it would put me into a position to where I have a choice rather than waiting for world to determine my own life, I would be in the position to do that. I thank Steve for his indecision post, and for my friend for putting me on the edge of having to something rather than 'trying'. I've been afraid of what other people think, and I haven't been living to my potential. There are two new songs by Nickelback "Gotta be Somebody" and "If today was your last day". I can almost cry because I know that I'm not who I am meant to be. If today was my last day I haven't given myself truly. I would feel like I'd die with my music still in me. There is so much passion in me that I don't know how to deal with. Others don't either. The blind leading the blind so to speak.

I hate getting to these states, where I'm determined, and hungry to make some sort of lasting change, however, due to some constraints to work towards it. Either I'm tired, or its nightime so you can't do somethings, or some other priority seems to take control.

Right now I am faced with returning to Oklahoma although I have a slim chance that if I wanted to, I could come up with a way to stay in Las Vegas. Which I ask myself if I could be of greater good here. Or return to Oklahoma and grow myself back up to achieve the results I want. In Vegas, I've overstayed my welcome at my friends. Not so much as to where they never want to talk to me again, but soon enough I'm sure it'd hit there. I never would have expected this behavior from me. Not relating to Samantha. She has been a friend unlike most I've ever had, she has what it takes to stand the test of time. Now that said, I haven't done my own duty, I haven't done what I sat out to when I got out here. I have been here nearly 3 months and have only had one interview, which I might have been curious about, but obviously didn't really want. Why do I say that? I didn't get the job. Had I wanted it, I would have gone harder for it.

I just saw a new distinction. I used to consider my job as my main source of growth. For the most of my adult life, my job has been just that. I have learned a lot from work, my current level of social skills, my relationships that i have now, everything I've had financially the past several years. All due to job I had. I wouldn't have had growth without having a job. It forced me to get beyond myself and out of myself. Even if it was a job I wasn't sure I was really into. I like to think of myself as more a tactical or technical person. Stranger still I see myself as wanting to be a jack of all trades. I think by spreading out my skills it can make me better at the focus. Again, thanks to Steve for helping me put that into words. However, I feel like more of a sharpshooter. You tell me your need, and I help you get it. Facilitator and Catalyst also seem to apply as well.

It is strange, I am feeling a sense of peace. I really need to start writing in a journal again. I haven't felt this in a while. Although I feel like I haven't contributed to why I am here, even though I haven't found the exact language to express my purpose. As while I spoke of titles above, I also have my own missions. While I want to help people get what they want and to serve the greater good, I have other ways of wanting to do that versus just via people. Hence the jack of all trades.

I'm still not sure what I'm going to do, save take one day at a time at this point. I have nothing left to really loose. One thing I do have left is my health, and I think I'll try and do what I can to preserve that, while working to get into a positive environment to use my abilities to their fullest.

[Starman]

Originally Posted by straysweeper

This started coming out of me a little while ago, so I thought I'd post it anyway.

A few things that may not be entirely related to this, but I feel like getting out of me anyway and since this is the easiest form and to make sure i get it I'm going to do it now. I have recently been again pulled to more of Anthony Robbins material. Such as other programs and of late some youtube and dvd footage. I like a lot of what he does, especially watching a man and wife coming back from the edge of wanting to divorce and reconcile and find new levels. I think this is remarkable. Something about this lately, and along with reaching a critical mass in my own life is starting to put things into a new perspective. As Robbins would have me say, I've been acting like a *****. Due to the complexity and the unknown of the life that I want, and the pain from the life I had, I have completely immobilized myself.

By doing nothing, I've assumed that it is the high road, rather than taking action. Always assuming or fearing that what I may do is a mistake or worse yet for me, to take me away from that where i want to be. To be honest, there are many times where I'm I don't know what I want, or I'm confusing not knowing what or how to achieve it with not knowing.

Lately, I've been connecting some new thoughts, new distinctions and it is frustrating to see how much time I've lost. I am however, still worried that once I get started I'll loose focus or presence in pursuit of my goal. So if you know anyways to help prevent that, I welcome it. While what I know may not be perfect, I know it would put me into a position to where I have a choice rather than waiting for world to determine my own life, I would be in the position to do that. I thank Steve for his indecision post, and for my friend for putting me on the edge of having to something rather than 'trying'. I've been afraid of what other people think, and I haven't been living to my potential. There are two new songs by Nickelback "Gotta be Somebody" and "If today was your last day". I can almost cry because I know that I'm not who I am meant to be. If today was my last day I haven't given myself truly. I would feel like I'd die with my music still in me. There is so much passion in me that I don't know how to deal with. Others don't either. The blind leading the blind so to speak.

I hate getting to these states, where I'm determined, and hungry to make some sort of lasting change, however, due to some constraints to work towards it. Either I'm tired, or its nightime so you can't do somethings, or some other priority seems to take control.

Right now I am faced with returning to Oklahoma although I have a slim chance that if I wanted to, I could come up with a way to stay in Las Vegas. Which I ask myself if I could be of greater good here. Or return to Oklahoma and grow myself back up to achieve the results I want. In Vegas, I've overstayed my welcome at my friends. Not so much as to where they never want to talk to me again, but soon enough I'm sure it'd hit there. I never would have expected this behavior from me. Not relating to Samantha. She has been a friend unlike most I've ever had, she has what it takes to stand the test of time. Now that said, I haven't done my own duty, I haven't done what I sat out to when I got out here. I have been here nearly 3 months and have only had one interview, which I might have been curious about, but obviously didn't really want. Why do I say that? I didn't get the job. Had I wanted it, I would have gone harder for it.

I just saw a new distinction. I used to consider my job as my main source of growth. For the most of my adult life, my job has been just that. I have learned a lot from work, my current level of social skills, my relationships that i have now, everything I've had financially the past several years. All due to job I had. I wouldn't have had growth without having a job. It forced me to get beyond myself and out of myself. Even if it was a job I wasn't sure I was really into. I like to think of myself as more a tactical or technical person. Stranger still I see myself as wanting to be a jack of all trades. I think by spreading out my skills it can make me better at the focus. Again, thanks to Steve for helping me put that into words. However, I feel like more of a sharpshooter. You tell me your need, and I help you get it. Facilitator and Catalyst also seem to apply as well.

It is strange, I am feeling a sense of peace. I really need to start writing in a journal again. I haven't felt this in a while. Although I feel like I haven't contributed to why I am here, even though I haven't found the exact language to express my purpose. As while I spoke of titles above, I also have my own missions. While I want to help people get what they want and to serve the greater good, I have other ways of wanting to do that versus just via people. Hence the jack of all trades.

I'm still not sure what I'm going to do, save take one day at a time at this point. I have nothing left to really loose. One thing I do have left is my health, and I think I'll try and do what I can to preserve that, while working to get into a positive environment to use my abilities to their fullest.

Hi:

I don't really have anything to say, other than it looks like you're level-headed, and you'll land on your feet.

Good luck, in 2009!

[straysweeper]

Originally Posted by Starman

Hi:

I don't really have anything to say, other than it looks like you're level-headed, and you'll land on your feet.

Good luck, in 2009!

Reading that made me laugh. Thank you.