Growth Blitzing - Painful Story

[nothoughts]

I was in third grade elementary school, like 9 years old, when I first faked a signature.
I got a C in mathematics, before I always got A’s, so I was really afraid to tell my parents about it.
So I faked my mothers or fathers (I don’t remember anymore) signature.
The truth never came out.
In high school I got a lot of bad grades in some minor tests but not in the big ones so I didn’t tell my parents. I knew I would get a D in mathematics in the half-year report, but my parents would expect me to have an C. To cover up all my other lies before I faked the D into an C, but it was bad made so my parents found out. They were really devastated, but covered up for me. They destroyed the report and gave me a notice for my teacher, that they had accidently thrown away the report.

Some years later I faked a report for another girl in class, it never came out.
In my first year in university I needed money, so I faked some artworks and sold them, I also faked a bad university report into a good one, but just for my parents to see.
Since then I stopped faking things, I graduated and all went well.
After reading Steve’s book I have to say first it was mostly an lack of courage, which made me do those things, I hadn’t got the courage to tell my parents my failures.
I wasn’t aligned with truth either. With the artworks I thought of myself as of being clever, I didn’t had any bad feelings about it. To be true, I didn’t have bad feelings about that now. I just had fear to get caught. I would say I’m now in a shift from ( what would Steve call) darkworker to lightworker.
But there are a lot of concepts I cannot get the feeling at the moment, so I have the feeling that lightworkers are a bit stupid, because they don’t “mooch”. I liked finding new ways to “mooch”, make a lot of profit with no real effort. But I have to say that Steves book gave me new insights, I still have to process. So thanks Steve !
So the last three days I’m doing the “Growth Blitzing” techniques from his book, I try to do all seven tasks in a day, because it’s more of a challenge and I like challenges.
Yesterday I didn’t complete the “authority” and the “courage” exercise, and I think I really have problems with having real courage. My way until now was more like faking courage later because I had no courage in the first place. And I have to say it’s really good for oneself to tell the truth, it’s a relaxing feeling of freedom in the mind.
And yes I just wrote this to do my “Oneness”- Exercise for today, so I hope it works although I don’t have the right mindset yet.

[funchy]

I havent read his book yet. It's on my wish list to buy when I have book money. Thanks for the good review of the book!

It's great to hear you learned from your faking mistakes.

I disagree in the mooching principle. The reason is because the things you mooch have to come from somewhere, so someone else is shorted. If you sponge off a friend to get a dinner cheap, the friend bears the burden of the responsibility that you shirked. That's not a kind thing to do to others.

I am a giving person, so others try to sponge off me. It's a sure way to get me to not return your phone calls or have time for you. Maybe you get one meal for free, but you lose friends. Is it worth it?

However, there is a huge difference between "mooching" and looking for more efficient ways to obtain what you need. Can you give examples of what you had in mind?

[nothoughts]

@funchy
Thank you for your commentary.
I think you’re right in what you say about mooching and the problem which can occur.
For an example I once sold Kabbalah-strings on Ebay, I just took a big ball of wool, cut tiny peaces and sold them for 10 Euros a piece. The ball of wool had cost me 7 Euros.
And I sold like 70 pieces so I made a lot of money. And the “real” (i.e. there a no real Kabbalah-strings, so it was legal to do) are just strings too. But afterwards I think it really was mooching. But some people even liked the product so I don’t know exactly.

[nothoughts]

Another story, it's about letting go, I think.

I was once in love with a friend of mine. I’m gay but my friend didn’t know and nobody else did at this point.
I knew that I could never tell her because she was heterosexual and I thought she wouldn’t understand.
So some years later on a new year party I saw her with some guy in a room kuddling and I knew that this guy was sort of a playboy. I was very sad so I run away from the party, kicking some stuff out of the way, taking my boyfriend with me and left the party. Then I wrote her an text message saying that she doesn’t care about me. Next day my friend wanted to know what’s up with me, why I have send her this strange message and so on. So I decided to tell her the truth and invited her over to my place for the next day. Before I told her about it, I asked her to promise me that we would be friends afterwards. She did. So I told her that I was in love with her. She was really shocked and asked me about my boyfriend. I told her, that I didn’t love him, seeing him more like a friend.
She said we should talk a half year later or so. When she went away I thought we aren’t friends anymore, I cried a lot and a week later I wrote her a message if we still are friends. She said yes and we went skiing with my boyfriend. One year later I ended it with my boyfriend, I thought it wouldn’t be right to take him along.
The relationship between me and my friend was since I told her, strange. Sometimes she looked at me with so much despise in her eyes and I understand it. We don’t touched each other anymore which was very strange at my birthday when she didn’t gave me a handshake. But all in all I was happy to see her. Then one day she told me about some longer trip she would make with some friend to Thailand. I always wanted to go to Thailand, make a longer trip and especially with her, so I thought I should take a chance and asked her on the phone if I could come with them.
She told me that would be unpleasant or awkward (don’t know the right word in English) for her.
So I asked her to be truthful and tell me if meeting with me in general was awkward for her. She said yes. So I said it would be best if we wouldn’t see each other again.
Half hour later she called me again to tell me that the other girls she went on the trip also didn’t take someone with them. But I told her, it’s not the real reason, isn’t it, and so on. I didn’t wanted to see the friendship end but I didn’t wanted her to do things with me if she hated being around me.
There is nothing in my life I’m more sorry than about this move. I regret it so much. I tried to get in contact afterwards but she wouldn’t let me. I thought at bladenight, it’s a night where a lot of people drive through the streets in the night on inline-skates, I would see her again and we would be friends again. I saw her drove by and said hi, but she just said nothing, stared along as if she didn’t knew me.
I drove along but she took out some tissue to hide her face so I drove away.
I wrote her some E-Mail asked her if we could meet again with some friends, she answered and said it wouldn’t be good and she doesn’t want to.
I got a really bad depression, I felt like the sense of my life was gone.
Half year later I asked her in an E-Mail if we could just be penpals, writing each other, I never got an answer. I thought I should live my life again. I tried to stop thinking about her.
I still regret that I couldn’t say goodbye to her personally.
Sometimes I get some information about her life from my exboyfriend, the one from above, I’m still friends with him, he knows everything and he is friends with her.
I ask him about the whys but there are no answers. I’m feeling guilty. But time heals everything, it’s really true but it takes a lot of time, I’m still missing her, but her as a friend. I regret it that I’ve destroyed this friendship. This year I saw her with a friend on the bladenight rolling by, my whole body wanted with incredibly force that I should follow her, run after her, I had to will myself to stop and stay at my place. I let her go.