Selfishness

[garentee]

Hi All,
I am trying to work through some issues that I have with my own selfishness. In the past month I have been told by two different people that I have not been a good friend and not been anything less than selfish. I will agree that I have indeed acted selfishly and it has made me wonder how long I have been acting this way.. (Probably my whole life). I do realize though that in order to really accomplish major personal development that there does need to be a certain level of selfishness involved.Intellectually I understand that it is important to be a balance of selfish and selfless, but I have not really arrived at a point where I can really understand that emotionally. I definitely know that if I want to raise a family which I have always wanted to do, I need to come into better balance. I was hoping that people could weigh in on this issue. I think that there needs to be more selfilessness all the way around.

[Elrond]

Selfishness is the only motive that exists. - IMO

Your friends motivation for calling you on your selfishness was most likely selfishness.

How do you define selfish/selfless?

Striking a balance between selfishness and selflesness can be tricky, and there are no golden rule on that as far as I know. What kind of ratio sounds logical to you, off the bat?

Find out if there is something that is desirable in what your friends would like more of from you. I'm not saying to be something you're not for them, but to see if there may be something that you resonate more with than your current state of being and expression.


IMO follow your own intuition and integrity when it comes to this, more than the opinions of other people.

[crescive]

Understand that you depend on others to make you happy. If you understand that, then there is no need to be selfish.

Nobody is happy independent of others. We are all social creatures. We all require love and affection. You depend on others for laughter, affection, love, and others depend on you for the same, it is already equal and balanced.

Being openly selfish is a repelling trait because nobody wants to be taken advantage of. The balance of selfishness and selflessness is to never be either of those things. You cannot be selfless because it is the "right thing to do" acting as some sort of martyr. Being selfless should mean letting go of your ego and being align to the oneness and collective identity of all things but don't be selfless and lose your individuality.

Next time, try not to behave selfishly because it is detrimental to your own wellbeing, you will just be creating resistance from others. But promote the common good and everyone will want to help you succeed.

[TonyToneTone]

Understand that you depend on others to make you happy. If you understand that, then there is no need to be selfish.

I have to disagree with this. Your happiness should not depend on other people but rather how you feel as a person.

As to the original poster, I would say to simply strive to improve yourself a little bit each day. At the end of each day ask yourself: "What did I do wrong today?" and let the day's events play through your head. If anything comes up that you would consider negative, visualize how you should have handled it and then move onto the next event until you go through your entire day. Then ask yourself: "What did I do right today?" and let those events play through your mind. Do more of the good and less of the bad.

Afterwards you could visualize how you would like your next day to go.

Does that help?

[garentee]

Originally Posted by Elrond

Selfishness is the only motive that exists. - IMO

Your friends motivation for calling you on your selfishness was most likely selfishness.

How do you define selfish/selfless?

Striking a balance between selfishness and selflesness can be tricky, and there are no golden rule on that as far as I know. What kind of ratio sounds logical to you, off the bat?

Find out if there is something that is desirable in what your friends would like more of from you. I'm not saying to be something you're not for them, but to see if there may be something that you resonate more with than your current state of being and expression.


IMO follow your own intuition and integrity when it comes to this, more than the opinions of other people.

Thanks for your response. I guess I should say that one of these friends was reacting to something that I did that I definitely see was selfish... yet very convoluted. The other said it as a very general statement. I never have really seen myself as very selfish, but since I AM a human being I have the ability to act in such a way. I am not sure what a good ratio of selfishness to selflessness would be. Probably somewhere around 60% selflessness though. I am doing the best that I can with what I have and realize it is all I can do.I guess I have to just pay attention to my actions and go from there.

[makessense]

Originally Posted by garentee

Thanks for your response. I guess I should say that one of these friends was reacting to something that I did that I definitely see was selfish... yet very convoluted. The other said it as a very general statement. I never have really seen myself as very selfish, but since I AM a human being I have the ability to act in such a way. I am not sure what a good ratio of selfishness to selflessness would be. Probably somewhere around 60% selflessness though. I am doing the best that I can with what I have and realize it is all I can do.I guess I have to just pay attention to my actions and go from there.

This is a similar situation my friend was in. Many people were calling him selfish because he wanted to improve himself. He blew off many invitations to gatherings and did things that many would consider selfish. I agree, though, that when somebody calls somebody else selfish, it is for their own selfish reason -- You're not satisfying their needs. Well, being the personal developer you are, you'll be able to find out what it is exactly they want and gauge what you have to do to remedy the situation.

what was it that you did anyways?

[garentee]

What I did is over and done with. It is just a symptom of some underlying selfishness. Hence my post.. I really do not want to bring it up. Sorry. Thanks G

[mahreenferdous]

A lot of the time what is refered to as selfish behaviour is just fear induced behaviour. Fear holds us back from being our true selves from acting how we really wish to act. When we are act despite our fear we act from a place of truth. I have found that the best way to work on what we call selfishness is to work on fear of not having enough or being enough.

[ZHereford]

Hey garantee,

Needless to say, some form of selfishness is necessary for your survival. On the other hand, disregarding the needs and feelings of others is ultimately both self-defeating and imprudent.

If I were you I would do some critical thinking on those situations where others called you selfish and determine:
a) what it was that made it a selfish act
b) how you could have acted differently or in the best interests of everyone.
c) how you can learn from the situation

All the best!

[garentee]

Originally Posted by mahreenferdous

A lot of the time what is refered to as selfish behaviour is just fear induced behaviour. Fear holds us back from being our true selves from acting how we really wish to act. When we are act despite our fear we act from a place of truth. I have found that the best way to work on what we call selfishness is to work on fear of not having enough or being enough.

I agree1000%. I am striving and succeeding at breaking those fears down to a level that do not induce such behaviors. So hard. so worth it.

[garentee]

Originally Posted by ZHereford

Hey garantee,

Needless to say, some form of selfishness is necessary for your survival. On the other hand, disregarding the needs and feelings of others is ultimately both self-defeating and imprudent.

If I were you I would do some critical thinking on those situations where others called you selfish and determine:
a) what it was that made it a selfish act
b) how you could have acted differently or in the best interests of everyone.
c) how you can learn from the situation

All the best!

Thanks for this I will report back later when I have had a chance to at least do a little reflection. I really appreciate everybodys input here. G

[crescive]

Originally Posted by TonyToneTone

I have to disagree with this. Your happiness should not depend on other people but rather how you feel as a person.

Yeah, I know it sounds bad but it is actually true if you think about it. Of course, happiness comes from yourself, I don't mean depending on others as in not being able to be happy unless someone else influences you to be. I mean, you live in a world that is created with the help of other people. You could say that you could be happy just being at home alone reading but that book was created by someone, so will be the chair you sit on and the house you live in. I'm saying, recognize the collective unity of all that exists. Everything exists together. Everything around you is a reflection of yourself. If you are happy, happiness is around you. If you are selfish, selfishness is around you. Everything is a reflection of yourself. I'm not saying you can't be happy unless someone else is making you happy, no, not at all. I'm saying you can't be happy unless you're in harmony with everyone and everything around you. Understand that dependence doesn't mean reliance, you don't rely on others to make you happy, it just means that your well-being depends on things outside of yourself. Your well-being depends on food, water, shelter, love...these are all things outside of yourself.

Basically, everyone and everything should be treated with equal respect. Nobody is better or worse than you, and you're not better or worse than anyone else. This is why I don't believe in selfishness, its based on ideas that you are more deserving of something than someone else is. I don't believe this is true. Everyone deserves the utmost.

[garentee]

It has been an intense few days around these parts. I have been thinking a lot about this selfishness post. Possibly the most significant idea that has been presented to me from outside this forum is to have a goal of thinking of the other person and not hurting people so damn much. I have hurt a lot of people I care about this year. Alot of it is because I was being truthful with myself and speaking up. Also though it was fear. I cannot say I will never hurt anyone again..I wish to do it less and take more responsibility for it that I used to(On this front I have gotten a LOT better)
I am witnessing a situation which clearly illustrates how far this fear and hate and selfishness and greed and all those type of emotions can go. I see the fear and pain in the parties involved and its truly agonizing to watch let alone be somewhat of an involved party. I really am not going to go into it here because of just how crazy and insane it is...But I am watching the selfishness play out right before my eyes... It has caused me to really question an awful lot of stuff. I certainly see how incongruent that amount of selfishness is with who I want to be or even am. there is a lot of truth to the idea that everything you need answers to is right before your eyes, just that sometimes you do not see it.
I will end this post with a quote from my uncle who at this moment is in an intensive care unit recovering from open heart surgery with some massive complications. I went to see him the other day and was shocked that I could not really communicate with him...This really sums up the balance of selfishness and selfishness of which I was originally thinking of....
Maturity is the ability to express one own feelings and convictions balanced with consideration for the thoughts and feelings of others...

[CroMagna]

Originally Posted by crescive

Understand that you depend on others to make you happy. If you understand that, then there is no need to be selfish.

Nobody is happy independent of others. We are all social creatures. We all require love and affection. You depend on others for laughter, affection, love, and others depend on you for the same, it is already equal and balanced.

Being openly selfish is a repelling trait because nobody wants to be taken advantage of. The balance of selfishness and selflessness is to never be either of those things. You cannot be selfless because it is the "right thing to do" acting as some sort of martyr. Being selfless should mean letting go of your ego and being align to the oneness and collective identity of all things but don't be selfless and lose your individuality.

Next time, try not to behave selfishly because it is detrimental to your own wellbeing, you will just be creating resistance from others. But promote the common good and everyone will want to help you succeed.

I totally disagree. I love being alone.

[wdfavour]

Selfishness is easy.
It's basic to human nature. It doesn't require any efforts to be selfish, just look at any little baby as they grow. It's easy for them.
When you think of selflessness, the opposite of selfishness, you think of courage. You think of self esteem. You think of self awareness. Because it takes these to be selfless.
The person operating at a lower consciousness of being thinks selflessness is weakness, yet it is the highest expression of love.
Selfless sharing is the highest expression of love, and love is the greatest of all forces operating in the universe.
The more empowered you become in your innermost being, the more selfless you get. Then you begin to touch others and then you begin to bring healing both to individuals and to the human family.

[ns123]

To me, when I say someone is selfish it means they just take take take. Relationships (even non romantic ones) should be mutually beneficial. You should enjoy each other's company. You should help support one another. It's not lop sided where one person takes takes takes while the other person gives gives gives until they have nothing left.

I mean, yes, there is unconditional love. But let's face it, who wants to be around someone who just takes and takes and never supports you and always is "truthful" but in a way that makes you feel like crap? That is not a friendship I want to be in.

I'm not saying the OP is like that. So I'm just really replying if the selfish person I know in my life were to ask this question of me.

What can be done about the selfishness?
1. start giving back into your friendship. Do something for the other person, without expecting anything back.
2. apologize. Hey, thanks for putting up with my selfishness. And I'm sorry I was like that. I've decided to work on being less selfish and to step into having greater balance in my life.
3. choose to be more supportive in every moment of your life. Instead of taking, give. (and I don't mean in dollars, I mean emotionally)
4. When you tell the truth (and sometimes the truth hurts), do it gently. You can be truthful and gentle/loving at the same time. You don't have to be a jerk to be honest. (not to say that you are, just a hypothetical)

How can you be more supportive of your friends? Decide to be. I can't come up with any specific examples off the top of my head, but if you want examples, tell me what you've done that was selfish and maybe I can help you come up with a better plan to act differently next time.

That's what I would like to see in the selfish people around me. Not that they give give give to me... but that it's more balanced.