Am I being cheap? please, need honest replies

[lightthecandle]

ok, so one of my best friends (i have two) wanted to hang out with me, since its been a loooong time since we've hung out just bc of of school and what not. so I say I'm not sure.

then the day that we're supposed to go out..she again asks me if I'm up for it, and I say yes. so then she asks me if my brother can take me to her house (she lives about 12 min away in the next town) since I don't have my license (i know crazy..and i'm in my 20s! ) then she seems hesitant on the phone whether or not I should come at all (we're meeting her cousin too) because it might be too late (she tells me this even though there's like 1.5 hours till we're actually going to leave) then she tells me she doesn't want to pick me up unless I pay for gas. but for her being 12 min away from me its only going to cost her 2$ !!!! and its not even that, i would have surely paid if we go out often like every week. but the thing is the last time she drove me was to the local mall which is 10 min away and that was last year in the summer!!!!!! neither of us are rich, but we're not dirt poor either. and its not like she buys EVERYTHING herself, her parents pay for some things too. she just bought an 80 gig ipodd the past week! she works all year long, every single day (for the most part, for the past 3 years). plus she has a full scholarship at her college, so she doesn't have to worry about that. while I don't even have a job for the summer (bc I'm in therapy 3 days a week for several hours per day) and I have 20$ in my account. so my parents have to pay for pretty much everything even though they really don't have the money for it...but they're doing everything they can to scrape some money for my fam.

I just don't understand am I being the one who is cheap or is she?

[lightthecandle]

should I have told her that I'm willing to put in the money to go out with her that one day?

[Angela]

You are being stingy. Not because of the money, although gas is expensive these days and as a non-driver you may want to be sensitive to people who are filling their tanks. But because one of your best friends asked you if you wanted to hang out, and you told her you're "not sure," and then didn't respond until she was forced to check in with you again the day of your proposed event.

If you were being generous, you might have responded by telling her what a great idea, how much you're looking forward to seeing her after all this time, can we meet somewhere in the middle, or somewhere I can catch a bus to? Or how about inviting her to your place for dinner. But no, you didn't do anything like that -- instead, you are complaining because $2 is nothing for her but a fortune to you. Never mind the inconvenience of driving to get you, and then making the same trip to take you home. Never mind the inconvenience of her having her plans for the evening left hanging because you were "not sure."

Yup, it was you who was being cheap, but it has very little to do with money.

[tiawood]

I think it's a fair trade off in this case. Your friend takes the time to pick you up if you pay for gas. But I hate to see a silly issue like this come inbetween your friendship.

[Angela]

By the way, I'm sorry that sounded so harsh. I think this person means something to you, and I think it's important to you to keep your relationship flowing and healthy, so I didn't want to pussyfoot. Plus I'm a little cranky today, I'm sorry about that.

It's not too late to be generous with your friend, I mean in terms of apologizing to her for not responding more promptly and enthusiastically, and making plans that work well for both of you, comfortably within both of your budgets.

Best wishes with that, and again, sorry to be such a crank.

[lightthecandle]

Originally Posted by Angela

By the way, I'm sorry that sounded so harsh. I think this person means something to you, and I think it's important to you to keep your relationship flowing and healthy, so I didn't want to pussyfoot. Plus I'm a little cranky today, I'm sorry about that.

It's not too late to be generous with your friend, I mean in terms of apologizing to her for not responding more promptly and enthusiastically, and making plans that work well for both of you, comfortably within both of your budgets.

Best wishes with that, and again, sorry to be such a crank.

its ok.

but the thing is she asked me the night before, and I said I'm not sure because I have to ask my dad who comes home the morning that we're supposed to go out.. and she KNEW that...but she just called me later on in the day to make sure and see if my dad said yes.

and also 2 $ is nottttt alot to me. I don't care about 2 measly dollars of 10 or 20 dollars for that matter. its the thought that counts..the fact that she couldn't come pick me up for such a trivial matter is what is upsetting. she's my best friend for heaven's sake...its not going to kill her to make one little sacrifice. and another thing...last summer when she picked me up to go to the mall..i payed her 5 $ just to go to the mall without her telling me even.

the thing is, i just felt like I was being taken advantage of because she knows I'm vulnerable, gullible, and that i'd listen to whatever she says.

[lightthecandle]

Originally Posted by tiawood

I think it's a fair trade off in this case. Your friend takes the time to pick you up if you pay for gas. But I hate to see a silly issue like this come inbetween your friendship.

No, I see where you're coming from..I mean we've been best friends for the past 10 years. the thing is she's always cheap. Last Christmas, I bought her a picture frame that cost me 20 bucks. and she bought me a cheap make up set..like the one you buy at the 99 cent store (i'm not kidding)...I know for a fact that she didn't buy that herself to give to me, I think she probably got it from someone else (like her aunt) and decided she didn't want to keep/want it, and decided to just hand it down to me.

and I really don't want you guys to get the wrong idea..and I'm not one of those people who NEEDS expensive presents, honestly, I'd rather not have them or make my friends pay for them. Honestly, if she gave me a card and a bag of twizzlers( my favorite candy) I'd be moreeeeee than thrilled...I'm not even kidding..because at least in twizzlers there's some meaning and I love them and she knows that. I'm not saying she should have bought me for something at least for 20$ like I had bought her the picture frame (which came from the heart, bc she loves flowers and she loves the color pink). Its notttttt the money I'm concerned about...seriously..its the lack of thought or care.

[Brutha]

What is your problem?
Why do you think that labeling people as "cheap" has value?

She behaves like she behaves and it's your choice to accept her behavior or don't. There is no right decision.
You can make a choice to respond to her in any way you like.

[lightthecandle]

Originally Posted by Brutha

What is your problem?
Why do you think that labeling people as "cheap" has value?

She behaves like she behaves and it's your choice to accept her behavior or don't. There is no right decision.
You can make a choice to respond to her in any way you like.

I know, but shes my best friend and has been for 10 years, so I'm not going to leave her just for this one thing.

I just want to know if I'm being irrational or if I'm at fault, and should have took the ride and paid the money like she told me to do so.

I'm sorry if I seem vain in my posts. that is not my intention, I just want to know what I should have done / should do for next time or whether or not, you guys would've reacted the same way.

well, not that I look back, she hasn't exactly been a "best friend". thats someone who will always be there for you and you can run to with problems about anything, and honestly she is NOT that person. If I have an emotional/personal problem she is not the person who i'd turn to (my other best friend is) at first or second. she doesn't care about my problems or reply with anything helpful or constructive.

[Brutha]

I just want to know if I'm being irrational or if I'm at fault, and should have took the ride and paid the money like she told me to do so.

I don't think that the concept of being at fault has value.
You don't have to act according to some rules.

[lightthecandle]

Originally Posted by Brutha

I don't think that the concept of being at fault has value.
You don't have to act according to some rules.

but I need to know so that I don't make the same mistakes next time. maybe I shouldn't be a little sad over this?

again, its the thought that counts.

[ellie]

I disagree, she's cheap!

It's really petty, to ask for gas for a 10 min drive - seriously. How would she react if you would of done the same thing to her? I bet she would put up a fuss.

Doesn't sound like much of a friend, if she then decides she can't be bothered picking you up. I could understand if she was an hour way, but seriously 10-12 min is not going make a difference. Actually if a so called friend did that to me, I wouldn't be going out of my way to keep in contact with them.

I would be annoyed too. I think you're probably questioning why you have a friend that would treat you this way, I know I would be. Maybe you're starting to realise your on different paths.

[Brutha]

but I need to know so that I don't make the same mistakes next time.

There is nothing to know.
You can make a decision to have certain standards. There's no right decision. You just make a decision and accept responsibility for the consequences.

You won't get anything by debating whether she is cheap. You can freely choose how you react to her behavior.

[Alexjstrandberg]

it's not the money, it's you setting proper boundaries. It's only two dollars so it's not that big of a deal, which you know, but yet something still feels icky and off about the whole thing. It seems like she is taking advantage on some level of you and you feel it.

[Kaspian]

What I see reading this thread is that the $2 for gas represents an imbalance in the relationship that perhaps you have felt all along. It's not about the money; it's about whether or not you feel she is thoughtful. (Make-up kit vs Twizzlers is another example.)

Are you really that close? or have you been calling each other best friends for years even though perhaps you have drifted apart? What if you allow the relationship to be what it is instead of trying to fit it into the old mold? Spend time together, give gifts, or call her on the phone because you want to, not because you think you should.

[DayInTheLife]

Originally Posted by lightthecandle

and also 2 $ is nottttt alot to me. I don't care about 2 measly dollars of 10 or 20 dollars for that matter. its the thought that counts..the fact that she couldn't come pick me up for such a trivial matter is what is upsetting. she's my best friend for heaven's sake...its not going to kill her to make one little sacrifice. and another thing...last summer when she picked me up to go to the mall..i payed her 5 $ just to go to the mall without her telling me even.

the thing is, i just felt like I was being taken advantage of because she knows I'm vulnerable, gullible, and that i'd listen to whatever she says.

If you are never the one that drives, it is perfectly reasonable that she ask you for gas money. Whenever someone else drives you anywhere, you should always at least offer to compensate them for gas. If I had a friend who never offered and I was always driving, I'd ask for gas money too.

[InterfaceLeader]

Originally Posted by lightthecandle

I know, but shes my best friend and has been for 10 years, so I'm not going to leave her just for this one thing.

...

well, not that I look back, she hasn't exactly been a "best friend". thats someone who will always be there for you and you can run to with problems about anything, and honestly she is NOT that person. If I have an emotional/personal problem she is not the person who i'd turn to (my other best friend is) at first or second. she doesn't care about my problems or reply with anything helpful or constructive.

It sounds like you don't actually like her very much.

[jaamkie]

I can't imagine asking a friend for gas money for something local, unless it got routine and annoying, where I'd probably tell them that directly and stop hanging out as much, rather than ask for money... on the other hand, it is always better to take personal responsibility and look at yourself before you look at someone else's flaws; and here you are requiring her to pick you up and then fussing about her request after the fact... If you're asking advice for next time, pay up without argument, because it is fair, if petty. But I also agree with everyone on here to examine why you even want this friendship when you're so critical of her.