Letting a friend go

[thef0x]

I once looked up to him, valuing intelligence over character.

He no longer has any value to me. He is pathetic.

We were best friends, what do I do?

[Michael Chui]

It sounds like you've already decided.

[thef0x]

I love him as a brother but he weighs me down.

When do I cut him off.

I already know how to answer these questions, I need to consult my mind and decide.

I'm afraid. And I'm afraid for him. He's beginning to use anti-depressants. I don't know what to do. I want him to act for himself and he can't. I cannot tell him how to act and feel. I feel lost in trying to help him.

[stephencp]

First you need to decide which is more important to you, helping him ("I feel lost in trying to help him.") or helping yourself. If you try hard I think you can find a way to do both.

Stephen
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[Michael Chui]

I agree with Stephen, though I don't like his wording; the first thing you need to do is make a decision whether to let him go or to help him. If you're not sure, you have to look inside yourself and find the choice.

Make that decision. There's nothing inherently wrong about either choice, in my opinion, so to me, it ultimately comes down to what you want.

Once you've decided and think you can stick to it, tell us.

[legend]

You do not have to try and predict the future
If I say this he will feel that
If I leave he will not cope

Maybe you are not supposed to be here for him
Maybe he is here for you
To help you grow and become stronger
It seems so difficult to know what to do but
Time will take whatever path you choose and use it for your pesonal growth
Believe that

I do not think you can have have a level of "high intelligence" without character
I know some of you are typing a response to that before I even finish.
Intelligence gives you a choice that others do not see
you weigh the pros and cons of right and wrong and make a choice

So your friend is either not that intelligent or he is making a choice against character (as you see it. Character is defined by the person unless you are talking about some Global Character based on religious principals)

Spend more time working on you and your growth, question your character and intelligence
You know what to do
He will be fine (Love Him)

Hope I don't sound too Michael Jackson(Man in the Mirror)

I'm sending you some love too get through this

Much Love

[Fusebox]

thef0x, I really believe you must MAKE a decision and then follow it through.
Now the advice I would give (not knowing the full story etc) is to probably move on. You will definitely come to times when you will strongly regret the decision, and perhaps even feel like consolidating again. However treat your decision with great leadership. Once you make it you must run with it.

Just my opinion.

Let us know what you do btw.

[Flame]

Originally Posted by thef0x

I love him as a brother but he weighs me down.

I want him to act for himself and he can't. I cannot tell him how to act and feel. I feel lost in trying to help him.

I've been in a similar situation. When both you and he feel like you're his lifeline, you both start drowning. If he's taken the steps to see someone & is taking his meds daily, it looks like he is able to make some choices.

It doesn't have to be and either/or situation where you either have contact with your friend or don't. Whether you see him daily or none at all, you need to distance yourself mentally/emotionally from the situation You can express your concern & support, but also limit contact. Just be clear about why, without criticizing him (eg you don't feel like you're equipped to help; you feel like you're hurting him by being a crutch; you're in a tough spot yourself; it's helps to have support from a 3rd party like a counselor etc).

Obviously this is harder to do than write. In my case, we eventually set set it up so that I either call or meet my friend once a week at the same time. This way, he knows I care, doesn't feel abandoned, & is working on himself without needing my constant input. The beginning was rough, and there was a lot of guilting (even suicide threats, which he now realizes were manipulative and abusive), but it's now working out for both sides. I enjoy his company now, which was unexpected given where we started. If it didn't work, it would've been easier for me to taper off the interactions rather than severing ties to start with, which would have left me feeling guilty and him hopeless/helpless/abandoned.

You've mentioned that you feel he's pathetic and of no value to you, but also that you love him like a brother. Having strong, but conflicting emotions about a person makes it very hard to act either way, so whatever you do will be hard (at least at first).

These articles about helping stubborn or negative people may be helpful:
http://www.stevepavlina.com/blog/200...gative-people/
http://www.stevepavlina.com/blog/200...ubborn-people/

[shesaboutspirit]

Legend has given you a gift...

read that post again and listen for the wisdom.

It's big...

you have to be open to it though...


good luck.

Pam

[ReallyGoodIdeas]

Yeah I've been in this situation and didn't handle it well at the time. I started a post earlier, about whether you can actually help anyone. Cut to the chase, you can't. If they choose help, you may be their means of help, or not, but it's their choice - not yours.

If you hang around with someone who's drowning, they will grab you and pull you under. You need to be true to yourself, and let them know honestly what's happening for you.

You may be able to continue an association while restricting contact like Flame mentioned.

I have done this with another friend (after the disasterous one) and that one still works well for me. I gave honest feedback and continue to do so, while practicing loving them for themselves. It's actually a great lesson for me in acceptance of people who are different. This is what I'm learning from it. But I keep sensible limits on the contact now, and try not to buy into their stuff.

You need to do what's right for you in this. It will be a great lesson learned, possibly all round!

Love to you
Hazel

[lorraine99]

Hi. I'm new and I find the posts to be very helpful and insightful. I am looking forward to being a part of this forum.

[lorraine99]

I read this forum when I was in the process of making a decision about a friend of mine. I decided that I will contact him again in several months wbut not sure I'll be able to. He is having a lot of problems and I wanted to fix them even though I knew I could not. Some days I wish I could hear his voice again because I cared for him very much and still do. The last time I talked to him, I got really depressed and anxious. I have since started a new regime of medications and I blamed him for it for a while. But now I know that it was all my fault because I was misinterpreting everything he was saying. He too needs to seek help and I hope that he will. I just really hate that I might lose him forever since I told him not to call me or email me and I'll contact him when I am ready and it might take several months. The truth is, he's separated from his wife and when he told me that, that is when all of the problems started. Because I started having feelings for him and I hated myself for having those feelings since he is wrong for me for so many reasons. I am hoping in a few months time, he will have worked things out with his wife or they will have gotten a divorce and he and I can start over without me having to tell him all of the problems I had with him and why I had to give him up for a while.