Can't Figure Out My Purpose

[pianoperformer]

Hi,

I thought I knew my purpose. I'm really good at playing the piano so, I am a music major and planned to do performance as a career, though I know that's really hard usually.

But lately, I've been really lacking in motivation. I dont' know whether it's just because it's summer and I'm lazy, or, what. But I really have lacked motivation lately, and the last few times I practiced, I haven't really felt much. It scared me last week because I played once, and felt nothing. Usually I do feel something when I play.

Maybe I'm just lazy and I'm being stupid about this. But I'm not sure yet. I just don't feel inspired about much of anything right now, and I feel like I'm forcing myself to go practice. Actually, i've not even been doing that, because I just haven't even been able to make myself go practice lately, and then I feel really guilty about it and think negatively of myself. I can't afford to not practice because I'm learning some really difficult pieces, including a piano concerto.

I even feel guilty because of feeling this way, because my piano teacher has told me that I'm as good as or better than some of the grad students at the university. I almost feel obligated to continue.

So I'm kind of lost. I don't know what I want to do. I know a few things I'm good at, but that doesn't tell me much. I'm good at playing the piano, programming, and people tell me I'm good at writing.

I'm also kind of scared, because being a performance major takes a lot of work (like at least 4 hours of practice per day), and I'm afraid I'll do that, then get out of college and find nothing, and not even enjoy it. I don't want to be enslaved to practicing, only to find I no longer enjoy it, but have no other choice.

Sometimes I do get really inspired and feel like it is what I want to do. But lately that inspiration has been absent.

Whatever I do, I want to be able to help people, somehow. But I don't know with what, or how.

Don't get me wrong, there are times that I do really enjoy it...well I thought, I don't know anymore. Sometimes it's great and sometimes it just doesn't do anything for me. I feel so dead emotionally right now that I don't know what I feel.

Just to illustrate, I just listened to a recording of this piano concerto, and hearing it made me inspired, or wanting to play it that well. But I don't know how long that inspiration will last. Usually not for that long.

[Pegasus]

Sounds like you're confusing the medium with the message. What specifically has motivated you to play the piano? Would you feel the same without an audience? You say you want to be able to help people. Help them do what? Why? What quality do you bring? Often a purpose is something general like spreading joy, peace, unity, love, raising consciousness, something along those lines. The medium usually changes over time.

[pianoperformer]

I don't think I'm confusing them, as I do know the difference, I just am afraid of my current medium not inspiring me anymore.

I don't know why I play. Initially because I'm very good at it. I enjoy it sometimes, except when I have to slave away at practicing. I enjoy performing though. I don't know why. It is expression for me. I must admit it usually has nothing to do with anyone else, but I don't want it to be that way.

I want to help by raising consciousness. I think that's the most important thing we can do today. I think everything else falls into place after that.

But...how? I'm scared to death of abandoning this medium. I dont' even know if I should.

Thank you for your reply.

[Geiger]

What about voluntaring to perform at hospitals or senior centers? That will be helping people and maybe get some inspiration back at the same time... ?

[pianoperformer]

Um, I don't know, that's still not feeling quite right to me. I don't know yet.

[JimOfferman]

Take the pressure of it. Give yourself some time to explore other options...

If piano performance really is your medium, you will be drawn back to it. But don't let fear of letting go keep you from both succeeding in this medium and finding out what other media might work to carry your message.

Contrary to popular belief, the measure of success in musical careers is not talent but sheer determination. If you are not determined to make it, you simply don't stand a chance.

[pianoperformer]

Jim, thanks.

But what other mediums to try? There are other things I am good at, but don't know what to do with these.

I really, really enjoy programming as well, and also writing, like I mentioned before. These are the two things I can think of right now.

But I simply don't know what I could do with these.

Believe me I understand about the determination, which is why this scares me so much. But also that determination could be seen as meaning a lot of work with little guarantee of pay-off, realisticly, and I wonder if that is worth it. How many classical pianists are in demand today? That's retorical, by the way.

There are so many things I feel about it that I just can't put into words yet.

[supertom]

you can use piano as your medium, did your parents force you when you were young??

[pianoperformer]

No, not at all.

But now I am forced by college, lol, and I'm just not enjoying it.

OK college says only three hours is required, but how can I hope to be remotely successful with only three hours?

I feel so empty sometimes.

I think it reminds me of some of the articles Steve and Erin have written. If this is what I'm supposed to be doing, then perhaps it should be coming a bit easier?

I once had the mentality that I would just have to work really really hard right now, to get paid off....when? I don't know, I guess when I started performing. But what's the point if I'm not even enjoying it right now? You can't create art if you're not enjoying the practice of it! I realize that I'm not going to like all of it, of anything, but it just feels like I'm fighting to go up hill and am just staying in place.

This site has helped to awaken me to this fact to some extent. I thought I was going to have to basically devote every waking hour to this, regardless if I liked it or not, and now I see that that just might not be worth it.

So let's say I do work hours upon hours per day, for the next 3 years, or 5 years if I get my masters. And then I graduate and...oops, I can't find a job. And I didn't enjoy much of the last 5 years that brought me to this point, and now certainly don't enjoy the fact that I can't find a job.

The idea of performing in concert halls does appeal to me, to my more romantic side, idealist side, but it's not translating very well for me into real life.

Sorry for rambling. I need to get this out somehow.

[TheOpusMovieCommunity]

Going to college is a good thing if you want to get a job and pursue the 9-5 life. But if you want to pursue your own interests its mostly neutral. Having an education will help, but it won't be the deciding factor in your success.

I recently stopped attending all of my classes to pursue my goals, start a million dollar online business, and things have really taken off. I met Doug Vermeeren, producer and star of The Opus, and we've talked about working together. It's exciting! But enough about me, this is about you.

If you really want to find your passion, then you have to take a leap of faith. Just go for it, and don't look back. No person or opportunity is going to come up and ask, "Are you ready? Here, I'll hold your hand, and everything will be ok" It will not happen like that. That's why you need to be proactive and go do it yourself.

Take one action that will bring you closer to your goals, whatever that happens to be. And try to not THINK and just DO. Because when you overthink, you're analytical brain gets in the way of what you're heart really wants. Follow your heart, not your head. Hope this long rant helps you somehow

[pianoperformer]

Thank you for the advice, but I'm not even really sure what my passion is that I should follow. I mentioned vaguely what I would like to do, or what I want the result of whatever I do to be, but I don't know how to get there or which medium, so to speak, to use, whether piano, programming, writing, or what. I've tried to think what I would do if I had no limitations and had all the resources in the world, but I have no idea. I have various things that I enjoy, or am good at, but no one thing that really defines my life yet, and I feel empty without that, and want to figure it out.

I went to practice at 9:00 this morning, for an hour, because I have a lesson today, and at least it wasn't totally empty, but still it's not convincing enough for me.

I will note that I do not want to follow the 9-5 life. I see enough people doing that who are automata and have absolutely no goals except to pay the bills. I am not here to live like that.

[JimOfferman]

Originally Posted by pianoperformer

Jim, thanks.

But what other mediums to try? There are other things I am good at, but don't know what to do with these.

I really, really enjoy programming as well, and also writing, like I mentioned before. These are the two things I can think of right now.

But I simply don't know what I could do with these.

Believe me I understand about the determination, which is why this scares me so much. But also that determination could be seen as meaning a lot of work with little guarantee of pay-off, realisticly, and I wonder if that is worth it. How many classical pianists are in demand today? That's retorical, by the way.

There are so many things I feel about it that I just can't put into words yet.

You clearly are a bit lost at the moment... all I can say is give yourself some time to get your bearings, really. I could tell you what I think you should do, but the thing is this decision has to come from inside of you.

I will tell you this: anything worth pursuing is a lot of work with little guarantee of a pay-off. I'm afraid those factors are what makes those things worth while... if it were easy and success guaranteed, you would have done it already!

Good luck!

[pianoperformer]

What do you think I should do, out of curiosity, since it seems you do have a thought on the matter?

Hrm, I realize what you are saying, but something devoid of enjoyment? What's the point then?

Ah, here's the article I was referring to, that made me think about this a bit. Not to say I wasn't already thinking of it to some extent, but this solidified it for me.

So basically, what's the point if you have to work hard on things you don't particularly enjoy right now, for something that may or may not happen, and that you may or may not enjoy, in the distant future? It's rather depressing.

I'm not really sure what brings purpose to my life right now. Does this? Not particularly, I don't think. I like the recognition, because again I'm very good at it, but that's totally the wrong reason, and such inspiration is very ephemeral.

[JimOfferman]

I don't believe you currently possess the motivation needed to become a classical pianist and would be better of pursuing your other interests. No amount of hard work can make up for that. Without motivation, you lack determination.

You want to be a piano performer, but you don't seem to derive any pleasure from it. How would you even entertain your audience when you yourself do not enjoy it? Can a comedian who hates his own jokes be any good at what he does?

If you do not enjoy something, why on earth would you make that your career? I don't think it matters if you are a rock star or a janitor. What matters is that you enjoy doing what you do. And if you enjoy your career, it will not matter how much work you need to put in.

[pianoperformer]

Ouch, that hurts. But I see your point.

Well, I had motivation. I was all fired up about it for a while. Well it is what I was supposed to do. Been playing the piano since five years old and all, so it was the obvious choice. And I was excited. But now it's fizzled out and I don't know what's wrong or why it is like this.

But I'm scared because I don't know what else to do. I need to find some meaning or purpose but I currently don't have much of one, and that scares me. I feel rather like a sailboat unable to catch wind, just wandering aimlessly.

It wouldn't be the first time I've considered switching. Last semester, I nearly changed majors to a double major between computer science and political science (weird combo, I know), but my piano teacher convinced me to stay, saying that I was doing excellently already. So I threw myself into it again with more vigor, and now I'm back at the same place!

Totally lost...it is summer right now but classes will start in the fall, and I hate to waste credits if it's not going to be what I want to do. But I also hate to change without enough forethought. Not to mention I would have no idea which direction I'd want to go in.

I know no one can really tell me what I should do, but I just need to voice this all.

[JimOfferman]

Sorry for being a little blunt back there, but I didn't think I was going to help you by sugar coating the message.

Be glad it is summer! Means you have all the time in the world (well, until next fall anyway ) to find your new course and catch a new wind. Just don't fret, okay? Whatever you decide, you will catch a new wind. Maybe this is just a test of your determination or maybe it is a signal that you are betting on the wrong horse... take a deep breath and find out! Don't fret. You'll be fine.

[Angela]

Originally Posted by pianoperformer

Sometimes I do get really inspired and feel like it is what I want to do..

What's going on when this happens? What quality or condition do you think you are creating for yourself and for others, when you find yourself feeling really inspired? What kind of thoughts are you thinking in those moments?

[Rose of Cairo]

Brandon, is it possible that you're being a bit depressed at the moment, and that you're emotionally numb for that reason? Maybe it doesn't have much to do with playing the piano. How do you feel? Is there anything else at the moment that you are really, really passionate about? Or does your lack of motivation apply more generally to everything in your life?

Just an idea of mine. You make an impression on me as if you're going through some depression, but maybe I'm completely wrong about that.

If it's the case, don't throw the piano thing away now. You don't know how you'll feel about it when you're out of the depression. I'd say, focus on curing your depression first.

But again, I don't know, maybe you're not depressed at all...

[pianoperformer]

Jim,

No, I was joking. Well it did hurt, since it came across as I have not the capability of motivation, period, but I know that's not what you meant. I just don't have the motivation in application to music, apparently.

Hopefully I do come up with something. But I don't know how I will decide, and especially before the fall! In the past, i've thought of computer science, sociology, political science (though I don't think because there's not much one could do with that except go to law school), etc. I think I need to figure out what I want to do, first, and then how I want to go about doing that. But that's much easier said than done, and I don't know where to start.

Angela: Usually when I'm listening to really beautiful classical piano music. I think of how beautiful it is and how I'd love to produce that myself. The inspiration is short-lived, though. Also sometimes when I'm playing, and it is really good, and I think of how beautiful it is and how I'd love to play it better. This can go in one of two ways, either inspiration or discouragement. Inspiration in that I want to do better and think I can with practice, or discouragement in that it is really difficult and surely I cannot get there. But this does not happen all the time. The worst feeling ever was when it was just totally empty.

Rose of Cairo, I feel nothing. I don't know why. I'm not particularly depressed about anything. I'm just slightly apathetic. I just started practicing less, and was unable to force myself to do anything, and now I just don't feel anything, and I can't do anything. I'm not sad. I'm in fact quite a bit less irritable than usual, as I remarked in another post, because I've been working on that. It's just that all inspiration and passion has vanished. I have glimpses of inspiration about various things, but they are fleeting and I can't grasp onto them. I feel totally, emotionally neutral. Say a five out of 10. I am not happy, but am not sad. I am not angry. I am not annoyed. I do feel bouts of guilt over not practicing, but those, too, are fleeting. I also feel bouts of desperation from not knowing what on earth I'm doing.

That's the best I can explain it. I don't feel. I care about nothing.

Just to clarify. It's weird. In some senses, the last few weeks have been great. I have been more peaceful than usual. My normal state used to be very easy to anger and irritation. There were a few people with whom I refused to associate because of past hurt. Lately I've been really working on getting over all of that, and I've felt more peaceful and accepting.

On the other hand, there is everything I mentioned in my other posts in this thread, where I feel utterly lost and desperate.

[Dan.Linehan]

Originally Posted by pianoperformer

That's the best I can explain it. I don't feel. I care about nothing.

Then you're free to do anything. How are you going to serve yourself best?

[pianoperformer]

Dan,

I don't know. Is it best to serve oneself? I don't think. I need to find something though. Yes, I am free, but I am totally without passion right now to know what I might want to do. I know that I enjoy programming, for example, but don't know if that is my ultimate passion, or how I might translate that into a life path.

I mentioned before that I am certainly interested in helping to raise consciousness, but one needs a way to do that—a vehicle, so to speak.

But right now I feel dead.

[Trezker]

You keep mentioning programming. Have you tried working on that interest?

[rak]

pianoperformer ,

I can relate to your situation and actually i also expirience what you are facing today. I just figure out that we will never find the purpose of our life vecause purpose is not about finding signs and symbols it is something that we will decide which purpose we will be involved. Sometimes we say

"i must be a doctor because my dad is a doctor so i will continue what he started"

this may be correct and you can also not choose this path. whatever you are doing wheter your a muscisian or a clerk as long as you are becoming valueble to this world i believed you choose correct path, that is if you want what your doing.


pianoperformer , i also want to share to you my expirience about being tired sometimes and being boaring on what you are doing that before you are really enjoying it. Maybe you forget to take a break... everybody needs vacation and everybody needs break even the engine needs down times.

Dont be afraid to try another stuffs that you think you will enjoy it and it expand your life. sometimes its hard to quit what we are doing for a long time like to your situation your a pianist and i know you want to try something new and dont be afraid to do that. i hope you read stevespavlinas article entitled Quiting to Win and i think you check this out it might help.

[rak]

i invite you to please visit my new blogsite where i have a article entitled You dont find it, you make it

that i made and i hope this might help you

[pianoperformer]

Trezker,

Well, not really—I have to have something specific to work on. I've been planning a certain web site, so I suppose I could start that.

But I'm not sure what I could use it for in the long-run to have more purpose for me.

rak,

I respectfully disagree. Sure we can choose something, but I think there are certain things that we are really here to do.

I understand that we sometimes need to take a break, and I have been, because I haven't been able to force myself to do otherwise, but still nothing much is happening.

Thank you for the link to your article, but I still strongly disagree.

I had an interesting conversation last night with my spirit guides. Let's see if what they said is true. Or even if I heard it right, as I'm very new to such communication.

I wasn't going to talk about that much here since this isn't in the appropriate forum for that sort of thing so the people in this thread might think I'm crazy lol, but it helped me a bit. They said to have more fun with it (the piano) and not be so stuck on the idea of succeeding, since that's draining all of the enjoyment out of it. They said I'll be going back to it soon enough. They said to be proud of myself for my accomplishments so far, and not to feel guilty. I protested that I have to worry about success, because there's little chance of it otherwise, and they said, "trust."

I've been writing lately as well about spirituality and such, and think I'm going to continue doing that since I enjoy it, also.

I'm obviously still very interested in what anyone has to say, especially Rose, since I think you might have been on to something, possibly, or at least pinpointed my feelings rather well. But really if anyone has anything to add, I would love to hear it.

[rak]

No problem everybody have their personal point of view and i respect yours.

thanks for visitng my blog

[JimOfferman]

Originally Posted by pianoperformer

I protested that I have to worry about success, because there's little chance of it otherwise, and they said, "trust."

I have never talked to any spirit guides, but I do have to agree with them on this one. My personal experience is that the less I worry about success (or failure), the more successful I am.

[Angela]

I agree that a life purpose is pretty dead if it's only for you. An inspiring life purpose is one that actually generates something for you and for the world. I acknowledge your tenacity in going for real inspiration.

There are very few things in my life that have been more inspiring than music. If I had to give up any of my senses, my hearing would not be the one I'd choose, because my life without music would be tragic. It's like food. In a very real sense, when you commit yourself to expressing yourself through music, you are actually feeding the hungry. And by censoring yourself or hindering your expression by telling yourself you're not good enough, you're actually withholding benefit.

Whatever life purpose you invent for yourself, are you dynamically willing to make a difference in people's lives? How would that look for you?

[pianoperformer]

Angela, music does the same thing for me. I'm really glad to hear it is the same for you.

It is interesting what you say. i've thought in the past, that I wonder how many people, when coming from a classical concert, really thinks of it anymore, though. My point is, I sometimes wonder how much of an effect it has?

Yes, you are right, I do want to make a difference in people's lives. I am trying to figure out whether music is a valid medium for that. Right now I'm unable to come up with anything better, because to me music is perfect, but I don't know how others react to it.

Feeding the hungry—I like that.

[Angela]

Originally Posted by pianoperformer

My point is, I sometimes wonder how much of an effect it has?

So many concerts I've been to, when I recall them my heart swells two sizes too large, like the Grinch in his good days.

God, the unbridled and transcendent joy -- ecstasy, even -- that I've felt after listening to some of the incredible concerts I've heard in my life, and even certain albums that never get old for me.

I am so grateful to the late Michael Brecker, who was so hugely generous with his gifts to the world. If he had been stopped by "I'm not good enough" (he wasn't always as good a player as he eventually became) -- there would be a richness missing from my life. And it's not just the music. By recognizing the shared humanity between us, it inspires me to let go of my own "I'm not good enoughs" and to realize that by withholding or judging my own creative expression, I may actually be robbing richness from some other person's life. If you think that sounds narcissistic, try on that that's another way you have of limiting your own creative self-expression. Imagine a world in which we all, every one of us, were like children in our freedom to give all we've got creatively.

You could be a person who inspires that kind of freedom.

...one more thing -- one evening in a writing class, I was bemoaning that I would never be as talented at what I do as Michael Brecker was at what he does. A woman in the class took me aside and said, "You can't see it if you don't have it," and that has become my new motto. If you can perceive beauty, it's because something is resonating with your own beauty -- the beauty that is you. You are seeing yourself in the mirror.