pdnewbie

[pdnewbie]

Hello world. I am 25, unemployed, live with my parents, never been in a relationship, never had a friend of my own. I'm pretty sure i suffer from social anxiety, and that makes me a poor performer in every job i ever had. I have a degree in electronics/computer systems engineering/business, but that doesn't do much for me in holding a job. I graduated in 2005. After doing the StrengthsBuilder exercise, my top five signature themes were: intellection, input, learner, command, and ideation. I guess that makes me an information junkie.

What would you do if you were me? Please don't write anything off-colour.

[Ecce Homo]

Originally Posted by pdnewbie

Hello world. I am 25, unemployed, live with my parents, never been in a relationship, never had a friend of my own. I'm pretty sure i suffer from social anxiety, and that makes me a poor performer in every job i ever had. I have a degree in electronics/computer systems engineering/business, but that doesn't do much for me in holding a job. I graduated in 2005. After doing the StrengthsBuilder exercise, my top five signature themes were: intellection, input, learner, command, and ideation. I guess that makes me an information junkie.

What would you do if you were me? Please don't write anything off-colour.

Well let me be the first to congratulate on taking the first step, which is getting involved in personal development. I often forget that most people really are not on this kind of path at all, so the fact that you are is amazing and fantastic! Recognizing that you have a "problem" and finding your way to a site like this is an auspicious beginning. You obviously have intended to find out what you need to do to change your life. It's only a matter of time now, if that.

[adventurerneil]

Hi pdnewbie,

Welcome! I'm actually really new to this website myself, having only read a few of the blog postings. But I do consider myself somewhat adept at personal development, and have made it a goal for the last 9 years or so. I 1000% agree with Ecce - that taking the first step to look in the mirror and decide to be proactive is hard, sometimes even terrifying. The fact that you're doing that now with yourself and with a bunch of people you don't know online says something major about you.

A little bit about me - I'm also 25, unemployed, and am living with my mom currently. So I feel like I can relate to you a little. I grew up an only child but have always been fairly social and had a few good friends, even when I was at my most shy. So I can't relate or know exactly what it is to have social anxiety on your scale, though social fears are still some of my biggest. A few questions - have you seen any doctors about your anxiety? Are you taking any medication related to it?

As for what I would do if I were you... I guess I'd allow myself to take it slow. You're not going to change over night, and you shouldn't expect that of yourself. Let who you were, who you are, and who you want to be really sink in. Development takes time, and is easiest through small steps.

Here are some resources I've used in my personal development:

Books/Ideas (extremely important to the way I think/live)

+Conversations With God by Neale Donald Walsch - This is a trilogy that I read from 17-19 that really had a strong impact on how I think. Highly recommended for its spiritual value, its "think for yourself" attitude, and its inspiration.

+Eat Mangoes Naked by SARK - This book is about finding pleasure and joy in times of darkness/despair. It will make you feel a lot lighter and happier, most likely, and inspire much personal development. I love pretty much all her books.

+You Shall Know Our Velocity!! by Dave Eggers - This is a good novel by a great author. It's about meaning, travel, and living freely.


Experiences/Adventures (important because they force you to grow)

+After high school, I was an exchange student with AFS Intercultural Programs to Bolivia for a year. It was the hardest--and happiest--year of my life.

+After that, I went to Colorado State University - Fort Collins and had a great time with college life, both the partying and the studying. I want to get a master's at some point, but that time isn't now.

+Most recently, I've been doing wilderness therapy with troubled teens at SUWS Wilderness Programs. Picture lots of rich kids with lots of problems in a desert, and trying to lead them around and guide them for 2 weeks at a time. You'd better believe it was tough but rewarding!


Blogs (important because they keep you sharp & involved in your goals)

+Well, obviously Steve Pavlina has some good stuff to say, otherwise we wouldn't be here! Keep reading this one.

+I've recently stumbled onto The Art of Manliness, which is a great blog dedicated to the values, morals, habits, and thinking of males. While I like to leave the question of what's "manly" and what's "feminine" wide open, I do agree with 90%+ of what this blog says and does.

+Last spring I discovered a cool blog at Approach Anxiety, which is about, well, getting over your social fears. It mostly focuses on how to get over those fears in the context of approaching women, but does so in a really holistic and respectful manner. It advocates small steps and being real on your way to becoming more confident around women.


I hope this all helps. I realize that this may be information overload, but like I said, one thing at a time. My heart went out to you after reading your post (which is the first post I ever read on here) and I decided I had to register and write this. Do with it what you will, look forward to hearing more from ya!

-Neil

[pdnewbie]

I have been reading Steve Pavlina's blogs since 2006, hoping that I could apply what he's writing about. However the whole thing seems too hard. Especially after reading 'Now, discover your strengths', it just feels like I'm not wired for intensive long range planning and that I just can't start anything on a consistent basis even if I wanted to. All I'm good at is consuming information, things, intimidating and being intimidated by people. Is personal development even possible after a certain age? Or are we doomed to perpetual failure, dependence and eventual poverty?

[MrNotebook]

Welcome pdnewbie! Right now I don't have much advice other than keep on working on discovering your interests (other than computers), but just wanted to welcome you to the neighborhood. Don't worry, we're all trying our best to improve...you 'll eventually get there.

Just keep working on your inner self and all truths will be revealed.

[pdnewbie]

If you've read what I've written before, you'll understand that whatever I'm doing is not working. My question is can people change? If they can, how long does it take? I'm not the kind of person who accepts trying without progress. To use an analogy, I don't want to be someone who keeps digging for gold in a place where there isn't any.

What would you do if you were me?

[MrNotebook]

Originally Posted by pdnewbie

If you've read what I've written before, you'll understand that whatever I'm doing is not working. My question is can people change? If they can, how long does it take? I'm not the kind of person who accepts trying without progress. To use an analogy, I don't want to be someone who keeps digging for gold in a place where there isn't any.

What would you do if you were me?

pdnewbie, I think part of what you need to do is begin working on accepting that change is oftentimes not instant. In my experience, I have witnessed change to be a (often painful) process. Change can take years.

What worked for me was praying and steadily going in the direction I was led by whatever lessons I learned in the Holy Bible.

The mindset I had to develop with beginning to accept the slow process of change began with patience. Its all about not "looking" for change per se, but letting go of expectation and simply doing what you're doing (now) to eventually help you get there. Before you even realize it, you'll wake up one day and reality will be all that you've been working toward the whole time.

Essentially just don't lose heart, keep doing what you're doing and try your best to let go of the anxiousness and/or anticipation.

[Lauxa]

If I were you, I'd take the advice in this thread and join the Peace Corps and work in a third world country for a while. I always wanted to do something like that, but I met my future husband in my first semester of college and got tied down in a job and now have 2 young children so I just keep putting it off. But you are young and college-educated and unfettered and also frustrated with the status quo, so why not shake things up a bit?

I think people can change, but that change starts with acceptance of what is. That can be a hard concept to wrap your mind around, but keep it with you for some time and it may come to have meaning for you.

[A.K.Light]

Just try. It's possible to change and it's possible to make things a lot better. You made an analogy about digging for gold. You have to dig even though it might not be quick and easy, and even though you may not be certain that you'll find gold. Digging is important. Do not overlook the journey. (The little tiny actions and decisions shape your entire life. Journey over destination.) That may be what you're getting hung up on. (Just guessing.) Just start digging. You'll find your gold. You'll probably enjoy the process, too. You can do anything! (And if you can't, you can sure have fun trying.)

It's hard to say what I would do if I were you, because I have very limited information - and you didn't tell me what you wanted to do or where you wanted to end up. My short Smart Alec answer is: Something!

What are your goals and what do you want to change?

[Lazarus]

me too i'm surprised to see someone "get out of the basement" in a way that you have. i've joined a few hours ago actually and i find this a best place to put your opinion down and actually get facts from others. socially, i find it great and there's always people trying to help others in any way possible. and there is always something to talk about. so my thumbs up to everyone including those just coming out of the basement and hop out on outside lol congrats on the degree.

i'm 19 going on 20 in nov. living on welfare at the moment in my grandmother's house. i have a few true friends and recently broke up with my ex. i know it doesn't seem much but i'm currently applying for Wal-Mart for nightshift.

Happiness > all else
if i'm happy where i am, i'm not going anywhere else till something happens =/

[Pythia]

I just finished my Strengths finder with the same five. Rather than information junkie perhaps you should consider yourself a scholar? I picked up Now Discover Your Strenghts on the recommendation of my therapist, and have been quite pleased so far. Perhaps you can find a coach/therapist with whom you can put these strengths to work with your current skills and degree. My guess is that you can't keep a job because the jobs you have held are more in your weakest areas (deadline, followthrough, detail oriented, jeesh I'm giving myself a headache just thinking about it-blech) Whereas if you were to migrate more toward the informatics area you can use your significant computer skills as the base, please your soul by learning a new subject, then segue to the next subject (project).

Another idea (cantcha tell ideation was my #1 lol) could be to write articles about using certain computer applications for a particular lay audience (ie how to get the most out of a $300 computer program for landscaping for the guy who loves to work outside with the plants but finds studying more than one hour as painful as having teeth pulled) you get to teach yourself about a new subject, present it (command) to others, then go on to your next.

Perhaps you could simply begin by an IT job within a huge organization. Start at one department, learn it all you can, formulate and present your ideas, help them get potty trained, then transfer horizontally to the next department that sounds remotely interesting.

HTH!

[The Cloud]

Find the thing that causes you the most internal conflict, and work on that hardest. I'm guessing it is the social anxiety that is making things most difficult for you, so I would suggest getting help on that or at least working on it on your own. I don't know how social anxiety works, so you're going to have to figure out what to do about it, but obviously something needs to be done if you want to progress anywhere with people. You obviously already have the humor prerequisite ( I just noticed your Hello World joke.)

The worst thing you can do is play the blame game. It's not your fault that you are the way you are. Neither is it the world's. You are the way you are, and it is as simple as that. It's nobody's fault, least of all your own. As long as you blame somebody, you'll always have to fight against them. If it's somebody (or yourself) from the past, then you will always be fighting an enemy that cannot be fought, and you will never get anywhere. The same is true for the present. If you stop the blame, then you can start truly living.