I need help.

[sirxavier]

Hello, I need some help with my life.

I am a 23 years old male and went to college(dad funded) and got kicked out after 2 years due to bad grades. I have always being over-protected by my parents and don't know what to do now. My mentor at school adviced before I left to find a job with my current skills. However my father is willing to fund my studies(again). That's great, except he encourages me to study the things he considers good(i.e. engineering) and discourages me from the things I want to try(bachellor in arts, because I want to try as many new things as possible) and from getting a part time job.

He says life is hard without a "good" degree. He says it's his way, or my way. And I follow him.... even though it's not what I want.

I want to leave and take care of myself but I feel helpless and lacking the necessary skills.

I know I sound like a total wuss, but that's what I think I am right now, so I am asking for help.

Any analysis of my personality? Advice on what I can do? Books to read? Activities to do? Beliefs to follow? Someone to hear? Anything? I know I must do SOMETHING.

[Love]

Hi, Sirxavier.

What I read was that you wanted to try new things and get a part-time job. I don't know that this necessarily equates to living on your own. You could finish your degree at the local college and it won't cost that much. If you're finished with two years of school, that's half the battle anyway.

And if you want a job, I don't see how your father could really stop you, unless he kicked you out of the house, which would seem counterintuitive in light of the fact that he places high value on your financial success.

The way it sounds to me is that this issue is more of a issue of personal goals vs. other people's goals, and not necessarily about the logistics of living on your own? Is this true?

[sheffy4]

I say get a part-time job (or full time if you want). It doesn't matter that you don't have "skills." Most entry level jobs will train you, and then you can start getting financially stable. I wouldn't worry too much about the type of job you get now, just get a job and start saving money. That way if you want to live on your own in a few months, you will have the money to do so.
I agree with Love that you might try going to a community college. If you just want to take lots of interesting classes, this is a great way to do it because they are cheap, and community colleges often have quirky classes that you might not find at a university.
If your parents refuse to fund your education unless you choose engineering or something, don't let that stop you. Just get that job, save some money, and you could take some classes at the community college part time, or full time if you could afford it.
But mainly, don't go back to school until you really want to. It sounds like you lost interest and that's why you failed the classes.

[silicon toad2000]

what is it you want to study, a bachelor of arts is a pretty broad kind of degree. Perhaps go thorugh the list of degrees on offer together and you will probably find something you can both agree on. At 23 your brain has finished growing in terms of thought processes and if it is wired in such a way that engineering is a difficult thing for you it's probably best to find something that suits your thought processes.
A fine compromise with your paternal figure might be to study part time and work part/full time.

[The Cloud]

Looking to other people to give you answers is what got you into this pickle in the first place. Now that you know that you don't like one person's answer, you're looking for other people to provide you with a different answer with the hope that it will be the one that you want to do. I won't suggest anything for you to do, because you already know. It's a matter of whether or not you have the courage to let yourself want what you really desire. If you don't, no biggie, you'll find it eventually. Just keep in mind that you know what you are, you are just afraid to admit it.

[sweetmotion]

You know I have felt the same way. I went to university and fail pretty much all my classes. I wasn't motivated. I knew all along but I let other people beliefs influence me.

I want to get out of my parent's house but I'm not sure. My sister says I should wait 2 years save my money and go buy a condo, she doesn't know why I didn't do it before (because I am 26 years old). Part me feel I should do that but another part tells me I should follow a dream of mine to go work overseas. I never did because I was scared. I am thinking of doing it but after that I do what? My parents won't be happy. Will they let me come back home afterwards?

I am stuck between two part one follow everyone: have a house, have a steady job and have a boyfriend or take a risk and go live somewhere else.

Maybe I am over thinking because I want to escape my life. I just wasted so many years in school I don't want to do that anymore.

Knowing that I find it hard to find my real purpose. I just want to be right. I know it takes time. I should take it a day at a time but I think to much lol
Maybe like The Cloud said I am afraid to really live the way I desire.

[DayInTheLife]

Read about available programs, and choose a few you would like to possibly take.

You can't study something you aren't interested in. It just won't work. If your father does not approve immediately, negotiate with him. Try to see where he's coming from.

I won't give you any other advice except this: do not take for granted the gift that is being offered to you. A paid-for college education is one of the most valuable gifts a human being can receive. I would kill for that chance. There are thousands of people drowning in debt because they wanted a good education, and millions who will never have a chance at any formal education at all. Do not throw it away!

Make something of this.

[sirxavier]

Hey all,

First of all I want to thank you all for your insightful answers. I have really been thinking about this these two days and your input has been very valuable.

Firstly, I currently live in China because my whole family moved here when my father got a job and we will remain here for at least two more years.

I want to take advantage of this gift, but as we all know studying something at random or something that I don't want is not going work.

I want to take this chance, but I don't know what I want... I have no direction... I have never done anything for myself in my life... I have never taken big decisions... there's my big frustration... I think I need a slap in the face, paradigm shift, or something...

I thought if I study a broad subject I can learn more of what I like, want, myself, etc. But I meet resistance from my parents through this way.

I also though that another way to achieve the same goal would be to work on different jobs... but... I have never done that... and I am afraid I will not find a job.

I have been thinking after reading your answers though that I should probably communicate more with my parents, try to find a compromise.


The Cloud, you said I am afraid of admitting what I want. Perhaps I am not afraid of not finding a job, but I am afraid of all that it'd mean to get a job, of growing up, etc.

Anyway, sorry if this seems more like a random collection of thoughts and not a coherent post, I am just a little bit confused with all this information!

[Rachelle]

Hi SirXavier,

Here's my take and advice on your situation:

Originally Posted by sirxavier

Hey all,
I want to take advantage of this gift, but as we all know studying something at random or something that I don't want is not going work.

You are right - studying something you don't want is not going to work. As for studying something random - you might be surprised. Ask yourself what interests you, what do you long to learn about? What do you long to experience? I know for myself, there are tons of subjects that interest me: theatre and the arts, writing, science, cosmology, physics, philosophy, belief systems, etc. In my first year of university I took Calculus, Astronomy, Philosphy, and Theatre. I loved everything I took, but ended up going into the Arts and studying Theatre. When I started University, I really had it in my mind that I would end up in the sciences. But what do you know - it turned out to be Theatre. So... taking something 'random' might really work after all; you'll never know unless you try.

I want to take this chance, but I don't know what I want... I have no direction... I have never done anything for myself in my life... I have never taken big decisions... there's my big frustration... I think I need a slap in the face, paradigm shift, or something...

I am one of the most indecisive people I know. But recently I have been telling myself, and the universe, what it is I want. And within days - literally - opportunities have started falling right into my lap. It's amazing. It's ok to be uncertain, but I'd like to suggest to you to try an experiment. Pretend that you DO know what you want. Make a choice and a decision. Try not to worry about if it's the "right" choice or the "wrong" choice. The important thing is that you make a choice, and with confidence. Then, follow it through. Let that choice guide you and give you direction (which is really you giving yourself direction, because you are the one behind making that choice). See where it leads you. You can always change your mind if you don't like the path your choice and decision has taken you. Every journey bigins with a single step, and the first step is to make the choice to pick up your foot and walk.

I thought if I study a broad subject I can learn more of what I like, want, myself, etc. But I meet resistance from my parents through this way.

Some parents never seem to see their children as their own person with their own destiny, or free will. They have dreams for you., and that's perfectly understandable. But you owe it to yourself to live your own dreams. Please don't compromise yourself just to make your parents happy. Your happiness is important, too.

I also though that another way to achieve the same goal would be to work on different jobs... but... I have never done that... and I am afraid I will not find a job.

If you are afraid that you won't find a job... you're right - you won't! Although I'd suggest trying to avoid being a wage-slave if you can avoid it.

I have been thinking after reading your answers though that I should probably communicate more with my parents, try to find a compromise.

Communication is always positive, in my opinion. Compromise can be a good thing, but it depends on what you are compromising or sacrificing. Please be careful not to sacrifice your own happiness or dreams.

I hope I didn't give too much advice.
I wish you all the best in your journey.

Rachelle

[AnotherSon]

Hey sirxavier,

firstly you're not a wuss mate, you're just uncertain about what to do next in your life and you're looking for some worthwhile advice...all very positive and similar to like millions of others. it only becomes a problem if you put too much faith in others to tell you what your next move should be.

There's definitely some good advice on this thread, but ultimately things don't change radically from just reading forums, it takes some positive followup action, some perspective, and most of all some time, be patient.

Yea, communicating with your parents could be a very positive move, same with a close friend.

What I really wanted to get across is that while some issues can seem tough, insurmountable, end of the world stuff...they rarely are and it just takes a bit of confidence, self-believe and positive action. At the end of the day, we'l never know if arts or engineering or whatever else is 100% for us but we can use our past, our likes and dislikes as well as our strengths to inform us as to the best move we can make now. That's the most anyone can do for themselves in the present I believe.

Hope this was of some help, good luck man!

[Rafael Perez]

You do not live in your fathers shadow. If he decides h wants to fund your schooling that's great. You do not owe him anything and he does not owe you, this is his decision. You do what you want to do that makes you happy, after all it is your life and you are the one that has to live with yourself.

Parents usually have this mistaken idea that they know what is best for you. you create your own world. You make your decisions, always be grateful for the help you recieve but do not let any help impact your decision.

Your father makes his decisions based on what his concept of right and wrong is. It doesn't mean that these concepts are yours. You have your own idea of what you want out of life and you will take hold of the opportunity to grow.

You cannot grow for yourself if you are following someone elses expectations of you.

Live your life how you want to live it... discover where your true happiness is.

or live a life full of resentment towards your father for limiting the person you are.

[Alison Jenkins]

You know I would always say study what is right for you not what is right for your father. You will excell in the subject you love, not in the one you are told to do. I went against what my Dad wanted and came out with a lot higher qualifications than I would have done had I followed into the sciences.

Alison

[Amadeus]

carpe diem

Just don't shoot yourself in the head.

[hkalchemy]

I advise you to read The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People by Stephen Covey. He will steer you away from the 'personality ethic' which you seem to be stuck on and towards a deeper and lasting way of living a successful life. This is the best self development book I have ever read, but it does not offer an easy fix.