thoughts on things..

[blazer1]

Hey all ... I get drunk sometimes and write things that pop up in my head. Here are a few thoughts seperated by paragraphs, I hope it helps someone.

..........


i) I live my life 1 gram at a time, 3 long necks at a time and 8 slices at a time. I live my life waiting for pay day, I live my life waiting for things to come my way. I live my life in two week cycles with each week starting with rent and bills. I think about the future, but only enough to think about next pay day, I do think about a family, but only enough to save me embarrassment; life is like a roulette wheel, the ball (me) goes round and round the same damn circle, but I can’t ever tell where it will end up, all I know it will keep going around in the same ****ing circle and will never realise there is a world outside of the circle.

ii) Some say I look too much into things, I over analyse things, they call me egocentric, they call me paranoid they call me delusional. I just can’t seem to get over the intention behind ones speech or actions – you see, the words I utter is of no relevance to the reason why even utter these plain words. Even as I write, am I trying to teach or am I trying to profess? So subtle is the difference indeed.

iii) Young kid, I know it seems as though life is going to be as simple as it is forever, but I can tell you it won’t. Life when young is simple because there is plenty of time to become what you want, but sometimes, some people, people like me take time for granted and try to stay young forever. Of course this is not possible for my time in this existence is temporary and decreasing as I write this. So to the child who is wise, remember the cycle of work, rest and play – because life is simple as that. Rest to work, work to invest and play to spend.

iv) The most important thing in your life is you. How simple is this statement? Not as simple as it may appear. What defines you, should be you. Is this confusing? It should be. The weak tend to let the outside world define them, where the strong is defined from the inside. Learn to define your ego, without interference from the outside, then the world is your oyster. To the kids I used to pick on when you were young, I hope you have learnt this life’s lesson, for the only thing that you should pay attention to is what you WANT to be, not what anyone else thinks you are. This my son, is your Ego.

v) I live in my apartment alone and sometimes the loneliness really gets to me because I hear people talking aloud and screaming, but I can’t see anyone producing these sounds. I have no way of validating whether these sounds are real, or if they are a product of my imagination because of loneliness. Sometimes I see flashes of light in the trees outside, and just like above, I can’t ask anyone if they also seen the same light. This is lonesome. Also is lonesome when you have nobody to tell about your day, but this is lame, because the worst is when your thoughts, those voices take over you and you find yourself talking to nothing but your imagination trying to make up stories to entertain yourself. Imagine looking forward to going to sleep without interruption so you can dream about the life you would like to have? And the life you dream about is nothing extravagant, it’s what ordinary people already have! This is lonesome.

vi) Alcohol and drugs. Two things that you either reject or embrace. For you people who reject, I admire your type, perhaps you found God or perhaps your life was what I want my life to have been like. For those of you who embrace, I give you a welcoming smile and a handshake to rid you of your sins. I speak to the latter group, of whom I most relate to. I know life is difficult, you have your desires, and then you have your reality. The bridge between your desires and reality seems treacherous and non-existent. I feel for you truly. I know throughout your day you do what normal people (of the first group) do and you try to fit in, but let’s be honest, throughout the day, are you not looking towards the end of the day where you indulge in the toxins and forget about your woes? I know I do. Being high is not about feeling good anymore, or having a good time with friends, it’s a matter of survival. I don’t know if you are the same, but if I did not have the high to get home to, then well, I feel there is nothing that can comfort me in the hole that have dug myself in. You might say this is talk of the weak, but let me say, when you have dug yourself so deep into the ground, six feet seems so high up – the ground I dwell in is dark, wet and cold. The only way I for at least a few hours can be on surface level is when I am high, and how sad is this? And I wonder why I even wake up every morning.

[Jennihul]

Dude, there is a middle ground. Between 'reject' and 'embrace' there is 'enjoy in moderation.'

Try it. Best of both worlds. Though, you sound like you sold your moderation gene a long time ago.

If something isn't working, usually trying something different is the cure.

God bless.


Jennifer