My insecurities are hurting my relationship.

[reneex061]

I'm 18 yrs old an I have been been dating my current boyfriend for over a year. I was never insecure until after we started dating for a while, he had nothing to do with my change. Certain things that happened with other people have effected how I am now, so I know why I'm like this. But I wish it wasn't with him because he has never done anything wrong to make me so insecure.

I am always wondering why he didn't call me when he said he would or why he doesn't want to talk about certain things. I always think that he is cheating on me or that he is talking to someone else, or something like that. I seem to always think bad things whenever I shouldn't at all. He has never done anything I thought he was doing. I always question EVERYTHING, like where he's going and who he talks to and what about. I even do this when he is at home. He has never done anything or gone anywhere that he shouldn't have. I always ask him if any girls have talked to him and the answer is always no but I still ask or some reason. I always ask things even if i know the answer. i hate doing this to him and myself because he always gets mad when i assume things that shouldn't be in my head.

I want to be done with all of this and be okay with everything for once. But how do I be secure with everything and lose this insecurity that I've had for a while now? Please help me fix myself.

[Marth]

Well obtaining true security comes from inner peace & getting there is different for each person. Usually someone will find this from one of the following: looking deep into nature, forgiving yourself, letting go of posessions, listening to an enlightened person's advice, constant acts of love to others. There's more I don't know what they are.

For me its nature, but usually more than 1 works. As for other emotions, I dunno I really haven't been in many relationships myself, I'm only a bit older than you. But just focus on the positives in him, yourself, & the relationship.

[fwellers]

I have fought that battle. Let me share the one most important thing that turned it around for me.

I actually went to therapy for problems in my marriage relating to this. Yes, there were reasons I have trust issues, and yes trust is something that takes time to give/earn, but one thing that was said really really sunk in and made all the difference. It helped turn the corner to totally fixing my relationship and making my marriage work. This was 14 years ago !!

Basically it was that fidelity is a GIFT that one person gives another !! If one person trys to force fidelity out of another, it robs that other person of the joy of giving it. Forced fidelity is a sham. An illusion. It is not love, it's a sick form of co-dependency. It does not empower the other person, it makes them like a slave. On the other hand, allowing a person to gift you with their fidelity actually creates the joy of giving. It's a wondeful thing.
That's it, in a nutshell.

Think about it.

Well, now that I'm thinking about it, there was another related thing. Trust is like a muscle. It needs to be used to grow. It will not grow if it's not used. So, bearing in mind that you want to give your partner the joy of giving you the gift of his/her fidelity, you help that process along by giving them some trust.

You try it, and you'll see how much better your relationship will be.

I remember at first, I had to tell myself that if my trust was violated by the other person, that was out of my control, and it is their shortcoming, not mine. It wasn't meant to be, and it is not the end of the world. The upside of trusting her and allowing her to give her fidelity to me was soooo worth the risks.

My trust was never violated, and she is empowered with the joy of giving me her gift !!!!

and it works both ways !!!

I have explained it rather poorly, and I hope you can find the nugget of truth in here to turn it around for you. It did for me.

[DayInTheLife]

Originally Posted by fwellers

fidelity is a GIFT that one person gives another !! If one person trys to force fidelity out of another, it robs that other person of the joy of giving it. Forced fidelity is a sham. An illusion. It is not love, it's a sick form of co-dependency. It does not empower the other person, it makes them like a slave. On the other hand, allowing a person to gift you with their fidelity actually creates the joy of giving. It's a wondeful thing.
That's it, in a nutshell.

Think about it.

^^^ This is your answer. Give, and don't worry about receiving.

You can't take someone's love and padlock it in a box and guard it. In all honesty it is that kind of distrustful behavior that drives people away.

Love is most wonderful when you are not afraid to let it go. He will be gone from your life one day anyway, either through breakup or death, so let go now. Don't worry about when or how that end is going to come... just enjoy every moment you are together. His smile, his touch, his words, his human-ness... these moments are the most wonderful things in life, make sure you experience them fully. Don't throw those moments away by worrying.

If you make sure of that, your relationship will be as long and fulfilling as it can be.

[fwellers]

[quote=DayInTheLife;184013]^^^ This is your answer. Give, and don't worry about receiving.

You can't take someone's love and padlock it in a box and guard it. In all honesty it is that kind of distrustful behavior that drives people away. /QUOTE]

I don't have any idea how you got that from what I said. What I said allows for the freedom of a person to give you their love and fidelity as a gift. How do you come up with any kind of force or padlock out of that ????????

[DayInTheLife]

Um, I was agreeing with you. I quoted your response but mine was directed towards the original poster.

Fidelity is only given voluntarily. Many people try to enforce loyalty in their partner by spying, interrogating, controlling, etc, rather than giving loyalty to their partner and letting them voluntarily reciprocate.

If you still don't understand where I'm coming from and how it relates to what you said, then don't worry about it, it wasn't meant for you anyway.

[ZHereford]

Originally Posted by reneex061

I want to be done with all of this and be okay with everything for once. But how do I be secure with everything and lose this insecurity that I've had for a while now? Please help me fix myself.

Hi reneex,
As you may have guessed by now, this is more about you than it is anything else. It has to do with your feelings of self-worth and worthiness. I would suggest that you begin by building a healthy self-concept and self-confidence. Know that it is a process which will take time, effort and commitment. The sooner you begin, the better off you'll be. In the meantime, be patient and understanding with yourself and enjoy and learn from each moment as much as possible. All the best!

[fwellers]

Originally Posted by DayInTheLife

Um, I was agreeing with you. I quoted your response but mine was directed towards the original poster.

Fidelity is only given voluntarily. Many people try to enforce loyalty in their partner by spying, interrogating, controlling, etc, rather than giving loyalty to their partner and letting them voluntarily reciprocate.

If you still don't understand where I'm coming from and how it relates to what you said, then don't worry about it, it wasn't meant for you anyway.

No, I understand. My bad. For some reason I took it as a response to me, probably because I saw the quote.
Yup, you said it, your second paragraph is what I was saying. :-))