Synesthesia - Life Purpose Resolution

[Silent Lucidity]

I did this exercise in October. I wrote for over an hour, three different days and come up with nothing. I've always known my purpose was to to create art that inspires positivity and transformation. So when I wrote it down, I felt peaceful. I have been artistic most of my life. I'm good at it. I sell, have shows, and have a couple degrees in it. It's very satisfying. In the next few years I might even be able to make ends meet!!! lol.

The next day, (Still in October) I was watching exerpts from 'the secret' on you tube, and I cried when I saw the person turn the statue to gold with her finger. I was not happy then...(see my other thread ha ha). Of course everyone would cry because they want more money (gold), to not be a 'starving artist' anymore lol, to have the work and the creator recognized and loved.

In December, I was looking back in time trying to remember all the things that made me happy. One of these things was music, I've also been musical all my life, in different ways. I was always shy but very good at public speaking, performing, etc. After a high school choir concert, I'd feel desolate for days, because I knew music was just for fun, and my purpose was to make transformational art, and I didn't know when I'd get to be singing on stage again. I was always in the music room about eight times a week, in every band or choir they had. lol. My art was more 'unique' though so I went into art, because I was simply better at it. My decision was totally logical. I could simply offer a more unique contribution with visual art than anything else.

Fast forward twelve years. Lately that feeling has become much stronger. I got to explore composition recently, and now I feel lost without a song to work on.

Sometimes it's heartbreaking, because I was so happy and challenged working on that song. The creative high was more intense. That is not necessarily what I was trained to do, or what's expected that I do. I don't know if this late in life if I have the energy to start all over again, and if I'd be missing out contributing to society in a valuable way if I moved more in this direction. I don't know if I want it because I can't have it, or if I want it because it's actually linked to my purpose.

Another thing is that I can't make art unless there is music playing. I have a very strong synesthesia, where I see the structures of sound and I draw and paint those. Like Kandinsky. When I was composing, it was amazing because all I had to do was 'flip' the synesthesia around, and turn the structures back into sound!!!!! I didn't know that!!! I thought I didn't have ideas, so I went to sleep and asked for ideas, and the next day I went to the piano, and in a meditative state, ideas were there, I just had to pick them out!!!

Here is the question: Is 'thing that breaks you' is really your life purpose, like Steve suggests, or could it be that it 'breaks you' because you know, logically what you can and can't do, and that you can't do everything in life, simply because there's not enough time.

Have others had the experience of changing or resolving an inconsistancy in life-purpose using Steve's exercise? It sounds like everyone has had great luck with this. Has anyone experienced a drastic change in life and career because of this excercise, and how did it end up working out? Did anyone follow this exercise, and realize the conclusions were a mistake?

Right now I'd say my life purpose is to be creative, and to use creativity to inspire others and catalyze transformational experiences in others. Something like that. Oh. well that didn't shake me up. Crap! Steve? Any thoughts?

Does anyone else have art/music interchangable synesthesia? I really want to know... and if so, what do you do about it???

[Joely]

Yes, I have extremely strong synaesthesia. Some music and sound makes me move around, but mostly my synaesthesia is polychromatic so I get every other sense with shape and colour. I love it, and I use it in my writing, my dance, everything in my life. I revel in it. You're very lucky!

And yes, the thing that breaks you is your life purpose. I've never had to use Steve's exercise because I've always had a sense of what my purpose is. Without doing this exercise I have been through a drastic change of direction in life because I realised I wasn't living my purpose or fulfilling my potential. It's tough - you do have to face every block and "logic" that gets in the way. At the same time it's an incredible growth experience.

The most important thing is to to do what you love. Contributing to society isn't going to be worth anything if you're miserable while you're doing it. You contribute by doing what you love, by sharing your gifts and your talents and your music and art with the world. Nothing wrong with that.

J x

[Silent Lucidity]

I've read your Anmar post... it's fascinating. All the best of luck with it.. you're so lucky I have a 'place' too... it's called 'The Big Small Thing' and it's in a way, the essence of paradox, and meditation. All my graphite drawings come from there...

[Rockchick26]

I felt this way too,when i realized what my life purpose was,part of the reason why i cried was because i feel like i'll never be able to do it. I felt sadness because i want it so much but it's unlikely it could ever happen. I'm not just being pessimistic,i'm looking at the reality. I'm nearing my 40's and i realized my lifes purpose about 20 years too late,i want to be in a rock band. I think mine is one of the few life purposes that grow increasingly impossible as you get older.

[Silent Lucidity]

Why on earth not? People these days live to well over 100, and monks in the forest live even longer That means you've got at least 60 years to be in a band. My purpose is somewhat involved with that too I don't know exactly how yet... I feel the same purpose... you know, if you don't know music, just take theory books with you everywhere and instead of reading anything else, read that, waiting for appointments etc. They have computer programs that teach the essentials, painlessly. You can also start lessons if you don't already play something. I've been singing 'choral' style for most of my life, and lately I realized I want to learn to sing in a more commercial way, and got an on-line sls course, all I have to do is 45min every day, be in the 'now' while I'm doing it, and magically I have a new voice (actually I sing longer than that, but that's how you start, and when you have time, you do more). ...seriously, it's just seeing what kind of band you can have, and how best to go about it. If you feel too old, take up meditation (for alpha brain-waves) and bikram's yoga to feel younger and have more energy (it's better than all other forms of excercise put together), get more sleep... you see, you can figure out how to do just about anything...

what do you play?

[Joely]

Originally Posted by Silent Lucidity

I've read your Anmar post... it's fascinating. All the best of luck with it.. you're so lucky I have a 'place' too... it's called 'The Big Small Thing' and it's in a way, the essence of paradox, and meditation. All my graphite drawings come from there...

Thank you so much... Amnar was totally born out of my having synaesthesia, and a lot of the language comes from that.

Anyway, I think you'll find your way. Let it come to you!

Happy thoughts,

J x

[Rockchick26]

Originally Posted by Silent Lucidity

Why on earth not? People these days live to well over 100, and monks in the forest live even longer That means you've got at least 60 years to be in a band. My purpose is somewhat involved with that too I don't know exactly how yet... I feel the same purpose... you know, if you don't know music, just take theory books with you everywhere and instead of reading anything else, read that, waiting for appointments etc. They have computer programs that teach the essentials, painlessly. You can also start lessons if you don't already play something. I've been singing 'choral' style for most of my life, and lately I realized I want to learn to sing in a more commercial way, and got an on-line sls course, all I have to do is 45min every day, be in the 'now' while I'm doing it, and magically I have a new voice (actually I sing longer than that, but that's how you start, and when you have time, you do more). ...seriously, it's just seeing what kind of band you can have, and how best to go about it. If you feel too old, take up meditation (for alpha brain-waves) and bikram's yoga to feel younger and have more energy (it's better than all other forms of excercise put together), get more sleep... you see, you can figure out how to do just about anything...

what do you play?

Well,i dont really play anything,that's why i feel like this is too impossible. I took piano and voice lessons for 3 months but had to quit them because my hours at work changed and then i just couldn't afford them anymore either. I was a very slow learner though,i already forgot all the notes and never got very far to begin with. As for singing,i always think i'm good enough but then when i watch American Idol i realize 'omg i'd never make it into the top 20' LOL I live in an apartment so i cant practice anything without being loud. I just feel like life is preventing me from doing this cuz every time i start something or try something,it gets ruined.

But ok,lets just say for the sake of argument that i have my own studio and i am able to practice. I wouldn't even realistically be good enough to be in a band for a few years. Then,it's usually a few years before you even become known or get signed. And nobody wants to see a band of 40-somethings. Look at the Rolling Stones,everyone picks on them for being so old,even though they are legends,imagine if they started being a band last year,everyone would have laughed at them! The median age of guys in rock bands now is like frickin' 20...and almost all of them started playing when they were 10.

So yeah i could do more meditation (i already do some),i could amp up my image and practice my ass off,but my goal won't be reached tomorrow or even in a few months...i just feel like i wasted too much of my life and it's too late now. And it would help if i already had a foot in the door or something,but i couldn't be any farther from my goal...i'm living in a tiny hick town,i work in a folder factory,i dont know ANYONE in a band,i dont even have any friends around here to go to concerts with,i'm so far from what i want to be that by the time i get there i'll be laughed at for being the grandma who is trying to rock.

lol Sorry,i'm not trying to be pessimistic,just realistic. I might have to settle for something else in the music business,something in audio recording or music journalism...which would be good enough,it would be better than working in a factory my whole life.

[Silent Lucidity]

Wow... that is a tough one.... and here I thought being 29, suddenly 'forced' to live back at home, at my folks retirement place, in a small hick town, with a minor vision impairment was bad. lol. There are always reasons. The thing is if you enjoy the process then you can enjoy it.

What does being in a rock band mean to you? How to you envision it? From what I know of the music industry (not much) you practice a lot, spend a lot of time alone, composing, practicing, and then great periods of time touring, getting exhausted, having fans pester you, etc. Even if you do make it big than you can't go out anymore without wearing the dark glasses.

So is it the rock band you want? Being on stage? Or is it the music? is it the process? The result? The first thing I'd say is pick an instrument which you love the sound of so much, that doing scales on it every day for hours is pure bliss.

Now I know that's a little extreme, but it may serve to illustrate the point. You have to want the process as much as the result. You have to be a beginner before you can be an expert. Yeah, I keep telling myself this stuff too.

You can also practice singing quietly, during daylight hours.. you don't have to practice loud, in fact for voice strengthening and range building, you're not supposed to be loud as that strains your voice.

As far as the 'body image' thing goes, there was a guy at the yoga studio I used to attend, I thought he was about 27. It turns out he was 50. No I don't own a studio, but this hot yoga stuff works. If you are in a small town, get the video, and steam the bathroom and do the yoga in there. It just depends how bad you want it, if you figure out ways to solve the problems... slowly... with determination... one at a time...

I am curious how you came to the realization of the rock band, as I have a similar situation. How did you know, what made the lightening-bolt hit? What is the best part in your mind, about being a musician? What is it that has the most appeal?

Oh and what about Shania Twain? She got famous in her 40's. My favorite rock band is 'old' lol.

Come on... I know there are more of you out there with synesthesia...

[Rockchick26]

Originally Posted by Silent Lucidity

Wow... that is a tough one.... and here I thought being 29, suddenly 'forced' to live back at home, at my folks retirement place, in a small hick town, with a minor vision impairment was bad. lol. There are always reasons. The thing is if you enjoy the process then you can enjoy it.

Well i didn't mean to make anyone think i had it bad,i was just explaining why i feel trapped in my life. Everyone has roadblocks. But i think age is the biggest one. To anyone who is still in their teens or twenties,i could literally say almost anything is possible. But to have such a lofty goal as mine,and to be 35 when you realize it,to anyone else in my situation i would say 'whoa,think its a little too late,sorry'

What does being in a rock band mean to you? How to you envision it? From what I know of the music industry (not much) you practice a lot, spend a lot of time alone, composing, practicing, and then great periods of time touring, getting exhausted, having fans pester you, etc. Even if you do make it big than you can't go out anymore without wearing the dark glasses.

I don't want to be that famous. I just want it to be my job. I want to be able to get up every day,with my bandmates,and practice,write new songs,get involved in the recording process,tour the country and play music. When i go to a concert,i feel something i can't explain,its like this is the center of the universe. Nothing else matters. I have never been on stage playing with a band so i can only imagine that but from what they tell me about it,it gives me chills,and i dont want to leave this world without knowing how that feels. Just to be part of the whole music scene,not just being an observer,thats what i want.

So is it the rock band you want? Being on stage? Or is it the music? is it the process? The result?

This is the part i'm still unsure of,i mean yeah i do want to be in a band on stage but then i think there are a ton of other positions i would like to do too,like working in the studio,being a roadie,anything really,i want to try it all!

The first thing I'd say is pick an instrument which you love the sound of so much, that doing scales on it every day for hours is pure bliss.

Well i have a piano but i can only play it softly and only during certain hours and i hate that other people can hear me. Thats another hurdle i forgot to mention,i have a huge problem with playing for people. I have tried to play a few things for my family and friends on my piano,but i get so flustered i cant get through a few notes without making a mistake. When i took singing lessons,i could tell right away this wasn't going to work. I cant sing in front of someone like that. I have done karaoke before,but usually after a few drinks and usually with someone else

You have to be a beginner before you can be an expert. Yeah, I keep telling myself this stuff too.

This is exactly why i feel like it's too late. I am still a beginner at 35!! By the time i'm an expert,i will be in my 40's. Even American Idol doesn't let you audition unless you are 29 or under,i think. Young and beautiful gets you noticed in this business.

You can also practice singing quietly, during daylight hours.. you don't have to practice loud, in fact for voice strengthening and range building, you're not supposed to be loud as that strains your voice.

I do sing quietly,but my voice breaks up when i do that. I need to sing loud and strong in order to sound good,in order to strengthen my voice. You can't grow as a singer if you can only sing softly like you're just breathing the sound out,you have to pierce the air from the depth of your lungs!

As far as the 'body image' thing goes, there was a guy at the yoga studio I used to attend, I thought he was about 27. It turns out he was 50. No I don't own a studio, but this hot yoga stuff works. If you are in a small town, get the video, and steam the bathroom and do the yoga in there. It just depends how bad you want it, if you figure out ways to solve the problems... slowly... with determination... one at a time...

I didnt mean my body image,i just meant my image like my looks. My style/persona whatever you call it...the thing that attracts people to you.

I am curious how you came to the realization of the rock band, as I have a similar situation. How did you know, what made the lightening-bolt hit?

Well,i've always loved music,since i was a kid...but i just figured it was something to enjoy,not something to LIVE. But i wasn't quite happy with that. I felt like i never fit in with most people because i knew i WAS music and nobody else was. By that i mean,other people just like music,but to me,it just makes up so much of me,that it's necessary for me to be talking about it or listening to it in order to be happy. Even when i am forced to do something completely unrelated i try to find a way to incorporate music into it. And also I can be sitting with a bunch of people and they're all talking about food,the weather,the news,their lives,and i couldn't give a @$%& but the minute they start talking about music,i'm a different person and i actually want to talk to them. I dont even want to date a guy that isn't a musician or REALLY REALLY into it. So anyway,that's how my whole life has been,just kinda drifting along loving music but not realizing i should be doing it...(i was in love with this guy for 12 years and that held me down and distracted me),well after i found out he was gay,that threw me for a loop and i turned to music even more...i got into this band called Switchfoot and they're really inspirational,well,they helped me realize that i should be doing what i love,i am not the person i want to be and i need to change that. Thats when i bought a piano and took lessons and worked on my singing. But i still couldn't find my way out of my rut as far as my job and my family and my location. Then i had to stop my lessons because of my hours at work and lack of money. Which brings me to a few weeks ago,i was on a message board online and somebody posted a topic about dating musicians. They went on about being supportive of their music,the pluses of being in music yourself so its easier to date other musicians,the whole traveling life,it just hit me then and i realized i had tears in my eyes because that is what i want to do,and i felt sad at the same time because i dont know if i'll ever get that. So yeah,that is my story about how i know this was meant for me. Hope i didnt lose anyone there,i got a bit long winded LOL
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[Silent Lucidity]

I didn't mean to make you feel bad about your situation. I was actually joking about my situation, not trying to say 'I'm worse of than you' I'm not. I'm 29, just barely too old to get into idol, the vision impairment is very minor, no one notices, and I look okay, I get ID'd all the time. Yours does sound like a tough situation.

I'm going to ask you the tough questions.... please don't take offense...

One thing, you want to get up and practice with band-mates all the time and then tour, but you are afraid to play in front of anyone? Can you play in front of band-mates if you had them? That is the first thing to solve.

You got a piano, but now can't afford lessons? Why not get a cheap keyboard and speakers, and then afford more lessons? Have you thought along these lines?

You call yourself a grandma, but you're only 35. Please be kind to yourself 35 is not old by anyone's standards.

I know to be big you have to be 18 and brilliant and on idol, but the music scene is huge. There is room for everyone. Remember Steve's idea of abundance. Maybe you could find a niche as a somewhat big performer, sucessful, but not -quite- top 40. What genre of music do you want to play?

It sounds like you really want the social aspect of music, that's just the feeling I'm getting from you. If you cant get past playing in front of people, would you consider managing, being a roadie, or working in a recording studio? You could retrain for one of those things pretty easily... like a 2 year sound engineering course or something.

About Stage Fright: My first school band concert in grade 7 I think my face was beat red the whole time. I was near-dizzy I was so shy with it, but I still got the notes out somehow. I was in the front row of the band, too. Guess what, next time it got a little better, and a little better... most recently I sang solo for the early music ensemble in front of at least 75 people... We all got sick and I was the only one who was willing to -try- to sing, so all the duets became solos, just me. lol. I still have that CD of that concert. lol it's pretty bad, but not all bad. The only way to get over stage fright is to keep getting on stage. Just keep facing your fear. No matter what.

People identify with someone who's got a little bit of stage fright. It means you are human, and have passion. No one wants to watch a performer who's emotionless. The passion goes into the music.

the 'belting' thing has me worried. Please be sure you don't damage your voice. If it hurts, stop singing. It sounds like you may be pushing chest voice into head voice. Maybe spend some time on line researching singing. There are a lot of great singing forums out there, and courses. I don't know if I can recommend a course on here? Mods? Can I do that?

Have you tried Steve's exercise?

[Louise Gilbert]

Hi Guys, you are having the most fascinating discussion here, I hope you don't mind me joining!?! I was wondering whether the Life Purpose calculations you can perform using numerology would bring any further insights. I've written how to calculate these at the following place:

The Lantern-Bearer » Blog Archive » Calculate Your Life Purpose

Best wishes,

[Rockchick26]

Originally Posted by Silent Lucidity

One thing, you want to get up and practice with band-mates all the time and then tour, but you are afraid to play in front of anyone? Can you play in front of band-mates if you had them? That is the first thing to solve.

Well it would be different if i was with other people who are doing it too,but to be put on the spot being the only one singing or playing,i cant do it. I dont like attention on me. But if i was playing in a band,as part of a group,blending in,that's entirely different. I can sing karaoke with the music loud and other people are singing too,but i cant sing in my piano teachers basement with her family upstairs able to hear. Totally two different situations.

You got a piano, but now can't afford lessons? Why not get a cheap keyboard and speakers, and then afford more lessons? Have you thought along these lines?

My piano i've had for 3 years (and it was only $200),and my financial situation just changed recently,so no,i can't afford $100 a month lessons anymore. And i DO have a cheap keyboard but it only has half the keys my piano has,and it sounds like crap. Once you've had a real piano,you can't go back LOL

You call yourself a grandma, but you're only 35. Please be kind to yourself 35 is not old by anyone's standards.

LOL Well,actually,i have a friend who calls me "granny"! No i am NOT a grandma,but realisticly,i can't go from beginner to good enough,by the time i'm 40. And that is not a good age to get into music. People would think of me as a wannabe. That would be like a 70 year old retired plumber suddenly wanting to run for president. He doesnt have the experience to do it and everyone would be like,'well why didnt you do this 40 years ago!?'

I know to be big you have to be 18 and brilliant and on idol, but the music scene is huge. There is room for everyone.

If there is room for everyone then why dont ALL bands make it big? Record labels know they can only sign a certain amount of artists at a time.

Maybe you could find a niche as a somewhat big performer, sucessful, but not -quite- top 40. What genre of music do you want to play?

Rock,different variations on it...yeah maybe i could find a niche but i just wish i was a teenager again so i could go to school for this right of high school,and practice more,then i would have made it years ago. I just feel too old because i wasted so much time doing NOTHING. I literally spent like 15 years of my life spending money on buying new vehicles,and spending my love on a guy that never loved me back. I could have used that money for school and i could have used that love for MUSIC. UGH! That is what really kills me.

It sounds like you really want the social aspect of music, that's just the feeling I'm getting from you. If you cant get past playing in front of people, would you consider managing, being a roadie, or working in a recording studio? You could retrain for one of those things pretty easily... like a 2 year sound engineering course or something.

Yeah i've even thought of that,going to school for audio engineering,thats when i realized i didnt have the money and couldn't afford to be in debt. You dont make a lot of money doing those jobs,especially not the roadie thing. In fact roadies dont even get paid,if they do they were hired by a big band for it. Most roadies are just friends of the band. Managing is a bit much for me,i kinda had it narrowed down to either music journalist or audio engineer.

the 'belting' thing has me worried. Please be sure you don't damage your voice. If it hurts, stop singing. It sounds like you may be pushing chest voice into head voice.

No it's never HURT to sing,sometimes it just feels like i'm pushing my throat up out of my mouth LOL But my voice sounds amazing when i do that! I did take voice lessons for a few months and she told me not to do that,but i suck when i sing quietly,like i'm just breathing the words out,like i'm too afraid to really sing. No i've never even seen Steve's excerise,you mean it's a singing one? I have a few books on it,i have cd's on it,and i did the lessons..but i find nothing resonates with me,i dont feel like i'm doing it right unless i'm doing it how its comfortable for me. I didnt notice any progression with the cd's,books,or lessons. I only notice progression when i crank music and sing along with it,loud.

[Joely]

I think the question you have to ask is "How badly do you want to live that life?" because if you really, truly want something to be, you'll be prepared to stop at nothing to get it.

The difference between people living the life of their dreams and those who don't is that those who do are prepared to put everything on the line, change everything they need to, accept everything else and just work as hard as they can with total focus to get there.

To be honest, not everybody wants to be the biggest band in history. There's space for people who're going to be the next Beatles, the next Rolling Stones, and there's space for people like my brother who just want to play gigs on weekends, or my good friends who are gigging and touring all the time and getting on radio and national TV. Not every writer wants to be J K Rowling. There's room in the universe for everybody's desires, if only they have the courage to go for them.

Here's a suggestion for you Rockchick. So far, you've been thinking of all the things that might get in your way. What about turning that thinking around from "That won't work" to "How do I make it work?"

Of course, you have to really, really want it to be to make it happen.

[Holistic Star]

Hi Rock chick - sometimes it can seem like there are loads of blocks in the way. I certainly don't think you are too old at 35 to start! OK - maybe you won't get the adoration of the idol winner, but would you really want that. Paps hanging around outside your house desperate to get a grotty shot of you!

I have a friend who loves music and at 46 is just getting started. A couple of years ago he renegotiated he work hours so that he gets Fridays off and he devotes that 1 day a week entirely to music (he is father of 3 so his other evenings and weekend are taken up with family). He is now in a covers band and is in the process of forming another one. He has got himself a regular slot at a night club on a Friday night where he plays live sax along to house music being played by a DJ. Yes he is 46 and the average age of the club is probably around 25, doesn't seem to bother him. I don't know what his long term ambitions are, but he seems really happy sharing his music with the people around him.

If music / being in a band is your purpose, then you don't have to hit it big to be happy. You see all the road blocks in front of you, it's up to you to work through them to get what you want.

Hi Silent Lucidity. I don't get what the problem is. It seems you have found your purpose: something along the lines of mixing art and sound to bring enjoyment to others.
How are you going to share your unique gifts with the world? When are we going to see your art?

I don't believe that you have to go back to school, look at Erin's journey. She thought she was going to have to take some angel / psychic courses, but found that her talent grew the more she just gave readings.

I personally don't believe you have to cry when you find your life purpose - you find it when whatever you are doing brings you joy. The state you find yourself in when you are flipping sound into composition and back suggests that you are bang on target.

[Rockchick26]

Originally Posted by Joely

I think the question you have to ask is "How badly do you want to live that life?" because if you really, truly want something to be, you'll be prepared to stop at nothing to get it.

I realize this. And i was just thinking about this today at work. I COULD do this,there's no question about it. But in exchange for that,i would have to move in with my mom and probably suffer extreme sleep deprivation. (because i would have to keep my job but i wouldnt be able to afford to live on my own anymore). And my freedom and my sleep are just as important to me as my career/job,so,thats why i'm still on the fence about this because i'm torn!

Here's a suggestion for you Rockchick. So far, you've been thinking of all the things that might get in your way. What about turning that thinking around from "That won't work" to "How do I make it work?"

Well i have thought about that,.and thats where i came up with the end result of having to move back in with my mom because in order to pay for college i couldn't afford rent anymore. And i still couldn't quit my job so then i'd be working all night (i work the graveyard shift) and staying up all day for school and then i would be lucky if i got 4 or 5 hours of sleep a day. I would also have to drive an hour or more round trip every day for school since i dont live near any. Not to mention once i get my dream job,there is nothing like that around here so i would have to give up my family. I already tried to get them to move to CA with me but they won't. So basically i realized that i would have to give up EVERYTHING for this,my freedom,my family,my sleep/health...ugh i wonder how other people do it.

[Joely]

Originally Posted by Rockchick26

I realize this. And i was just thinking about this today at work. I COULD do this,there's no question about it. But in exchange for that,i would have to move in with my mom and probably suffer extreme sleep deprivation. (because i would have to keep my job but i wouldnt be able to afford to live on my own anymore). And my freedom and my sleep are just as important to me as my career/job,so,thats why i'm still on the fence about this because i'm torn!

Well i have thought about that,.and thats where i came up with the end result of having to move back in with my mom because in order to pay for college i couldn't afford rent anymore. And i still couldn't quit my job so then i'd be working all night (i work the graveyard shift) and staying up all day for school and then i would be lucky if i got 4 or 5 hours of sleep a day. I would also have to drive an hour or more round trip every day for school since i dont live near any. Not to mention once i get my dream job,there is nothing like that around here so i would have to give up my family. I already tried to get them to move to CA with me but they won't. So basically i realized that i would have to give up EVERYTHING for this,my freedom,my family,my sleep/health...ugh i wonder how other people do it.

I understand it's tough, sweetie. After all, for two years I worked a nine hour day, walked a couple miles back and forth to get to my job, then had to divide the rest of my time between completing my PhD thesis and writing Amnar. It's tough. I also moved to a city where I didn't know anybody at all. I don't think I slept for most of those two years!

I'm not bragging, I'm saying it's possible. Right now I'm doing brilliantly, because I was prepared to go through that to get to where I am now. I've found friends and support and amazing things have come along because I've been open to anything happening to make what I want come true. You can do that too! My friend has put herself on the brink of financial ruin for the sake of her dream of being in a successful band. Sometimes you do have to be prepared to lose it all for the sake of gaining it all.

Would it all be loss if you went for this? What would you gain by doing this? Would the pleasure of actually going for it wipe out the need for sleep? Would it be thrilling to move to somewhere like CA and have great new adventures?

I think, in the end, you have to go with whatever works for you. If it works for you to stay where you are, love where you are and what you're doing with your life. And if you want to change, then allow the change to happen. Whenever I get into a situation I want to change, I write down seven simple things that would make it easier to be at peace with it. Amazingly, these things actually come about for me and I find peace. Maybe that could work for you.