help! I am trying to bite the bullet and live more consciously

[iarlaitha]

Hello everyone

I am going through a very difficult patch at the moment and I would be very grateful for your assistance. for the last year approximately it has become to clear to me that in my work life i have been investing a great deal of time trying to be a square peg in a round hole - it took me a great deal of effort to do the work as i really didn't enjoy what i was doing. I had always felt that I wanted to write and paint but due to a very traumatic past in which my self-expression was stripped away from me, I felt as if it would be impossible to me. However, things have started to happen for me. I have had a couple of exhibitions of my paintings and I have started noting down things for my writing. BUT last summer i met someone who had taken their career in the direction I wanted to go in - to steer it towards the literary side of things - and i have realised that I want to stop the current path and go towards something more fulfilling. At the moment I am on the point of applying for these things but I have real trouble leaving behind the security of the past path - although my heart wasn't in it and I felt increasingly mediocre.

The last few weeks I have had intense anxiety and I cannot seem to formulate my ideas though the deadlines for the course of graduate study I hope to undertake are approaching now. One problem is that I lack a proper income, I have moved back to the UK and don't have a home of my own so I am moving from couch to couch.

I would be grateful if you could assist me and give me some advice or just good vibes.

I still seem to have problems feeling entitled to being happy and enjoying what I do after so many years of investing in and trying to do what I really was not interested in. I am worried that it is too late and that in addition to my academic ambitions that it might be too late for me to develop confidence as a writer. I am very anxious that by closing the door on the current way of life, I will go in the wrong direction. I am worried to try in fact (and for some reason I am hyper-anxious about the opinions of others).

sorry for the long post, I am feeling rather distraught!

Iarlaitha

[Angela]

It is NEVER too late to fall in love with your own life, iarlaitha! There is no "wrong direction." There are no failures -- only feedback!

I am so excited for you as you navigate through the discomfort that comes with waking up to really being alive and vital. Growing pains! At our age! You get to exercise your courage. You get to invent yourself anew in each moment, you get to experience something new every day, you get to generate your own satisfaction and fulfillment. That's so great.

I am so with you as you practice being the you of your dreams.

Lots of love,
Angela

[iarlaitha]

Bless you Angela

my current work needs me to basically tell them what I am doing and I am rather anxious about closing that door (perhaps taking longterm leave while I work out what I am doing would be best). But the decisions have to be made this week! Both in terms of making applications to courses in my preferred field and in terms of applying for alternative jobs - and also pursuing my path as a writer and artist. It is so incredibly hard as I have issues around financial security and also issues around self-confidence.

I shall meditate now and hope to gain further insights into my path and further strength.

Blessings

Iarlaitha

[uberinquisitive]

I really empathize. Most my life, my mother deeply discouraged me from art and writing. There is one particular incident I remember at age 12 or 13, where she so deeply humiliated me that I stopped writing.

About a year ago, my fiancé killed himself. Within 10 days, I lost my future husband, my apartment, my job, my money...all the securities. For the past year, I've been living out of a suitcase and didn't even have a job. I am currently in a lot of debt, and barely making ends meet.

Because I had nothing to lose, I started writing. I'm just 1 year into doing it "seriously" and even though I haven't "achieved anything" yet, I now see that writing isn't a risk at all. That my previous "safe" path was actually far riskier.

Fact: I'm not going to starve on the street or be homeless. I have family. I have friends. I may be poor (for a while). But my basic needs will be cared for. If you have couches to crash on - you're fine.

Fact: If money gets really tight, I could always work minimum wage at a McDonalds. They would hire me immediately. Nothing is keeping me from working there. So, lack of income is not a valid reason to not write.

Fact: My uncertainty provides extremely rich material to draw upon. People always comment that my writing is almost 3D in emotional intensity. That's because I pour all my fears and hopes and insecurities and happiness into those words. Your intense emotions may help your writing far more than hinder you.

Fact: If you go the wrong direction, you can always change. Months after my fiancé killed himself, I was creating a new life for myself. However, my fiancé? He was dead, ashes in an urn. He didn't get to change his life, like I did. And that's when I realized: death is the ONLY thing that keeps you from changing your path. Once you die, the doors are permanently closed. But as long as you're alive, you can re-open even closed doors. It's tough. But absolutely do-able.

Fact: Everyday, we are one step closer to death. If that's the only thing that permanently closes doors - then it makes much more sense to go on a riskier path while alive, when doors are never permanently shut.

And I could go on and on.

[iarlaitha]

Bless you for that uberinquisitive

It is interesting that both our lives have been touched by suicide and that was also one of the catalysts for my change.

I came on here today to get some insights in order to finish composing a letter to my work which has to be done today: so I am so very pleased to have read your email.

It is true: squandering our time is more risky than living our values!

And also death is the only time we stop changing - so why not embrace change and move it in the right direction.

Unfortunately I do not have family support, but I am making new friends which is fantastic: I aim to be surrounded by positive and supportive people.

Right, I have to email my work this evening to ask for extended leave and then get on with putting better things in action. You have inspired me to continue writing: that's where my fire burns, if you like.

All good wishes

Iarlaitha

[MariaG]

@Iarlaitha - I've had some struggles with fear and anxiety in the past, including panic attacks. A few months of talk therapy helped me through a particularly rough patch, but I've also discovered that I need to take care of the underlying negative emotions that bring those states about.

Meditation and reflection can be great for this. I've also found a lot of relief using EFT or Tapping. Basically Tapping is a way of releasing negative energy that's stored in your body. If you're interested, I wrote a post about it here: What is Tapping and How Can It Help You? You can also watch some free videos at Tapping.com to learn the basic technique.

[iarlaitha]

Thank you Maria

I have been reading up on EFT since your post and I am about to use the techniques for the first time.

all good wishes and blessings

I

[evrgrn3]

Iarlaitha,

What are your core motivators? What are your core values? Have you written them down lately so that you can look at them and then really assess whether you are living consistently with them?

What is the pervasive question in your life right now? Write that down on a piece of paper. Now answer it with gusto.

Look at your answer. Ask your self why that answer is so important to you. Once you know why it is so important to you, write down that answer.

Now ask yourself why that is so important to you....do this a few times deeper and you will discover the depth of your issue...the core of your concerns.

Once you know these, an answer will become more apparent.

[iarlaitha]

Bless you evrgrn3. In writing the answers to those questions, some things have become very clear.

I have just written the email to basically ask for a sabbatical while i line up things I would prefer to do: I will mail it tonight at 8.30pm UK time. So fingerscrossed!

All good wishes

Iarlaitha

[awakentransform]

Originally Posted by MariaG

@Iarlaitha - I've had some struggles with fear and anxiety in the past, including panic attacks. A few months of talk therapy helped me through a particularly rough patch, but I've also discovered that I need to take care of the underlying negative emotions that bring those states about.

Meditation and reflection can be great for this. I've also found a lot of relief using EFT or Tapping. Basically Tapping is a way of releasing negative energy that's stored in your body. If you're interested, I wrote a post about it here: What is Tapping and How Can It Help You? You can also watch some free videos at Tapping.com to learn the basic technique.

I'm so glad you mentioned EFT. I was thinking of recommending the same thing! It's so simple to learn and free - you don't have to pay anyone. I know a lot of people who got so much relief from it. I think the website is EFT Provides Impressive Health and Emotional Freedom--New Discovery Often Works Where Nothing Else

Another good tool that I recommend is self-hypnosis. You can learn how from websites or books. Again, it's free and it will help you tap into your right brain, which is the source of creativity.

I'm a hypntherapist and I've been noticing that most of my clients are in a transition point job-wise these days. People realize that they are unfulfilled and are looking to find the work that makes them happy. So you're not alone.

Go for it! Otherwise you'll always wonder, what if?

[iarlaitha]

bless you awakentransform.

I am looking at self-hypnosis - I do several meditations for confidence and purpose - and perhaps it will help me to manifest abundance and work which is in greater conformity with my life purpose?

I am currently working on the letter to ask for extended leave - and references - so I will email that in half an hour - thank you for standing by me in this!

Iarlaitha