having doubts about writing

[Rose of Cairo]

Hey there's something bugging me. After I found a nice general purpose for me that I love very much (to create harmony), I decided to use writing as a medium. I thought this was a good match and was very happy about my decision, couldn't start immediately though. Many things happened in my life, I moved to another country and so on. Now I still have to travel to the old country once, to manage some stuff, to wait for my internet connection and help my parents out for a week. But in, let's say, 2-4 weeks, I'm ready to start.

Unfortunately I'm feeling quite uncomfortable and secretly having doubts now. I don't know if writing is really what I want or should be doing. I don't feel like a writer at all.

Since I was a pre school kid I've been reading, reading, reading. When I was a teenager, I thought I would become a writer. It wasn't a fabulous dream, it was more a fact, I just knew it, and couldn't imagine anything else I could be doing. So logically I began studying literature. After that my life got totally out of whack, I broke my studies off, fought depression, got better, changed a lot, learned a lot, tried diverse jobs and studied many other fascinating things.

Now going back to writing for me feels like "oh well, oooook then..." more than like "Yay! Wanna do that!". I know I can do it, I'm often told I have a talent for writing (but I'm often told I have a talent for other things too, so it's not that relevant). At least it's quite easy for me, I also did ghostwrite things a few times now and got very good feedback. But somehow I'm not feeling great about it.

I can see other people being all passionate about writing, they just need to write or else they're unhappy, or they have ideas, complete stories in their head... Well I have not. When I write I'm happy, that's true, I love writing, when I'm writing I feel in a state of flow and forget about time. But I also love dancing, singing, making sculptures, studying mathematics, taking care of animals or climbing mountains. I can also spend weeks and months without writing and won't even think of it. I have some ideas, but it's only small details that I would love to see in a screenplay, not enough for an entire story. I live mostly in my imagination, seeing nice things all the time there - but nothing worth of making a story with.

You know, it's just that I have nothing particular to say.

I know I should be putting a lot of energy and commitment in my writing career now. Oddly enough I don't feel motivated, not even interested in doing that. I don't know if I'm just being incredibly lazy, or if I have these doubts for a good reason.

Generally I'm totally not interested in having a career. Too bad that I need some money to live.

[Joely]

I thought I'd find this easy to answer but to be honest, I'm not exactly sure what to say. Mostly because I'm not sure what you want me to say! As you know, I'm a writer and it's my career - it's what I adore doing.

1. Just because you're a "writer" doesn't mean you can't sing, dance, make sculptures or do anything else. I do all of those things, and I love doing them, but writing is what keeps my lungs going, basically.

2. How do you know there's no "value" in what you write, in the stories you want to tell? I recall somebody I know dismissing reading fiction as mindless escapism until I wrote a blog post about the importance of fiction in telling us truths about our lives or even inspiring us to change things. I regarded my fantasy world as only having value to me and nobody else for a long time, but I've begun to see that it not only has immense value in the messages it conveys, but just because people love playing in it, love the adventure. Don't underestimate what you might want to say.

I think I've offered this advice elsewhere on here but something like writing, especially fiction of any kind (screenplays to novels), you really need to produce something before you start approaching people about it and make it your career. I worked on my current series of books for four years until I was really ready to make a go of it. That substantially increases my value since nobody has to worry about me not being able to write a second book. They're all sitting there ready.

So I guess this answer has rambled on a bit, but that's how I see it. There's nothing to stop you doing other things if you're a writer, but as somebody recently remarked to me, it's a bit of a calling, rather than a job you do.

I doubt any of this was helpful, but there you go! It's just my perspective from where I am now.

[Joely]

Actually, something else just occurred to me after I wrote that post. I got your PM right after posting, by the way!

It's not so much that I'm in love with writing per se, although I am and its my favourite medium of expression, it's that I'm in love with the world about which I write, and the process of creation, imagining and understanding. I write other things and if I'm meant to be, I'll be in a state of flow over that, but most of the time what really, really gets the juices flowing is a love of what I'm writing about.

If you want to PM me or email me to discuss this, you're more than welcome and I can give you a few ideas!

[Strokes]

It sounds like you're having some doubts about about where your passion lies. Personally, I've gone through that myself.

I think that what you're thinking is that because you've wanted to be this writer you've always dreamed of being since you sealed the deal when you were young, it's not only what you were meant to do, but what you're supposed to do.

But as you grew, you went through a lot of things and you changed, it happens, lets face it. And as you went through these changes you lost sight more and more of what you wanted to be and had an interest in for so long, but you constantly revisited those times when you were sure it was what you wanted. But the point is you grew up, and as we all do these changes simply must occur whether we like it or not.

You obviously feel that because as time went on you're not that kid you used to be, and that you are basically forcing yourself to be inspired again so you don't let that person who used to be there down. But you cannot force a passion or inspiration, trust me, I've tried.

Yet it remains that the fact that you don't want to let go of writing simply states that you still love it, but because you have no direct muse at the moment you feel its gone, but it's not. Don't go looking for stories, you just have to live, because almost all great writers take from their lives in their writing, and the stories will come to you, and trust me, everyone has something to say.

Don't think just because its not the only thing in your life right now like it may have been when you were younger that you no longer love it. But as I wrote too many times (but it's true!), we change as we grow, lots of people have become lost trying to figure out what it was they were supposed to do, and maybe there's more for you to do than just writing, but that does not mean you're letting yourself down.

[Old Soul]

I don't feel like a writer at all

I bet if you were to ask anyone if they felt like a fill in the blank, they too would say they don't feel like a ? Maybe the gift of .......... choses the person , and that all of your other hobbies that you love are side orders to help you in your writing career...

even as I read your post, "writer" screams at me... but writing is hard work , sometimes the passion gets lost in the dredges of the job... and everything you are questioning and doubting and the dry spells goes hand in hand with the job....


So please do not shut the door on this or give up... think back to grade school when you were being "groomed", hehehe!!

btw do you have any short stories or poems to post I'd love to read them?

[Savage]

Originally Posted by Rose of Cairo

Unfortunately I'm feeling quite uncomfortable and secretly having doubts now. I don't know if writing is really what I want or should be doing. I don't feel like a writer at all.

. . .

You know, it's just that I have nothing particular to say.

. . .

Oddly enough I don't feel motivated, not even interested in doing that. I don't know if I'm just being incredibly lazy, or if I have these doubts for a good reason.

Yup, you're a writer alright.

[Rose of Cairo]

Oh wow, thanks for the replies!

I wasn't planning to make money selling fiction, I wanted to be a ghostwriter and write fiction just for fun along the way. But I don't feel good about the ghostwriter part anymore now. No actually I feel completely crappy about it.

And I have no stories to tell. It's more that when in real life something happens, I'll automatically imagine a scene out of that "oh cool, would be nice to have a guy doing this and that, and then this and that happens.." I laugh at that thought for a moment, ha ha ha, and then forget about it. Or when I'm sitting in a train and look at the people around me, I always imagine who they are, where they are going and why, how their life is, I see them having breakfast (did you ever realize how many different ways there are to have breakfast??), or give them a choleric husband and money worries or make them to secret agents in undercover mission. Makes me grin. But that's it. Just playin' around.

It's not a calling, I have no consistent fantasy world. It's not the one thing I love either, I have no one thing that I love.

I feel like I am a pleasant but useless fellow. Not that I'm totally worthless, I have some great strengths. I'm highly sensitive, very empathic, curious and a great learner. I can and enjoy learning just everything from how to repare a car to quantum physics. I just don't like to use what I learned repeatedly I have no clue how to make money with these attributes.

Strokes, I didn't want to be a writer. It wasn't something I was dreaming of. I just knew it. I was dreaming of being an astronaut, and later a kryptoanalyst, btw

[Mags]

Hi Rose

Firstly, I just want to remind you that you are an incredibly special and wonderful person, and these boards are much the richer for your contribution to them. We value what you have to say, and adore your creative spirit.

Now, when it comes to writing, is it possible that you've identified too much with being a writer? I think this can happen sometimes when we promise our young selves that we will be a certain something (writer, artist, singer... whatever) when we grow up. We feel responsible for helping the little girl that we once were fulfill her dreams.

But in the end, being a writer (or whatever else) can become an egoic identity. It is a positive one, definitely - much better to say "I am a writer" than "I am a loser" for example - but it is still an identity, and as such it can feel limiting to your spirit. Perhaps that is part of what you are feeling now? Maybe you are having doubts because deep down you know your spirit is so much more than this?

Behind the identity of "I am a writer" is the core higher self. Just "I am". And because you "are", you can freely choose to express your higher self in whichever way you choose while you are here... "I am, and therefore I choose to experience expressing my purpose through writing". Tomorrow you might choose another form of expression, or you may stick with writing but find that writing short blog posts suits your purpose better than a long fiction novel (or vice versa). Instead of choosing because you feel compelled to, you choose from a position of strength and empowerment.

It can take courage letting go of that identity, especially when you feel like you are letting your younger self down in the process. But, it can be very freeing, so much so that your medium of expression will probably start to stand out clearly for you. It may be writing, it may not, but whatever it is, you will probably find that you are able to find joy in doing it. It will be right for you, right now, and will be the perfect vehicle for you to contribute to the world.

[Angela]

Rose, I wonder if you'd like to do The Artist's Way with me? Have you heard of that? It's a practice that has you exploring the joy of expressing yourself creatively, in a sort of mildly structured way; many people do it in groups and share what comes up for them. Of course it's free -- and of course in Los Angeles there are people who charge big bucks to "lead" the course .

Is that something you'd be interested in looking at? I would love to do it with you! I meant to do it this past winter, but got sidetracked by.... all that crap.

[Strokes]

Originally Posted by Rose of Cairo

Strokes, I didn't want to be a writer. It wasn't something I was dreaming of. I just knew it. I was dreaming of being an astronaut, and later a kryptoanalyst, btw

So you knew it, I see, well in that case, you most certainly are a writer even more than I wrote in the post!

[Rose of Cairo]

Hi Mags, and thank you for your lovely words

I'm not identifying with being a writer, like I wrote I don't feel in the slightest like a writer. I'm also not feeling that I'm letting my younger self down now. My younger self didn't want to be a writer. It wanted to do great things instead. (like cracking codes. It never considered writing as being something valuable) Since my breakdown ten years ago, I didn't touch any book anymore except for books about mathematics, physics, computer science, nutrition and health matters. For years I read no novel. I couldn't be more far away from writing.

Hmmm I'm so confused. One thing I got clear about after posting here is that it's the ghostwriting part that bugs me. I found the idea fascinating a few months ago, but now after trying it a few times, I don't feel motivated to do this full time at all! Ugh, yikes

Another thing I just realized after reading what you all wrote is that maybe I shouldn't dismiss these scenes I'm spontaneously inventing all the time. I always think they're worthless and forget about them. It's like creating something and immediately throwing it in the nearest garbage can. Maybe I should write them all down? Maybe this would lead to something?

About the lack of message, well I do have a message (harmony). The point is that it's no idea. It's more of a physical sensation. Maybe it could be possible to make people feel harmonious just with the way I write, not with ideas I would write about? I was told that my writing directly reflects how I feel inside, so maybe I do have something to say, just in another way? I've always thought that in order to write, you need some grrrrreat ideas to share. Maybe I don't need any great ideas. Maybe these silly things I imagine all the time could be useful for someone in some way?

Bleh, I don't know.

[Angela]

Originally Posted by Rose of Cairo

I couldn't be more far away from writing.

Rose, you are so funny. Don't you know that for us, you are the soul and the essence of writing? You are in the world writing and giving us joy, freedom and connection. You couldn't be closer to writing. You ARE writing.

You're just all up in your head about it.

[theknightwhosaysni-NI]

Hey Rose,

Honestly, I don't think that you are not constant about writing. I think that you are just not constant
If you'd choose something else than writing, you'd probably experience the same thing.

Maybe work a little bit on your self discipline would help?

If you are not motivated remember that motivation doesn't come before action. Action comes first, then motivation follows. (action -->motivation and not motivation --->action)

I say that because I am quite in the same boat. I kind of feel in the starting blocks since 3 months...It's gonna be time to really do something, even if it's small steps after small steps.

side note :

Another thing I just realized after reading what you all wrote is that maybe I shouldn't dismiss these scenes I'm spontaneously inventing all the time. I always think they're worthless and forget about them. It's like creating something and immediately throwing it in the nearest garbage can. Maybe I should write them all down? Maybe this would lead to something?

I read that writers always carry a note book with them precisely to write down these kind of ideas, dialogues etc just when they come. They say that they don't command their ideas, but rather that ideas come to them, by poping into their minds as kids would pop up to say hello.

[Rose of Cairo]

Originally Posted by Angela

Rose, I wonder if you'd like to do The Artist's Way with me?

Of course. Never heard of that, I have no clue what you're talking about. But with you Angela I would do just everything *charming bow*

[Rose of Cairo]

Originally Posted by theknightwhosaysni-NI

Honestly, I don't think that you are not constant about writing. I think that you are just not constant
If you'd choose something else than writing, you'd probably experience the same thing.

That's very true, absolutely.

Maybe work a little bit on your self discipline would help?

Self-discipline? What's that??

If you are not motivated remember that motivation doesn't come before action. Action comes first, then motivation follows. (action -->motivation and not motivation --->action)

Hmm well that's very true too, but even when I do some ghostwriting, I don't feel motivated to do more of it. I'm rather happy it's over.

Sometimes I feel a strong urge to sit down and write for a screenplay I'm having in my mind, but then I think that it's with the ghostwriting that I'll be earning some money and that I should rather be working on building my business - and that turns me off so much that I go procrastinate a lot with something completely different

I say that because I am quite in the same boat. I kind of feel in the starting blocks since 3 months...It's gonna be time to really do something, even if it's small steps after small steps.

Oh yeah, I can totally understand that! I hope you can start soon. Or maybe there's something you can already begin with?

[Angela]

Originally Posted by Rose of Cairo

Of course. Never heard of that, I have no clue what you're talking about. But with you Angela I would do just everything *charming bow*

Awesome. Next time you're at the bookstore, pick up a copy of The Artists Way by Julia Cameron. There are millions of 'em at used bookstores cheap.

[Mags]

Rose - you're a scanner. I know you know this . You're just being you! Of course you're not so interested in ghostwriting anymore... that's ok. Been there, done that, on to the next thing. You know, I think maybe the people with the most to give to the world are scanners... you're made that way so that you get to touch many people's lives in a myriad of different ways!

I for one would love it if you wrote down the scenes you observe and the stories you invent about people. They don't have to evolve into full blown plots... they're snippets of your day and the world around you with your unique point of view. I think it would be fantastic.

And even if you do write a full length screenplay, it doesn't have to be a huge action-packed, dramatic and detailed thing. To me some of the most beautiful movies are ones that look at a single idea or moment in a person's life and how that changes them.

Oh, and do the Artist's Way with Angela! Julia Cameron is fantastic (and so of course is Angela!).

[Joely]

One of my all time favourite books is a collection of short stories. What about that as an approach?

[The Cloud]

If you don't want to do it for the money, then don't do it for the money. Writing is not an expensive hobby. Find a job that you don't hate to support yourself, and don't worry about writing at all. You're having the same problem that I am having with my passion of biology; I love it so much that to do it for money simply makes it feel worthless. I didn't "decide" that I loved biology, I simply knew that it was what I was going to do since at least the second grade. But now that it comes time for me to graduate from college, I barely even want to look at it. It's like marrying the woman/man you love because you have a kid with him/her and you have to get married. You love her, but that doesn't change the fact that you feel like you're being forced to do something, and the mind automatically rebels against being forced to do even the things that you want to do.

This is the only solution I have been able to come up with, to make the things that I have to do things I don't care about so that I can do the things I love for their own sake. If you find a better one, I would be happy to hear of it.

[seeker5]

Originally Posted by Rose of Cairo

Maybe I shouldn't dismiss these scenes I'm spontaneously inventing all the time. I always think they're worthless and forget about them. It's like creating something and immediately throwing it in the nearest garbage can. Maybe I should write them all down? Maybe this would lead to something?

Sounds like something nice for your blog.

About the lack of message, well I do have a message (harmony).

You know, Steve doesn't just spread his purpose of helping people grow consciously simply by writing. He also gives speeches, he also records podcasts, he listens and reads and tests other people's books/audiobooks and products and recommends the good ones. He also views movies and recommends the good ones (such as he did with "Peaceful Warrior")

Writing for you thus could perhaps simply be one way (possibly even a small way) to express your purpose of creating harmony. Dancing, singing, making sculptures, studying mathematics, taking care of animals or climbing mountains could be the other ways you express your purpose of spreading harmony. Some of those ways wouldn't necessarily generate an income though. But perhaps some of them would. However, perhaps instead of viewing writing as a full time job in which you are a writer, you could simply view it as a part-time expression of your purpose because you would have all of these other ways of expressing your purpose while earning a living?

Maybe these silly things I imagine all the time could be useful for someone in some way?

Perhaps you could do a 1-2 month trial of that and see how it goes?

I wanted to be a ghostwriter and write fiction just for fun along the way. But I don't feel good about the ghostwriter part anymore now. No actually I feel completely crappy about it.

Why do you feel crappy about it? What turns you off of it now? Is it because you've been thinking of it as a job to make money, thus it increases the pressure for you into a "I have to do this right and correct and concentrate so much on it because so much of my financial future depends on it!"? I know sometimes turning something fun into a "I must do it because so much else depends on it!" can make it completely unfun.

Originally Posted by Joely

One of my all time favourite books is a collection of short stories. What about that as an approach?

Me too, I love short stories. They are great to read before going to bed!

[Pegasus]

Rose,

I’ve heard that one way to get inspired in one artistic field (such as writing) is to start dabbling in another field (music, painting, etc.).

While I’m sure you enjoy your solitude, perhaps writing gives you a little too much of that. I could easily see you involved in some sort of theater. You get to try out new characters, be alone to prepare for your role, interact with other performers, and experience the response of the audience. After intense work on a play, you move on to the next project. If you don’t want to act, you could write a play!

..

[Bene]

Originally Posted by Rose of Cairo

That's very true, absolutely.


Self-discipline? What's that??

Sometimes I feel a strong urge to sit down and write for a screenplay I'm having in my mind, but then I think that it's with the ghostwriting that I'll be earning some money and that I should rather be working on building my business - and that turns me off so much that I go procrastinate a lot with something completely different

Rose, this is just a suggestion so don't take it the wrong way. Why don't you explore your beliefs about self-discipline? Perhaps there is something there that is holding you back? Maybe you could do a 60 day trial like someone suggested?
Sometimes you just have to stick to something long enough till motivation follows.

[evelynlim]

Hello Rose,

Instead of writing, how about just doing an audio? It may be good to record down your imaginative stories in another form.

Evelyn

[Joely]

Originally Posted by evelynlim

Hello Rose,

Instead of writing, how about just doing an audio? It may be good to record down your imaginative stories in another form.

Evelyn

She has a point - I've been using podcasts to get my work out there so far.

[{aspiring_to_clarity}]

Originally Posted by seeker5

Writing for you thus could perhaps simply be one way (possibly even a small way) to express your purpose of creating harmony. Dancing, singing, making sculptures, studying mathematics, taking care of animals or climbing mountains could be the other ways you express your purpose of spreading harmony. Some of those ways wouldn't necessarily generate an income though. But perhaps some of them would. However, perhaps instead of viewing writing as a full time job in which you are a writer, you could simply view it as a part-time expression of your purpose because you would have all of these other ways of expressing your purpose while earning a living?

^Smartypants.

Rose, even though I really wanted to help you with this situation, I hadn't written anything yet because I wasn't sure what the answer could be. I have a lot of the same feelings when it comes to my various interests and making one into a "career." When I read what seeker wrote, I felt it's a great idea. You don't have to write 24/7. It could be one of many ways you express your purpose. Renaissance folks like you would probably feel a lot happier not tied down to just one thing. And the purpose of harmony can be shared through all things you love to do. What do you think?

[Rose of Cairo]

Oh wow, so much input! I'm overwhelmed. Just one thought before I have to leave the internet café:

I'm not worried about expressing my purpose. I know I can do that in every possible way. I don't even need a career to do it, I can generate harmony privately as well, in every conversation I have, with every person in my life, while talking to strangers on the street, eating, making love or brushing my teeth. I aim to express my purpose every single minute of my life.

I don't want to write as the only way to live my purpose, I know it won't be the only way. Unfortunately I need some money to live, feed the cat and afford all these great hobbies I have. That's what I wanted to use writing for.

I totally hate the idea of having a job. I get deadly bored in a job as soon as I've figured out what it's about and how things work, which occurs pretty quickly. So taking a "good enough job" and writing in my free time is not an option.

Hmm I have to leave. I'll think more about that tonight. Thanks you all for your input!

[Buddy]

Rose,
Don't be a writer. Be someone who writes. That way you're not forced into any box that can get uncomfortable. That way you are not defined by what you do. What you do should not be who you are. Because what happens if you stop doing it?

[Rose of Cairo]

Originally Posted by Buddy

Rose,
Don't be a writer. Be someone who writes. That way you're not forced into any box that can get uncomfortable. That way you are not defined by what you do. What you do should not be who you are. Because what happens if you stop doing it?

That's a very good point indeed I'll just be me - and along the way I'll write, among other things.

I'm amazed at you all. You gave me so great advice! Thanks a lot

I've been exploring my beliefs about writing last night and realized that I had plenty of very bad thoughts about writing and writers. My younger self didn't like its conviction that I'm a writer and that's for a good reason. I thought writing is a "not so great" activity, superfluous, not serious, and that writers are self absorbed, neurotic, weak, useless beings who have tons of problems and cowardly fly out of reality instead of doing something against the problems of the world... In one word, I thought writing is honorless.

I don't agree with these thoughts. They're not mine, I just inadvertedly adopted them. I think even with writing fiction you can help the world more than with aggressive fighting against something.

Now I'm doing what Knight suggested. I carry a note book with me all the time and write everything down that pops into my mind. It's a lot! I don't know what I'm going to do with all that, but who knows?

[{aspiring_to_clarity}]

Originally Posted by Rose of Cairo

I don't agree with these thoughts. They're not mine, I just inadvertedly adopted them. I think even with writing fiction you can help the world more than with aggressive fighting against something.

Good for you for recognizing this. A good writer can bring awareness to various issues that people may be in the dark about. Even a fiction writer can give us alegory, etc that show us things about ourselves that in turn make us strive to do better. That can affect the world in a big way. I don't think it's running away at all.

[Rose of Cairo]

Originally Posted by Mags

Rose - you're a scanner. I know you know this . You're just being you! Of course you're not so interested in ghostwriting anymore... that's ok. Been there, done that, on to the next thing.

Hey Mags, yes, I know this... I guess you're right. Writing is a constant, but I'm not so interested in ghostwriting anymore, now that I've done it a few times. I guess this was just yet another fling of mine

I dumped the ghostwriting thing. I feel so relieved My motivation immediately came back. I had no problem whatsoever (but a lot of fun) working on my screenplay today, now that I don't have any "you should rather be building your ghostwriting business instead!" in my head anymore.

The money problem is still there, especially since I badly want to fly to the US for the beautiful eyes of a charming young man there. But nevermind!