Sick of the Student Role

[Michelle]

I am stuck.

I feel no motivation anymore to please any of my professors or do anything which I don't feel good about doing or which seems to have no purpose. I told my professor today that I will not perform next week in a concert at school because of needing quiet time and not seeing the point of doing it.

This has left me laying on my couch doing nothing for the past two weeks, waiting for some real Source centered motivation to arrive. It feels so strange, because I have actually identified my purpose. Part of me wonders if this is some dramatic ending of Lightworker Syndrome.

I feel so angry about not being able to stand up for myself in the face of my school and professor. I feel so angry about not taking what I want seriously. I am sick of people telling me what is realistic instead of listening inside myself about what is realistic for me.

It has gotten to the point where I am considering dropping out one year before my Masters.

Any advice or thoughts would be appreciated.

[cftwo]

You know, this is a tough time in the semester for students and teachers - deadlines loom for both groups, and since you're also apparently involved in music, the holiday concert season just adds a layer of stress. I've come to see it as just part of the academic game. For now (and for the foreseeable future) we're stuck with a system which works everyone to the point of exhaustion, gives a short break, and then starts up all over again. At this point in the semester, it's hard to teach - all the students are tired, burnt out and no one wants to be in class anymore. Add the deadlines and projects on top of it, and it's not a very positive place to be.

Why do I do it, even with the system? Because I love my subject. I find that even when things are stressful, sitting down with my philosophy books is energizing. I find myself thinking "This is neat!" and wishing I did a better job of convincing my students that it really is interesting. It can be tough on those days when my brain isn't working at full speed, but I really like philosophy, even if the academic system is problematic.

I'm not sure what Lightworker Syndrome is, nor am I really sure what you want to do. If you're still interested in your field - stick it out. It's just the game that has to be played to do what you want to do. My dad kept reminding me that the Ph.D. is the union card in my business - if I wanted in, I had to play the game. Believe me - graduate school isn't a very fun process, and that idea kept me going. That became my motivation - and it has paid off. But if playing the game won't get you to what is realistic for you or what your purpose is, then drop out.

But do keep in mind that you're at the low point in the semester that everyone goes through, and part of the problem may just be that.

[Dharma]

Yeah, you sound stuck... Not doing anything for two weeks?
I have no advice right now... there's something that I'm missing.

Can you talk more about this?

Originally Posted by Michelle

I feel so angry about not being able to stand up for myself in the face of my school and professor. I feel so angry about not taking what I want seriously. I am sick of people telling me what is realistic instead of listening inside myself about what is realistic for me.

Have you actually expressed your anger to anyone? And I mean if there's rage and intense swearing inside, have you let it out?

What changed two weeks ago that you reacted to by shutting down? We're you contemplating a change in direction/purpose?

[Michelle]

Okay, more:

I attend an elitest arts university in Switzerland as a classical singer. It is my last year (of 8). I have had a fantastic, world class education and I love my singing professor. There is also no doubt in my mind that singing is the tool for living my purpose. I have a lot of freedom and time to work, very few exams and almost no marks to worry about. That is the beauty of this school for artists. Artists need air and room. I have it, which is why I can afford the rebellion of these past two weeks.

Two weeks ago I realized that talent has gotten me very far, and that any actual work I have done til now has been to keep peace in my life. This means any practicing or preparation for lessons/performances have been done to please/appease professors.

This no longer suits me. I want my work to please me, and I want my motivation to be my own. So, while the old motivation has been removed (that of doing everything to please/appease) there is still a vacuum in that area - meaning I am motivationless and don't know what to do.

[Dharma]

First off, you're not seeing your professors as yourself. They are reflections of you. Your attitude toward them is how you feel about the part of you that teaches you. (can I put more pronouns in there? )

The practicing for lessons and performances has been done to appease you all this time. Are you a tough self-critic? You can look at your schooling and say "this is how I've chosen to learn"? This is how I teach me things?

You say "I want my work to please me, and I want my motivation to be my own"... when its always been your own. Do you think you've been using guilt or maybe performance (critiques) to get you to follow your dream?

So you are removing that layer of denial (that the profs are not you) but in doing that, you lost your motivation. You feel a hole or vacuum in that area.

The vacuum you are feeling is because you now don't have anything to push off of to get you going. The impetus to move always (seemed to) come from the outside (the professors). You just removed the profs from the equation and it feels like there's nothing to get you going. You're waiting for the impulse to come from the outside, because that's what you're used to.

Without the denial there it feels like you're free-floating. The choice to move now has to come from within you since there is nothing to push off of. It is a greater sense of your creatorship which you have asked for, and you have delivered.

Bravo.

[Michelle]

Ooooh! Dharma Dharma Dharma! You are a very good thinker! Yours is the answer I have been waiting for!

Thank you!

[RT Wolf]

Thank you for that post Dharma, I found that really resonated with me.

[Akashic_Librarian]

I am student, younger than you I think. I am 15, 16 in January, but don't think my age has any bearing on how I feel. I am no angst ridden teen who hates The Man and likes to fight the power by slitting my arms and listening to dark, emo music.

But what I will say this, these teachers and professors hold no power over you, they hold false power, given to them by people who hold false power.

The rules they profess as so impotant are not real. The only rules you should follow are those you choose to. Rules are for people who can't think for themselves, rules are for childrens games. Never forget that.

[Michelle]

Update:
I wrote my main professor (of singing) that she and I need to redefine our relationship from student-teacher to more of partner-partner concerning my education. I also told her the thought of singing in next week's concert does not give me pleasure and that I will not do any singing in the future which does not bring me pleasure. I also told her that the idea of a bunch of dusty old professors sitting there judging my singing to be worthy or not (and who would do hard to do better themselves) makes me boil.

Today she called me, and made the very good point that my singing is not about the professors or even me - but about the music and art itself. She said she is shocked by what I said of my professors. And we have to have a meeting this Tuesday. She told me my wanting to spread my wings is a good thing, but that it has to come from a more realistic perception. Somehow this makes me very angry.

What do you guys think? My professor is part of me which wants me to be more realistic, etc? Should I listen to that part of me or try to convince it otherwise?

I feel somehow lost...

[Akashic_Librarian]

The "realistic" they speak of is not what you would call realistic, its the follow the rules, be opressed, be controlled, follow the leader realistic....


Be free.

[CeciL]

Stick it out. Don't waste the time you have already put into this goal / dream. You'll have all time in the world to work from your passion when you are your own boss. In life you are always going to have to deal with difficult circumstances and people. Don't run from it, suck it up, face it, beat it into the ground and move on.

You can not know true freedom until you have experienced oppression...

[placebo]

I've had a similiar problem 3 years ago. I was basketball player, good one, and after high school i had to decide what to do. Will i try to be a proffessional or go to college. In my country there's no college sports on level i wanted to play.

And playing was my dream since i'm aware of myself, since i was a little kid. Many people told me, including my parents and friends that i have to be realistic, one injury can stop me from playing basketball. And without college people live hard here. It was too big pressure for 18 years old boy, so i decided to follow their dream, to be realistic in their reality, not my.

And now, three years later i think it was the biggest mistake in my life. So many sleepless nights just because i didn't know what to dream. I had to change my dreams.
Everything could be different now, only if i had right attitude and faith in my self and my potential. But i didn't. 12 years of hard work simply gone with the wind.

Don't do my mistake, belive in yourself, change attitude if necessary. People will probably think that you are a different Michelle, that they don't know you anymore. Who cares, in the end only you know your reasons. And yes it looks like it is too hard sometimes but remember it is your dream and your reallity.

[Dharma]

You are the music and the art itself so, well, that's trifle, but in the back of your head, still know it's all about you.

Ok, were going to work with some reflection now, take what you said here and make it all about you:

She said she is shocked by what I said of my professors. And we have to have a meeting this Tuesday. She told me my wanting to spread my wings is a good thing, but that it has to come from a more realistic perception.

Like this:
I said I am shocked by what I said about myself. ... I told me my wanting to spread my wings is a good thing, but that I have to come from a more realistic perception.

So I'm telling me I'm having a reaction to what I said (I could not fully receive the expression I made: "dusty old professors...") so I'm feeling guilty inside (and not letting myself feel that), and I approve of my expansion, and I'm telling me I have to be more grounded and in the moment with how I feel.

---
Your professor is a reflection of you and trying to change the reflection is like putting a lipstick smile on a mirror and saying you're happy. The change has to come from within and then the outer reflection will change.

Because your professor was "shocked" I'd say you're feeling some guilt about calling your profs dusty old thingamajigs. On your meeting on Tuesday, express that to her. Tell her you are angry as hell about their judgements AND you feel guilty about not respecting them.

Tell her you are working on your personal growth and you need her to support you. Tell her things might be a little weird for a while but you need a person in the school to express whatever it is you need to express. Angry words that are not expressed will quickly compress the joy right out of you.

Problems will come if you say something negative and she tries to make it mean something. Remind her and yourself that you're just expressing what is inside and it can be totally in denial of reality, but it's being expressed, which is 10x better than holding it in.

On Tuesday do a reality check with your prof if you feel the need:
"I know I said some mean things in that message, do you dislike me for saying those things about my instructors?" This would be good if she's not upfront with how she feels. If she's mad at you, just say ok, don't fight the mirror.

From me:
I want you to reconsider singing in next week's concert. If you sing, 'they' don't win and you don't lose. Singing is your love.

[Michelle]

Thank you, Dharma. You have been so helpful to me.

The meeting with my professor went well. It was difficult, but I did my best to view the whole thing from a subjective reality viewpoint. Apparently this mindset is still not well enough integrated into my being. I also did a crash course in Paraliminals yesterday trying to ingrain the new belief that I am not generally guilty and reduce anxiety.

We did in fact reach a new level of our relationship and connected for the first time as human beings outside of our student/teacher roles. This way I was able to tell her I need to be free to express myself without her threatening to throw me out of the class. I also didn't apologize for what I said in my email, simply because I am not sorry.

We did agree that I will perform next week in the concert, because her argument that my ego seems to have gotten in the way of the art is correct.

I still can't believe the whole thing, and feel somewhat anxious about it. Still, it is the right way, I know.

Wah.