One of my primary goals right now is to increase my charisma / personal magnetism, one because its an invaluable skill to have and two because i cannot see myself achieving my dreams if im not charismatic. So i'm going to use this thread not only to introduce myself (first post! wooho) but to also write down experiences (good and bad) epiphanies, and things i need to work on during the learning process of cultivating charisma. By reiterating my thoughts i'll reinforce them for myself and hopefully pass on something useful to anyone else reading! Any advice would be great and feel free to share anything of your own if you are on a similar quest! :)
a bit about me... I was always a very shy and anti social kid, i had a very bad social phobia as a teenager which meant i would just sit in the corner and shutup in fear that i might say something stupid, if i was to go to a party (rare) i would need alcohol as a social lubricant but regret it the next day because i would no doubt do something stupid. Pretty much my ♥♥♥♥♥♥ life consisted of playing video games like Unreal Tournament 10+ hours a day and with all that practice i was exceptionally good at playing it and highly respected on the games online community but i forsook more and more of my personal life where i only felt sorry for myself and commanded no respect. (ps. people who develop addictive games are evil ;) )
It came to the point where i was so despondent and depressed that i realised life is not worth living if you're living like this - so i made the decision to change, it might take 2 years, maybe 5, 10, 20, i didnt care I just knew that one day i would become the person i fantasized about being. I uninstalled every game on my computer and spent the spare time devouring a tonne of self help and slowly but surely applied it to my life. Its been five years since then and people i knew back then dont even recognise me anymore :)
I spent the last year travelling solo through South America, now that i am back i felt i needed a career change from network engineering (computers) to something more people focused so I found work as a door to door salesman (selling subscriptions to charities) which has given me some experience in sales and the chance to model myself on the charismatic people i work with. By knocking on 80 doors a day ive really gotten over the fear of rejection and its helped me fine tune a can fine tune elements of my game.
One thing I noticed while working is that the people who answered some doors would just drain all of my energy leaving me to think how much i hated the job, how im not going to make any sales today, how i will never learn to be a good salesman etc. Other people would leave me feeling great (irrespective if they registered for the charity or not) just by talking to them, maybe they invited me into their house for a coffee or they just had a bubbly personality.
This led me think about this psychic transfer of positive and negative energy that happens all around us all the time. An epiphany came to me when I was in a busy supermarket in the city at the 12 items or less lane where checkout chicks serve hundreds of customers every day who are normally in a rush, rude, or indifferent.
The middle aged lady who was to serve me looked tired, bored, sad, and fed up with her job and i went up to her and said "Hi how you going today?!" beaming, focusing all of my energy on her like we we're the only two people in the room and she beamed back at me and said "I'm great! How are you?" to which I replied "I'm great!" and then I gave her the money and said "have a great day!" and she said "You too!"
I looked back over my shoulder and saw her servicing the next customer with renewed energy and a big smile on her face like she loved her job which consequently bought a smile to the apathetic sleepwalking drone she next serviced which ultimately made me feel even better and ready to use more of this energy on the next unsuspecting person mwahaha ;)
I think the trick is you cannot seem cheesy or condescending and you cannot seem like you are being overly nice because you want something out of it or some other covert cause. It has to be completely genuine. In this case i did have the hidden intention to practice on her but it came with a genuine interest to brighten the poor womans day.
Everyone you relate to on any given day will effect you in some way, there is a feedback loop which is either negative or positive depending on your perspective and the person you are dealing with. In my experiences the more i have given the more i have received and i believe that the paradox of charisma is that in order to build up this positive energy you are going to have to first spend what little you may have by enriching the life of someone else in some small way.
I find your thoughts about charisma interesting...you state:
"Everyone you relate to on any given day will effect you in some way, there is a feedback loop which is either negative or positive depending on your perspective and the person you are dealing with."
I think this is a great perspective, and I think bringing positive energy to others helps create a reputation of charisma. Other factors of charisma:
* naturally knowing how to respond in complicated social situations
* being healthy and having the "glow" that comes with physical balance
* Having overall good karma :-)
Some others I wonder about (I think these create the appearance of charisma, but when you get closer to the person, these have to backed up by the things above). Some of the more transparent things I think of:
* physical appearance
I am obviously more in favor of the first grouping. I am wondering how others would define the Core Value of Charisma.
definitely important, its been proven that attractive men and women have a Halo Effect whereby they are viewed by others as more honest irrespective of their character.
if our western capitalistic cultures judge people on their earning ability then we will also, although i have little respect for people who are given big trust funds by daddy and flaunt it. wealth is also very attractive to girls and guys are drawn to other guys who are good with girls.
if you have power and abuse it, you are feared not respected. this is not charisma, "Mastering others is strength; mastering yourself is true power" sun tzu. self discipline is my biggest challenge at the moment.
knowing how to respond in any social situation
i think is very important in any form of leadership, if people are to follow you and place their trust in you they need to feel like there is nothing to worry about because you know what you are doing
being healthy and having the "glow" that comes with physical balance
eating healthy and regular exercise, i would also say that the glow comes from the mysterious balance between ones inner world and their outer world. if someone is stressed but gives the outward appearance that everything's ok the incongruity will come across in their body language.
Having overall good karma :-)
if you feel that you are doing good then you're obviously going to feel good :)
I am going to profile too people in the office because they have the attributes you mentioned
Extremely good salesman, public speaker, motivator, exudes personal magnetism, always dressed in a suit etc. When i first started working there i thought 'what a great guy' and was amazed at his public speaking confidence and the way he would capture the attention of everyone in the room. He has the physical appearance, wealth and power trifecta.
After a few weeks a halo effect will naturally fade as we begin to get to know someone better, first impressions last whether they are good or bad but they do eventually become less potent. After a few weeks i began to reevaluate my perceptions of the boss, primarily because there were rumours from colleagues that he was fake, its good to take everything with a grain of salt but reputation is very important when assessing social dynamics so i looked at him with a more critical eye and i too came to the conclusion that he was fake.
He has many narcissistic qualities, he has to be the 'best' at everything even if its unrelated to the work - if someone is a great golf player he is even better and he doesn't even practice. If you've made lots of sales on the day your his best friend (a large percentage of the money for the sale goes to him) if not he doesn't acknowledge your presence. In short, I respect him greatly for what he has achieved but i also feel sorry for him because he can't keep friends, he ultimately wants people to worship him. Pity is the worst thing you want if you are trying to cultivate charisma
lets contrast this with one of the team leaders...
There's this Pakistani guy who can somehow smile with his eyes, they have that 'glow' you are talking about, i've only ever met Indians who can do this before (where the f*** can i learn this??? hah). Just by looking at him you can tell he is completely comfortable with himself and his surroundings, he knows how to respond in any social situation like nothing phases him (knocking on 80doors a day for a year will do this to you, ive had people answer the door with a knife in hand hah) People go to him if they have grievances against someone in the office because he is a just and good mediator and they trust him
He is very careful not to 'outshine' the boss when they are in the same room, he doesn't need to impress or prove himself to anyone so people try and impress and prove themselves to him. I think this is part of the mystique to charisma, where someone can be the centre of attention in any given social situation if they so desired, but will instead focus on others who crave the attention more than he does.
both are two very different people, while the boss seems charismatic at first he cannot keep up the game, the pakistani guy doesnt even have a game.
Very interesting perspectives, you have there, thirial. I agree with the points about charisma that you put down.
It seems to me, that you are the sort of person who doesn't go through life blindly but make observations about the simple truths in life!
Love, light and hope,
hey thanks :)
i met this Irish guy recently, his skinny, short, not handsome in any way, and a social genius. We went out for drinks with a group of people, and the conversation revolved around him from the very moment he arrived, but not in a bad way! everyone was asking him questions, what he said somehow seemed to carry more weight, etc
i just sat back and watched, stunned, i have no idea how he was doing it
This goes against one of the cardinal rules in the book How To Win Friends and Influence People, ie. ask others lots of questions, show interest in others without revealing much about yourself and they will later be interested in you, he seemed to skip that completely
any theories guys?
I think it happened because he was a new acquaintance for your friends and from the different country. They were just eager to know him better, just curious.
I don't know about charisma...but I certainly seem to hog the limelight compared to a few years ago. I was a totally reserved person but I got no peace or security in my reserved form so I decided to try and 'turn on' my charm. I'm very observant so I subconsiously copied the most 'charismatic' people I knew (Charismatic is a controversial word, it can mean different things). Anyways I would turn it on and off and then it became more on than off, and I soon became the person I was trying to be (even though it wasn't me at all!!), then I developed my own unique style and today I steal the limelight without wanting to. And its sometimes really annoying because I have to watch my every move and sometimes I lose my composure.
But compared to what I was before I think the most subtle changes include always smiling (I don't even notice that I smile it just comes to me), witty comments, not esentially jokes. You don't have to be a good comedian to get the people around you with a smile on their faces. Make humor-based reactions to expression, to a sentence. Sarcasm is an important tool in this.
I sometimes lose my credibility by overdoing it with humour so you have to make sure you're not always goofy or you'll be labelled that way.
In fact always engage in a good intelligent debate but make sure you win. The most important thing in an arguement is to NEVER EVER shout at the person, let them shout at you. The person who is shouting is the person who is losing the arguement and needs to shout to heighten his point and tries to influence others by his volume not by his reason.
Another trait I have is that I'm relaxed. I didn't develop this so I don't know how you get it. I was always an EXTREMELY relaxed person. I always feel cool and I'm hard to wind-up. I never lose my cool.
Posture, keep yourself straight and always assume the leading position. If you're walking with someone, NEVER let them lead you, you lead them.
Your voice: make sure its never slow-paced and make sure you speak fluently.
Talk! Don't be afraid of a person thinking of you as overly-talkative, as long as you make sure the person CAN respond you're not overly-talkative. Listen, talk, listen, talk. If the other person doesen't talk, maybe he's shy, talk more if he keeps on not talking then don't talk anymore. Anyways people prefer overly-talkative people to reserved ones that's for sure!
obviously your clothes symbolise what kind of person you are (not saying you should wear a tux to everywhere!! but avoid clothes that are specific to a genre of people (goth, jock etc)
another thing: Influence people don't let them influence you, When someone says something and everyone agrees with them, Oppose it! (if you don't believe in it and are agreeing with it because everyone else is)
DON'T ever turn the other cheek when you walk by someone who you haven't talked to in a while. If you talked to someone for at least ONE time, they've become a part of your life don't ignore them even if they ignore you. If they do that's their problem, always greet them or at least smile at them.
wow....I don't know where all these ideas are coming from, I usually take these things forgranted and these are subconscious traits I have but now I've suddenly become aware of them lol...strange.
Hope this helps.
Check out The Blueprint De-coded by Real Social Dynamics. Mind blowing.
their forum is
Real Social Dynamics Nation - Powered by vBulletin
or check out their blog
the best personal development company pertaining specifically to social skills by far. A lot of the ideas are very Steve Pavlina-esque in nature.
I've been reading the Real Social Dynamics blog for a while, after I saw a post on this forum, and the information there have really improved my social relations. And it's no ego based learning. It's no faking, it's about being the best you. Many of the ideas and principles are spiritual and, as you said, Steve Pavlina-esque in nature. I really like the idea about being in your own reality.
Recently I saw the RSD Foundations DVD and it's worth it's weight in gold. As far as I've heard the Blueprint Decoded is the RSD masterpiece so I can only imagine how thats like :P
Real Social Dynamics is highly recommended :) Definitely the best stuff about social relations I've come across so far.
That sounds great thirial! I would love to do the same. :)
It helps when you are able to build self-esteem and confidence. You can attract people, you can get them to listen to what you say and emulate your course of actions. But it cna be destructive to some especially if the other person with charisma appears to be a bad example or influence for the other.
Dude, you rock.
Your story sounds a lot like mine. Started out bitter, angry, and shy as a kid as recently as 3 years ago.
Then I met some crazy people from the world of "pick up artists". Took a bootcamp about 6 months ago, and the rest is history (ok, there's more to the story then that, but whatever :P)
I'm not scared of talking to strangers anymore (most of the time), and it feels great to make someone smile for no particular reason.
I'm doing engineering at uni but 2 months ago I took up a part-time job running my own painting business franchise and I get the same feeling when cold-calling. Some people are just super fun to talk to regardless of whether they buy your service. Others just give you a bad vibe. All you can do is approach every door with tons of enthusiasm and realize if they're not nice back to you, then they're probably just having a bad day - it doesn't reflect on you at all.
I fully support your quest for charisma. I'm on the same one right now :)
Do anyone of you experience really varying social performance? One day I can be totally "on fire", the next day my social interactions really suck.
My theory is that my social performance is connected to my degree of present moment awareness, as Eckhart Tolle is talking about.
I believe that my social performance gets better and better everyday.
I've always had it, but I didn't know/ didn't care enough to turn it on back in the days. I was pretty quiet, not shy, just a quiet guy for most of the time in High School, and for some of the time in college. Simply because I didn't care enough to go out of my way to get to know other people. Seriously, I'm all for myself mostly, other people......they're there....but I'm here.
I was never quiet when I was a kid, I would spew nonsense from my mouth all the time. But then I grew up and realized it's better to listen and observe.
But these days I don't have fear approaching anyone. Yeah I get nervous, IF there's a really really attractive female...but it takes a lot really. Thing is, I can say to them anything, anything I want without being offensive because of charisma. Why do people give you looks, maybe you look good, but charisma plays a part as well.
ive been meaning to reply to this thread and answer some questions post some breakthroughs ive had recently...but...ive been watching Blueprint Decoded on Platos advice and my god i am just blown away. Its really taken me to another level. I've always been a big fan of David Deangelo and Pook who helped me get where i am but i think Tyler is just a cut above everyone else.
Plato care to create a Blueprint Decoded appreciation thread? :p I think if we try and put the contents discussed on it in our own words so that people who haven't seen it will understand we will be able to better integrate some of the concepts ourselves and encourage people to watch it. :D
Murre, I get the same thing from time to time but it becomes rarer as time goes on. This is the process:
1. You go out and have tons of social interactions. Pull, have fun, whatever.
2. You come home, and if your ego is active, which is probably over 90% of the time in the beginning (replaying scenarios, thinking small, "What about me me ME?!"), you re-center yourself. With Eckhart Tolle, the Blueprint, etc. I watch 15 mins a day - AWESOME! If I got rocked that day, and come home reeling from the blows, I watch 15 mins and it's "Oh yeah, I see, positivity and abundance, so simple!" And now I can better maintain it. Just keep re-centering while putting yourself into different situations. That's the key.
BLUEPRINT DECODED WINS! It's helped me become not only better socially and brought me to a place of presence and connectedness, but I also think more clearly about the problems in this world and more easily put things into perspective. My English teacher notices. I might post up an essay I wrote which you guys will appreciate.
If no one else does it by tomorrow - I'll make a BP appreciation thread. It's a must see for the vast majority of society, kinda like a show about the shrinking rain forests would be.
Another vote of confidence for Eckhart Tolle here. I'm finding his material helps me to 'rise above' old conditioning and concerns, and is a fantastic help in getting past any social anxiety, and to a place of centredness and balance. Also there's a compassionate indifference (of other people), if that's the best way to describe it? It doesn't matter so much what other people think, do, or say to me; it makes no difference to my inner core being. The more I find myself in that place, the more playful and fun I can be.
Look forward to TBPD appreciation thread. Am hestiant to give it a whirl, what would my friends and family say if I turned in to a womanising love monster ...
You sound pretty charismatic already. Don't give up the work though, as it sounds like you are doing some good for everybody with your personal development. :)
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