Need some help

[aj215]

I'm about to turn 21 in a couple months and have no job (for about a year), no money, no car. I live at home with my parents who constantly bug me to get a job. The problem is I'm not the school type of person, I barely graduated high school. I've had a couple different jobs in the last couple years. I can't keep any though. The problem is I don't like to take orders from people, especially when the pay is low and hate waking up early in the morning.

I realize if I want to get a good job, I'm going to have to either go to college or get really lucky and find a good job and be working at the same place for a long time. Another problem is I can't force myself everyday to do something that I hate. The only thing I can really see me doing in the future is owning a business, but honestly, I don't see that being a reality.

The only people who push me to try and get a job is my parents. They tell me to either go to college or get a job. My friends really don't push me because very few of them went to college and are working dead end jobs or not making a honest living (take it as you want).

I want to get out of this hole that I dug myself into but I don't know how to. I won't go to college and I refuse to work a low paying job that I HATE. Please someone get through my thick skull, I don't want to be 30 and still be in the same situation, and that will come true if I don't get a good job soon. It's tough out here in NY everything is so damn expensive.

HELP, I just want to be successful in life and make my parents proud, I hate seeing my mom stressed out over me.

[smartile]

Hi aj215,

The problem is I don't like to take orders from people

Maybe it takes a change in perspective. I'm working full time and have my online business that is part-time. My part time business is my dream and I still create it while I work during the day.

Instead of thinking of it as 'taking orders' from someone, you could think of it as contributing. When you contributing you're putting in your own creative juice into the mix. So now it's not just a production line with people telling you what to do, you actually get to come up with your own creative solutions to the problems at your job. Not only that but you're also providing value, which means you're helping people and opening the door to increase your income.

[sheffy4]

What do you like to do? Turn your passion into a way to create income.
Even if it seems like you could never make money from it, still try it because you never know.
I have a friend who really enjoys drawing eccentric stick figures. She turned her hobby into a business. Now she sells clothes with her stick figure drawings on them, and she makes plenty to sustain herself (she lives in CA, it's expensive there as well).
Yeah, stick figures!

If you're curious, check out Juror2's Exceptionally Curious T-shirts

[ellie]

Well if you don't like taking orders there's not point trying to get a job where you have to take orders. Trust me I know

There are jobs out there where you can work independently, you just have to really look for them and be patient. i suppose it would help to have a degree of some sort, because there are office jobs where they want you to be able to work autonomously.

Or you can start your own business.

I'm trying to do both. In fact most of the jobs I have had I have worked autonomously because I know it's the only thing that works for me - lol! If I have to work for a company it will only be ever if I can work pretty autonomously. I can't work with people sitting right next to me, looking over my shoulder it just freaks me out - lol! I've just come to accept that this is who I am, and I'm not going to change it to suit others. I did that and never worked.

Now you can try and force yourself to work with other people, like I did for many years or accept the fact that you don't like working with other people and you will find a solution to working not close to someone else.

Take the latter, so you don't waste years of not staying in jobs and wondering why - he he!

Once you know what suits you the best, write it down, then see if you can write down what careers would suit you ie;
Project manager
A large firm that has one inhouse designer, as opposed to a design team where you know there will be a design manager
data entry operator who works from home
writer
etc

I remember seeing something on Oprah the other day, there was a writer on her show. He said I became a writer so I wouldn't have to work, I liked that way of thinking.

[bellemeadows]

There is always a payoff for whatever path we take. You may just want to be a rebel, and not take orders, not fit in, and enjoy that space. You don't really sound unhappy with where you are.

So my Q to you is, what is your payoff for not working or going to school. How does it make you feel good? Do you really want to do something different, or are you content to live off your parents, and not fit into the traditional work force? Are you enjoying the attention from your parents, their concern for your path and your future? Are you holding out for something different? Or do you just like being where you are, with no car, etc., etc., etc.

You may as well know whatever your payoff is -- it will help you determine the right path for yourself, and understand what your underlying motivation is.

All the best to you, Belle

[SonoranBob]

It might not seem natural to you to arrange your day around an employer's schedule, and give up some of your freedom to do things their way. But maybe I can give you an analogy that would help you realize it's not the big deal you think it is.

When you need to take a dump, do you just let loose in your pants when the urge strikes you, or do you find a toilet? I thought so.

When you were newborn, though, I'll bet you let loose whenever the urge struck you. What could be more natural? But at some point, probably before you were 4, someone persuaded you to rethink that and to hold it until the appropriate time and place. At first that seemed unnatural, and maybe even a pain in the ass -- but guess what? After some 16 years or so that unreasonable, unnatural thing that mommy asked you to do -- control your bowels -- is now something you don't even give a second thought to. In fact, if you were to mess your pants, THAT would seem unnatural to you, and you would be rather distressed about it.

It's all a matter of perspective. It is no more "reasonable" to get up when you'd rather sleep, to do uninteresting work for less pay than you could wish for, and to pay your taxes than it is to not sh_t your pants. So what? There's no one here that didn't start out in an unglamorous job. The thing is, the way you eventually find interesting and rewarding work is to start with whatever presents itself. You don't wait for it to fall from the sky.

You gave up the freedom to poop at random in exchange for not being confined to a ward someplace where people don't have to be disgusted by you. You give up the freedom to sleep and goof off at random in order to provide for yourself. There is nothing wrong with pooping, sleeping, or goofing off ... it's just that the pleasure goes out of them when you do them all the time. Sleep is sweet and goofing off is joyful when they're earned. They're boring and unsatisfying when ... shall we say ... un-punctuated.

Get over the idea that it's evil for anyone to ask anything of you and give the idea of service a 90 day trial. Care about people and offer them your best out of love. You will like it. Honest. Not only will it not kill you, it has a crazy way of enriching you and making you happy. I'm willing to bet you don't remember the last time you enjoyed a sense of accomplishment. Maybe you never have. It's never too late to start.

--Bob

[m18pak]

aj215, what you have to realize is that you can't change your life without changing yourself. The reason you are stuck in the situation you're in now is because you keep doing the same things, and you keep doing the same things because you simply don't know any better. It's like the saying that if people knew better they would do better. You are doing the best that you can, given your current level of consciousness and understanding of the world.

So from here two things can happen. You'll either refuse to change yourself and your way of thinking and keep sinking down until eventually you hit some crisis so dramatic that you are finally shocked into accepting that you can no longer continue as you have been doing, or you'll accept that you can no longer keep doing what you've always done and expect different results, and you'll ask for a higher understanding of the situation.

Understanding is the key. You want to change your situation, but you don't know how or else you would have done it already. How can you make a positive change when you don't know how you can do it? You can't - it's not possible.

This is where most people stumble. People are as a rule notoriously stubborn to surrender their beliefs and worldviews, even when refusing to do so leads to stagnation and possibly even death. You have already taken a vital step by posting on here. Your action shows that you are at least ready to consider that you might be doing something wrong - most people never even get this far and just spend their time blaming anyone and everyone else for their own mistakes - so for that you deserve to be congratulated.

So all you need to do now is to sincerely ask for and be willing to listen to a higher understanding of the situation. If you could see your problems from a higher, more enlightened perspective then you'll be able to take better actions. Don't worry about asking specific people or whatever; all you need to do is to adopt the attitude that you are now willing to be taught a better way of looking at the situation, a higher understanding of life.

When the student is ready the student will appear: it is a fact of life. Please don't try to logically analyze or question this - just do it. Realize that what you are currently doing is not creating the results that you want, and ask for a higher understanding so that you will know what to do to get what you want.

In life we can only move forward by consciously choosing to learn and grow.

I realize that this might sound all a little abstract and overly philosophical, so if you don't really get what I'm saying all you need to remember is this:

1. You realize that you are not getting what you want.
2. You realize that it's because of the way you act right now.
3. You accept that you act the way you do because of the current level of understanding that you have, your worldview.
4. You become willing to let go of your incomplete understanding and to reach for a higher, more complete understanding. You don't do what the majority, which is to always insist that they are always right.

I hope this helps and good luck.

[ellie]

Personally I don't agree what has been written here, but then again I am stubborn

I think aj215 is actually smart cookie and realised early that the worlds a tough place and people are willing to screw you over left, right and centre.

All I believe he has to do, is accept what he believes in, don't doubt what he needs/wants and go for it. By the sounds of it he's not really a bum, but he just doesn't want to accept second best. I don't see anything wrong with that. He does want to make something of himself and make his parents proud, so that says to me that he's willing to work hard in the right job.

When you have a strong focus on what really suits you, you tend to find work in that area.

So really brainstorm your strengths and weaknesses and what sort of job suits you.

[SonoranBob]

Originally Posted by ellie

When you have a strong focus on what really suits you, you tend to find work in that area.

Yes, but not instantaneously. If you want responsible work you have to show yourself to be responsible and industrious. It's not beneath him to have to provide that evidence, pay his dues, and work his way up to what he wants. Nor does it have to take long at all, but he does have to start where he is.

It's an illusion that life owes anyone anything. To that extent, your concept of a dog-eat-dog world is correct. But you are certainly pessimistic about people, aren't you? I'm a pessimist / realist by nature, as well as an introvert and a loner. But I don't see it as me against the world. I see it as me finding my place in a world that has both good hearted and evil people. No, you don't indiscriminately trust everyone, and you don't completely trust many ... but there is love and light in the world if you're willing to give up the myth that you are so much better than all the other bozos.

And even the bozos have things to teach us. Wow, now that's humbling.

--Bob

[Jennihul]

Most of these fru fru kindly responses are not incorrect. But your basic purpose as a human is, first and foremost, to not be a burden on society or on others. So despite your displeasure at the prospect of working a job you hate (waa waa!) you must fulfill that purpose. You support yourself.

Then, you figure out how to support yourself by doing something you like. If you cannot figure out how to do something you like FIRST, and then become employed in that field, you do whatever you can until that revelation comes to you. Love it or hate it. Consider it your punishment for not cultivating good planning and goal setting skills.

This harsh wisdom comes from my own place, at your age, of not knowing what I wanted to do when I grew up. Then, suddenly, I was grown, directionless, depressed and basically an idiot with an IQ of 150. Worthless as a human.

My direction came from a couple of simple facts/ideas:

1) I couldn't survive on $287 dollars a week in the Northeast of the US without living in a slum.

2) I had two years before I was marrying my minimum-wage-earning boyfriend (that's $4.80 an hour for those of you who weren't alive in 1985) and needed to figure out what career I could graduate in, in two years, where I made more than $287 dollars a week as a file clerk.

3) I refused to end up like the people I worked with. Either completely dependant on a husband with a decent job that could be downsized in the blink of an eye or just barely scraping by.

4) I knew I was literally capable of doing anything if I applied myself.

I looked close to home, so to speak, and saw students in the radiology department of the hospital I worked in. Men and women that were braindead compared to me with one exception: They had a goal and I didn't. It made them geniuses and me the aformentioned idiot.

So I signed up for the program, not because I would particularly enjoy it. Not because it was my lifelong dream to shoot ionizing radiation into innocent human flesh. Not because I loved human beings all that much and wanted to "help" them. Not because I exuded compassion toward ill people. But because it fit my criteria. Two years. Cheap and convenient for me since I could keep my part-time job and still go to school.

My tuition was $316 a semester at the community college. My books were $492 a semester. I was too old to latch onto mommy's health insurance even though I was a full-time student so I had to pay for that out of pocket. My car payment/insurance took the rest of my money. My sister, who worked with me at my part-time job basically fed me for two years when mommy didn't. I lived at home. Worked every day that I wasn't at school.

I graduated with honors, took the first job I was offered and never said no to a single thing that they asked of me. I was the supervisor of my office within one year. The operational manager of the practice within five years.

I went from making $287 a week to 60K within ten years. I now have an economy-proof career that allows me to do all the things I want and like to do when I am not working. There are more fun things I could be doing, there are way less fun things I could be doing. Like working a skill-less, low paying crap job and whining about it.

But when life does not hand you your direction, you have to just suck it up and do what you can.

The more time you waste whining, the harder it gets.

Jennifer

[aj215]

Thanks for all the responses, I appreciate it.

Originally Posted by Jennihul

I graduated with honors, took the first job I was offered and never said no to a single thing that they asked of me. I was the supervisor of my office within one year. The operational manager of the practice within five years.

I went from making $287 a week to 60K within ten years. I now have an economy-proof career that allows me to do all the things I want and like to do when I am not working. There are more fun things I could be doing, there are way less fun things I could be doing. Like working a skill-less, low paying crap job and whining about it.
Jennifer

No offense, but this is the exact opposite of what I want to do. For a lot of people the route you went is fine for them, but not for me, I just can't do it. This would be a lot easier for me if I just new what I wanted to do for the rest of my life. I don't know maybe it will take something horrible happen to me to make me change my ways.

It's not that I want everything handed to me on a silver platter. I know that's not how the real world works. I'm willing to work for it. Being dead broke is the worst feeling in the world, I can't deal with it anymore. I wish I could just find something I like that is worth pursuing. I guess I have to figure that out for myself though...

[SonoranBob]

Originally Posted by aj215

This would be a lot easier for me if I just new what I wanted to do for the rest of my life.

False choice. You do not have to figure out in advance, today, what you're going to do, assume you're going to do it for the rest of your life, and then put all your eggs in that basket.

You don't have any idea what you want to do because you haven't tried anything.

You have EVERY idea what you DON'T want to do because you're waiting for ... I dunno, a blinding vision from heaven or a spontaneous orgasm or something earth shattering to tell you with certainty THE path for your life.

There is no ONE path, no certitude, and you figure things out gradually by TRYING stuff. If this makes life unworthy of you, then I guess you just have to choose not to live.

Originally Posted by aj215

I don't know maybe it will take something horrible happen to me to make me change my ways.

Quite probably.

Originally Posted by aj215

I'm willing to work ... I wish I could just find something I like that is worth pursuing.

This statement is self-contradictory. If you don't think anything is worth working at, then you're not willing to work.

Your ennui is a fig leaf over your laziness.

Have a nice life.

--Bob

[astra]

Cold, hard, simple fact - the only way you can get money without somebody else telling you what to do is to win the lottery. Even if you start your own business, you must answer to your clients.

I've supported myself since I was 17, my parents couldn't afford to look after me. I barely liked any of my jobs, but they bought in the money. The fact that you are able to work and don't because 'you don't like it' is quite simply disgusting to me. Get a job, any job. If you don't like it, look for a better job while you're working. Keep doing this if you have to. If you're not sure what you want to do, try temping - call an agency, set up a meeting to do a skills assessment and tell them you're willing to try anything. If you don't like it, you don't have to stay, but at least you got paid. Plus, temping generally pays more than a permanent job.

You say being dead broke is the worst feeling in the world - so that means you think it's worse than being told what to do all day. Isn't that motivation for you? If you want to be successful, you need to own up to your choices. Right now, it is your choice to be making no progress towards that success. It is your choice that you are not working towards the career that will eventually make you happy. Better to take a few steps in the wrong direction and find out you need to turn around, than stay stationary.

Yes, I realise that this sounds very harsh and abrupt, and probably mean etc, and I could have toned it down and softened it, but since you asked for 'someone to get through my thick skull', and being straightforward (or maybe tactless) is a particular talent of mine, I decided to serve it up straight!

[evrgrn3]

Go to this web page: Personal Values

After you have selected your 5 Core Values, respond to this message and I will help you to make a connection between these values and the direction in your life.

Once you live your Core Values, your life direction will become more apparent.

[annalees]

Sound like your typical young person, first of all if you want to get out from where you are you have to work! Or you can live with your parents forever and completly ruin that relationship. Your parents sound like they would support you at whatever if you could muster an honest effort. If you continue sitting around complaining that this is no good that is no good that is exaclty what you'll get - crap! If your friends sit around and bitch about how all is no good, lose the friends, change your attitude! You say you want to control your life then start taking control, but remember unless you work for yourself you will have to answer to someone else whether you like it or not. If you want to work for yourself then you need some kind of work ethic and it appears you have none. so again change your attitute, successful people didn't have it land in their lap they worked hard and quite often failed a number times before it happened for them. Find the people around you that are willing to support you and use them to help you but take a look in the mirror first and decide to give an honest effort and lose the negativity. If you want something bad enough you'll find away to do it. If you continually find excusses you will fail because hey its not your fault. Dont mean tobe so harsh, but whinning will get you where you are right now!

[m18pak]

Aj215, I'm going to try again because I think my first post was just too philosophical to be of any help. What I was basically trying to say was that you need to understand your situation better so that you start making your own choices.

I get the feeling that you are quite aimless and lost. I feel that you came here looking for clarity and direction, but the thing that you must realize is that nobody can give you that except for yourself. A lot of people here have indeed given you advice, but they have all done it subjectively. They have told you what to do, based on what they themselves would do were they in your position.

You have to realize that you need to make your own choices now. You seem like you have fallen in a state of apathetic non-being, where you just drift by. You don't know what you want, only what you don't want. You put off making choices for this reason, but what you don't seem to realize is that by not making a choice you are still making a choice.

All I'm trying to say to you is that you need to understand your situation better so that you gain some clarity, and maybe then you'll know enough to be able to make a choice and stick to it. Try being objective so that you can see your situation from a clearer perspective. Ask yourself some questions, like "why do I loathe the idea of taking orders so much", "what is it that I really want right now", "where do I want to be in ten years time", "why do I like what I like, and why do I dislike what I don't like" etc etc.

Only you can make this choice, because only you are living your life.

On

[oberlee]

Lots of good info here, so I'll be brief. You can make a living at ANYTHING if you're creative enough. Find out what you love to do--if you're not working, then what do you do all day that you enjoy? My favorite example is the handful of guys who obviously played World of Warcraft ALL DAY, and then turned that into a great business selling guides online.

So you can make a living out of anything, but you do have to be creative, flexible, determined in every way, and willing to fail.

And I agree with ellie that it's great you don't want to settle, but on the other hand it's really not a good thing to take without contributing. If you're living off your parents' money, you should at least be an uber-awesome housekeeper/handyman etc. so they know you care and don't feel taken advantage of. I mean, that would make me happier, if I were your mom.