Coming to a realisation (life purpose)

[Joely]

I apologise if this gets long and gooey. I'm just expressing a few thoughts that have come to me this evening as I write.

All my life, I've had this world in my head. I don't remember a time before it was there, and I certainly can't remember a time before it didn't have a major impact on my life. I've been writing for as long as I could hold a pen, and most of the time, I've written about that world. It's always been there, and I've been fighting with it.

At school, I was treated like a bit of a freak, I think. This imagination of mine is so incredibly huge that I often feel rather overwhelmed by it, and as a child I suffered from depression (I come from an abusive background too), which didn't help. I've had a very difficult relationship with what goes on in my head, from the eternal negative critic, trying to crush myself into the shape of what other people wanted me to be, and struggling to deal with this very insistent, persistent 'other place' in my mind. I've dreamed about it, when I'm running on the treadmill I lose myself in it completely. I can work 12 hours straight when I'm with it, when I'm really involved in it. I've got a degree, a PhD and I've done numerous jobs that require a high level of brain capacity but nothing uses it up like this.

It's called Amnar. For much of my life, I tried to push it out of the way. I was expected to do a degree, get a job and then live a normal life with a pension and family and all of that. Amnar got in the way, so I tried to crush it down, along with my dreams of being a writer and everything else I really wanted to do. I thought it was selfish and wrong of me to go after that, rather than doing the expected thing. Even doing a PhD was pretty much against the path laid out for me. Still, it's never really let me go.

Four years ago, at the behest of a friend, I began writing Amnar again. I let it completely take me over. I ended up having to balance it, a PhD thesis, and a full-time job for two long, painful but exciting years. I fought with my friends as I resisted getting it published, as they loved it. I still pushed it away, and I still fought with it. I think a lot of it carried over from being that freakish girl at school that nobody really understood, and I think it also intimidated both my parents that I could be so dedicated to it. By the end of last year, I had written twelve books, and I was being given the funds to write full time and prepare for the podcasts.

After reading one of Steve's articles about marketing from conscience, I suddenly realised that one of my issues with being a writer is how selfish I feel it is to go playing in Amnar, and expect other people to read it and enjoy it. I've often felt a little guilty asking people to read it, as though there's no way they'd enjoy it or get any benefit from it. My problem with putting it out there was that I felt it had no value to anybody other than me. I broached this with a few friends who reminded me that firstly, I've already gathered a number of things from it that may benefit others, and that secondly, I can't really tell how beneficial it is to the rest of the world.

The last three months have been hard work, as I've gone to work on myself to try to resolve all the issues from my past and present once and for all. One thing remains, though, above all. It came to me tonight, and I realised for the first time how much I dearly, dearly love Amnar. Some of us (i.e. my friends, agent etc), treat it almost as though it's an independent entity - sometimes called the leviathan. It's had a puzzling faith and persistence in me, even when I haven't.

I feel incredibly honoured that I've been given this gift. It's hard to explain it in words because people assume that it's like writing an article or is somehow organised and emotionless. Amnar isn't built or designed, it grows organically. It's tightly bound to my synaesthesia, I see what I'm writing, I'm emotionally involved with my characters and I adore or hate them as much as my readers do. I have never loved like I love this thing, whatever the hell it is, and I couldn't imagine life without it. I've been incredibly lucky that whatever forces are out there (universe, god, whatever) seems to have conspired to get it into the world despite my best efforts to keep it hidden.

In seven days, the first podcast is launched. I've been terrified, stressed out, bamboozled and discombobulated over it. Never have I released so much and so hard over anything in my life. It's like sharing my heart with the world, and I'm very scared and excited all at once. I hope, I really hope, that it is as beautiful to others as it is for me.

[Enlightenment]

I know exactly how you feel. I, too, was treated like a bit of a freak when I was a child. I'd have these unconventional ideas and so people would call me weird.... a lot. I suppose they were smart in a different way, such as being able to memorise large amounts of information that was generally useless except to the teachers teaching us.
My self esteem was nil and so I thought they were right.... that I was weird. However, now I realise that that sort of 'weird' is good.
I have written a screenplay (and am 2/3 through adapting it to a novel but with great difficulty, I might add) and it has consumed the last 5 years of my life. Dreaming, hoping, praying that this film will get made, if not for me but my children and for the memory of my grandparents who inspired me to write the story. It might take another 5 or 10 years of this toiling for me to finally produce this script, or it might take me 5 or 10 days. I don't know. But I do know that it is worth something because it isn't from me, per se, it is from God. I could have never thought of or compiled this story in such an organised and systematic manner because, frankly, I'm the most disorganised person on the planet and sometimes wonder if I suffer from ADD!
Anyway, I'd like to be able to support you in your endeavors and perhaps I could ask the same of you. Two writers mixed up in this crazy world of imagination and profit! How insane, but noble at the same time?!
Perhaps the last 5 years have been a warm up for the real thing. Perhaps I haven't been letting go enough to have it truly happen. However, when I watched that Canadian, and female no less, screenwriter accept HER academy award for best screenplay last night, I knew that this film is not far from reality. I just have to keep believing.

[JoeGoldfarb]

fancinating.

i used to do a lot of gaming and i frequently came across people who became pulled into the world and superimposed in onto reality.

who i respected and envied where those who wrote those books, who created those worlds. those are the interesting people.

take a look at fantasy series novels: a personal reality, written in a book.


look up "indigo children" look for artists that dress the same on myspace. there is a huge network there. surround yourself with others like yourself to reinforce your feelings and talents.

cheers!

[Joely]

Originally Posted by Enlightenment

I know exactly how you feel. I, too, was treated like a bit of a freak when I was a child. I'd have these unconventional ideas and so people would call me weird.... a lot. I suppose they were smart in a different way, such as being able to memorise large amounts of information that was generally useless except to the teachers teaching us.
My self esteem was nil and so I thought they were right.... that I was weird. However, now I realise that that sort of 'weird' is good.
I have written a screenplay (and am 2/3 through adapting it to a novel but with great difficulty, I might add) and it has consumed the last 5 years of my life. Dreaming, hoping, praying that this film will get made, if not for me but my children and for the memory of my grandparents who inspired me to write the story. It might take another 5 or 10 years of this toiling for me to finally produce this script, or it might take me 5 or 10 days. I don't know. But I do know that it is worth something because it isn't from me, per se, it is from God. I could have never thought of or compiled this story in such an organised and systematic manner because, frankly, I'm the most disorganised person on the planet and sometimes wonder if I suffer from ADD!
Anyway, I'd like to be able to support you in your endeavors and perhaps I could ask the same of you. Two writers mixed up in this crazy world of imagination and profit! How insane, but noble at the same time?!
Perhaps the last 5 years have been a warm up for the real thing. Perhaps I haven't been letting go enough to have it truly happen. However, when I watched that Canadian, and female no less, screenwriter accept HER academy award for best screenplay last night, I knew that this film is not far from reality. I just have to keep believing.

I'd love to. I'll PM you later with my email address.

[astra]

How beautiful! I wish I had another world like that to get lost in! You're so lucky! What a gift. I love reading fantasy novels etc. That's why Harry Potter, Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy etc are among my favourite books and movies - it's my form of escapism.

Occassionally I have wonderful dreams that I am another person in another place, and I forever wish I could get back to them. I still remember dreams like this I had years ago, and miss them terribly.

I don't think you're a freak - I envy you.

[Joely]

Originally Posted by astra

How beautiful! I wish I had another world like that to get lost in! You're so lucky! What a gift. I love reading fantasy novels etc. That's why Harry Potter, Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy etc are among my favourite books and movies - it's my form of escapism.

Occassionally I have wonderful dreams that I am another person in another place, and I forever wish I could get back to them. I still remember dreams like this I had years ago, and miss them terribly.

I don't think you're a freak - I envy you.

Thank you I personally wish I could go live in Amnar sometimes. Not to escape anything here but just to be able to really experience it with all senses and feel it's real. Mad, I know, but there you are!

[oberlee]

Have you read Erin's blog on Naptown? Your story reminded me of it.

And I must say, I'd love to read your book. Please let us know when it comes out!

[thirial]

intelligence and imagination is a double edged sword, when used effectively it is a force to be reckoned with but its so hard to learn how to do that

i had so many troubles with my overactive imagination when i was a teenager, the internal critique, always second guessing yourself, thinking ¨if this happens, then this might happen, if that happens, then what if this happens? because if that happens, this will happen!¨ and before you know it you are worrying about some ridiculous possibility far in the future

Amnar sounds fascinating, from what youve described it sounds a little like The Gormenghast Novels: Mervyn Peake which are the most creative work of literary art ever written. Would love to give it a read

[Holistic Star]

the Brontes had fantasy worlds - and the three sisters all went on to write classics.


"As children, Charlotte, Branwell, Emily, and Anne had one another and books as companions; in their isolation, they created an imaginary kingdom called Angria and filled notebooks describing its turbulent history and character. Around 1831, thirteen-year old Emily and eleven-year old Anne broke from the Angrian fantasies which Branwell and Charlotte had dominated to create the alternate history of Gondal. Emily maintained her interest in Gondal and continued to spin out the fantasy with pleasure till the end of her life. Nothing of the Gondal history remains except Emily's poems, the references in the journal fragments by Anne and Emily, the birthday papers of 1841 and 1845, and Anne's list of the names of characters and locations."



(quoted from Emily Bronte Overview)

Congratulations on creating your podcasts - let us know when they go live