I feel like a failure.

[konmai]

Hey guys. I'm not sure where to begin, but here goes. I was always a strong academic student all throughout my life. I got mostly A's, but now here's the kicker. I also thought I also kind of just 'got by' or 'got lucky' getting those grades. I do best on exams esp. on essay exams for some reason.

I was my HS's Natl. Honor Society President. During my freshman college year, I got all A's & 1 B. After that, I dropped out of that college (my parents got separated. It was a long time coming), & I switched to a community college back home. My grades were OK... about a 3.0. But then I'd work really hard & have all A's for my interim report, but at the end of semester, my grades would drop to a C. I started losing my momentum. Eventually, I felt like I couldn't do it anymore. I couldn't even get up to go to school every morning without an extreme sadness about it. I'd sleep a lot & watch movies to smother the feelings. I dropped out my senior year. I haven't done anything for 3-4 years now. It sucks when I was able to go to school and work everyday. My parents don't even know. I feel embarassed & just hopeless. I'm also about 20K in debt.

It doesn't just end with school. I used to get hit on a lot. Now I've just let myself go. Although I still get hit on, I'm not happy with what I did to my body.

A part of me feels like I put a lot of energy in my family life, when I shouldn't have put my energy. My actions correlated with how my family life was doing. When it got bad my college freshman year and downhill from there, I couldn't handle it. I know everyone has problems & no one has a perfect family. But I couldn't handle it & pretty much threw my life away. It was an obstacle, & I fell really bad. Sometimes I attempt to pick myself back up, & I haven't been able to pick myself up completely on this one.

My only feel good is that I volunteer.

I don't what to do. Where to start to improve myself.

Thanks guys for hearing me out.

[Parthon]

Imagine that 4 years being 10 years instead and you've just described my life perfectly.

The only thing that got me past where I was stuck was the sudden realisation that right now is right now, and no amount of belief or wishing could change the past. Worst still was that while I wanted to go back and change the past, that was keeping me stuck where I was, doing nothing and being noone. I even went back to college twice more, just to fail at 2 other Majors.

The steps I took were to accept my current life style: A dropout loser on welfare, then I projected what that would be like in 20 years, a 45 year old drop out loser on welfare and accepted that too. When I fully understood and realised my situation as it currently was, it opened up an opportunity. The opportunity was to, right now in the moment, direct my life towards where I wanted it to be. I saw that strangly enough it's not the big life changing events that turn my life into what it is, it's the small unnoticible ones between the gaps, and it's the ones in the gaps at each moment that I could improve.

In regards to my past, if I could have done something to change the outcome I would have, but given my mindset and circumstances, it would never have worked out. If it could have it would have. There's a kind of peace to this surrender to the past that leaves you witht he freedom to refocus your energy on the present in order to direct your life properly. From here it's doing the little steps from moment to moment. Incremental changes as well as the big leaps work together in order to improve yourself and your life bit by bit.

The result? I applied for and succeeded in getting a well payed full time job, and now I'm looking at moving into the career that I would have had I graduated, Computer Programming. I'm slowly losing all the weight I gained in college, and I'm even building up confidence and organisation skills that I didn't have at all ever before now. I believe that the past that you have live through only affects your future as much as you let it. The access to your power is always in the present anyways.

[jaamkie]

Originally Posted by konmai

Hey guys. I'm not sure where to begin, but here goes. I was always a strong academic student all throughout my life. I got mostly A's, but now here's the kicker. I also thought I also kind of just 'got by' or 'got lucky' getting those grades. I do best on exams esp. on essay exams for some reason.

I was my HS's Natl. Honor Society President. During my freshman college year, I got all A's & 1 B. After that, I dropped out of that college (my parents got separated. It was a long time coming), & I switched to a community college back home. My grades were OK... about a 3.0. But then I'd work really hard & have all A's for my interim report, but at the end of semester, my grades would drop to a C. I started losing my momentum. Eventually, I felt like I couldn't do it anymore. I couldn't even get up to go to school every morning without an extreme sadness about it. I'd sleep a lot & watch movies to smother the feelings. I dropped out my senior year. I haven't done anything for 3-4 years now. It sucks when I was able to go to school and work everyday. My parents don't even know. I feel embarassed & just hopeless. I'm also about 20K in debt.

It doesn't just end with school. I used to get hit on a lot. Now I've just let myself go. Although I still get hit on, I'm not happy with what I did to my body.

A part of me feels like I put a lot of energy in my family life, when I shouldn't have put my energy. My actions correlated with how my family life was doing. When it got bad my college freshman year and downhill from there, I couldn't handle it. I know everyone has problems & no one has a perfect family. But I couldn't handle it & pretty much threw my life away. It was an obstacle, & I fell really bad. Sometimes I attempt to pick myself back up, & I haven't been able to pick myself up completely on this one.

My only feel good is that I volunteer.

I don't what to do. Where to start to improve myself.

Thanks guys for hearing me out.

This describes me so so much as well, went thru college early, had a full scholarship, etc but felt empty and tired except when volunteering. The solution wasn't any one thing for me, it was sort of a lot of things together- I quit the scholarship because it added extra requirements to my life, I gave myself permission to just do good-enough in classes and instead to focus more on volunteering and on just getting outdoors walking a lot and exploring new places, I tried to spend more time with my family, I made extra effort to exercise, eat well, take vitamins, I didn't let myself waste too much time- if I was wasting time out of tiredness I would go take a nap or if I was feeling anxious I would go exercise, and I just sort of pushed myself through to graduate. Then I had a few months of basically doing nothing but a part-time job and not even looking for work- I found out I had mono which was probably part of the problem, and I eventually regained energy and motivation to go find a real job and move on with my life. Don't feel like a failure- these sort of moments are probably more valuable than the happy ones- you're figuring out what is important to you, what will really make you happy, and eventually you'll come out of this and be motivated to do something more purposeful with your life than most people who don't let themselves go through the unhappiness.

[konmai]

Parthon: This is interesting to me: "I saw that strangly enough it's not the big life changing events that turn my life into what it is, it's the small unnoticible ones between the gaps, and it's the ones in the gaps at each moment that I could improve." Would you be able to expand on this for me?

jaamkie: You mentioned exercising, when you get anxious. I think I'll try that out. I tend to feel a lot better, when I exercise. Exercising when I'm down or anxious didn't even occur to me to do!

Thanks guys. Your words and personal experiences mean a lot to me. I'll save this thread to read for when I'm feeling that down again.

[LawofAttractionHandbook]

Originally Posted by konmai

But I couldn't handle it & pretty much threw my life away. It was an obstacle, & I fell really bad. Sometimes I attempt to pick myself back up, & I haven't been able to pick myself up completely on this one.

My only feel good is that I volunteer.

I don't what to do. Where to start to improve myself.

Don't worry, you're not alone.

I grew up with terrible self esteem in high school. Several people made fun of me on a regular basis, so I taught myself to avoid people all together. And this only made me focus more on how much I hated myself and my life.

After I graduated HS, I spent my whole summer drinking and pretending to have fun with people weren't even my friends, but they seemed cool so I didn't care.

My life going nowhere but down the drain. I drank all the time, and had no goals. It eventually landed me in jail from driving drunk, going 55mph in a 35 zone, running red lights, then trying to outsmart the cops by fleeing down side streets.

I hit rock bottom. I owed thousands of dollars in fines, and felt like the biggest waste of life on the planet. This all happened when I was 18.

From the DUI I had to do community service. I did mine at a rehabilitation center. There I met a man with his left leg severed at his knee. He always greeted me with a big smile as I wheeled him back to his room. So I enjoyed picking him up, and wheeling him around the building. Despite his physical condition, he had a good attitude. Something I seriously lacked.

Later I found out the man endured past events that would bring anyone to their knees pleading to God. Before I say what, I just want to let everyone know that it's not pretty, & I had have unconditional respect and love for this man.

One of the people I worked with at the rehab center told me the man's story. He and his wife had just divorced and the wife gained custody of the daughter. The man loved his daughter very much, and wanted custody over her because the wife had problems I believe.

Well, he eventually gained custody over the daughter. The day he gained custody he went to pick her up. On the drive back home, their car was hit by a drunk driver who was speeding. Tragically, the daughter didn't survive.

Right now, as I'm writing this, I'm not sure if I should post it, but I'm going to because I want to help you.

When I heard this man's story, I wanted to cry. I felt so much sympathy for him. And even more because I decided to drive drunk. "What if I hit someone?" went through my mind. I felt horrible inside knowing that could have been me who hit someone.

This man had the strength to somehow look forward, despite what he went through. I can't imagine the pain he went through, but I give him all my love and prayer's.

Here is a man who lost everything, and still has the courage to keep going. I can't express my feelings toward this whole experience through this keyboard, but you can imagine.

His strength & optimism inspired me to start over. I've since turned my life around. I don't drink. I don't party. I spend my time reading personal development books and embracing a positive attitude.

Life is a gift. There are more reasons to live then there are to quit. You have plenty to live for. Dare to dream, set goals, and stay positive. We're all incredibly lucky to be here.

I hope this helps. Keep your head up.

[JOHNSHED]

Hey Konmai.
Your post minds me of experinces i have had..You mention your mother and father, your problems occured following the break down of there relationship.I would say...get to know your parents again . get to know them. You say "they dont even know" I think come clean with them...you will be suprised what you find.............................I would say that the very fact you wrote this blog shows you care enough,and want to make change for the best...
I wish you the happiest times.
js

[konmai]

Thank you for the story, LOAHandbook. It's very touching, & I'll definitely remember it. It'll help me keep my head up!

Hi johnshed. Yes. I've spent some time getting to know my parents more. I used to harbor a lot of anger towards them, but now it's just flickering just a little. I'm not sure if I'll ever talk to them about this, because I feel they have so much to contend to on their own. I feel like my revealing when I feel down sometimes would overwhelm them.

Thank you for all the well wishes everyone! I wish you all the best!

[Parthon]

Hey Konmai,

One of Steve's posts said it best, but I can't find it.

He said that while we remember the great events in our life that we think made us who we are, they really only take up less than 1% of our days. For each major event there's 100 unoticed days that lead up to the event, building up to it and fueling it to give it the big impact it had.

When 99% of our lives is made up by the nonevents, it makes that time the most important. It's all those little important bits of time that add up to your life, so it's those parts that are good to focus on and improve. The casual everyday is that moment.

As for improving it, it's just taking habits and putting them into your life, changing your mindset towards your life and other people and making minor but long term improvements. There's also becoming more aware, learning for the sake of learning and removing the fears and blocks on your life. Hundreds of good ways you can improve your life, but the access is within the everyday of life that normally goes unnoticed.

Did this clarify it?

[jonarmis]

Hi Konmai,

I am sorry you feel that way. Everything happens for a reason, so they say but, don't let the situation control you, instead take the reins and get your life back! Divert your attention to something meanigful and worthwhile, like volunteering like you have done. That's a smart move.

Keeping yourself busy will take your mind off the despair and hopelessness. Do something you like, mingle with friends, and be with people who are successful. That way you will be 'infected' with their cheerful disposition, perseverance and other positive traits.

I hope that helps.

JA

[Lindaelane]

Hello.

My life was somewhat similar to yours. The top SAT in my graduating class, and almost all As all through high school. In college, I just got tired, slept in, and went down to a 3.4 (mostly Bs). I did manage to graduate in 2 and one half years, which is likely what saved me, as I would not have lasted 4 years in college.

What I did not know what that I was clinically depressed.

Please talk to a doctor. You are describing the symptoms of depression. It does not always have to be treated with drugs (particularly the SSRIs so prominately featured in the news this week...they hurt me but older generation anti-depressents helped.)

Eventually, with help you can pull out of it. But you must ask for help. Your doctor can help you get started, and you should ask him how you can find a counselor that you can afford to see.

I know that this may be a challenge to you...but google "depression" and see if it does not sound like you have some of those symptoms. Just something to consider.

Oh...and as a practical matter I recommend that you cut up all credit cards and work. You can get a job doing something, check with a local employment agency. It is best to do this now. If you get keep going it will be impossible to pay them and your credit rating will be ruined. At least now, you still have your credidt rating.

[astra]

Hi,
Amazing how many people have the same story huh? Same as Lindaelane, I found out I had depression, but seasonal depression. Our semesters here start in March (Autumn) and August (Winter), so first semester i'd feel great, be going well, and about a month and a half in, brick wall. In August, I'd feel like I couldn't handle it, but by November I was wishing I'd started because I now felt great, and couldn't wait til March. I failed more subjects than I completed.

Once I was diagnosed, I was able to control the illness instead of the other way around. That was 2-3 years ago. Last year, I finished a Diploma at Uni, paid off all my debts, and scored an entry-level job in my chosen field. I'm now moving up into a higher position that pays more than my mother could even dream of, and am saving to buy a house. It was a struggle, but with the love and support of my fantastic partner (who I also met last year - big year) I made it to the end, or actually, the beginning of my new life.

So, I recommend going to see a doctor to find out if you have depression, and talk about ways to treat it (there's also some other good threads throughout the forum if you search). You're obviously very smart, which will make it a little easier for you to push through. As for where to start, the beginning is always a good place. What would you like your beginning to be?