I remembered something important today.

[Michelle]

Normally I don't like long posts, but today is different.

Ever since I was a little girl, I've wanted to make music. The instrument that chose me was the voice. I'm 29 now and the deep need and longing to sing has guided every step of my life for around 20 years.

As a teen I sang whenever I could - in choirs, solo and in lessons. At the age of 20 I was accepted to study with a master professor in the field of singing, and remained her student til October of 2007 - almost 8 years.

The summer of 2007 brought with it two of my most important professional engagements to date. Upon returning to Switzerland and school after those engagements, I found myself unable to sing. I was blocked. Something inside me rebelled and was so strong it wouldn't allow one note to escape from my throat. I found myself having to quit my studies just four months before my master's degree.

Since quitting school, I've been making a conscious effort to relax. I've laid around just watching TV. For the first time I could go out for a walk with no feeling of pressure, deadlines or performance anxiety. I let myself be supported and cared for by my understanding fiance. I did almost nothing I didn't want to do. I felt compelled to go raw with Steve (made it to day 11), planned a lovely housewarming party, went to a luxurious spa in the middle of the Alps, and did a lot of soul searching. I've pretty much enjoyed every moment of my laziness. It felt right even if I felt impatient and slightly guilty for it at times.

Most of all though, I've been waiting. Waiting to feel some direction within. Waiting to feel if quitting my studies meant quitting singing altogether and starting something new, or if it meant just regrouping. Lately I've recognized that while I do like (or even love) to sing, I have no idea why I should. Why should I do something at all when laying around in my cushy apartment, eating good food and being supported is so nice? Why should I subject myself to the suffering involved in being an introverted personality in the limelight? My boyfriend - who makes enough money for both of us - obviously likes having me around and my desire to contribute financially is far weaker than my desire to just be comfortable, pampered and safe.

Today, months after my decision to walk away from my Master's degree, my school and my dear professor, I got my answer.

It came rather unspectacularly, I'm afraid. I went out shopping this morning and came home around one this afternoon. I sat down on my couch and again rose the question in me "Why should I sing?". Why should I further put myself through the struggle and suffering it takes to feel and find truth in art? Why should I expose myself to criticism, misunderstanding, and envy? Why should I put myself out there in my most vulnerable form? What is in it for me? And why should I work toward something at all when it is so nice to just "be"?

And then the answer came to me: "because it nourishes my soul". Singing nourishes my soul.

I'm sure that answer seems rather stupid and obvious to many of you. But I cried for a good half an hour after remembering that. It wasn't just an intellectual realization - I became conscious of something. It is the pure, honest, true motivation I've been searching for.

In all my years of study, artistry and being a "good girl" to everyone around me, I forgot why I love to sing. In the end, I only felt I was doing it to impress, stay out of trouble, because I have a nice voice, because others expect me to. That is what rebelled in me. None of those reasons were enough for me anymore. In fact, they disgusted me. So I stopped singing, and today I got my reward for taking a time out: I remembered why I love to sing. I got my motivation back. I got my love back and it is beautiful.

I don't know yet what the fruit of that realization will be, but I am sure it will be delicious.

[{aspiring_to_clarity}]

Michelle, that is just wonderful. I am so happy for you that you were able to find the truth within yourself. Best wishes in however you decide to act this out!

[Michelle]

Thank you, clarity!

[Angela]

I'm so glad you've seen this for yourself. Sometimes what it takes to feel good isn't necessarily the easiest or most comfortable path!

I look forward to hearing you sing at the Hollywood Bowl.

[Fullcrum]

I sing too - this is an awesome story!

[Michelle]

Thanks, Angela! I found a sense of purpose! That really is cool.

[Trezker]

Nice! Now don't forget!

It kinda reminds me of my situation. I've been programming games for 10 years. It started as a hobby and I could spend all my time programming. But as time went by and lifes other responsibilities came knocking on the door I've been feeling less and less enthusiastic about programming.

I'm rarely connected with the feeling that comes with doing what you love any more. I allow too many distractions to drag my attention away from what I want to do. Right now I don't know if making games is a good life for me. And that's despite having no other interests at all.

[Michelle]

Thanks, Fullcrum! Do you sing professionally?

Hey Trezker, Believe me, this is the kind of thing you don't forget. Well, if you aren't sure if computer programming is for you, why don't you spend a period examining your motivation? You may find your way back to love, you may not, which willl in turn lead you to something new. All the best!

[BlueCrane]

I like that, Michelle : "because it nourishes my soul." That's why I write.

Isn't it tragic that we forget why we do the things we like? I think giving up the fight and struggle is key to reconnect.

Thanks for sharing your story.

[Adrian]

This post made me smile - it was really motivating. I second Angela, I look forward to hearing you sing one day as well!

[Michelle]

You are right, BlueCrane. I had to let go of the struggle, in fact even let my singing go in order to find it again in a different way. I sang for hours today for the first time in months. It felt so good. It felt right. And so much of the stress and pressure I had before is gone.

Thanks, Adrian. Perhaps one day I will give a concert just for forum members!

[Fullcrum]

I"m 16 - not pro and I don't really intend to. But it's fun stuff and people tell me I do really well. I personally do it because it's like a workout for the voice - and I'm a big fan of big voices.

It's a human potential thing to me. I might as well make my VOICE the strongest it can be, like my muscles, mind, and presence. This is related to my martial arts and our Ki-Ai. I imagine blasting through a wall with a freaking cannon. And it works.

[Erki]

Originally Posted by Fullcrum

It's a human potential thing to me. I might as well make my VOICE the strongest it can be, like my muscles, mind, and presence. This is related to my martial arts and our Ki-Ai. I imagine blasting through a wall with a freaking cannon. And it works.

YouTube - Best Of Zed, Police Academy

[BlueCrane]

I am so glad for you, Michelle - I know what it's like when things feel good and right, especially after they didn't for a while. When you find that spot in yourself again you are fully aware of what you had lost.

Enjoy your singing and pass both your joy and your singing on to others!

[theknightwhosaysni-NI]

Very nice post Michelle. This make me want to hear your singing

thanks for sharing this story

[Michelle]

Thank you BlueCrane! Thank you, knightwhosaysni!

The feeling has settled somewhat in the last days, and I am back to singing - at least for myself. It feels great.

[Joely]

That's just wonderful! I went through the same thing with my writing for a while, but it's great when you get back to what you truly love.

J x

[Michelle]

Hey Joely,

It is always nice to hear from someone who has been through a similar situation and come out the other end. Glad you found it back to your writing!