Whatever happened to compassion?

[dancer]

Why are people into PD so quick to dump people who are negative? It seems to pop up often here on the forums and I don't get it. Is compassion out these days?

Ditching others when they've hit a rough spot is not what I want to practise. If my energy is getting sucked, then it's my problem, so why should the negative person pay the price.

Negativity rares its face in most of us, at some time all other. Or am I totally wrong?

[Brutha]

Ditching others when they've hit a rough spot is not what I want to practise.

I don't thing that many people here would advocate that. If someone wants help offering that help I something that a lot of people here would do.
On the other hand hearing them out when they want to tell someone how bad their life is, is neither helping them to get a positive attitude nor helps me personally.

When someone has no desire to change there isn't much you can do to really help them and you have to accept that and move on or burn your own energy without helping anyone when that is the thing you want to do.

[Spiritual]

The moment people said they had enough of my negative whining was the moment I came out of my depression and started living again. Don't be so easy to judge in what way "help" should be offered.

[dancer]

Guess I'm an optimist and believe that they will eventually break out of their funk or learn to take charge/responsibility of their lives.

I spent a lot of time with someone who is very negative, last summer. I let her vent, but always asked her questions leading to another perspective. Most days, I felt her energy lighten. Yes, I heard some of her stories repeatedly, but she also told me things that happened, which she has never spoken about. It was good for her to vent and set goals to turn her life around. Is she still negative? Yes, but now when I speak with her on the phone, she tells me steps she has taken and is more hopeful.

Active listening can help, but I agree letting them go on and on and buying into it does not help much.

[Old Soul]

Negativity rares its face in most of us, at some time all other

yes! this is true!!

I have never or would I ever turn my back on anyone who is aware of their negativity and wants to change it,

Just like I will not invest in negative destructive attitudes and conversation, as it does the person who is liivng this way ... no good, and it does the person investing in it no good either.... doesn't mean I do not care , it just means caring in this way is healthier for everyone

[dancer]

Spiritual, your post gave me something to think about. Thanks. May I ask, did your friends still ditch you or did they stick around after giving you the wakeup call?

I guess I'm prepared to play hardball, but not sure I could ditch someone who was in emotional pain. I know their life is their own responsibility, but I sure am grateful for people who helped me through stuff. Lucky for me, I don't have so many negative people in my life.

[Spiritual]

Dancer, it's not about playing hardball or being firm. It's about setting boundaries for yourself. It has nothing to do with them, but everything with you.

Those folks who told me to stop bitching, didn't "ditch" me, they gave me a choice. Or I could stop whining and start doing something about it, or I could continue bitching and moaning and playing the victim and lose the contact with them.

Well ofcourse when I was given this choice I felt offended. Poor me, the whole world is against me and now my dear ones are against me aswell! But I also knew these were the kindest persons and that it really ment something that they were fed up.
So I made the biggest decision of my life... I chose to be happy, which until this day (been 4 years now) I still am.

But after I became happy I also started to attract people who weren't happy. And I listened to them, I gave them my advice, etc etc. With some I even did it for months every day. But nothing changed..... So then I chose for myself again. I just said "hey, it's been enough now, I gotta move on with my life. All the best!". And I meant it, I truly wished them the best.

And like 80% of those folks are doing the same **** after 2-3-4 years. If you think about it, it's just ridiculous. Why would you have to put a major part of your time in someone who is bitching about life and not acting to change it?
We are putting up to much with people's complaints and problems. And everytime we go along with their drama story, they feel more and more comfortable.

I'm not sure whether you ever been in the victim role. But it's LOVELY, oh boy it feels all warm and snuggly and it's just great. Even now I just feel the tendency inside me to play the victim. Once you've been there, it's very easy to fall back into. And so many people do it! It's just amazing.
But I like to be leading my own life now, and not needing anyone else for my happiness, it's truly empowering.

But I'm rambling again.... If you like to help others Dancer, that's fine, it really is. But do it because you like to do it, don't do it because of some kind of "must". "We must be good for our fellow beings", "we must give to the poor", "we must etc etc". It's not important!

If you get to meet someone who is in trouble and you'd like to help, do it. And then after a while you get bored of having the pep-talks all the time, just move on. You aren't helping people by affirming their pitiful stories and you aren't helping yourself either.

After I tried to help quite some people, I just got tired of it. Most of the time it didn't make a difference, and I just kept wasting my time on negative situations. Why would I feel bad or not feel "up" because of someone else's moaning? After that I also found out that we really can't help anyone emotionally. Someone can only use us as a reason to help themselves.

But a lot of people don't want to admit this. They are proud to be able to say they help others. But it's an illusion, you never helped anyone emotionally. For me this was really freeing, I didn't feel the obligation to serve others anymore. I did it when it felt good to do so, but otherwise I would just move on.

You'll have to figure out for yourself with these "problem people". Are they really doing things to improve their feelings, and are they not just talking about doing it? Do you sense that they are feeling better every time you talk? If they do not improve after a certain time I would say, tell them it's been enough, see how they respond and move on.

And you'll see.... most of the times when you "ditch" these folks... all of the sudden they become ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥. Going like "I thought you were different, I thought you cared! You drop me like the rest!". All these acts of just trying to pull you back into their own **** again.

It's not worth it!

[dancer]

I'm sure glad I posted about this. You have given me much to think about and admit I feel some resistance, but at the same time understand your point.

I'm coming out of the victim role and it is a struggle because it still gets a hold of me, sometimes. The good news is that once I'm aware of it, it draws back. So, please do not feel sorry for me.

I'm not sure I found it lovely, but it became a habit, even a crutch. It was so much easier to blame life and sometime others than see my own responsibility. Sometimes life deals us tuff stuff, but that is not the point, it is how we deal with it that matters.

I'm grateful to you all for what I feel is a valuable lesson and apologise for misjudging peoples intentions. Thank you.

[Spiritual]

The problem is when we are feeling emotional and feeling bad. Is that we think this "****" is only happening to us. But it's not, it's happening to everything. It's nothing personal, it just is the way it is.

Recognizing and being honest about the fact that you are in the victim role is the way out. So you're doing great already . Just focus on being happy, it's a conscious choice, it really is.
You don't have to feel great or high to be happy. You can feel terrible and still be happy! I often feel like ****, but I'm not unhappy though.

Good luck, and if you have any other issues or "resistance" just bring them to the table!

[The David]

Being outwardly negative is a choice. Dealing with that negativity is also a choice, and a much healthier alternative. I would only ditch someone who was trying to leech off of my energy.

[Jennihul]

People can be life-sucking vampires. Just choose to not be one. It's as simple as that.

At my absolute worst in my past, when times were horrendous and life seemed destined to bring me nothing but woe, I never tried to suck another person's energy. If I was depressed, I went to the cave. If I couldn't go to the cave, I honored my friends and family by not contaminating them with my issues. ANYONE can fake a good time long enough to get through a social event or a holiday. Life should be about joy, giving, love and happiness and if you empty yourself of these things by the poor choices you make, or by your poor responses to what life lessons come your way, you have only yourself to blame and should only expect yourself to be there for you.

Others have absolutely no responsibility to help you, lift you, commisserate with you, talk it out with you. If you find someone willing to, great. Just don't abuse the gift. Unless you are paying for their services.

Expecting compassion in general in the world is a sweet pipe dream but does happen, pleasantly often. Expecting compassion when you have nothing to give in return is thievery.

Some may say that my viewpoint is cold. But everyone is a warrior deep inside. Some just forget and start acting like mushballs, whiners and needy
sludge.

So as a person who is now beyond depression, I mean beyond the need to ever choose to feel that bad again, indulgently...because that's what depression is...an indulgence, I simply make choices that will ensure my life never goes in that direction again.

I am talking about choosing my joy. It's not that life will never throw me curve balls again. Last year was one of the most dramatic and what any sane person would easily define as the "worst" year of my life but I surfed the wave of crap that came my way, waved at the other joy surfers and smiled and dealt with each challenge as a warrior would cast away an arrow with a shield.

Asking 'whatever happened to compassion' sounds a lot like "why am I not able to suck energy from as many people as I used to?" I don't think anyone would ditch a friend or family member if they hit a rough spot. What self-development teaches you is that when that happens to someone, you yourself should not end up feeling sucked when you try to help them. If you do, you have met an energy vampire. Get out quick.

Self-development also teaches you to recognize when that person's "rough spot" has turned into a lifestyle for them and how fast and how far to run from them and where to find the best, most rewarding, fun hiding spots while they move on to their next victim.

Jennifer

[dancer]

Originally Posted by Spiritual

Good luck, and if you have any other issues or "resistance" just bring them to the table!

My main resistance, unless I am deceiving myself, is that I hold the belief not to judge another unless I have walked a mile in their shoes. My belief is onesided, as when I first posted here I had judged ditching people as a negative behaviour. So, my belief does not hold true to everyone I experience and obviously I am not past judging. I also like to find the good in others, even if it is hidden.

So, I have re-evaluated my initial judgement and feel richer because you gave me an opportunity to walk in your shoes and I have learnt from it.

[dancer]

Jennihul, thanks for your take. You have strengthened my armour against evolving into a life-sucking vampire. Like you, I'm a cavedweller, but this, too, affects others. I know I have hurt people when I have withdrawn to my miseries.

Congrats on choosing to be a person who is beyond depression. I like that.

Originally Posted by Jennihul

Self-development also teaches you to recognize when that person's "rough spot" has turned into a lifestyle for them and how fast and how far to run from them and where to find the best, most rewarding, fun hiding spots while they move on to their next victim. Jennifer

Here, I meet resistance, as I believe we choose to be victims out of ignorance. Some of us eventually realise this and take action to get out of it. But, what if you do not know it is possible? Running from people because you do not want to get sucked is an option, as I've learnt. Tolle hit rock bottom and went onto write a book that many have read or are reading to learn from his experience of getting & staying out of a self-made hell hole. If we recognise that someone is in that place, is it not more helpful to point it out to them and let them decide their next choice instead of running like hell away from them?

[eblight]

Change offers freedom but change also brings with it immense challenges. Sometimes people don't really want to change. They want sympathy but they don't really want to do work on themselves so that they feel better about themselves, others and life. Now when someone moans and groans about how miserable they are I listen carefully and then I ask them one question: "What are you going to do about it?"

[Spiritual]

Originally Posted by eblight

Change offers freedom but change also brings with it immense challenges. Sometimes people don't really want to change. They want sympathy but they don't really want to do work on themselves so that they feel better about themselves, others and life. Now when someone moans and groans about how miserable they are I listen carefully and then I ask them one question: "What are you going to do about it?"

Oh really good eblight! I'm gonna remember that one. What I also like to ask is "How would you want the situation to be?". Gives them a focus on a goal.

[dancer]

Originally Posted by eblight

Change offers freedom but change also brings with it immense challenges. Sometimes people don't really want to change. They want sympathy but they don't really want to do work on themselves so that they feel better about themselves, others and life. Now when someone moans and groans about how miserable they are I listen carefully and then I ask them one question: "What are you going to do about it?"

Really great question as they then have to take responsibility instead of continuing the blaming game.

[Brutha]

If we recognise that someone is in that place, is it not more helpful to point it out to them and let them decide their next choice instead of running like hell away from them?

I think most would try to point it out first. On the other hand people like that don't want to hear that they have take responsibilty for their lifes.

[Jennihul]

The "what are you going to do about it" is garlic AND a silver bullet to the energy vampire. They know you mean business and don't intend to get sucked and THEY often leave you, as opposed to you having to leave them.

Jennifer

[Kaybee]

Dancer,

For the longest time I had a friend who was very negative. However, she had lost all of her immediate family to death and didn't have much of a social life or many friends. For a while, I really wanted to help and be there for her. However, I found myself being pulled into her negativity until it got to the point where I had to make a choice.

I chose to discontinue the friendship and move on. I'm much happier now and I pray that she has found happiness as well. I sincerely try to be the optimist and help others. However, I have learned that you can't do it at the detriment of your own self.

Kim

personal growth and inspiration

[Tobias Zimpel]

Originally Posted by dancer

Why are people into PD so quick to dump people who are negative? It seems to pop up often here on the forums and I don't get it. Is compassion out these days?

Ditching others when they've hit a rough spot is not what I want to practise. If my energy is getting sucked, then it's my problem, so why should the negative person pay the price.

Negativity rares its face in most of us, at some time all other. Or am I totally wrong?

Dancer, I can understand your feelings. But: No, compassion is not out - it has never been more alive than today.

I am the first to offer help where it is needed, but always with the intention to change a situation for the better in some way. If the other person genuinely wants to change, then I will do whatever I can to support her. But if her intention is just about whining and having me say to her what a poor victim she is, then I'm away.

I'm here to help people living their dream life, but I can only do so with people who want that kind of help.

[dancer]

Thank you everyone. This has been a great learning experience and I am grateful for your input.

[Dusty]

Originally Posted by dancer

Why are people into PD so quick to dump people who are negative? It seems to pop up often here on the forums and I don't get it. Is compassion out these days?

Ditching others when they've hit a rough spot is not what I want to practise. If my energy is getting sucked, then it's my problem, so why should the negative person pay the price.

Negativity rares its face in most of us, at some time all other. Or am I totally wrong?

If someone is playing the poor-me card and blaming things outside themselves for their unhappiness after repeatedly been guided to material that would lead them to discover that it is they who are creating all of the turmoil, then they're gone. They love to be a a energy vampire. I accept them fully as they are... out of my attention.

If someone gets canned when they are truly making an effort, but they're just in a ditch at the moment, it's most likely because the person banning them sees part of them self in the negative person. The canner isn't ready to take an honest look at this part of themselves that they haven't accepted yet, so they can the canee.

[Terumoto]

I kind of agree with you, dancer. Like when someone comes along and says "I have a friend who isn't supportive of a decision I made, and I feel belittled when talking to them about the issue," then all of a sudden the entire forum comes along and says "well, you need to cut that toxic, poisonous relationship out of your life and skip the country and get a new job and cease all communications with that person, because you DESERVE positive relationships..."

I guess that was a bit of an exaggeration, but that's what it's like. If somebody, anybody, is affecting you negatively, I don't think it's that person's problem, I think it's the problem of the person being affected...

[Angela]

Originally Posted by Jennihul

So as a person who is now beyond depression, I mean beyond the need to ever choose to feel that bad again, indulgently...because that's what depression is...an indulgence

Depression is an indulgence?!?! Surely you mean, "habitually thinking and expressing negative thoughts," not depression, right?

Fortunately for would-be suckees, people with depression often don't have the energy to go around complaining.

[dancer]

'Depression is an indulgence' doesn't sit well with me. I feel that it can be a result of not knowing how to deal with negative emotions and not being responsible for them. More importantly, not everyone knows that they hold the key within to be happy. Some people figure this out for themselves, but others might need a friend, even a stranger to tell them.

Others have wonderful parents like Erin who is teaching her children about getting back to love and I'm sure she is teaching them responsibility for their emotions.

[Joely]

I can understand your perspective. I've had depression and I know people with depression and it's not indulgence - most of the time it's beating yourself up for not being able to cope with things you assume you should. The cycle of depression is often based on "I feel sad but I must be positive!" and beating yourself up because you don't feel it. Because I've worked with people who have depression, I always start by saying "it's okay to feel the way you're feeling." That sudden validation often breaks you out of it, because you allow yourself to feel the sadness or unhappiness that's been begging to be felt. When I get depressed or feel really bad, I go back to basics and allow myself to feel what I'm feeling rather than beat myself up for it. I find that this works far better than forcing myself to be positive ever did. The "negative" feeling is just released as you let go of it. One of the main reasons we get into a negative rut is because we hold on to the feelings we're getting.

There are people (and I've met one) who turn being depressed into a lifestyle and think it makes them a better person. I've discovered all I can do is walk away. However, I think that kind of person is few and far between - the majority of people I've known who suffer from depression spend most of their time beating themselves up for it and wish they didn't. And many of the most outgoing, loving, caring, extroverted people in my social circle have depression. Sometimes it comes as a shock to me that they even suffer with it - but when we talk about it, they're keen to hear how I recovered from it, and how I deal with negativity when it crops up. In my experience, very, very few people with depression actually want to be depressed. They just feel trapped. The trick is to gently encourage them to see that they aren't.

[Amandaaa]

Why are people into PD so quick to dump people who are negative?

^I can only speak for myself, but I am definitely not quick to dump people who are negative. I'm veryyyyy, very patient. and I never turn my back on people... because (like you), I believe that everyone has the potential to "awaken" and turn their life around.

...The only reason that I would distance myself from a negative person is if it was starting to affect my own mentality. A lot of negative people are extreme energy vampires... and being in their presence for too long can drag me down. I like to surround myself with people that I can learn from-- people who can lift me up and inspire me. I love to help people who are struggling, too... but after a while, it gets frustrating listening to that same old repetitive woe-is-me sap story.

But like I said, I never give up on people. It usually takes at least a few years for me to start getting "frustrated" with someone. I usually stick around to see if my presence and my support has any effect on their overall mentality. It's like an experiment. ...and it all pays off when you see a negative/depressed person start talking from an entirely different perspective...