How do I begin?

[Bobindy1]

My First question is: How do I bridge the gap between what I want and how it relates to my values? I'm talking about pretty basic stuff here...

For example:

I love a clean, neat, organised environment. I mean I feel and function so much better when my desk, or my home, or my car is neat and tidy. However, I rarely have the desire to clean, therefore I have plenty of clutter in all these places most of the time. I keep getting the idea from Steve's website that instead of simply setting goals, I need to identify what I really value and the goals will sort of fall into place? As you can see, here is my dilema, I don't think I quite get it.

I really DO value a tidy environment - but I don't create a tidy environment. How do I make the leap to actually DOING what I prefer?

other examples:
I VALUE a close loving intimate marriage.. but my marriage right now is somehting far below that.

I VALUE leisure time.. time to read, meditate, take a bath, etc.. but I never have time for leisure beyond "stealing" 10 minutes here and there.

I am currently trying to figure out what my Life Purpose is and I figure all this somehow ties in with that.

I'd appreciate some "baby steps" advise to help me live my values in the meantime.

Thanks - this is my first post.

[Tobias Zimpel]

Originally Posted by Bobindy1

I love a clean, neat, organised environment. I mean I feel and function so much better when my desk, or my home, or my car is neat and tidy. However, I rarely have the desire to clean, therefore I have plenty of clutter in all these places most of the time.

I understand your problem here as well as in the other areas that you mention.

What I came to understand is that it is not the big things that really make a difference. It is the little things when done consistently that really do the trick.

So you don't have to put in a huge amount of time or effort into anything you mention here. Go slow, and do some little things recurrently until you have habitualized them, and then go from there.

A few weeks ago, I have written a blog post on exactly that topic that I am sure you will enjoy: How To Effectively Handle Recurring Tasks | TobiasZimpel.com

If you have further questions please feel free to reply either here or directly on my blog, and I will be glad to help you further.

[ixmatus]

Sometimes I used to be like that too; what worked for me was really quite simple, I just started doing it. Once I got doing it, it became enjoyable, I ensure to tell myself EVERYTIME I take a piece of clothing off that it must go back to its proper place, same with shoes, books, etc...

Doing short imaginative sessions where I would (in the first person) be picking up my bedroom or doing something I enjoy in my very neat and clean bedroom helped enormously, if you can feel it, then you are there already - after a few of those and was no problem for me.

[Tim Brownson]

We all carry dozens of values round with us and understanding what your own are and their structure can be very helpful. I'd suggest that although you may value a tidy environment that you may not value it as highly as maybe the ability to chill or do what you want. Also we have away from values too that stop us doing things and it could be that you have an away from value in direct conflict with the vlaue to be tidy. Towards value of tidyness, away from value of cleaning and you have a problem that usually ends in inertia.

I spend more time looking at values with clients than any other single issue and in 3+ years of doing this I have NEVER had a client that had a clue what their values were. I doubt that a tidy work area is a value very high on your list, it could be, but quite frankly I would be amazed, because if it were you'd do it. I think it's way more likely that you just like a clean area to work in.

Ask yourself this. What does having a work area like that give you? Then when you get an answer ask the same question again, and again until you can go no further. THAT is the real value.

Words that frequently come up as top values are: Love, peace, freedom, integrity, family, health, connection, growth, significance etc

One other thing. You weren't born lazy, you learned lazy, but I'm sure you knew that anyway, right?

[Alison Jenkins]

Just reading the list of all the things you want to change seems very overwhelming to me. If you break it down into small manageable chunks you are much more likely to succeed.

So if you want a tidy work area, then if it was me I would commit 10 mins per day to sorting stuff out. Within a few days or weeks (depending upon how bad it is) then you will be working from a tidy area. I also have strategies my Dad taught me about keeping things tidy, like always put things away rather than putting it on a surface, it takes a couple of seconds longer but makes so much difference

Once you have achieved that goal, then you can take another baby step forward and so on

Alison

[teatree]

Break it down into lots and lots of small steps. For instance with the tidying thing - just try tidying one room to start with and then aim to maintain it in a state of tidiness. Once you've proved to yourself that actually it's easy to keep a room tidy once you've got it that way, then start on another room, and so on.

The trouble is we tend to overwhelm ourselves with huge goals that we want to achieve in a short period of time, which is impossible, and because it's impossible to do it in large chunks, we give up.

[Angela]

The things you've listed are things you'd like to get and have: tidy environment, close loving relationship, abundant leisure time.

In my experience, the best place to start is not getting and having; it's being. What would you be being if you had a tidy environment, close loving relationship, and abundant leisure time? As Tim Brownson was saying (my interpretation, anyway -- sorry if I'm misspeaking, Tim!), why not look underneath what you want to have, and see what you want to Be (the "big stuff").

For example, out of "having a tidy environment" inspired action isn't arising, is it? You are not inspired to act in the face of that value, just to bemoan, right? Maybe to wish it wasn't so, or to wish you had a cleaning person or professional organizer. Wishing isn't inspired action, though. You'll know you've distinguished a way of being that will make a difference when inspired action arises for you. What have you been being? Lazy, for one thing. You identify with being lazy -- you think that's who you are. But all it is is something you've been wearing. What brand new way of being would inspire you? (For me, it's being Free: being a Freer of Flow -- I'm far more inspired to free up flow in my environment, to free up pathways for energy to flow, to freely generate connection and movement, than I am to "clean my apartment" - yuck. It might accomplish the same thing, but it's an entirely different action, born out of the inspiration of a deeper desire.) What would inspire you? What are you willing to let go of that you've been holding onto?

As for the leisure thing, the desires you listed -- reading, meditating, having a bath -- those all fall under the category of taking care of yourself. For you to have to "steal" time to take care of yourself means that you are putting the well-being of others above your own well-being. You are not only robbing yourself, you are also infringing upon on the responsibility of others -- it's their responsibility to take care of themselves, not yours. Even if you have small children, it is essential to them that you maintain your well-being. Be a stronger, more effective caretaker, and be an inspiring role model as well -- make your own well-being a priority.

And welcome to the forums!

Lots of love,
Angela

[Bobindy1]

Originally Posted by Bobindy1

\I am currently trying to figure out what my Life Purpose is and I figure all this somehow ties in with that.

I'd appreciate some "baby steps" advise to help me live my values in the meantime.

Thanks - this is my first post.

Yes! That is what I was trying to get at! I would like to know where to start so that I can
A) figure out my life's purpose
B) determine my values
C) live accordingly

this is what I need baby step help with..

my examples were merely symptoms I suspect of missing the big stuff.

By "Basic stuff" I meant foundation stuff not "little stuff"

[Bobindy1]

Originally Posted by Angela

The things you've listed are things you'd like to get and have: tidy environment, close loving relationship, abundant leisure time.

In my experience, the best place to start is not getting and having; it's being. What would you be being if you had a tidy environment, close loving relationship, and abundant leisure time? As Tim Brownson was saying (my interpretation, anyway -- sorry if I'm misspeaking, Tim!), why not look underneath what you want to have, and see what you want to Be (the "big stuff").

THIS is what I MEANT to quote.. but my own quote was the essence of my original post.

Thank you Angela - and now what?

[odiaseo]

I believe human beings are first emotional beings before anything else. We are driven by our inner being where our strength lies.

From the list of things you desire to achieve, I would identify your marriage as the probably starting point. If you can achieve love, peace and harmony in your marriage you would be motivated to accomplish other things. Love is a potent and powerful force.

I'll say start on you marriage. You haven't said anything about the problem in your marriage so I can not make any particulr suggestions.

[Tobias Zimpel]

Originally Posted by Bobindy1

Yes! That is what I was trying to get at! I would like to know where to start so that I can
A) figure out my life's purpose
B) determine my values
C) live accordingly

this is what I need baby step help with..

my examples were merely symptoms I suspect of missing the big stuff.

By "Basic stuff" I meant foundation stuff not "little stuff"

In my understanding, you always live accordingly to your values. If you have conflicting values, your results will reflect these conflicts.

And if your values are not in alignment with what you suppose to be your life's purpose, then your results will not be in alignment with your values.

[Angela]

Originally Posted by Bobindy1

... and now what?

Take a bold look. Pick one area that you'd like to have a breakthrough in -- tidy environment or close loving marriage or leisure time. (or any other of what you call the "symptoms.")

Now, if you had that, what would you really have? And if you had that, then what would you have? You're looking for the *way of being* underneath your apparent or symptomatic desires. What would you be being if you had that desire present in your life?

By "way of being" I'm talking about a condition you'd like to have present for yourself, rather than a goal or aim.

Start with any area, it doesn't matter which, and find a way of being, a quality or condition that if it were present, it would make a difference and inspire you. You don't have to commit to that way of being; you're just speculating.

Then, take a look and see if that way of being would also make a difference in the other "symptoms", too.

What comes up for you?

[Bobindy1]

Wow.
Angela, thank you. Between you and Tim Brownson I think some of this concept is starting to sink in... It is however, breathtaking!!! I will probably go back and read each of your posts several times again, and try out this process of getting to the what I want to be being, so to speak. And you're right I'll probably have to go through it many times before I truly GET IT. I expect this is the sort of exercise that has some very clear and definite aHa! moments. I will probably post more on this topic as I start this process and use you all as a sounding board, if that's OK!

Thanks to everyone for your thoughtful and thought provoking replies!!!

[DayInTheLife]

Originally Posted by Bobindy1

I really DO value a tidy environment - but I don't create a tidy environment. How do I make the leap to actually DOING what I prefer?

I am just like you; I value organization and cleanliness, but I haven't done a good job of being organized or tidy.

I think it boils down to habits. You are just not in the habit of being tidy. Form a new habit. Do the 30-day thing.

I am on day 4 of a new habit: every evening at 9:30pm I:

-Do the remaining dishes in the sink
-Pick up and put away everything off the floor, kitchen table, kitchen counters and coffee table

That's it! And it's made a huge difference already to my apartment and my mindset.

It is already becoming a comforting ritual, and now my apartment is always presentable. You'll have to adjust it to account for contingencies (for example I do this before I go out if I won't be home at 9:30pm) but it really just takes a little planning and a little initiative to get into a habit that better reflects your values.

As for why your actions don't appear to reflect your values... I think they do. Someone else touched on this. You have values you don't know you have, and they can conflict with others.

Others have explained that point better so I won't elaborate here.