Selfless darkworker or selfish lightworker?

[Ninja]

I've been pondering about this question for months. Somehow I've always known I was a darkworker, I just didn't know "it" actually had a name until I read some of Steve's posts about the subject. When making a decision, I couldn't care less what other people think of me. I have a "screw 'em" attitude about life like that. Well... not always, but when I was about 12 years old, the class bully decided I would make a nice target. I've been picked on for years, shut out, criticized and whatever I did, no one would like me. When I was 15 though, I met two other "outcasts" that accepted me for who I was. They didn't care about my glasses, my boring hairdo or that I didn't wear the latests fashions. I finally made a decision: if I don't like everyone, why should everyone like me? This attitude grew with the years. Why should I have children? Why should I pay taxes? Why should I die to save loved ones? Don't I deserve to spend all my time and recourses to improve my own life? I earned them, didn't I?
yet, now that I have mellowed out a bit, I'm not so sure if I'm truly a darkworker.

I will absolutely NOT have children! My original motives were selfish (though not wrong): time for my hobbies, quiet, money, freedom, the usual. But my current motives are much more important to me, yet very selfless: overpopulation (if everyone lived like we do in Europe, we'd need 2.5 planets!), time I could spend doing volunteer work in Afrika or something like that, money that could be put to better use, like buying food for the local animal shelter, saving a soul from the horror of being reborn. Don't get me wrong, I'm quite happy at the moment and don't mind spending another 50-60 years or so in this body, but boy am I homesick!

I hate it when the government takes my money to pay for more bureaucracy and whishywashy "programs" for those too lazy to find a job! But if I didn't have to pay taxes, I wouldn't mind helping out those who really can't work.

I would never catch a bullet for my parents, but it took me a while to realize that I won't refuse to make such a sacrifice because I want to live, but because I know they'd rather die ten times than lose me. I can't do such a horrible thing to them, I love them too much.

So, what does this make me? A selfless darkworker or a selfish lightworker? is such a thing even possible?

[Kingston]

Allways nice to see others think about the same things, I'm even surprised that not ten times more people are discussing this kind of thing.

I pretty sure there is no such thing as a selfless darkworker or its opposite. Your confusion simply means you have not polarized that far, and are mixing energies. This is the whole problem, wanting to figure it out fast. But better take time and observe.

I had the same thing, have been 'dark' my whole life, but I found out that that is insufficient info to decide on. As I say elsewhere, I now on a lightworker trial to learn to use love energy.

It sounds like you want to find out what it is like. It is easier to let go of your darkworker identity (which you have invested in), when you see that you can allways come back to it if you don't like it on the light side... But I warn you.. it is addictive!

[Ninja]

But you have to admit: the term "darkworker" sounds way cooler

Maybe I'll be an anti-hero, or a rogue in one of those sexy leather catsuits

[Kingston]

Yes, way cooler .....

It not only sounds cooler. My Fear energy expressed itself as a unique coolness, attracting attention like a magnet. As I a would poralize with fear more and more, I would become a sight to behold, just like you, I suspect!

But I found from my own experience that coolness can never be the ultimate objective of my life. It is too small for that...

[Spiritual]

Fellow dutchie here (we should hook up sometime)

My story is similar to yours, although I had a longer bullying experience. I for a long time had no interest in getting kids whatsoever, mostly the limitation of my freedom (which I value so dearly). But now after I've seen some kids it just seems really cool to have little offsprings of myself. I still have the freedom issue, which is just something you have to work with. Parents who take children and then expect the children to just adjust to whatever the parents want deserve a neckshot if you ask me. (You might think im kidding, but I'm not this time ).
But in general, taking kids is ALWAYS a selfish choice of the parents. Parents who tell themselves they got children for the children's sake are just living in an illusion and don't take their responsibility serious.

I don't like the categorizing Steve does, it's a step backward in my opinion to start putting people in boxes again. For me, part of my PD and self discovery is admiring the duality I have within me. I am not just black or just white. I can't even say there is something really the strongest in me, mostly internal I have a dualistic nature and I feel both sides at the same time.
Maybe this is different for others, maybe it's not, I don't know.

About lightworking and darkworking. Let's be honest with each other. Every deed someone does, is a selfish deed. Lightworking is in that sense an illusion, it's just an different expression of selfish deeds. Just as darworking is.

For example: someone gives money to a homeless person. You would say it's selfless right? WRONG! You are giving the money because it makes you feel good (or whatever reason you have hidden underneath), thus you have an interest in it, thus it is a selfish deed.

The only difference being made right now is, what is accepted by society as selfless and what as selfish. Slapping someone in the face is bad, giving someone money is good. Even though both of the actions have as underlying reason to make the slapper/giver feel good, they are still valued differently.

You have some black and white ideas going on right there, which is fine. I can find myself in that as we both live in the same country. But deep inside we both know it's not that black and white, it's grey, which is the same for everything in life.

So my question is, why do you want to put yourself in a box? I understand the desire of our ego to be categorized, being special even, but it's not reality.