Confidence/Leadership: help me out here

[CoolStuff]

I used to be a confident leader of the pack. I had a whole pack and we would just hang out. I even just commanded a lotta people to beat people up. I was the leader. I think when I got to middle school my confidence just kinda went down, even in 5th grade.

One thing is my physical ability and leadership ability kinda went down the drain at the same time. Also, about that pack back in grade school, I think it was slightly related to physical traits too. I mean I wasn't big or anything, I didn't even win fights too often, but I would scrap all the time back then. I was wild. They tamed the **** outta me at school though, now I would never throw down, I pretty much lost that whole mentality. I truly regret it, because I highly doubt myself in a fight now. In 6th grade I still had that rage and the energy. Nowadays, I flinch at the smallest ****. Someone might make a throwing motion, not even directly at me, I might flinch and ****. It's really weird. I don't know when it started happening. It's funny that my leader ability kinda went down the drain with it. There's defintely some sort of connection. I don't know what went first, or if it was at the same time, but mentality and physical ability have dwindled, fairly slowly too.

I have no idea why. It wasnt like I was doing much back in the day. I was trendsetting and just doing me, but I wasn't really doing much else. I get a lot more done nowadays.

In middle school, it definitely didn't help because I started hanging out with some "loser" or "follower" kind of people. (what's weird is I went to the same grade school as middle school so nothing really changed. just hanging out with these people, among other things, didn't let me come into my own as fast as I could have, in terms of girls. I know it takes everyone a little time, but if I was around some more influences, I know I woulda learned how to come into my own quicker.) And I still hang out with them because they're just good friends, and I can really just relax and we always have a good time no matter what, which is strange that I don't really get that much with anyone else unless I'm in the right mood. In a way, I'm a leader of the group, not completely but a little. We talk about the whole leader and following thing and popularity in school and whatever (**** we talk about everything).

If I see people all the time, I dont even get to know em, even if I see em all the time. I just wait until I meet em through friends or until I meet em outside of where I usually see em. ("hey don't you go to ____?" or "I've seen you at _____."). I barely ever talk to people I don't know (cashiers, random people).

I'm sure this is a confidence issue. Cuz there are times I'm a lot more outgoing. If I'm in a good mood, or if I'm high or tipsy (instant confidence boosters lol). I don't get obnoxious or cocky either when I'm in that better mood, I just feel like I'm being myself more. I'll talk to strangers and everything about nothing. I just have to be at a certain vibe and mood, I don't even have to use substances or any of that.

I know it was a long post, thanks for reading.

[emilee]

Hey CoolStuff.....A few things I have learned for myself.

There is a BIG difference between Leadership and Control
Power and Force are two different animals.
Anger is much safer than vulnerability.
Getting to know ourselves with the same passion, curiosity, and attentiveness that we would give to another is one of the greatest gifts we can give ourselves.

The last one was the start point of authentic power and confidence for me. I can always be out-forced, but I can no longer be overpowered. Peace. emilee

ps (and you will no longer feel the need to "numb" yourself to feel at ease with yourself or others. I KNOW this one)

[CoolStuff]

True, you're right. I guess the mental and physical weren't so connected. It just so happened that as I stopped doing physical things, my physical ability went down. True true.

So what I really need to work on is power, which is what I had earlier, because I never was the top athlete, I was just more physical than I am now. Like I said it was more of a mentality.

I'm always interested in getting to know myself. Long walks and writing things down help. It helps confidence, but I think I still find my self losing it because of other people (which means I lack power then), so how do I develop power?

[Old Soul]

Power, and authority are 2 totally different things

what you need is authority... an "authentic" voice, this is where the confidence comes from in the first place, everything else is just pretense believe in yourself and what you do and your actions will follow the comand of your inner voice
....

Secondly I can tell you are a people person, you want to work in the forefront of the cause, the leader so to speak...

good leaders must be good servants of people... in other words, put "you" aside and work for your friends... be a servant, meet their needs , that is what makes a good leader

[emilee]

Hey again CoolStuff: With the subtle difference of my belief that authority is an aspect of power, I agree with Old Soul. I have been in a similar place to where you describe, but in a different way, and it occurs to me that I didn't know the "how" of getting from there to where I am now. It was a process of exploring different methods. The one that moved me ahead like I was supercharged with NOS (spelling mistake?), was taking NLP training. Un-freakin' believable!! The most profound exploration of my inner landscape. I can't recommend it highly enough! But there are many other methods as well. What would happen if you just started exploring with the faith that every step you take is leading you where you want to go? Have FUN with it!! peace, emilee

[CoolStuff]

^^
For some reason it always seemed to me like NLP was more of persuasion and stuff, which I am interested in, but I would like to develop self-confidence first (i guess that's what you call it).

Originally Posted by Old Soul

Power, and authority are 2 totally different things

what you need is authority... an "authentic" voice, this is where the confidence comes from in the first place, everything else is just pretense believe in yourself and what you do and your actions will follow the comand of your inner voice
....

Secondly I can tell you are a people person, you want to work in the forefront of the cause, the leader so to speak...

good leaders must be good servants of people... in other words, put "you" aside and work for your friends... be a servant, meet their needs , that is what makes a good leader

Yeah I am a people person, but I think my lack of confidence prevents me from always being that people-person that I can be.

Yeah I don't really have a powerful voice.

I do belive in myself often, I'm just trying to get to the point where I can truly develop this confidence. I know I have it but I don't know why I only have it a small portion of the time.

[emilee]

I've seen online the people that I'm pretty certain have taken NLP training and are using it to manipulate. I was gifted to be mentored by a woman who highly valued integrity and spirituality both were deeply engrained in her teachings and style. I don't know how different her training might be from other NLP practitioners, but her's involved looking deeply into ourselves, and putting our own selves in order with the training, before we would even think of using it for others. If you can find a trainer in your area that teaches the material in a similar way, I can almost guarantee, you will find the answers you are looking for. peace, emilee

[CoolStuff]

I don't think I really want to get a trainer. I want to say because of a lack of time, but I probably could fit it in if I had to. I just don't think that's the direction I wanna take.

[CoolStuff]

Anyone else?

[Ilya]

Originally Posted by CoolStuff

Anyone else?

"Your wish is my command" See, you are being a leader here
I think being a leader in 4th grade is not quite the same as being a leader in adult life.

With kids everything is straightforward. The toughest guy is the top dog. Very primal. When we grow up we develop another layer. We take the physical domination under the control of the mind. And this means that the different people become the leaders - first the good looking and later the smart. Strong ones who keep relying on physical force become bullies, not leaders. They can get what they want, but it is hard for them to find followers.
So it might be a good thing that you stopped being a leader at that moment. Means you are not a brute
Now you have to learn how to be a leader without relying on your muscles.
As was already said, you need to develop authority.
It is an elusive quality. In my opinion to have an authority is to be able to consistently have a very good and useful representation of reality, the model.
When someone makes a statement and you see that it does not reflect the reality very well, that is an opportunity to add to your authority. For that you have to be smart and observant.

Or, you can use the mechanical ways of establishing your leadership. Voice control, argumentation skills.
And posture! Very important and effective. It was amazing, how after some seminar on posture I went out in the street at the peak hour and the crowd literally parted in front of me. I was like Moses walking through the Red sea. Huge scary 200 pound of muscle and zero brains skinheads were stepping aside and averting their gaze as I approached. I could not believe my eyes. And before that I was always the one who stepped aside and let people through.

[CoolStuff]

Yeah I walk with confidence. I know the girls notice it LOL. But at the same time, when I walk I always move outta people's ways. Like I said it's a mindset thing. Maybe it is a good thing that I wasn't as much of a leader as before, but in a way I think I went down in a bad way, tamed too much. Because I don't think people should be followers, maybe you might need em but I dont wanna be one. It's just not me. (I get things done on my own. I'm bad at getting people to follow me when we need to get something done. Socially, I do tend to follow. I do have people following me, but it's not really a good thing.)

Anyway again it's a mindset thing, because I never was physically very strong, I was pretty smart for my age, and I wouldn't take any **** physically, even if I wasn't physically strong.

I'd say I'm smarter in a certain ways than some of the people at school that socially I follow.

[Fullcrum]

You talk about this amazing vibe and mood you get when you're totally on point. Strangers talk to YOU! Girls notice, too. You can talk about nothing and it's like crack for the other person, they're totally latched on. I know how that feels, too, and damn, it's AWESOME!

I'm at the stage now where I can consistently get anyone I look at to talk to me. On the surface, you'd think it's my eye contact and presence, but those are effects, not causes. It's actually my mindset. These four mindsets are very key and fundamental to the way I view socializing, being a leader, and the world.

1. I do not give a damn about what anyone think of me.

2. My game is a ten.

3. I give value freely and expect nothing in return.

4. Be the party.

This lethal combination is a killer. The first rule is most important, because when you do not give a damn about what anyone thinks of you, nothing is filtered. Everything comes out raw and real. Often when in this state it feels raw but comes out smooth like jazz. It lets you free flow, cause you don't give a damn about what anyone thinks, you do what YOU WANT! Also, when your game, aka YOU, is a ten, you act as such. For me, this is a very simple and autocatalytic belief, it feeds itself. So because I say, "My game is a TEN!" I act as such. It just seems so obvious to me what a personw who's a pefect 100% TEN would do. They would have 100% belief in everything they say and do. They would always anticipate acceptance. They would see the common humanity behind every person, no matter how they act or react. It's a beautiful thing.

I give value just through my presence. A person who gives value has a unique perspective and is not afraid to share it. They have value simply for their unique view on things and style of interaction. They do not, by contrast, take value. Think of a homeless dude asking for change. You can SENSE the neediness like palpitating off their being. That's taking value away and trying to add it to themselves. A person who GIVES value is just there for everyone. This also ties into being the party, which means that at all times, you are positive and having fun. Anything can be made fun and can have a cheery mood added to it. You can even have a party by yourself, just think of the way you talk to yourself. Talk to yourself in a pimp way. Hum some music you know.

The point is GET OUT OF YOUR DAMN HEAD! Become PRESENT! These are the best pointers I know for getting there, especially in a social or leadership context.

If you have any questions about the stuff I wrote feel free to ask. The beliefs I wrote about are simple and should be kept that way, but if you want an elaboration for clarity I'll do that.

[Ilya]

Originally Posted by CoolStuff

Yeah I walk with confidence. I know the girls notice it LOL. But at the same time, when I walk I always move outta people's ways.

You need two different postures to attract girls' looks and to get the guys out of your way. Although the second one will attract girls too.

Like I said it's a mindset thing.

From what you are saying, it seems to me that the mindset is there.
You know what to think to be a leader, you need social toolbox that will allow you to take control.

Actually, I've just thought, that you are in a great position to emerge as a leader. You know how to follow. In fact it is not the opposite of being a leader. The most skillful leaders follow first then slightly nudge the people around in the right direction. It is called manipulation - latin for "skillful handling".
Also you are smart. This is also great. These days to be an intellectual leader is more important than to be a formal leader. You might not be on the frontline, but instead command the battle. Let your thoughts show. Share insightful comments about the situation. The formal leaders will not feel it as a threat, but the people around will start to pay more attention to you.

[4Mind4Life]

I suggest getting involved in something like martial arts or getting a punching bag.

I also think that getting involved in something like Toastmasters or some sort of group / club would be healthy for you to go to to meet new people and build up some social skills.

Best wishes!

[Gmurray]

Hey Coolstuff

Only thing I'll add is that I have found for myself and you may find for yourself, that real lasting change, or transformation, has to happen from the inside out. As in, "a fern won't grow in the desert". How does that apply to you? For me it applied to that I couldn't fully express my love for people because I was too concerned with what others thought. I couldn't be authentic and free and spontaneous and natural. I had to turn my desert into a rich, dense, lush forest in which true love could grow.

I hope this makes sense.
I will also add that I am a huge fan of certain personal development trainings. The experiential kind, when done for the right reasons, and done by the facilitators in a professional, caring manner are absolutely brilliant and can deeply enhance our lives.
I add this because you say you are not committed at the level of hiring a coach or trainer. Ponder this: how many coaches do you think Tiger Woods has? How many does Bill Gates have? People that are committed with no excuses to being great in their field, hire a coach. Sometimes several.

Thank you for revealing yourself to us and for sharing.

Humbly,
Greg

[LifeFirst]

This reminded me of something happened last week. And I felt that I should have been the "leader" and really done something about it.

So I was in a situation this Friday, a situation that I should have acted upon. But because of my passiveness (or having no idea what hell was going on) at the time, and just because of the total unpredictability of the situation, I didn't do a thing, and now I am a little upset and almost felt guilty about not doing anything.


So basically on Friday night I was at the library doing homework with one of my friends, and we were going to go home around 9:00. So the bus rolls around, we get on the bus, I just knew that something wasn't right. There was this man who was sitting in the front row (he was in a wheelchair), and he started touching everyone who passed by him. I don't know why, I thought he was just weird, but when I passed by him he wanted to touch me or hug me or something. I just thought that was really strange, and he was speaking kind of incoherent so I knew something wasn't right about this man.

So on the bus a girl was sitting right across from him, and during the entire ride he wanted to touch her. But he was in a wheelchair so he couldn't, but he kept trying to extend his arm trying to touch her. I sat only a couple of rows behind the guy but I didn't know what was going on, so I didn't really do anything. I was just confused, but now that I thought about it, I should have done something because I was the one closest to the girl. Because she was getting extremely uncomfortable. Now, the thing is at that time I had no idea what I could have done...because I was on a bus, and if I did anything violent they would have caught me on tape. But now that I thought about it, I should have taken something out of my bag and threw it towards his head something, just let him know that he shouldn't be disrespecting anyone while I'm in the vicinity.


So the girl gets off the bus, and now an Indian guy gets on, and sits right in her spot. Now I was thinking "this is big trouble". So the Indian guy is being really friendly, just sitting there waiting to get home. And the guy in the wheelchair just had to cause trouble, he turns to the Indian guy and starts tells him to "suck his ****". Now, that is probably the most insulting thing I've ever heard in my Life, and at that point, you won't believe how mad I was. I "almost" got out of my seat because I'm a minority too and I know how the insults that foreigners have to take sometimes, I don't know if the Indian guy knew what was being said, but I couldn't remember me being so mad in my Life. But it was almost time for me to get to my stop so I didn't really do anything. I was just really enraged at that point, and the whole time I was think "thank God I wasn't sitting in that seat, because who knows what I would have done."

I really should have done something....whether I got caught on camera or not.

I always thought that I was confident and had some leadership qualities...well...all that was proven wrong on that night.

But then again, why didn't anyone did anything?? Why didn't the busdriver do anything? He heard every word that was said.

[Fullcrum]

LifeFirst, they probably didn't do anything for the same reason you didn't: they rationalized and tried to ignore it, but it didn't work.

That's actually a great time to become present, totally focused in the present moment. If you are totally unreactive, there's nothing the dude could do to harm or annoy you. If he was in a wheelchair, he probably could not physically harm you. So all the harm done was in your head. And apparently, it worked.

That doesn't mean you lack leadership qualities or that you don't learn from them and not repeat your mistake again...totally the opposite. You NOTICED! This is DAMN A work here!

[LifeFirst]

But then again...if I had to resort to beating down homeless people in wheelchairs....someone come shoot me.

[CoolStuff]

Yeah LifeFirst, it's not a big deal you didn't go out of your way to help somebody. It would make you feel good if you did, but it isn't a weakness of character.

[jaydeschizo]

Originally Posted by Gmurray

Only thing I'll add is that I have found for myself and you may find for yourself, that real lasting change, or transformation, has to happen from the inside out. As in, "a fern won't grow in the desert". How does that apply to you? For me it applied to that I couldn't fully express my love for people because I was too concerned with what others thought. I couldn't be authentic and free and spontaneous and natural. I had to turn my desert into a rich, dense, lush forest in which true love could grow.

Greg, could you explain a bit more deeply what you mean by turning you're desert into a rich, dense, lush forest? How did you go about doing that?

[CoolStuff]

^ Yeah that was a little general.

[Fullcrum]

So coolstuff, how have you improved from our responses?

[CoolStuff]

good. fullcrum yours was good advice. i often repeat affirmations like that to myself.

also another thing about leading when trying to get things done, i've been really making an effort on organizing details a lot better, and I noticed that definitely does help. and reading the leadership chapter of think and grow rich helps too.

i think i'm improving slightly, but it'll only get better.

[CoolStuff]

I'm still pretty bad at making social plans. Organizing details has improved other leadership though.