An only Child

[dulaney0330]

Recently, I have become more accepting of having children. However, because I have a Highly Sensitive Personality I do not think I could have more than one child. I like children...but in small doses. I do want to raise my child MUCH MORE DIFFERENTLY than I was raised, and I want to give my child everything that I was never given.

However, many people say I should not have one child because he/she will never learn how to share and they will be more selfish than children with siblings.

What do you all think? Do you think it is better for a child to have siblings and/or can you raise an only child to NOT be selfish?

Thanks!

[LoveFreedom]

Hi,

Interesting question.

I am the only child and my son is too. He was raised diffferently from the way I was raised. I felt very lonely when I was younger and it wasn't due to the lack of friends. My parents were very distant and hardly engaged with me. This however provided me with a rich creativity and imagination as well as self-sufficiency. However, I did feel socially 'lost' when I was a child.

By contrast, I spent a substancial amount of time with my son, guiding him and interacting with him. I wouldn't be able to give him that much if I had more than one child. He grew to be a very well adjusted and mature young man. For me, vaving an only child can be incredibly rewarding - I have amazing relationsip with my son and people comment on how nice and 'together' he is.

Looking at my friends who have two children, sometimes 'two' can be the worst number - there is so much competing and fighting going on between two siblings. Some grow to become good friends, some don't. From my observation, the dynamics are better when there is more than two children.

But to give you a short answer, there are good and bad sides of each possible scenario - and there is a lot of people with siblings who are very selfish and socially awkward. The only thing that really bothers me about being the only child (exept for loneliness) is that I was the only one to fulfill my parents' expectations. And that's a hard ask, especially with parents that are not very self-reflective. Apart from this I think there are many others more important factors shaping people's characters and lives.

[Livgivare]

Hi.

As an alone child myself I just have a few tips...

1) Never ask the child that grows up to take care of you in any way, try to make the child have as many options in his/her own life as posible. This one creates a feeling that the child can become an own individual and feeling proud of that, not to feel any bad conscience about it. An grown up child don't want to know that the only future it has got is to become a good health keeper for their parents and have the whole responsibility.
2) Try to find other single child parents or get the child into child care as fast as posible, just to make the child have friends in its own age as early as posible. This way you can prevent lonliness in the future and the feeling about being awkward as a social person as an adult.
3) Ask grandparents to this single child to take care of it along the way, this way you and your kid will have not 100% too tight bond and the feeling of letting go when the child will be grown up is going to be easier on the child. And in this way even cousins and other relatives that are children can be involved as a substitute for siblings. And you get extra time to think of your own life so you can become a better parent just because you have the time to have friends or such in life...
4) Never expect too much of the child, ask yourself what you would expect if the child had two siblings. Would you expect one child to be there at that time or would any other child be as good as the first one? Would a friend be a good support for you if the child needs time of its own? If it is a girl, ask yourself what you would expect from a boy etc. In this way you make yourself thinking about what the child needs in terms of need and support and making it comfortable not to be 100% everything all the time.
5) Never, I mean never put such preasure on a single child that it has got to be all the answers to your own happiness and your own well being.

There is posible a few more tips...but I feel like I am going arround in circles and that is not good...hope I didn't sound to harsh in those tips becuase the way I was brought up was not according to those rules all the time. And I wish that someone would have told my parents those things before they gave birth of me...

Love Leelene

[norbert]

Originally Posted by dulaney0330

What do you all think? Do you think it is better for a child to have siblings and/or can you raise an only child to NOT be selfish?

I am a single child. I hate the fact that I have no siblings who share my story. I've lost my parents early and at times I feel very lonely and isolated and wish I'd have a sibling to truly share the experience. I think what is selfish is not a single child but a parent not giving the opportunity for his/her child to experience having a sibling. If they don't like each other they can separate when they grow up. But at least they have the opportunity to choose. This is not meant to be against you dulaney0330 but my opinion in general.

[dulaney0330]

Thanks for all the replies!

I have two sisters and I am glad I have siblings so I guess I am in conflict with the idea of the only child. Quite honestly, I am selfish and I do not enjoy sharing so I guess "only children are selfish" depends on the child/environment.

Having an only child seems easier....well here's hoping for twins! (My current boyfriend and mother are both fraternal twins!)

[kenakari]

My son is an only child, and for health/financial reasons, is likely to remain so, as much as I may like it to be different.

General advice? Have as many children as you are mentally and emotionally prepared to raise. I've noticed that people change the argument depending on the amount of children you have, so I'm not too fond of the belief that "one child is no child". Before I had my son, I got "You should have a child, it's a blessing". After one cousin had two girls, she got "You should have another, and try for the boy, two will just fight." The attitude of the child will depend on how he/she is raised, not on the amount of siblings he has.

In the interest of full disclosure, I have a brother, and when we were growing up, my female cousins/friends of our parents filled my need for sisters, while the male cousins filled his need for brothers. My son's cousins/other children at daycare fill these same roles for him now.

[lizthefair]

I don't have any personal experience with this, but there is a very popular lens on the subject over at Squidoo.

Here's the link:

Only Children

[dulaney0330]

Originally Posted by lizthefair

I don't have any personal experience with this, but there is a very popular lens on the subject over at Squidoo.

Here's the link:

Only Children

Thanks for the neat site! There is a lot of beneficial information on there!

[Lisa McGregor]

I asked my 9yr old son Andrew how he felt being an only child. So he said "what do you mean?" So I said : "well do you sometimes wish that you had a brother or sister? don't you get lonely sometimes". His answer was that no he definitely doesn't get lonely and he's quite happy being an only child.

But he has quite a lot of friends (other boys) who are also only children and we have a kind of friday night club. We all get together,at a restaurant, the parents at one table and the boys at another table and so maybe for them it's quite normal. Let's face it, the world has a lot of only children right now. Lots of people cannot, for practical and economical reasons have more than one child.
L

[{aspiring_to_clarity}]

That's really cool, Lisa!

[NotesMaeve]

Honestly, having siblings, I have to advocate:

1) There is no more precious bond than the sibling bond. They are literally the friends who know you the best, and in my case, my best friends.

2) There is no 2. Now I'm all weepy and have to call my brothers.

[dulaney0330]

Originally Posted by Lisa McGregor

I asked my 9yr old son Andrew how he felt being an only child. So he said "what do you mean?" So I said : "well do you sometimes wish that you had a brother or sister? don't you get lonely sometimes". His answer was that no he definitely doesn't get lonely and he's quite happy being an only child.

But he has quite a lot of friends (other boys) who are also only children and we have a kind of friday night club. We all get together,at a restaurant, the parents at one table and the boys at another table and so maybe for them it's quite normal. Let's face it, the world has a lot of only children right now. Lots of people cannot, for practical and economical reasons have more than one child.
L

Thanks for the reply! That definitely makes me feel a little better about the idea of only children. I will definitely read up on it more and I guess I will see where that takes me!