"Do or Die..."

[Beorn]

As the title says... I have to just do it, or else I'm gonna sit here and slowly wither away
or in the best case scenario, die instantly and without any pain.

I had this page introduced to me by a friend a couple of months ago,
back when things at least seemed to make a little sense.
I read around on the forum and checked the blog, (This was during one of my better days)
found an interest, but soon forgot about it in the midst of my depression.
Tonight, a friend tells me that I should make a post in the forums,
telling about my situation and maybe some people will give me some feedback
that will hopefully get me away from the "Die-side" and onto the "Do-side".

(Sorry about the bad English, I'm from Sweden)

I'm 25 years old and have suffered from an severe depression for about 3 years now,
but I have just recently tried seeking help for it. In the form om medicine.
I'm om 150 mg's a day of "Sertralin", it's kind of like "Zoloft".
In two days I'm upping my doses to 200mg and try that for 3 months.
If that doesn't help it's of to some other kind of medication.

For as long I can remember I've had kind of a wish to die. Not to kill myself,
but to just disappear and just not be anymore.
But I've had a decent life till about three years ago, when everything crashed.

I had moved a couple of miles from where I grew up about 3 years earlier,
and often went back to see my childhood friends, but they didn't come
to visit me very often. After living there for two years, seeing my friends sometimes,
but not very often since I didn't have a license and they did.
Then I moved in to the "city". Still couldn't get a job, still broke,
but at least I was closer two school, where I was finishing my second, and last year
of school. I was trying to shape up my grades and take a couple of new cources
just for fun. After living there for a while, I got in better touch with my friends from before.
Things where actually going pretty good.
(The first year of school I was suffering from my social fobia and hardly talked
to people.
I had been threatened by a drugdealer a year before, saying that he was gonna
cut my fingers off, kill me and all the usual stuff.
This created the social fobia, I guess.)

One day my friends stopped taking my calls. I had previously had an argument
with one of my friend's cousins. (who happens to be their cokesupplier. I won't touch the stuff. Clean for 6-7 years, with the chemicals that is.)

6 months later, after not having to talked or seen any of the "old friends"
for the entire time, one of the call me up and asks if we could talk.
- "Sure", I said.
He came over and told what had really played out 6 months before.

The cousin-cokedealer had made his cousin (my friend) make a choice.
Either he hung out with me, or he hung out with his cousin and got coke.
He choose the coke, and made up a sugarcoated story to the rest the gang
so that they would also cut me off. And so they did. I have talked to them
at maybe 5 different occasions during the last 3 years.
During the period that I had no contact at all with there "friends(?)"
they instead became with my sister and her husband.
They got married this summer and the guy who made the decision to
entirely cut me off from all of my childhood friends because of his cokehabit,
was their best man.

Early this last summer my girlfriend broke up with me after 5 years together
after having been seeing someone else behind my back for some time
when I was in the middle of my getting out of my depression.
This destroyed everything.

I had no friends, but I had her. I thought she wanted to start building a life
together, but she had lied about all of that "to save me from getting hurt".
The thing is I told her when we first started the relationship that i wont
tolerate infidelity in any form. In all of my 3 serious relationships,
all have now in some way cheated on me.

We still talk, but beneath the surface i despise her.
She just makes me remember everything we had before it all went ****.

A lot more has happened, but I don't feel like getting into that right now.

My current situation is that I live by myself in a small apartment
and spend most of my days by the computer or just stay curdled up in my bed all day.
I speak with my mother and father, but they can't provide all the social
things I need to survive. I usually don't see anybody at all for 5-10 days,
then I may visit someone or get a visit myself.
Luckily, I can take care of apartment and still muster up some spirit
to clean and fix things apartment.
But that's all I do.

I feel as if nothing could ever go right in this city again.
I want to move, but I don't have the courage too, because of the fear
of being all alone in a brand new place. I am but a shadow of my former self
these days and nothing really interests me.

Hopefully someone here can get me on the right track
so that I can disperse of all of these suicidal thoughts and regain the will and strength to start a new life.

Thanks for reading all the way through.

//Beorn

[Gemini15]

Hi Beorn

I must admit to not having any real understanding of depression or drugs so am unable to provide real help.

You are probably hanging out for some response, so thought I would say hello and that I feel for you.

While waiting for some help from those who have a good understanding of depression, I suggest you go back through previous threads on this forum as discussions about depression have been written before

Good Luck

[brandi]

Quit talking to the girl so you can move on and work towards healing.

Hun, maybe it's a good thing your "friends" split.
they are using. you being clean is very important.

(i am a reformed meth user/addict- I get it I get addiction.
clean almost 11 years but i still pay the price)
so it's a good thing you don't have those friends.

it's time for you to move on to the next level of your life, not everybody gets to graduate and move on to the next level with you.
pick yourself up and dust off, for everything there is a season, don't pitch your tent in the season of darkness.
that wasn't gods best.
move on with great expectancy and healing.

you are exactly where god needs you to be.
being alone is a great environment for healing, rejuvinating and rebuilding yourself, your life. it takes years to come back off sh** drugs.

it's time for you to go to the next level

I know what i'm talking about,
I don't know what anyone could possibly know
about breaking down that i don't.

the difference is i get up again and again and again

you can to, but you have to decide to

[Beorn]

Originally Posted by Gemini15

Hi Beorn

I must admit to not having any real understanding of depression or drugs so am unable to provide real help.

You are probably hanging out for some response, so thought I would say hello and that I feel for you.

While waiting for some help from those who have a good understanding of depression, I suggest you go back through previous threads on this forum as discussions about depression have been written before

Good Luck

Originally Posted by brandi

Quit talking to the girl so you can move on and work towards healing.

Hun, maybe it's a good thing your "friends" split.
they are using. you being clean is very important.

(i am a reformed meth user/addict- I get it I get addiction.
clean almost 11 years but i still pay the price)
so it's a good thing you don't have those friends.

it's time for you to move on to the next level of your life, not everybody gets to graduate and move on to the next level with you.
pick yourself up and dust off, for everything there is a season, don't pitch your tent in the season of darkness.
that wasn't gods best.
move on with great expectancy and healing.

you are exactly where god needs you to be.
being alone is a great environment for healing, rejuvinating and rebuilding yourself, your life. it takes years to come back off sh** drugs.

it's time for you to go to the next level

I know what i'm talking about,
I don't know what anyone could possibly know
about breaking down that i don't.

the difference is i get up again and again and again

you can to, but you have to decide to

Yes, I agree. I can't keep in contact with my ex.
It hurts to much.

I'm not that "clean" thou.
I've quit all chemical drugs, but I still smoke cannabis.
Not very often now a days, mostly because of the benefits it gives me
in my depression. It gives me appetite so that I can eat, motivation
to do stuff
and it calms the worst anxiety.

Yes, those friends are nothing for me.
But I've always had a big problem making new friends. I guess I'm kind of "odd".

I agree with almost everything you guys have said so far,
I'm just to scared of making the step all alone.
Especially after being by myself for so long already.

Can anyone give examples of like exercises on how to heal the wounds
in ones soul?

I'm going to start seeing a therapist soon also. Hopefully that will strengthen me some.

[cdn2wheeler]

Originally Posted by Beorn

Can anyone give examples of like exercises on how to heal the wounds
in ones soul?

There are no exercises.

There are no quick fixes.

There is no magic bullet.

You heal these wounds the same way that you heal any other wound. You care for it, for a while, then you move on. Polluting one's body and mind with drugs or alcohol halts the healing process, so once the effect of the drugs or booze wears off, you're right back where you started. Actually, you're probably worse off because you've got that junk boiling inside your system in the form of a hangover or trace amounts of drugs still coursing through your veins. And your wallet will be thinner too.

So drop the pretense that "it's only weed" or "it's only a beer" or whatever.

Get real with yourself, get real with what you need to do to move on, and do it. Nobody can do it for you. You have to do it yourself and there is no easy way.

Trust me on this, k?

[Beorn]

I knew that this was gonna be hard and a lot of work,
but I guess I was just looking for an easy way out.
I really can't do this, or anything else for that matter, for myself.
I've hated myself for many years now and thats why I can hardly do anything for just me.
Doing stuff for other people is no problem.
If there's absolutely no way of getting assistance or support through this, I'm out of luck.
I just don't have any fight left in me.
Being in need of pills just to be able to go out in public is not a way of life.
Neither is spending it alone pondering over why nobody could ever
accept me for who I am.
I'll give it some thought and decide after the weekend.

[cdn2wheeler]

Originally Posted by Beorn

I knew that this was gonna be hard and a lot of work,
but I guess I was just looking for an easy way out.
I really can't do this, or anything else for that matter, for myself.
I've hated myself for many years now and thats why I can hardly do anything for just me.
Doing stuff for other people is no problem.
If there's absolutely no way of getting assistance or support through this, I'm out of luck.
I just don't have any fight left in me.
Being in need of pills just to be able to go out in public is not a way of life.
Neither is spending it alone pondering over why nobody could ever
accept me for who I am.
I'll give it some thought and decide after the weekend.

Yes, it is going to be hard. Make no mistake about that. The fine folk of this board and your own personal support group can help through our encouragement, coaching and commitment, but in the final analysis you're the one who's got to put the rubber to the road.

But it's also very do-able. I'm living proof. And hey, if I can do it...

[Beorn]

Maybe you're right.
But I don't think i have the patience to wait to get better.
I've been this way for almost 3 years now and can quite frankly say
that I don't even remember who I used to be.
I cant eat, sleep or do anything anymore.
It just feels useless and pointless.
My idea of a "perfect life" is so far away from what everybody else thinks.
And probably nothing I will ever achieve, despite of my illness.

Please share you own experiences.
Maybe I can find some hope there.

[brandi]

oh hell, hunney who doesn't smoke out. i do.

I know the benifits and draw backs of it.

seriously check this out you can watcha few of his shows from the internet.

to say it's a message of growth, grace and abundance
would be understating this. come as you are- no condemnation
start feeding you mind with all the positive stuff.
your mind is like two dogs in a fight,
which ever dog you feed the most shall win
Joel Osteen Ministries: Welcome to Joel Osteen Ministries

you don't even have to be a believer
to really make this message
of a way to abundant life work for you

like i said you are exactly where you need to be right now.
look a round find the meaning.
then find a way for healing.
that link is a good beginning.
it'll sooth what ailes ya : )

[norbert]

Originally Posted by Beorn

My current situation is that I live by myself in a small apartment and spend most of my days by the computer or just stay curdled up in my bed all day. [...] I usually don't see anybody at all for 5-10 days,
then I may visit someone or get a visit myself.

Beorn, I've been in a similar situation for many years and I've finally made the move last week. It was very hard to accept that there's nobody left to stay for (sadly my 4 most important people are gone--1 moved, 3 died). Now my next life has started and although I didn't choose my life to turn out this way, it's still better than staying at "home" where surely nothing's gonna be the way I want it to. I suggest you to leave all the crap behind and find new people who need and care about you. Maybe it'll take decades to find them, I don't know. But at least you won't subconsciously hope that the old environment will change and things will be fine one day. I wish you all the best mate.