Confessions of my misbehavior

[WayToTwilight]

Last night I was at a clubbing event put on by a frat and sorority and I was pretty drunk. I had several drinks at the bar then I headed out onto the dance floor. I was talking to my buddies and asking them for tips on how to approach girls on the dance floor and they told me that if I get rejected, play it off cool and make some statement that shows disinterest in her. After asking one girl (out of the many that I asked) if she would like to dance, she said no and without even thinking I blurted out "F--- you! I thought you were interesting!" She responded with a "F--- you" as well and I walked off.

Now, the next day I am regretting so much how I acted. I know I most likely will never see this girl again (and even if I did I wouldn't remember her, the club was really dark and I was pretty drunk) but I feel incredible guilt for what I said to her and how it probably ruined her night at the club, and will probably ruin her perception of the social scene at clubs (although clubs are filled with ******** anyways). Normally I'm not like this, even when I'm drunk. The thing that guilts me so much was that I wasn't even angry at that girl. I just said it because I was thinking in my own twisted drunken state that it would "show disinterest."

I'm not writing this because I want tips on how to properly pick up chicks or to elicit posts of comfort and pity (although I don't think this kind of behavior warrants any comfort or pity), but because I was so filled with regret and guilt this morning that I had to confess this to someone. And I didn't know who else to tell but this forum. I'm also afraid of what my friends will think of me. They know I regret it but after having done this I'm sure they have a new perspective on me now. This is the first time I've really told anyone to just F-off, it was completely out of character for me, since I'm usually a really docile gentle person, even when I'm drunk I rarely tell people off like that. I really wish I could take it back or do something to redeem myself or even better get a hold of that girl to apologize, but I know it's farfetched.

[Zukin]

Originally Posted by WayToTwilight

Now, the next day I am regretting so much how I acted. I know I most likely will never see this girl again (and even if I did I wouldn't remember her, the club was really dark and I was pretty drunk) but I feel incredible guilt for what I said to her and how it probably ruined her night at the club, and will probably ruin her perception of the social scene at clubs (although clubs are filled with ******** anyways). Normally I'm not like this, even when I'm drunk. The thing that guilts me so much was that I wasn't even angry at that girl. I just said it because I was thinking in my own twisted drunken state that it would "show disinterest."

Maybe SHE should be sorry that she ruined YOUR night by turning you down! Seriously though, I doubt this will ruin her life. At most, she might want to get out of the club scene - and like you said the club scene sucks anyways. Maybe she'll actually do something productive with her life instead of hanging out at frat parties.

Here's some things that may make you feel better:
1. Try using the NLP swish pattern to replay the scene of what happened in your mind. Then, replace it with a scene of what you would rather have happened. Keep running the improved scene through in your mind until you don't feel bad about what happened anymore.
2. Try not getting drunk in the future! Or at least, wait and get drunk in a place you won't embarrass yourself.

[Matthew Shea]

I hope this doesn't sound disrespectful, but that's the funniest thing I've seen this week.

Seriously, though, you're being WAY too hard on yourself. You've got a 50% chance she's laughing her ass off just like I am and the other 50% that she'll just write you off as a jerk and that'll be the end of it.

Don't beat yourself up. Please! I know what that feels like and I've fallen into that trap before. It's not productive, it's not constructive and it just causes needless anxiety. If by chance you do see her again, apologize sincerely and profusely. Then it'll be done. Otherwise, learn from your mistake and just move on and resolve never to do it again.

[Angela]

Well, maybe what you said had an impact on her and maybe it didn't. If it didn't, that's that, no need to wallow. If it did affect her, what you've done is you've given her an opportunity for personal growth. Not a pleasant one, maybe, but probably a very valuable one that may create something wonderful for her (and that might not show up for years).

You've also given yourself a great opportunity for personal growth -- you have pointed yourself towards a huge breakthrough (I don't know what it is, that's for you to discern). How do I know it's a huge breakthrough you're verging on? Because you're so emotionally affected by your own actions -- feeling guilty. I'm really very happy for you!

So your job in making this incident meaningful is to peel away the onion and see what you have to see. Like, why do you have to play it cool? Why is it important to show a girl you're interested in that you're not interested in her? What else do you pretend or be inauthentic about in your life? What's that costing you? What else is possible that would make a difference?

If you are willing to generate something useful in living a life you love out of this incident, than you will have more than made amends to the girl. And you can intend for her to do the same, if you like. Maybe one day you two will meet again and you can share with each other what a difference you made in each other's lives!

Best wishes,
Angela

[cdn2wheeler]

I can picture the scene in, say, twenty-five years. A couple is sitting across the kitchen table from each other, reminiscing.

He: Remember that night at the party when I asked you to dance?

She: Yes, I remember that. I turned you down.

He (laughing): Yes, I remember. I had already had a few and was a bit looped. I think I said something like, "fark you and the horse you rode in on."

She: Yea, something like that. But you know what was funny?

He: What was that?

She: That was a good wake-up call to me. It showed me clearly that I was being cold and manipulative and hugely judgemental based on, well, nothing really.

He: It was a good message for me too, especially not to get too loaded at frat parties.

She: But remember when we met again?

He: I'll never forget it. In the hallway. Then in the dorm room.

She (blushing): Wow... that was something... say... wanna go upstairs?

[Angela]

You see, WayToTwilight? Not only have you set the groundwork for your future happy marriage, you've also made a bunch of us here laugh! I hope that makes you feel better.

[Rose of Cairo]

Why do you want to show a girl you're interested in that you're not interested in her? That's not genuine. You don't need to "save" some "honor": nobody can diminish your value by saying no. Just be yourself. (Your buddies' tips are not that bright.)

Why do you hang out at places crowded with ******** anyway?

I feel some disappointment about girls in what you write, and a bit of feeling lonely?

And maybe you just urgently needed to say f*** you to someone. Maybe you're fed up with being such a docile gentle little person?

Don't beat yourself. You have no reason for feeling so much guilty, really. Don't regret it, it's a chance to grow. Take it easy and learn something out of this

[cdn2wheeler]

Originally Posted by Rose of Cairo

Don't beat yourself.

uh... the intention of talking with this girl was precisely so he wouldn't have to beat himself...

*runs and hides*

[Rose of Cairo]

I have some obscure feeling that I'm missing something here... and that I should know more idiomatic expressions in english...

I meant... how did Matthew write it? beat up. I meant, don't beat yourself UP

running after schlawibutz to kick his a**...

[cdn2wheeler]

OUCH

damn, woman, if you're gonna kick me, at least have the courtesy to remove the stilettos...

then again... hmmm... u got a black outfit?

[jmac]

Hey WayToTwilight,

From where is the quotation in your signature?

It strikes me that if you'd been having a semi-sober conversation about lit or something else you love, in another setting, that that might have been a different experience entirely. That is to say, you have many options given how complex humans are, and well, this was one of them.

Too, the fact that you feel regret indicates that you act with integrity and/or wish to and that's a good thing (the integrity bit.)

[Freelancer]

Didn't read the replys or even your entire post but remember this;
The female will have forgotten about your response about 5 seconds after you left (perhaps less) and carried on partying. You on the other hand are still carrying it along with you, your the one suffering needlessly.

[LuckyBuffie]

Originally Posted by WayToTwilight

Last night I was at a clubbing event put on by a frat and sorority and I was pretty drunk. I had several drinks at the bar then I headed out onto the dance floor. I was talking to my buddies and asking them for tips on how to approach girls on the dance floor and they told me that if I get rejected, play it off cool and make some statement that shows disinterest in her. After asking one girl (out of the many that I asked) if she would like to dance, she said no and without even thinking I blurted out "F--- you! I thought you were interesting!" She responded with a "F--- you" as well and I walked off.

Now, the next day I am regretting so much how I acted. I know I most likely will never see this girl again (and even if I did I wouldn't remember her, the club was really dark and I was pretty drunk) but I feel incredible guilt for what I said to her and how it probably ruined her night at the club, and will probably ruin her perception of the social scene at clubs (although clubs are filled with ******** anyways). Normally I'm not like this, even when I'm drunk. The thing that guilts me so much was that I wasn't even angry at that girl. I just said it because I was thinking in my own twisted drunken state that it would "show disinterest."

I'm not writing this because I want tips on how to properly pick up chicks or to elicit posts of comfort and pity (although I don't think this kind of behavior warrants any comfort or pity), but because I was so filled with regret and guilt this morning that I had to confess this to someone. And I didn't know who else to tell but this forum. I'm also afraid of what my friends will think of me. They know I regret it but after having done this I'm sure they have a new perspective on me now. This is the first time I've really told anyone to just F-off, it was completely out of character for me, since I'm usually a really docile gentle person, even when I'm drunk I rarely tell people off like that. I really wish I could take it back or do something to redeem myself or even better get a hold of that girl to apologize, but I know it's farfetched.

Don't feel guilty, I am sure (no offense) she just blew it off. Younger guys are known for spitting out rude comments after being rejected, and it's not neccessary. Seriously, if you get rejected, don't take it personal (easier said than done, i know) and move on). Why do you need to show disinterest after you show interest? You just look like and ass. I agree you should be embarrassed, but whatev just treat people like you wanna be treated. Simple as that.

[febflake]

Originally Posted by Angela

Well, maybe what you said had an impact on her and maybe it didn't. If it didn't, that's that, no need to wallow. If it did affect her, what you've done is you've given her an opportunity for personal growth. Not a pleasant one, maybe, but probably a very valuable one that may create something wonderful for her (and that might not show up for years).

That's pretentious.When you are acting like an ass, you are acting like an ass and not some benefactor so high on self esteem you think you are teaching life lessons to people when insulting them. When you are drunk. And because the other person didn't want to dance with you.

Turning the negative into positive can be stretched so much it's just a lie in the end.

Feel guilty ? Deal with it and don't do it again. Next time you watch those stupid mtv reality games (parental control, next etc) just switch off tv.

[Angela]

Originally Posted by febflake

That's pretentious.When you are acting like an ass, you are acting like an ass and not some benefactor so high on self esteem you think you are teaching life lessons to people when insulting them. When you are drunk. And because the other person didn't want to dance with you.

Turning the negative into positive can be stretched so much it's just a lie in the end.

Feel guilty ? Deal with it and don't do it again. Next time you watch those stupid mtv reality games (parental control, next etc) just switch off tv.

Febflake, you insulted me without quite understanding me. I fart in your general direction! I was not at all suggesting that the OP was consciously being a teacher or guru for this young woman or that he was being generous benefactor!

What I am suggesting is that when you do something you regret, something you feel guilty about, you have given yourself an opportunity for personal growth out of that, and also, since he's not able to apologize to the lady, which he'd clearly love to do, an alternative to holding on to clutching his guilt is to consider that the incident may have sparked a little self-growth for her, too.

You know why I think that's a valid idea? Because some of my own personal growth has been the result of someone saying something to me that offended, hurt, or frightened me. Since it's not the pain or fear that results from impending or actual physical injury, that's a clue for me to realize that whatever I feel bears looking at because it's probably something I could let go of, if I'm able to see what it really is (old pain, misplaced anger, a reaction to a reaction, mirroring, etc.).

I think when you have a little conflict with someone, you are blessing each other's lives in a real way! Again, I don't mean that going around generating conflict is a generous or loving thing to do (you're right, you're kind of ass if you do that!) but I do mean that it's important to accept what is and to see what you can learn about yourself out of what is. Accepting doesn't mean condoning, but acceptance is a great flowing path towards personal growth.

Looking at life's lessons that way is much more empowering for me than "you should feel guilty, you ass, don't do it again!" I think there are jails full of people who handle their mistakes that way.

[WayToTwilight]

Thank you all for replying. I didn't really expect such a response.

I guess I did kind of blow it out of proportion, but I know myself. I tend to feel very guilty for doing things like being really mean to people. Ever since I was a kid I felt very guilty for misbehavior, probably due to the way my parents raised me.

[Betrade]

Originally Posted by WayToTwilight

Thank you all for replying. I didn't really expect such a response.

I guess I did kind of blow it out of proportion, but I know myself. I tend to feel very guilty for doing things like being really mean to people. Ever since I was a kid I felt very guilty for misbehavior, probably due to the way my parents raised me.

You'll grow out of it eventually, as well as with doing things that you know will make you feel bad, before you do them. It's called learning from experience.

That girl has probably dealt with plenty of jerks before, and she knew in advance that if she put herself in a room full of drunk dudes, she may have to blow a few of them off.

I would call this a mountain out of a molehill. It would be different if she were someone you knew, or someone you were trying to get together with for a relationship.

The best lesson I see here is to maybe stop getting drunk. Alcohol very often brings out the very worst in people, especially in high doses; not to mention it makes you feel like hell the next day. If you keep it cool on the drinks, you'll be more cool overall, and less likely to wake up regretting something you said or did, because this definitely sounds like the alcohol was doing the talking.

[Lauxa]

I'm surprised by the responses to this thread, I guess we all like to read a good confession!

WTT, I hope that by confessing you have managed to unburden yourself of some of the guilt you felt. Of course, it's hard when you are confessing to people who have no authority to grant forgiveness. Maybe you want to do an atonement? You could go up to 10 girls and compliment them on something (without hanging around, trying to get a date) to try and offset the negative karma. It might make you feel better and spread a few smiles at the same time.