Why do people lie?

[Enlightenment]

I know this question is asked every time one finds out, without a shadow of a doubt, that someone has outright lied.
Have you ever asked somebody if they got your email and they replied that they didn't, even though you know they did bcause you have an email server, like at a university, where the email comes back marked as 'read'.
I'm not trying to be cynical here. I'm genuinely wondering why people lie? I'm not saying I never lie either. However, I could never lie about not receiving someone's email or not receiving a package when I actually did recieve it.
In addtion, can one expect to have a truthful and honest relationship with someone who lies over such minor things?
What do you think and what is your way of handling this situation?
E

[openeyes]

There are a number of reasons (I doubt I'll manage to list them all): just for fun, for a feeling of power/control, out of fear that telling the truth would hurt their life situation in some way, from the thought that the lie could improve their life situation in some way, expedience, or simply out of unconscious habit.

My habit is to not lie, but not to bother telling everyone every little detail of my life either. As I've mentioned before, I don't think I could ever have much affinity for someone I couldn't trust. I'm happy to let them quickly exit my life.

[dulaney0330]

The only reason I have ever lied was because telling the truth would burden me, the other person, or the situation. For example, I looked through my sisters' phone and she found out...she was furious! She asked me if I looked in her phone and I said no. She knew I wasn't telling the truth and asked me again...I finally said I did. She asked me why I lied and I simply responded, "So you wouldn't find out!"

[Dan.Linehan]

Same reason people do anything else - they see it as advantageous somehow.

[Bitsy]

I have been wondering this very same thing, and when you are dealing with a liar, how insane their "reasoning" is. Case in point:

Originally Posted by dulaney0330

For example, I looked through my sisters' phone and she found out...she was furious! She asked me if I looked in her phone and I said no. She knew I wasn't telling the truth and asked me again...I finally said I did. She asked me why I lied and I simply responded, "So you wouldn't find out!"

This is 100% illogical. According to this story, the girl had already found out the truth, so the excuse of lying so she wouldn't find out is in and of itself a lie--and we still don't know the real reason. The bottom line and worst thing is that you know that no matter what you ask lying people, they won't and you can never force them to tell you the truth--all you can do is keep in mind that they are lying and accept that you don't know and won't know the truth from them.

[Enlightenment]

To DanL; Advantageous to whom? We all know it is wrong to lie. Every major religion in this world teaches not to lie. Therefore, it cannot, in the long run, be advantageous to lie. Look what happened to the phone guy who just posted. The only thing he got out of looking through his sister's phone is that she just can't trust him anymore.
That being said, the liar could think it is advantageous if they don't respect the person they are lying to. For example, this person who lied to me about not receiving a package, obviously doesn't care or is in denial about me being able to simply track the package through the post office website. Then she has her reputation to deal with because I must tell other business associates that this is the case. I agree with Bitsy in the way that it is insane.
Now the responsiblity is lopped onto us to try to figure out when she's lying and when she's not,... if we want to do business with her in the future.
All I can do is not lie... or at least try to catch myself when I do start a lie. They say that what bothers you in another person is what bothers you about yourself. Therefore, one must examine one's own habits to figure out what is truly wrong.
E

[Chado2423]

I read a good book once on lying...

There are many reasons why people lie, and here are just a few (I didn't read anyone's post, so someone may have mentioned these already)

These are some of the basic reasons we lie:

1. To appease another person
2. To attempt to make our life better
3. To hurt another person emotionally
4. To manipulate a circumstance, or person
5. To hide a truth


I'm sure there are more reasons, but that's all I could remember off the top of my head.

[Enlightenment]

Hi Chado,
Do you remember the title of the book about lying? If so, does it mention how you can effectively handle the situation?
E

[Chado2423]

Originally Posted by Enlightenment

Hi Chado,
Do you remember the title of the book about lying? If so, does it mention how you can effectively handle the situation?
E

No, I don't remember the exact title of the book, but is was written by this lady... Why Do People Lie?

How to handle the situation, well I guess that depends on which type of lie you're dealing with, the motivation behind the lie, etc. Usually integrety and honesty will devert the untruth eventually.

[Michael Chui]

Lies are made up of words.

Words are a method by which people create and affect the worldviews, realities, perceptions, whatever you want to call it... of other people.

All communication is a form of manipulation.

The truth is one form. A lie is another.

The goal is to evoke a particular perception; in the case of truth, it's to force the other person to acknowledge it; in the case of a lie, it's to color the world in one's own favor.

[quoteguy]

To quote George Costanza, a character from Seinfeld, "If it's true to you, it's not a lie."

(Not my belief by the way)

[AddictiveX]

Some people lie because they think the stories/lies they tell will improve others perceptions of them, Some people lie because they are scared of the consequeces of telling the truth and other people lie because for some reason inside their head they find it kind of amusing to mislead people. There are other reasons just not ones I can put my finger on at the moment

[eblight]

It seems to me behind every lie there is some sort of fear.

[Michael Chui]

Teaching to Lie

[The David]

Originally Posted by quoteguy

To quote George Costanza, a character from Seinfeld, "If it's true to you, it's not a lie."

(Not my belief by the way)

Correction: It's isn't your lie.

Lying is just one manifestation of a lack of inner peace and/or resolve. There isn't anything 'evil' or 'dark' about it, it's just an annoying aspect of humanity that we will hopefully overcome as individuals.

Oh, and Michael, there are some lies that don't involve words.

[Rose of Cairo]

It seems that you all don't lie. Well, I lie

I don't know why other people lie but I can tell you why I do it. To escape.

For example I'll tell my bf that I go to dance tango, and in fact I go to the movies. Or I leave early in the morning saying that I'm attending my schooling, and then I jump into a random train and spend the day travelling around. I even have friends who don't exist so I can go to visit them when I want to disappear for a while. I even travel to other cities, dress up in the train toilet, meet someone outside of my usual life and pretend to be someone I am not. Things like that.

It's totally useless lies of course. It doesn't make any difference for my bf wether I go to dance or to watch a movie. And I don't do it because it's funny to fool him. I just need it. I hate the idea that someone always knows where I am. I even hate the idea that at every moment there is some person who knows where I am. I need to disappear sometimes. I need this feeling that nobody has too much information about me.

Of course as some of you said, it's because of a big underlying fear or lack of inner peace.

But I am sorry to admit, I have no problem with doing something "wrong" like this.

[Healfdeane]

There are some other ways to look at this. For one, there are people out there that answer questions with out thinking. "Did you take out the trash?" "Yeah" Inner monologue: Wait did I take out the trash? There are others that believe that words, not actions, reflect more of who they are and would rather tell you that they did do something rather than did not, hoping that they can correct it before you find out - no harm, no foul, right? So that would seem to be an emotional insecurity. But the idea of lying implies that there is truth and non truth. Enlightenment's original post has the sound of emotional hurt or disappointment. Those are moral issues. So, one could say lying is a reflection or side effect of a person's moral beliefs. But, the motivation to lie, in all cases where mental illness is not involved, comes from an emotional reaction to the value a person places in truth versus non truth. Why they lie about particular things and not others is all based on their value system, and if that system conflicts with yours then to you they are a dishonest person. But are you looking at the scenario through their facet of the gemstone?

[Michael Chui]

Originally Posted by The David

Oh, and Michael, there are some lies that don't involve words.

Touche.

But they're still about communication!

[The David]

Rose of Cairo, that's a very interesting explanation. I might do that without thinking sometimes. I suppose some lies are more damaging than others. I mean, of course, but maybe some aren't really very damaging at all. It's just a matter of whether or not you think it's causing a problem or not. Personally, I think there are times when it's better to tell someone what they need to hear, instead of the truth (like the oracle on The Matrix, who I've referred to more than once before).

[m18pak]

It would be good if you could go through life never needing to lie, but unfortunately life is not ours to command.

Simply put: sometimes we HAVE to lie. People try to control us. Society attempts to enforce unjust rules on us in order to use us as cogs for its giant machine. Sometimes, we must lie in order to gain a measure of freedom.

[Michael Chui]

Jessica Hagy's take:
indexed: Honestly.

[Chado2423]

Originally Posted by m18pak

It would be good if you could go through life never needing to lie, but unfortunately life is not ours to command.

Simply put: sometimes we HAVE to lie. People try to control us. Society attempts to enforce unjust rules on us in order to use us as cogs for its giant machine. Sometimes, we must lie in order to gain a measure of freedom.

Unfortunately I don't agree with you... we don't have to lie because of Social limitiations... society may make us feel inferior, but this in itself is not cause enough for us to lose our own sense of ultimate self-worth and integrity. There are many people in history who changed the course of history by maintianing levels of integrety and high-leveled honesty.

[Lallymac]

Why do people lie?
We function from two primary modes love and fear. Honesty comes from love. Behind every lie is fear.
Lallymac

[Luna]

Originally Posted by m18pak

Simply put: sometimes we HAVE to lie.

Can you give an example of a situation where there's no other choice than to lie?

[m38967]

My partner accuses me of chatting with people and not like this, but like in a more personal matter, 80% of the time i'm on my PC. The only reason i am on this site right now, is because my partner is at work. I have really grown to resent my partner a great deal over such behavior.

Lying is a form of control, and if the person the OP is referring to is a boyfriend or girlfriend, then it is bad news, and a sign of things to come.

[Chado2423]

Originally Posted by Luna

Can you give an example of a situation where there's no other choice than to lie?

There really is no need to choose to lie... and if you look at your wording what is a lie, it is a choice to speak an untruth. it is is a decision you make to be honest, to lie, or to simply remain quiet. Sometimes we forget that we have the neutral territory where don't have to do either tell the truth or tell a lie. We can simply decide not to do anything. You can still maintain levels of honesty and integretiy by being silent. Again, it is never NECESSARY to lie. You only feel strongly compelled emotionally to exhibit an untruth. It is only a choice you make in the time being.

[Nelson]

To quote one of my favorite movies, The Departed - "To keep things on an even keel".

However, people lie for many different reasons. However, I find one of the biggest reasons is that they feel inadequeate in their personal lives.

Compulsive liars/exaggeraters have extremely low self-esteem (Jesus, I hate that word :P) and they lie to make themselves seem more interesting, because they believe that they are uncool or unworthy in social situations.

[m18pak]

Chado, Luna, when I talk about lying as a way to get through life, I am not advocating dishonesty, I am talking about knowing when to pick your battles.

It's like that story of the holy man who was meditating under a tree when a starving beggar dressed in rags came running towards him and begged the holy man to let him hid in the tree because he had just stolen some bread and now there was a mob after him, looking to hang him for his crime. The holy man consents and the beggar scrambles up the tree and hides, and then the mob comes and asks the holy man if he has seen a thief running past, unfortunately for the beggar however, the holy man had sworn a vow to always tell the truth, and so he reveals the hiding place of the beggar to the mob, who promptly set the tree on fire, burning the unfortunate thief to death.

MORAL OF THE STORY IS: Don't have a stick up your ass. Instead of caring so much about being right, know what the right thing to do is.

[Michael Chui]

I thought the moral was "Don't trust holy men."

[backpocket]

I try to be as honest as possible, because it's easier that way, unless it's something which I know would get me in a big trouble.

My case for example, my parents are Muslims and I was born and raised one. I stopped believing in religion but I still believe in god, yet I can't tell my parents that, because my mum will go psycho. She's a devout Muslim, and sometimes bordering on being a fundamentalist. I sometimes argue with her about fundamentalism, and she just goes crazy and starts to scream at me, telling me I'm a useless Muslim, aren't I afraid of burning in hell, then cries, then tells me aren't I afraid of god, I should be ashamed of myself.

Whenever I go back, I have to pretend that I pray, and put up a front that I'm a Muslim, just so she doesn't freak out. If I don't, she'll threaten that she'll beat me because supposedly read somewhere in Islam that parents are allowed to beat their children if they don't pray (go figure). I'm still a teenager and I have to live with them, and I know that telling the truth will automatically sever our relationship.

Now tell me the truth, if you were in this situation, would you tell the truth?